It hurt to laugh

Yup, you read it right. I was just walking back from the bathroom (where, of course, my TP was tinted brown...) and was talking and joking with a co-worker as I passed her. And as soon as she passed, tears welled up in my eyes and it took everything inside me not to cry right then and there. My heart just hurts so badly...first bad news from my friend Kristen, then this.

Another failed cycle seems to be in our future. And I just don't know how to handle it. I try to just mourn it for a little while and then try to see the good in it, but I'm having a harder and harder time doing that the more it happens. I know 5 failed cycles doesn't seem like all that much to a lot of people, but that doesn't make it any easier. I still feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest.

And many of you will think "don't give up hope yet", but I'm having a really hard time with that, knowing my body and the fact that spotting at 9 dpo (tomorrow) means AF is on her way (in 4-5 days...ugh). And, really, what's the point in holding onto the hope? Why mourn later when I can just get it out of the way right now?

A friend asked me if my spotting so early was normal. I started reading online (I know, I know...) that spotting that early could be a sign of a luteal phase defect (LPD). I had no idea. So I'm thinking about getting some B6 for next cycle. But that just leads me back to my whole "letting go" thing. What does God really have in store for me? He's given me free will to do whatever I want...and he put whoever isolated this vitamin here on the earth...so should I take it? What if I keep just letting Him do whatever is His will and never ask a doctor or try any fixes? Will I be childless forever? At what point can I take it into my own hands and not be defying God? What a confusing, exhausting thought process.

I thought I was okay

..but now I'm not so sure. 8 dpo and I'm now back to overanalyzing every single thing. I guess I'm having a harder time letting go than I thought. Of course, I do realize that I can't control anything, but I'm listening to my body like crazy (and not of my own will), trying to decipher every pang and everything going on. I'm tired. I'm totally tired of doing this, but my being overly aware of my body isn't something I feel like I can control--I try not to think about it and I try to think about everything else...but it just isn't working today.

It doesn't help that some of the women on a local message board are posting about how they thought AF was on her way the cycle they got their BFP. It would just be easier for me to be let down when I see the spotting tomorrow than to keep believing it could happen. Good thing I'm not a huge drinker, because once the spotting starts I could go on a bender...lol!!! Right!

For those of you reading and thinking I'm being negative...I'm really not. I still have SO much hope in my heart that this could be the cycle, but I'm trying to be realistic and guard my heart so I don't feel so much pain when I realize that this isn't the cycle.

At 8 dpo I'm feeling some very sporadic pains in my lower right and lower left quadrants (one lasted for awhile right around where my leg and torso meet). No breast tenderness. Some heartburn last night and this morning. Right now I feel like I've got a lump in my tummy in the upper left quadrant, but I know that has nothing to do with it...still doesn't keep me from thinking about it. Oh, and I'm breaking out on my chin like I always do this time of the month.

So I say this prayer: God, please let this be the cycle. Yes, I realize that whatever happens is Your will and I will do my best to accept it and find the good in it. I know You will be there for me no matter what the outcome and I know there is a reason behind everything. But please let this be it. Amen.

New Layout!

How do you like the new layout? I thought it was cute. I normally read everyone's blogs on Google Reader, so I don't get to enjoy the layouts. I stole the source from another Nestie. It's from LeeLou Blogs. Let me know if you have any comments about it :)

6 dpo...and still overanalyzing

Have I ever said how much I hate the 2ww? 'Cause I do. Yup. HATE IT.

I'm 6 dpo today. Pretty much the absolute earliest that someone could have implantation. Yet for the last 24 hours I've been analyzing every twinge I feel.

I'm still trying very hard to just let go and let God take care of everything, but the control freak in me has a really hard time with that. So I think most of the time I'm doing a pretty good job, but any normal pang I feel, I start to think about what it could be.

I'm trying to come up with stuff DH and I could do in the evenings to help me take my mind off of it all...but I come up with nothing. Eating decisions just stress me out, so going out to eat wouldn't do it. Now that the Olympics is done, I suppose we could go back to playing Wii more often... :) Gotta find something, because as much as I want to "just relax" and let go, I can't help but wonder what's going on in there!

