Two big things

No time to write, but wanted to post a couple of quick updates:

I'm pretty sure I Oed. Don't think my temps have ever been above 98 without Oing, so that's good. Don't know how good of one it was. Temps were slow to rise and my boobs don't hurt like they usually do (which I'm guessing is a sign of higher progesterone). But I did. I think it was on Tuesday--or maybe very early Wednesday, as my temp Wednesday wasn't spectacular.

Second--I eked my way into the 180s last night :D Weighed in a 189.6. Woot! My goal was to make it to 180 by Christmas and I might actually get close (typically average about a pound a week).

Pleasantly surprised...

....but only cautiously optimistic.

Woke up this morning expecting to POAS and get either another High or get a Low and be done with the monitor for this cycle. Well, I'm done with the monitor, but that's because I got a Peak! I know this still doesn't necessarily mean I'll O, but it means I'm having an LH surge and my body is trying to O.

I'm trying to stay as low-key as possible today. I'm going to try to do some meditation throughout the day and stay as low-stress as I can so hopefully O does come tomorrow (good timing, too, that we have a day off tomorrow--I can lay on my back with my legs up over my head for as long as I want). LOL

And the first thing I said when I saw that Peak was "Thank You" to God. I don't know why this was part of His plan, but it was--and I'm grateful.

Anovulatory, part 2

I'm sad. Yes, having an anovulatory cycle happens to everyone, whether they realize it or not. But when you're TTC. No, wait. When you're been TTC for 8 months, every month counts. This feels like a waste of a month. A waste of time spent waiting for O, waiting for that small window of availability to conceive a child. And when there is no window, it feels like you're waiting for nothing. And I feel lost right now, knowing that if I don't O, there's no chance for us this cycle. And that sucks.

Of course I do know I could just O late. But my week last week was horrible and stressful and I am sure it impeded my Oing, but who is to say that next week won't be horrible? And every week after that? We're getting into the busy season at work and that means more and more stress. Whether I want it to impact my life outside of work or not, it is, because it's impacting my body. So what do I do? How do I relax? I thought my evenings were pretty relaxing. I had volunteering, had a taste test, did some shopping, hung out with DH...spent my evenings doing things that I wanted to do. But apparently those 9 hours during the day where I'm at work just took over and impacted my life more than any amount of evening relaxing can repair.

This feels lot like getting a BFN at 9dpo. I allow myself to get sad about it, even though I know it's probably too early to really know for sure, thinking that, by getting sad now, I'm somehow protecting myself from when AF will start. But it never works. I still get my hopes up as AF approaches that maybe she just won't show. So here I am, getting myself all worked up and sad about not ovulating this cycle, when it could still happen. And as I allow myself to get sad right now, I'm hoping this will protect me when I realize that ovulation really isn't coming this cycle...but it won't work. So I'm going to try to pick myself up and keep hoping for ovulation, even if it's late, because I have to. If I don't, I'll just make my life even more miserable.

Follow Up to Yesterday

This could very well be an anovulatory cycle. *sigh* Just reminds me that it's not up to me. I think I have some OPKs downstairs that I might get out to start using so I don't waste the sticks on the CBEFM. My temps are just weird, getting a High reading on CBEFM for longer than normal, my bbs still aren't sore (they typically are by this point). I know it can still happen, but I think I'm going to give up hope at this point in the cycle. That way if I O, I'm pleasantly surprised (DH and I will still BD every other day for a little while), but I'm mentally prepared.

No O?

After getting all super-confident that my body was going to be crazy-regular, here I am doubting my body once again. I'm at CD 13 with a CD 14 O, typically. No Peak on the monitor. My temps have been all sorts of crazy since I started temping this cycle (CD 8). Usually my pre-O temps are down around 97.5...but the last few days they've been around 97.7, with CD 8 even being 97.9.

Yes, I think I started coming down with a cold last Sunday (CD 7) and I know sickness can affect temps and O date, but damn. We had a plan. LOL Even as I type that, I laugh at myself. I guess I just keep learning that it's not about OUR plan...it's about God's plan. *sigh* I thought I was coming closer to coming to terms with that, but I'm not sure that's true. I'm a work in progress, I suppose.

