Keeping it in

DH and I talk every few nights about what will happen if we see that wonderful second line. There are so many people that know that we're trying that I can't imagine being able to hold in my excitement. They are:

• Nesties
• CVSers (sort of...haven't talked about it for awhile)
• Co-workers
• SIL (and BIL, I would assume)

But that's it, really. So there are a ton of people inside the computer that know (including some people in the computer that I know IRL) and then my two (or three?) co-workers.

DH wants to wait until we're through the first trimester to tell anyone. My theory is that if, God forbid, something were to happen, I would want to have some support from the people who care about us. At least I assume that's the way I would feel. Let's just say that I feel that way right now. If you can't tell, I'm getting less and less sure of myself with each sentence I type!

How do you decide how large a group to tell? I want to tell our parents for sure. I figure if I'm not feeling well I should probably tell my boss. I can't imagine not telling my coworkers. I spend 40 hours a week with them and have been here through their pregnancies...so I know they'd have some great advice for me. I know I'd HAVE to tell the Nesties...which means there would be other people in my real life who would know... And I'm sure we'd tell SIL and BIL... So that list just keeps growing and growing.

Right now I want to tell everyone in the world we're TTC. Heck, I almost told the ladies at the jewelry store that when they were berating me for not getting my e-ring sized (it's about a whole size too big now). I just figure if my fingers are going to swell, I will be able to fit into my e-ring without doing any sizing or anything. So as hard as it is to not tell people we're TTC, I have a feeling it'll be even harder not to tell people that we're pg.

My life is full of "what if" right now and it's very frustrating for a control freak like me. For instance, if we get pg this cycle, we'll find out just before Father's Day. If we're pg, I'd love to do something for our dads for Father's Day. That also means that we'd find out about a week before we're supposed to help some friends move. If we are pg, I don't know if I'll be able to lift the heavy stuff I normally would. In the beginning of August we'll be going to St. Louis for a wedding. If we are pg, it will be a totally different wedding than if we're not. This year we got tickets to the Broadway Across America series and loved it. However, will I want to sit through those 3-hour long musicals if we get pg? I know I can't base decisions on the "what ifs", but these things run through my head every once in awhile.

Anyway, so I assume I'll be posting on the blog as we get into the 2ww and closer to testing...but I still have no idea who we'll tell or when...ugh. Any thoughts are appreciated if any of my readers have an opinion!

Choices

(I feel I need to add a disclaimer to this...I am NOT complaining about any specific person, just venting my thoughts in general. Please take no offense.)

I believe that, fundamentally, humans have free will. I choose to get up and go to work five days a week. I choose to stay up until 11 p.m. I choose most things in my life.

So it really bugs me when someone says "I don't have time for blah" as an excuse for not doing something (like cooking meals, exercising, shopping sales, etc.). It's not that they don't have time, they just don't make it a priority in their day. Priorities for me right now are (not necessarily in this order): saving money, spending time with DH, taking care of my body, making money (so we can eat, stay healthy, have a house to live in, etc.), and relaxing. There are probably others, but these are the ones that are coming to my mind during this rant. So I make the time to cut coupons and shop sales. I make the time to go to the grocery and cook most of our meals at home. I make the time to take walks. And if I don't take the time to do these things, I know it's because it's my choice.

Take last night, for instance. DH and I babysat for my niece. Would I have liked to take a walk or play the Wii or do something else last night before 9:30 p.m.? Sure. But we chose to babysit instead. I can't say "I didn't have time to exercise last night" because I could have changed my priorities. I chose to go straight from work to my BIL and SIL's at 5 p.m. I chose to eat dinner with them. I chose to sit around with my niece. I chose to hang out with DH and BIL after she went to bed, rather than go to the basement and get on the elliptical. I chose to stay and watch the end of Family Guy.

There are very few things that are out of our control. How you respond to them, though, is your choice. No more excuses--just know that you're choosing your priorities even though some of them may seem like no-brainers (being alive, keeping your child safe and happy, etc.).

It has begun

The insanity that will be my job for the next 6 months (at least) has begun.

We are implementing a new student information system that will integrate all the systems that were being used across campus into one system and we had our first training yesterday. It was long, but very good and I'm excited for the rest, but just know that it's going to get crazy as we start rolling out different parts of the system and have to train on the first part and the second and everything... So it's going to be crazy and I might be a little more stressed than normal. But it should be good--we've been working toward this for 2 years now. I'm just really glad to see it start coming to fruition.