Well, I should know by sometime Thursday, which is 9 dpo and when my spotting normally starts. If the spotting doesn't start, then I'll probably test on Saturday morning, 11 dpo. Keep fingers crossed!!!!

Learning

I received the following comment on one of my recent posts:

I am glad to see your updates...b/c honestly you're blogging has taught me tons, so when it wasn't there, I was missin' it..

This made me feel so good--thanks, Amy! So, I thought I'd add a post welcoming ANY questions that anyone has about TTC or even just about me. I'm an open book and am very, very happy that this blog is serving a purpose other than just a place for me to vent!

I have spent a bit of time learning about TTC over the last year or so. I started out lurking on Babies on the Brain, a board on The Nest. After awhile, I felt like I had a good handle on things, so I started lurking elsewhere. I ended up finding the Trouble Trying to Conceive board and have learned a TON of things about fertility treatments there, which, in turn has taught me a lot of general TTC things. I ended up reading Taking Charge of Your Ferility, as well, to learn a lot about charting. Then I started charting back in December 2007 and have learned a lot about my own body and my body's tendencies from there.

I drove by myself to work today. This is significant because that means I wasn't chatting with DH on the drive and it gave me time to think. More specifically, it gave me time to pray. I haven't prayed regularly in a loooong time, but have been making a point to do it whenever I'm in the car alone. I prayed for all the people I know who are sick or hurting (emotionally and physically) and then took the time to thank God for my fortunes. All that then led me to start considering why I ended up lurking on the TTTC board and why I was drawn there. I decided that it could be one of four reasons. Either 1) God wanted to help me inform myself about TTC, 2) God wanted to prepare me for something to come in my future, 3) God wanted to make me a better friend to the people I know who are going through/have gone through fertility treatments or 4) God wanted to help me appreciate the fact that it's only been 4 failed cycles for us. Only time will tell which (if not all of these) will be true, but it really gave me something to think about (and pray about).

No O yet

DH and I worked damn hard yesterday...only to have no O yesterday. Which means that today should be the day. But dangit, we tried so hard yesterday! And I have gone off my daily decongestant, thinking that might help my CM. I'm miserable, but trying really hard! We'll try again once more tonight, then that's it--it's all in God's hands!

Off to a work retreat type thingy! Keep fingers crossed for us!!! :)

Quick cycle update

Trying *not* to focus on the cycle, but wanted to post an update for all those wondering (although I'll end up posting on the TTC update on the local board) about where I'm at.

Today is CD 13. The CBEFM started asking me for sticks on CD 7 and I've gotten a low CD 7 through CD 12. Since I Oed CD 15 most cycles, then CD 13 last cycle, I had thought I'd have gotten a High by now! POAS this morning and...Peak! Straight from Low to Peak (any insight on if this means anything special?)! Woot!

Well, you know what Peak means...gotta FWaP. lol I showed DH the monitor and he just started kissing on me...yeah, we were an hour late for work (and no, it doesn't last that long--it's more about the 45 minutes laying down!).

My temp dipped this morning, which typically happens the day before I O, so I'm guessing I'll O sometime this evening. Bring on the 2ww!

I'm trying my best to "just relax" (as much as I hate that advice--how awful) this cycle and let things happen however they will. That's one thing that does seem different to me--I'm not nearly as stressed headed into the 2ww. There's nothing I can do to change anything, so I'm trying not to worry. Actually, in general, I'm really trying not to let TTC take over my entire life. Which is partially why I haven't been blogging as much.

So that's where I am. We should know by the first football game of the season whether we're pg. Not that I'm counting. :)

Just a reminder

I've heard this song lots and lots of times before, but it hadn't really spoken to me until this past weekend. It's got a great funny twist, but it really does remind you that very little in life is permanent--eventually we'll move past this stage and be onto the next, whether for good or for bad.