So now it's just a waiting game. The plan was to BD only the day after the first Peak, but now I'm thinking maybe we should BD every other day until we get the Peak. Plus I've heard quite a few stories about conceiving with a cold b/c it enhances the CM (Enhances? Did I really just use that work about cervical mucus?????).

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ETA:

I had forgotten to mention that my CP (cervical position) was all over the place and definitely pretty low yesterday, making me think that maybe I'm not going to O. Well, today it's definitely high--to the point where I had a hard time finding it. So I guess O is probably on its way. Now just to figure out if it'll come tomorrow or Monday...always a guessing game. :D

It might be working :)

All these drugs and supplements and everything might finally be working :) No real further details needed--just the relief of knowing that is really comforting.

And I got a High on the monitor on Monday, which was totally unexpected. But oh well--I assume I'll still get a Peak on Saturday. Maybe we'll BD tonight and Friday and just abstain on the day of the Peak so we get a good shot on O day. :D I'm not sure it matters, but what the hell...we've got to try something!!!

Feelings

I'm at the ILs right now. I always have lots of mixed feelings being here and this trip is no different. I don't know that I will ever get used to the dynamic of this family. I'm an only child and very used to being the center of attention, but I don't think that's all of it. It's honestly the feeling like I don't matter and I don't know if it's because I'm just the DIL or if it's because I'm married to the "pleaser" of the family. Either way, it hurts my feelings. MIL makes breakfast for everyone else. I don't like what she makes every time (it's always the same thing), so I typically go hungry until someone points out that I don't like it. Then MIL offers to make something...but after me being part of this famiy for 7 years, don't you think she'd notice that I don't like something (yes, I can get off my ass and make something myself, but there's nothing here that I'd prefer to eat--I suppose next time I need to bring my lite bread, spray butter, etc.--if she were making it, I would eat it even if it were healthy, but if I have to make it myself, I'm not making myself something completely unhealthy, knowing we're eating like crap for the remainder of the day)? I'm sure it's hard pleasing now 6 kids (three brothers with three significant others), but there are only 4 of us around most of the time, plus my niece. Of course, though, the niece comes first. When she's sleeping, we all have to be quiet. But when we're sleeping, of course she can run wild. MIL got woken up this morning at 6 by the dog. Her own damn dog. And she's bitching about it. But the niece wakes DH and me up well before I'd like to be up, haven't said a damn thing, but I'm exhausted. We're not doing this during Christmas. If this is the way it's going to be we'll either get a hotel or we'll not come up until Christmas Eve. I'm putting my foot down--I will NOT be this exhausted during my week off. It's not like we get a whole 2 weeks off (like BIL and SIL....). No, the only time we get off will be spent away from our home and I refuse to be exhausted when we get back to work because we didn't get any sleep.

Then add to all this frustration my own frustration with our inability to get pg (I'm having a hard time even writing the word right now). I look at my niece and adore her to pieces, but she's not my own. I imagined that we would be very pg by this point and the MIL would give a shit about me for once because I would be giving her another grandchild, but no...I'm still sleeping in the basement, listening to the kid scream and stomp above me.

There are so many things I wonder about the future and being here. When (yes....WHEN) I'm pg, will I get treated like the princess my SIL did? Will I get a good bed, without the sogginess, at a normal temperature, without a child running around above me? Will I ever get to eat things I like to eat? When we have a child, will they be loved as much as my niece? What happens when both kids are here? How will MIL choose? (I have a feeling I know the answer to this one)

Ah well, I suppose I should go act sociable, even though I'm exhausted and moody and grumpy and just want to go back to sleep (and yes, this is my excuse for sounding like a spoiled little brat--I'm honestly not sure I want to publish this post and have everyone know how whiny I'm being...but oh well--I have to get it out and it seems silly to write an entire post and not publish it).