TGIF! It's the beginning of a long weekend and I couldn't be more excited! I'm having lunch today with some wonderful women, have a long meeting this afternoon, then I'm done until Tuesday morning! No major, major plans yet, but I'm sure we'll get into something. One of our friends will be in town for a coed wedding shower on Saturday and will stay with us Saturday night, so we'll hang out with him Sunday morning and into the afternoon. Then on Sunday we'll be going to BIL & SIL's for a small picnic. Tomorrow I want to get some shopping done and need to get my engagement ring checked for the warranty. I'll also get a ring sizer while I'm out! I also want to do some CVSing and Targeting tomorrow so we can get some Wii games. :)

Have a happy and safe Memorial Day weekend!!!!

Surprised!

Had my WW meeting just now...and I actually lost this week! I'm a bit surprised because of the weekend we had (a bridal shower, a baby shower, and a birthday party!), but I'm down another 1.8 pounds, which is great! That means I'm down 62.8 pounds overall (17.8 at WW), which is really exciting. I'm sure I'll hit another plateau before I get close to 200, but I'd LOVE to see the 100s before getting pg. Of course, if we get pg this month, I wouldn't complain, either. ;)

Speaking of getting pg, I have to say that I'm nervous about what I'm going to eat when I'm pg. I now feel my "full gauge" more than I have in a really long time, but I'm just not sure how much I'll be wanting to eat...I guess I just need guidelines. I can count and count and count....but I don't trust my body to tell me when I'm full. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

So tired!

I have lots of thoughts swimming through my head most of the time. So many that I could probably write 5 blog posts a day about nothing. And then my few (but strong!) loyal readers would run away. So I won't.

So today I'm going to complain about how tired I am because of being at ILs' house this weekend.

I have to preface this by saying that I adore my niece and my SIL and BIL. I really, really do. But I was pretty peeved this weekend when we were, yet again, sent to the basement to sleep. On a futon with a mattress about a half an inch thick. They tried to make it better by putting an air mattress under the futon mattress, but it deflated by about 2 a.m., so we were then feeling the metal bars of the futon. Because we were in the basement and I think houses don't have insulation between the floor and the ceiling of the basement, we could hear everything going on above us. Beginning at 6:30 a.m. Without fail. My 13 1/2 month old niece was making all sorts of noises directly above us both mornings. Didn't matter if she was happy or sad--it was loud enough to wake us up both mornings.

What were the alternatives for sleeping, you ask? Well, there were three other options for where we could have slept. We could have slept in the family room (which is a converted porch). Definitely would have been awake by 6:30 every morning there because there is no door. The second option would have been sleeping in the green bedroom/hallway (the house is set up weird and there are two doors in the room that used to be kept open and used as a hallway). This would have been okay--there's a daybed with a trundle in there and we could have made that work. However, BIL and SIL were sleeping in there. You know why? The last option is the yellow room. A full-sized bed, perfect for me...so cozy... But we couldn't sleep in there because my niece was in her Pack-n-Play in there. NOT because someone was using the bed. And my BIL and SIL don't like to sleep in the same room as my niece b/c she's a loud sleeper. Ugh. So we slept in the damp, cold basement on the futon. And I'm still not happy about it.

Told DH that if they tried to put us down there once I'm pg (God willing, of course), we will go stay in a hotel or not spend the night. No question. Ugh. I've never been so happy to sleep in my own bed.

Who are my readers?

I signed up for an account with Google analytics when I started this blog, just so I could see who my readers were. I have to say, I'm really excited by how many people read my blog when I update it! My last update day I got 10 readers (which makes me think people have subscribed to know when it's updated).

I was hoping people would end up on my site via some really amusing Google searches, but it hasn't happened yet. We'll see if it does eventually.

I also have discovered that my blog is linked on some friends' blogs because I'm getting some traffic from their blogs. And that also means I now have readers outside of Ohio (and Arizona...hi, Melissa!)--there's even someone in Germany!

Basically I just want to say hello to everyone who is reading--I'd love to know who my regular readers are!!!

Nothing exciting going on on the baby front. CD 5. Really hoping this will be our cycle. Was at a baby shower yesterday and it made me get anxious. And of course DH's family was asking me all weekend when we'd be expanding the family. I told them we got our fill of baby time with our niece...which really isn't true at all. lol But I didn't want to be snotty to them about it...as much as it was tempting to do so.

Starting to use OPKs this month, I think, just so we get a little warning before I O. Of course, the gyno just told us to have sex a lot...so that might be part of the plan, too. But with our crazy weekends (including a trip to the ILs the weekend I'll probably O....) I just want some more knowledge beforehand!