From my (currently) favorite musical:


Only for now

PRINCETON:Why does everything have to be so hard?
GARY COLEMAN:Maybe you'll never find your purpose.
CHRISTMAS EVE:Lots of people don't.
PRINCETON:But then- I don't know why I'm even alive!
KATE MONSTER:Well, who does, really?Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.
BRIAN:Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.
GARY COLEMAN:Take a breath,Look around,
BRIAN:Swallow your pride,
KATE MONSTER:For now...
BRIAN, KATE, GARY, CHRISTMAS EVE:For now...
NICKY:Nothing lasts,
ROD:Life goes on,
NICKY:Full of surprises.
ROD: You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.
CHRISTMAS EVE:You're going to have to make a few compromises...For now...
TREKKIE MONSTER:For now...
ALL:But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!
LUCY:For now we're healthy.
BRIAN:For now we're employed.
BAD IDEA BEARS:For now we're happy...
KATE MONSTER:If not overjoyed.
PRINCETON:And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now...
GARY COLEMAN:For now...
TREKKIE MONSTER:For now...
KATE MONSTER:For now...
ALL:But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!
Only for now!(For now there's life!)
Only for now!(For now there's love!)
Only for now!(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (For now!)
Only for now!
Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (George Bush!)
Is only for now!
Don't stress,
Relax,
Let life roll off your backs
Except for death and paying taxes,
Everything in life is only for now!
NICKY:Each time you smile...
ALL:...Only for now
KATE MONSTER:It'll only last a while.
ALL:...Only for now
PRINCETON:Life may be scary...
ALL:...Only for now
But it's only temporaryBa-dum ba-dumBa-dum ba-dumBa dum ba-dumBa-da da da daba-da da-da da da-daBa-dum ba-da, ba-dum ba-daohhhh-
PRINCETON:Everything in life is only for now.

Withdrawing

I've received some really personally painful feedback at work, causing me to doubt everything that I stand for and everything that comprises me and my personality. The only way I know how to cope is to withdraw, so I am. You probably won't see me around or hear from me for awhile. I'm hurting a lot and don't want to spread the infectious depression to everyone else. All of you will be in my thoughts and prayers and hopefully by the time I talk to you all again, everyone's lives will be a bit happier.

Tag! I'm it!

I've been tagged by the beautiful Steph, over at Let the Journey Begin

Here are the tag rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you (i.e. me)
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger (me) know when your entry is posted

So, my challenge is to share six random things about myself. I can't promise anything, but here goes!
1) Most people know this one, but I graduated HS (and started college) when I was 16. I started kindergarten at age 4 and then skipped 2nd grade. And I wouldn't change and thing, no matter how estranged I felt from my college roommate when they were going to the clubs and trying to sneak drinks when I would have loved to just get in!
2) My mind works on an average of 3 thoughts at a time. I am usually done thinking something through before the thought makes it out of my mouth and, therefore, confuses the hell out of my DH when I start talking about whatever the original thought made me think of...
3) I'm the most ADD crafter that I know. I love to craft and have the knowledge to: knit, crochet, cross-stitch (counted and stamped), latch hook, sew, make cards, scrapbook, and paint. However, it takes a lot for me to finish a project that doesn't take more than a weekend to complete.
4) I took dance classes from kindergarten all the way through 12th grade. I took the normal combination class for the first few years, learning tap, ballet, and acrobatics, then, when I was 6 (the rest of the class was 7), decided to specialize in jazz.
5) I am a game show junkie. I could watch game shows any day or night. Love them. And I think this is the root of my love of reality shows because, really, what is a reality show besides a game show mixed with human interactions?
6) I'm a slob. There, I've admitted it. I have NEVER been a neat person and have had a really hard time finding the motivation to work on cleaning the house. When DH and I met, he was a neat freak--unfortunately, I've rubbed off on him more than he's rubbed off of me! I could go a LONG time without cleaning much of anything--bathrooms, towels, floors...as long as it's my own grime, I'm pretty okay with it. Yes, it grosses me out, but not enough to make me do anything about it. This is one other thing I'm working on changing by the time a baby enters our life.