Verge of a Breakdown

Here I am, minding my own damn business, working my ass off (having just gotten yelled at by the boss for being way behind on this work that I couldn't get done if I worked 12 hours a day), supposed to be getting help from everyone....and I can't focus and am blogging because there's a baby. In my office. Squealing, crying, whatever...with everyone ogling, giggling, oohing, and ahing...and I'm about to go crazy. I love babies. No, correction: I love babies that belong to people I know. But this is some random person's baby. Interrupting my damn work that I'm struggling to get done. That I'm supposed to be getting help on from people that are busy with the baby. And I want MY baby. I want a baby for people to ooh and ah at. I want MY baby to interrupt other people's work.

Ugh. I'm not normally this bitter. But today I am. Probably because of the stupid stress at work. Because I'm taking the brunt of this stuff not getting done even though it's because the people that are supposed to be helping aren't.

I hope the coworker doesn't read this and get upset. She might. No reason to get upset--it's just me venting and being upset about a baby. But I'm still posting because I have to get this off my chest.

Girl Time

Last night I went out to happy hour (or happy hourS, as DH called it) with some fabulous ladies. The group was centered around getting those of us TTC out to relax and commiserate. We met up at Applebee's and just hung out and it was fantastic. I am so incredibly glad I went. I don't have a ton of close female friends and I just love meeting new people--especially women who share common interests.

We had two "tag-alongs", who were ladies who I think were just trying to learn more of the things we've discovered through our TTC time--charting, body changes throughout the cycle, etc. We were happy to have them :)

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who were there. I really enjoyed getting out of the house, kicking back, and having some good girl time with some fantastic women. I hope we do it again very, very soon!

God's Will

Last night as we were going to sleep, DH and I were watching 17 Kids and Counting, the show about the Duggars, a family with 17 kids and one on the way. They're deeply religious and talk a lot about how they keep having children because it's God's will and He will stop giving them children when He is ready.

I'm sure they believe the converse--if you aren't meant to have children, God won't give you any. I'm guessing they don't believe in fertility treatments or, really, doing much of anything to improve the odds of getting pregnant.

Since I am trying to get reacquainted with God and have a better relationship with Him, I've given this a lot of thought. I just refuse to believe that it's in God's will for DH and me to not have children. I KNOW we will be great parents when our time comes. I do believe that it's in the realm of possibility that He just wants us to wait awhile and be patient and that's what I'm trying to accept in my heart, but I just cannot believe that the loving God that I know would want my wonderful, giving, loving husband to not be able to father children of his own or for me to not be a mother.

All that said, I believe it will happen in His time, not ours. Yes, we can do all kinds of things to improve our odds of conceiving. We can take all the supplements, pee on all sorts of sticks, take temperatures, etc. to be as prepared as possible, but if it's not time, it won't happen. And I, the control freak, am working to accept that. Today, in this moment, I understand that in my heart and I finally accept that we can't control it all. Even if we were to do IVF with ICSI (where sperm are injected into the egg and then embryos are cultivated and put back into my body), we don't have control over whether those embryos implant.

So we'll keep trying. And I'm sure each failure will still hurt, but we're going to do our best to move forward and better ourselves and enjoy the time we are without children so we can be better parents when the time comes.

(Note: I am saying this today...that's not to say that tomorrow I won't be crying again and ready to have a baby NOW. This is a roller coaster, after all...you can't have pitfalls without the uphill.)

Hope

I was letting myself believe.
I was letting myself think that this nauseous feeling in my stomach could be a sign.
I thought maybe, just maybe, these cramps are a bit different than my normal AF cramps.
It felt like my bbs were heavier.
Hell, I had even convinced myself that my normal PMS breakout was b/c I didn't wash my face like I should have (even though I did).
I had been Googling early pregnancy symptoms and reading and thinking that they were things I was feeling.

And then I went to the bathroom. And on that little piece of TP...spotting.

Cycle number 7 is over. Shit.

Just call me Debbie Downer

I have power. I can bring down the tone of a conversation with a single sentence; stop everyone from talking with one word...I am...Debbie Downer. :(

I just feel like I can't be positive. I've tried and tried, but I am having a really hard time not dwelling on the crap-tastic things we've been dealt recently. I don't want to be the one to drag everyone else down--and thoughts like that make me feel like completely retreating. Better to just not show up than show up and be a total downer. Ugh.