Signing off...it's lunch time.

I knew it!

I knew as soon as I posted it, she would show. She did. Onto cycle 2!

Come out, come out, whereever you aren't

AF still hasn't showed. Nope. CD 29 and still nothing. Got little bits of cramps still...little bits of spotting still...but no AF. I really thought she'd be here today, too. My chart from February showed 2 days of spotting, 2 days of nothing, then AF. I've had 2 days of spotting, today is day 3 of nothing... DH set a goal on Tuesday night of testing on Friday morning if still no AF. Temps dropped, but not a ton. Tuesday 98.15, Wednesday 98.03, today 97.91--dropping 0.12 each day. Waiting for that plummet. I'm sure it's coming tomorrow. Heck, I'm sure she's coming today.

This sucks. I hate the waiting. If she's coming, just come so we can move onto the next cycle. I'm okay with that. If she's not...then just don't!

Oh, I forgot to mention that this Zen thing is actually working pretty well. DH and I are interacting more, I'm relaxed a bit more (even if I don't sound like it above...). I'm trying to take care of my body better--thinking about what I put into it and how I treat it. We've been playing more Wii, working outside...I feel more in tune with him, which is a nice change. Plus I think us TTC has formed an extra connection between us. It's something we both want so badly and something we're working on together--win or lose. Now if I could just find more time to sleep, I'd be even better off. It's not going to happen until at least Sunday night now, though, since tonight we'll be preparing for our busy weekend and then we'll be OOT Friday and Saturday nights. I don't plan on posting again until Monday unless I have good news. So for any of you that actually read this and are hoping for some news...in this case, no news is bad news. ;)

Relax

I was just reading a new blog (well, new to me...) and she has recently taken on the project of making herself more zen...and it was really inspiring! I feel like I've been eaten up by stress recently and I need to let go. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, but I really want to. I'm going to enlist DH's help tonight.

I'm going to start by thinking of things we like to do together. Things OTHER than watching TV.

• Playing the Wii--Could we get more Wii games that would help us interact with each other?
• Playing board games--what games do we both like to play? Are there others we could get?
• We could start jogging again or even just taking walks.
• We should both start reading again--it was a great way to wind down at night.

I guess the main goal is to let go of the stress that I feel like has started to crush me every evening that I take home with me from work. It's not good for me or for my body.

And that's another thing someone else has opened my eyes to. Here is the quote:

If Life is a Game, These are the Rulesby Cherie Carter-Scott:

"The body you are given will be yours for the duration of your time here. Love it or hate it, accept it or reject it, it is the only one you will receive in this lifetime. It will be with you from the minute you draw your first breath to the last beat of your heart. Since there is a no-refund, no-exchange policy on this body of yours, it is essential that you learn to transform your body from a mere vessel into a beloved partner and lifelong ally, as the relationship between you and your body is the most fundamental and important relationship of your lifetime. It is the blueprint from which all your other relationships will be built."

This also goes along with the common Bible teaching that the body is a temple and should be respected as such. I need to remember that and start treating THIS body--the only one I will EVER have--better. Bring on the exercise! :)

Thoughtful

One thing that people who know me well know is that I am always thinking. If I am performing one task, I am usually thinking about 3 other things. I'm constantly planning, thinking about my bank account, thinking about stuff going on at work...if I'm not thinking about or doing at least 3 things at once, there's something wrong, typically.

So I now have something else to concentrate on--this TTC thing. If I wrote here in this blog every time I thought about it, you all would be REALLY tired of hearing from me! But I know the people in my life are tired of hearing me talk about it, so, for today, I'm going to ramble (not that most of my posts aren't rambling...).

I'm at the end of the 2ww (the two week wait--for those of you non-TTCers or non-message boarders, it is the "two weeks" from ovulation until your period comes). For me, it's usually closer to about 10-12 days. I probably ovulated around Friday, May 2nd and it's currently 10 dpo (days past ovulation). Yesterday morning I started spotting and getting a bit of cramping. This usually doesn't happen this far in advance of my expected monthly visitor and, because I think all the time about all this, has got me wondering about implantation spotting/cramping. According to sources online, this can happen when the fertilized egg implants in the uterus and typically happens 6 to 12 days (9 days on average) after ovulation. I can't find anyone that I know that has actually had it happen, though.

So this has my hopes up. Will this be it? Will we get pg in the first month trying? I doubt it. My head REALLY doubts it. My temps have dropped (although they've dropped lots this month--it's been weird), I'm cramping and spotting and yesterday was really only 3 days before my period could show. So it's not out of the question for me to just be getting my period. But there's this inkling that it *could* be implantation spotting and, therefore, I'm considering it.