So now it's time for me to tag some people:

1) My beautiful friend, Kristen, of I Would Diet For That
2) The fabulous new mommy and great friend, Julie, of Fink Bambino 1.0
3) Fantastic mommy of adorable twin little boys, Meghan, of The Adventures of Tader Baby
4) My great friend, Sarah, of TBDBITL OT
5) VERY new mommy of sweet Millie, Kenzi, of TTC our little Baby T
6) Fantastic crafter extraordinaire, Jan, of Jannypie's Craft Blog

Debbie Downer

I want SO badly to try to not be a Debbie Downer, especially after my celebratory post...but I started spotting today. Which, for my body, means cycle #4 TTC is over. So now I just wait for AF, who should show either Tuesday or Wednesday. And I'm incredibly depressed about this entire thing and have no idea how to get through it. I know it's only been four cycles, so it seems ridiculous to me...so many others make it through SO much more. But I just don't feel that strong right now. Right now I feel like spending the entirety of this weekend on the couch with no distractions, not getting dressed, eating like a pig. But that would really be pathetic. And I'm trying my damnedest not to be pathetic. So I just need to come up with some healthy coping mechanism, besides just being perky and masking my feelings all the time.

Time for Celebration!

I believe I had set myself a goal of being below 200 by the end of July. At one point I thought it would be impossible for me to reach, especially with a gain in the middle of the month.

Well, last night at my last weigh-in of the month, I weighed in at 198.8! So I made it!

Now to work even harder (if that's possible) at achieving that other goal... ;)

Rollercoaster (of love)

Yes, I've been singing the Red Hot Chili Peppers song (and yes, I know someone else sang it first) for the last day or two. I'm on a rollercoaster and it's all because of love. Because I already have so much love for this child that has yet to be conceived. He or she exists in my heart, even if s/he doesn't in my body.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty positive about everything--I have been feeling off-and-on nauseous, bloated...things sort of point to being pg. But today I woke up really just feeling that AF is on her way. I'm crampy like I normally am before AF (although it still seems early). I just have to expect that I'm going to start spotting tomorrow or Friday. So today I'm down again.

It's all very frustrating. I wish I could forget about it until Friday or Saturday, but I can't. Everything my body does, I focus on it. The fact that my mouth has been watering for 2 days (you know, like it does before you throw up), the fact that I've been having breast pain, the fact that I'm bloated, the fact that I was ravenous last night and couldn't stop eating...most people probably don't notice this stuff, but I dwell on it. And I can try to tell myself not to do it, but it doesn't help. *sigh* I try to relax and I try to not think about it, but nothing works. I can focus on my work, but the thoughts about what my body is doing is always in the back of my mind.

Healthy Treats

I've discovered a few healthy-ish treats that I wanted to share with everyone out there trying to watch their weight!

_____________________

Lemon Shake-Up

You've all probably tried the drinks at fairs and festivals. They put an obnoxious amount of sugar into a cup with lemons, ice, and water, shake them up, then hand over the calorie-laden drink. Well, I've found a good way to make them with zero calories!

You'll need:
1 lemon
1/4 to 1/3 c. Splenda
ice
water
martini shaker

1) Squeeze all the juice out of the lemon into the martini shaker.
2) Add the Splenda
3) Add about 8 ice cubes
4) Put lemons into shaker, then fill the shaker with water until about 1 inch from the upper rim.
5) Put lids on shaker and shake the hell out of it.
6) Pour into cup (sometimes the lemon halves don't fit) and enjoy!