I know people have seen me recently and I've been fine. And a lot of the time recently I have been feeling fine. But these last couple of days have really gotten to me. I feel very little hope that things will work out in the near-ish future. I feel pretty sure that we have a long, hard road ahead of us. And I hate it. I would much rather be a positive, upbeat person...but today, in this moment, I can't drag myself out of this rut I've sunken into. Heck, I wonder if I should even bother posting this because I don't want to drag anyone else down, too. But I will, just because getting these feelings and thoughts out of my system have to help in some miniscule way.

Worst part of the month

A lot of people who are TTC say that the two week wait is the worst part of the month. The waiting, the wondering, knowing you can't do anything (really) at this point to change the outcome.

However, for me, there's a worse segment of the month from 9 dpo to about CD 5. I'd rather be sitting wondering for 14 days than to know for sure before I can even test. To be bleeding in some fashion for 11 days. Ugh. I'm tired of this spotting crap. I hate pantiliners and pads and tampons and dealing with all that. Back when my period was about 3 days long, I could handle it. Now I've got 5-6 days of spotting and then a 4-5 day long period. *sigh*

Even if it gets my hopes up, I really hope I don't start spotting tomorrow.

Bloodwork

Just walked down and had my blood drawn for my progesterone test. I had myself all worked up (I'm not a huge fan of needles, even though I used to donate blood once every 2 months) and my anxiety was at full tilt, but I didn't need to be. The phlebotomist was a pro--very quick and painless. Now just waiting for the results. My OB says she should have them by tomorrow and if I don't hear from her tomorrow to give her a call. Hoping that they have them today... :)

And as all of my regular readers probably realize, D-Day is quickly approaching. Today is 7 DPO, which means Wednesday is 9 DPO. We'll see if either a) the B-6 is helping or b) we're pregnant or c) the spot-monster shows on Wednesday. If we get spotting on Wednesday, I'll be asking for a referral to an RE from my OB. I don't think we'll go forth with treatments right away, but I'd like to see what the RE would recommend as far as treatments, timeline, and what the cost of everything would be. Fingers crossed for no spotting Wednesday, even if it does mean false hope (ie. the B-6 helps increase the progesterone and therefore reduces the spotting but I'm still not pg).

On a side note, my temp this morning was 98.45, which is a bit higher than most post-O temps. *shrug* I'm going to temp the rest of the cycle to see when temp drops and what it correlates to.

What to do....

I'm sitting in my house ALONE. And it's weird.

DH and I spend almost every single moment together. We love the same TV shows and love to do a lot of the same things, so when he's not around, I'm a little overwhelmed.

Of course, there are things that I like that he doesn't and honestly that's what is so overwhelming! I've got less than 2 hours to fill...what do I do? Do I try to get to the next level on MarioKart? Do I do some knitting? Do I do some reading? Do I look for some trashy TV that he wouldn't be all that excited about? Do I take a nap? Do I take the time to organize coupons? Do I leave early and go shopping for deals?

I'm currently baking some cupcakes. I'm going to stop by his work around 7:15 to take dinner to him and two of his co-workers. Then I'm headed to Westerville to hang out with some friends, which, hopefully, will be nice and relaxing. When I'm on my way back from Westerville, I'm going to surprise them with chocolate cupcakes.

So I've got plans for the rest of the night...but what do I do now? It's not like I'm lacking for things to do...I just can't decide!!!

It's Friday!

If I make it through this weekend without a cold, I'm going to be really impressed. My throat is starting to hurt already and I feel completely run down. I've got really fun plans for tonight, so I'm hoping just going home and relaxing for a little while will help.

I guess I just want to show all my readers that I do actually have happiness in my life, even though the baby-making stuff makes me so sad so much of the time. And then of course I come in here whining about getting sick. I guess it's b/c I try my best not to whine too much IRL and so you, my readers, get to hear all about it.