I said my head really doubts that I'm pg. As much as logic tells me I'm probably not pg, my heart just so much wants to be pg that I can't see straight. I know we just started trying...I KNOW it can take a long time to get pg...but there are people who get pg the first try and I want to be one of those people! lol

So here I am asking everyone I'm comfortable asking whether they've experienced implantation spotting. No one has said they have. And I'm sure they're tired of having me ask questions. And they think I need to calm down and not think about it. But that's just not me. It's not in me to not think about something for very long, which is why I had to give the preface about me...I know it's not like me, but that doesn't stop other people from thinking that I need to relax and not think about it so much. I mean, I'm only in the first month, I should relax and let nature take its course...and I'm trying, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it.

Note that I'm using the verb "think". I'm not saying I'm WORRIED. Just thinking. Pondering. Considering. Cogitating. Ruminating. Thinking.

Seeing the world

Well, not really. Just seeing parts of the East Coast (I just had a heck of a debate whether to capitalize that or not). Went with my parents and DH to NYC, Atlantic City, and Philly May 3rd through May 7th. It was a really nice trip, but was glad to be home. DH and I were home sick the Thursday and Friday before the trip and the illness followed us through the weekend. Blech.

Not glad to be back at work, though. Same old stuff...different day. I thought this morning maybe it would be different. Maybe after being gone for over a week I would be refreshed. Not so.

Doesn't help that I'm PMSing. Already. On CD 26 (and CD 25.....). WTF? I've never started spotting and cramping on CD 25 before but of course AF wants to show herself early this cycle, to prove it didn't work. Of course it didn't...FF (the site I use to track my cycles) doesn't even detect an O this month. I think I did since there's a definite temp shift, but it sure doesn't seem to think so. I think I Oed right around the time we were sick. Of course. lol So that would explain why I'm not pg anyway. Oh well--I REALLY didn't expect it to happen quickly anyway, but it sure would've been nice!!! ;)

Anyway, just wanted to say that I'm alive (not sure who is really reading these days, anyway, but just in case....). Now if I could just take some more time off...I could really use a nap. :)

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the trip:

Cautiously posting again

So I said something in one of my posts that was pretty hateful and didn't think twice about posting it. I really shouldn't have posted while I was upset and I apologize to the person I hurt! The post has been removed. So, from now on, I'm going to be a bit more careful about what I'm posting (and, really, thinking and feeling).

I did want to post today, though, to talk about my WW meeting last night. I go with my SIL who, last week, lost 1.4 pounds (if you remember, the same amount I gained). Well, this past weekend was her brother's wedding and apparently she didn't count a single point all week long. So she gained. 1.4 pounds. And guess how much I lost. 1.4 pounds. Ummm...are those scales rigged????? What are the odds? Anyway, we both are committing to BOTH of us losing next week. So I'll be working to make that happen. It'll be my last meeting before our NYC trip. I know we'll be walking all day while we're there, but I also know we'll be eating some decadent foods! So we'll see what happens after that!

Goodbye Blog

I apparently need a more private place to post my thoughts and feelings, where no one will get hurt if they read them, so I will no longer be posting to this blog.

My new theme song

It's been a rough day around here. I had a meeting across campus and was walking back--a group here has an event going on called "Best Day of Your Life". It's actually feeling more like the worst day of my life. But all I could think about is that if I were a student again, I just wouldn't have anything real to worry about. Thus the song.

I wish I could go back to college.
Life was so simple back then.
What would I give to go back and live in a dorm with a meal plan again!
I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad, and think, "Oh my God!I am totally gonna go far!"
How do I go back to college?
I don't know who I am anymore!
I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry-erase pen on the door!
Ohhh...I wish I could just drop a class...
Or get into a play...
Or change my major...
Or f*** my T.A.
I need an academic advisor to point the way!
We could be...
Sitting in the computer lab,4 A.M. before the final paper is due,
Cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,
And seeing the rest of the class there, too!
I wish I could go back to college!
How do I go back to college?!AHHHH...
I wish I had taken more pictures.
But if I were to go back to college,
Think what a loser I'd be-
I'd walk through the quad,
And think "Oh my God..."
"These kids are so much younger than me."

XXXXXXXXX

Post deleted

Athlete in a fat girl's body

I've come to the realization that this is what I am. And athlete in a fat girl's body.