__________________________

Pumpkin Ice Cream
From Hungry Girl

Ingredients:
1/2 cup Breyers Double Churn Free Creamy Vanilla fat-free ice cream
1 tbsp. canned pure pumpkin (not pumpkin pie filling)
1/8 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
2 low-fat honey graham crackers (half a sheet), lightly crushed
4 tbsp. Fat Free Reddi-wip

Directions:

1) Place ice cream in a small dessert bowl, and allow it to thaw just slightly (a few minutes).
2) Then stir in the pumpkin and pumpkin pie spice until thoroughly mixed.
3) Place bowl in the freezer for 30 minutes to allow the ice cream to firm up (editor's note: don't freeze too long or you'll never get it out of the bowl!).
4) Then top with the Redd-wip, followed by the crushed graham crackers.
5) Enjoy!

MAKES 1 SERVING (2 pts per serving)

_______________________________

I found a fantastic frozen pizza last night that I've fallen in love with. I got it at Kroger. I don't know about you, but I have a horrible time rationing myself when I'm eating pizza. I'd prefer to eat half a pizza. Well, half of this pizza is still only 480 calories (9 points for you points-counters...it has added fiber)! If you eat only a quarter of it, it's only 4 points per serving! Wow! Unfortunately, I forgot to write down the brand, so I'll have to look and post later. We added mushrooms to it, but you could add any veggies for free added flavor! Oh, and I needed to add a bit of Italian Seasoning to it as well. Yummo!

Everyone Poops....except me (TMI)

Apparently this is a book that is recommended for reading to little kids so they understand some of the natural, normal bodily functions.

Well, they're normal to everyone but me these days.

I've been eating well for awhile now. One thing WW really focuses on is getting lots of fiber (it's a great way to eat more food while counting less points), so I eat a ton of it. I eat whole grains, a bunch of fruit, and veggies. I used to be really regular. So why haven't I pooped but once in the last 7 days?

My mind immediately goes to my 2ww. If I were pg, my body would be increasing the amount of progesterone it produces in able to help sustain the pregnancy. So that, combined with the iron in my Flintstones vitamins that I take daily, could easily be causing the constipation. But I don't want to get my hopes up higher than they already are (which is actually pretty high).

So then I just think that maybe I'm taking too much iron and that, alone is causing the problem.

Or maybe it's all the bad food I had this weekend. It usually has the opposite effect...but who knows.

Either way, if I don't go sometime at work today, I'm going to be taking something tonight--this is miserable!!!

It's Monday

I've got all sorts of things going against me today...it's Monday, I'm 6 dpo, I'm at work, we woke up late, I'm (TMI) constipated... I should be in a terrible mood. However, I decided this morning that I wanted to try to be positive. I want to be cheerful and try to make people smile today.

All that sort of went to shit about 10 minutes after I got to work. I feel like I'm surrounded by negativity. Our office is quiet of any personal chit-chat, even though co-worker just returned from vacation. It's weird and it absolutely sucks. So now my positive mood is quickly being drained from me...but I'm still trying!

Happy Monday, everyone!

Lesson learned!

Someone last night at my book club (Kelsey/Kelsie--not the dog! lol) said something that made me think. She was talking about when bad things happen trying to think back to what you did in the past that made you "deserve" it.

A lot of friends told me they had a feeling we'd get pg the first cycle. I was *really* hoping they were right. But we didn't. And we're okay. But I'm sort of starting to wonder if God is having this take a little while (hopefully not a LONG while...just a little) because things have always (at least up until I graduated high school) come easily to me. I always got great grades but never had to study. I never practiced my trombone but still excelled. I hardly ever practiced piano, but it came naturally. I've always played different sports and did pretty well. So maybe God just wants me to work for something--to experience what it's like to NOT excel at everything I try.

Then I realize that I had to work for a lot of things since high school. I got cut from the band my first year and worked my butt off to make it every year after that. Having a good, healthy relationship apparently didn't come easily. My grades in college weren't good. I didn't get a job right out of college...so things haven't been all that easy in the last 10 years.

So I've learned the lesson already....it's okay, I get it!!!

And another update (maybe not so quick)

It looks like I Oed yesterday, so I'm glad we chose the option that had us BDing last night. So now I'm officially (I think--will be confirmed by temp tomorrow morning) 1 DPO. It seems like our timing was pretty darn perfect. I'm now feeling really optimistic, so that means if AF shows around August 1st, I'll be particularly upset. But now just need to relax. Relax relax relax.