Anyway, I'm hoping this is going to be a nice, relaxing weekend. We'll see, though. DH's work has gotten really bad and, without going into too much detail, I might see nearly enough of him this weekend. But we'll see. But I'd like to spend some time with friends as well as DH. I'm definitely going over to a friend's house tonight. Tomorrow I'm hoping some friends will come watch football with us. The rest of the weekend is definitely up in the air, though--we'll see what we end up doing.

Have a happy Friday!

Compliments

Okay, so I love compliments! I love hearing other people tell me how fabulous I am :) For some reason I really need the approval of others to feel better about myself (notice not "good"...just "better").

I'm just realizing, though, that I'm getting lots of compliments and comments about how great I look. I've worked my butt off to lose this weight and I feel good about it. However, I know darn well that no one would be telling me how good I look if they hadn't seen the "before" version of me. No one ever gives this many compliments to a girl who is a size 14. Yes, I'm down from a size 22 to a size 14, but sometimes it just feels like this there's this implied "you look so much better than you used to".

Just my not-so-deep thought for the day.

Alone

Some days (like today, apparently), I feel very alone. I know there are lots and lots of people out there who have been through the same things we are experiencing right now. I also know there are a lot of people who, even though they haven't been through all this, still love and support us and only want the best for us.

Even really knowing all this, I still feel alone. I feel sometimes like I have no one talk to talk to about anything. I feel like I know people who have struggled for YEARS and are still struggling, people who struggled for years and now have babies, people who have "oops" babies, people who haven't ever TTC, people who thought it took a long time in the moment, but only took 3 or 4 cycles...but I don't know anyone in our situation. And because I don't, I feel like no one can really know what we're feeling. I know that's not explicitly true, but it sure feels like it some days (like today).

Some people think we need to move forward with other testing and not waste time while others think we're moving forward with testing too quickly. Some people think we haven't been trying all that long and should just keep at it while others think we should seek the advice of another doctor. And while it doesn't matter to me what other people think--we're doing what's right for us and what our gut tells us is right--it's hard to talk to people when I'm hearing such differing opinions and thoughts. So I sit here feeling alone.

He didn't even buy me dinner...

My date with the dildo-cam is over. Surprisingly, it wasn't all that bad. I was pretty distracted looking at the images on the screen, so I wasn't paying attention to the low-level discomfort. Of course, I'm not sure what I was seeing, but my OB/GYN tried to explain it to me. She showed me my dominant follicle, which was 2 mm--still small, but definitely moving toward ovulation. She said we wouldn't see a truly dominant follicle until I was pre-ovulatory, or 24-48 hours before ovulation. So that probably means I'm about 60ish hours from ovulation, which is what I would have guessed, I think--I should O on Sunday or Monday.

She did find a little bit of fluid on top of my uterus, but said it wasn't a concern b/c it was a small amount and b/c I was pre-ovulatory. *shrug* I guess it can suggest some bad stuff, but she said not to worry about it, so I'm not. :)

Lining looked good (not that I was really able to see it or understand it...).

So it's over and I'm at home, feeling a bit like I was violated. So no BDing tonight for DH. I did reward myself with a homemade caramel and a new shirt from the medical center gift shop.

Hopefully we'll get the SA results soon...we're both pretty uptight and worried about it. My OB/GYN said that if we don't get results in a week to call her office and they'll call the lab about it.

Going to get bloodwork on CD 21 (10/20) to check my progesterone levels and then that will conclude the tests for this cycle and then we just get back to praying (unless, of course, they find something wrong). Well, actually, of course, either way we'll be praying. :)

Privacy

We haven't gotten the results of the SA yet, but I don't know that I'll be posting them until I can figure out if I can make some posts private or something. DH is pretty sensitive about the whole thing plus he's nervous about not knowing who's reading. I think he's most concerned that, because most of the Office of Student Life and many others throughout the university know him personally, someone's wife or someone he works with will read and he doesn't want work associates, as he put it, "knowing about his junk". So if you'd like to know the results, feel free to send me email (I think there's a link on the blog) or post your email address here--as long as I know who is finding out, it's fine--it's those random people out there that we know nothing about that we're both more nervous about.

Thanks for your understanding!!!