I'm enormously more capable at athletic endeavors than at least 90% of women my size. Hell, I was probably about 235 when I was marching and playing all over the field. I can confidently say that I was an in-shape 235 pounder. I can't remember a time when I couldn't do a full aerobics class. Even at 274 I was fairly athletic. Yes, I got tired more often than I otherwise would.

I know people look at me and think there's no way I can run, do aerobics, lift weights, etc....but that's not true. I have more muscle in my legs than my DH could ever hope to have :)

I don't know the point of this....just needed to get it off my chest.

And remember....the scale doesn't lie

(yes, that's a quote from Celebrity Fit Club)

So I gained last night. And I freaked out. I'm withdrawing and I'm emotional and it pisses me off.

I know I'm overreacting, that it happens to lots of people...it's just that weight loss has been so frustrating to me for so freaking long and this just feels like one more setback and I'm tempted to just scrap the whole damn thing. I'm sure I'm overly emotional about it because AF showed today and I always get stupidly emotional around this time of the month, but it's really not entirely it. If it were someone else, I would tell them the same things the ladies told me, but when I try to listen and take those comments in, it just doesn't work. It's just a lifelong struggle for me and my thoughts have always been that I'm big enough that, once I figure out the correct path, the weight *should* just fall off of me. But it doesn't and it never will. I've cursed myself by being athletic and anorexic and everything. And I hate that I'm going to be paying for it forever.

So, basically, I'm still really, really down in the dumps today. I cried and cried last night and DH knew there was nothing he could say or do about it, so he just left me alone. *sigh* And I'm sitting here now stifling the tears as well.

I'm giving WW combined with the running another week to work. If I don't lose more than a pound next week (not asking for anything big!), I'm going to have to change something--either stop working out, since that seems to cause me problems every damn time, or change my eating plan again.

Guess I was mistaken

Um yeah....so much for that. Still no AF. Guess tomorrow will probably be CD 1.

This is it....(maybe)

Well, I think today is going to be CD 1. Temp dropped 0.8º from yesterday to today and I'm feeling crampy. Of course, that makes this cycle only 27 days....how weird.

So now DH and I have been having a discussion about if we're ready to do this. I've just gotten involved with some friends in trying to lose weight and get healthier. I've made great progress (just check out the ticker on the right!) and things are moving along and I have some great support now! DH wanted to know if I wanted to keep going with the weight loss and put off the TTC. I know I'll just have to lose weight after baby comes anyway, so is there a point to taking time off to keep losing before TTC? I'm not feeling like there really is. I think I'll keep trying to lose weight until we conceive, then focus on making baby healthy. If it takes awhile to conceive (which I assume it will), then all the better for my weight loss! And if not, well, then I'll be pregnant :)

So I guess that means this is really it. This is the cycle. We're going to try to have a baby. Now. Holy shit.

Well, okay, now isn't exactly the right word, I suppose. I mean, we won't even start "trying" for another 10-12 days or so...and then will keep on trying for quite a few days after that, as my chart this month said I ovulated between CD 8 and CD 19. I told DH that and he goes "that's a lot of sex!" Yes, dear, it is.

Still not using OPKs this month. I debated about it, but I'm just going to keep temping and try to estimate--I do want this to be fun, after all. If I can just relax and make it fun....

Of course, I've Oed betweeen CD 17 and CD 23 over the previous 3 months...which would put us trying May 2nd through May 8th. Yeah, guess when we'll be in NYC with my parents....May 3rd through May 7th. lol! At least we have our own room....could bring back a souvenir! lol

Okay, need to stop thinking about this for now or I'm going to have a panic attack.

In case you missed it....

I updated my weight loss ticker! Last night I was down 4.8 pounds from just a week ago!!!! With my niece's first birthday party in there, I didn't think there was any chance that I'd lost. I couldn't be happier!!!

With this weight loss as well as the formation of a Nestie Biggest Loser and weight loss support board, I'm starting to think that we might wait to TTC. Or at least just not be horribly anal the first few months. I wouldn't mind getting below 200 before getting pg--it was my original goal, but I didn't think it was attainable. Now that I've got just over 16 pounds to go, I'm starting to think I might be able to do it!

Still waiting to O. My cycles have been so weird since I went off the pill. My cycles have been pretty unpredictable and here I am at CD 22, still no O detected. My temps are still in the mid to low 98s, which is kind of low for me post-O. O well (hehehe)--we'll figure it out at some point. As long as my luteal phase seems long enough, I won't worry too much. I do need to schedule my annual exam soon, though...so I'll discuss these concerns with her if they continue. I should be happy, though--a lot of people don't even have as regular of cycles as I'm experiencing--between 29 and 33 days!