This means I have two more WW meetings before I would know about being pg if this cycle worked. I was at 204.4 last week and have another meeting tonight. I basically have 2 weigh-ins to lose 4.4 pounds to hit my goal. But if I don't and just happen to be pg, I think that would be okay, too. :)

So, the upcoming plans are (I need to think about how I'm going to spend my 2ww):

Tonight: Working until 5:30 or so, then headed to WW. DH will stay home and cook dinner. By the time we eat it will be about 8:30 and almost time for bed.

Tomorrow: Working until about 5, then headed home to grab a quick dinner. I'm off to Book Club and DH is probably baby-sitting for our niece. May be a late night.

Friday-Sunday: No hard plans. I might suggest we go celebrate our anniversary with dinner. Maybe talk about having my parents up or going to the outlet mall or something.

Monday & Tuesday: Nothing on the schedule. May need to plan on a scrapbooking night with a friend.

Wednesday: Getting my hair cut and going to WW.

Thursday: Volunteering, dinner, then bed

Friday: Nothing major--just praying that spotting doesn't start by then.

An update

I've recently realized that there *are* people out there who are curious how I'm doing (hi! and thanks!)...so I thought I'd post a quick update about this cycle.

Today is CD 13, which means we're quickly approaching that magical, FWaP-ful time of the month.

We're trying a different approach this cycle. It seems that we might have been BDing a bit too much in the past and depleting DH of his "good swimmers". So we're trying to take it easy and I'm trying not to be quite so neurotic. :)

So we BD last night. And it was fun. And that was the point--it wasn't really to BD. It was just to have sex. And it was good.

Of course, as of yesterday I thought I'd be getting my last High reading on the CBEFM today and tomorrow I would get my first Peak. Then we'd BD either tomorrow night or Thursday morning and that would give the....ahem...."swimmers" time to replenish before go-time and I would O on CD 15, Thursday, like the last 3 cycles.

I think my body hates me. I think it's trying to teach me that there are really some things you just can't plan. And I resent it.

Yup, got a Peak today. So that means I should O 12-36 hours from that Peak reading. So anytime between 6:30 tonight and 6:30 tomorrow night (ie. NOT on Thursday). So now we have two choices:

1) BD tonight, giving DH's body about 24 hours to build his sperm supply back up and hopefully BDing right around the time I O...OR

2) BD tomorrow morning, giving DH's body about 33 hours to build his sperm supply back up and pray that we BD early enough.

A friend's RE told her to BD on the day AFTER her 1st Peak and to lay down for 45 minutes afterwards...which is what I want to try this cycle. If we wait until tomorrow morning, we'll be a little late to work, which is actually okay since we have to stay late tomorrow anyway. If we BD tonight, it'll have to be a bit earlier b/c if I lay down for 45 minutes too late I'll fall asleep and I do need to get up and pee so I don't end up with a UTI.

Such decisions!

We'll know tomorrow morning whether I O today or tomorrow (if my temp spikes tomorrow morning, then I Oed today...if the temp is still low tomorrow, it seems that I'll O tomorrow).

I hate this game. I hate not knowing what will happen. I hate taking chances and rolling the dice and possibly wasting a cycle by BDing too often or not often enough or missing the O.

But I'm still here, so no worrying about me. I'm just doing my darnedest to relax this cycle, even if it doesn't sound like it from my last rant. I'm even planning on having a glass of wine tonight!! :)

Shopping

Yes, I'm avoiding my self-review right now.

I have this intense urge to start baby shopping right now. I don't want to jinx us (or have baby-related stuff sitting around for years if it takes us a long time to get pg), so I won't. But I know there are great deals to be had at garage sales and this is the season for them! I'm just so excited to start getting baby-related things around the house... :) Oh well, I'll wait until I see that second line on the pee stick. But then, watch out!!!!