Judging

After I post a blog post like I did yesterday, I fear that I'm being judged.  I know there are about 30 people per day that visit my blog and I don't know who most of them are.  So I picture them all sitting there, reading my post, and just judging how crazy I am instead of offering (any!) words of support. 

The feedback I get from those of you who post comments means the world to me, but the silence I hear from everyone else makes me want to run and hide and not post anymore entries that are so revealing of my soul.  I realize that yesterday's post was about 24 hours ago and not all blog readers are so obsessive devoted to reading blogs, but this just isn't the first time I've felt this way. It makes me want to make my blog private and not share what I'm thinking and feeling with anyone.

This is NOT trying to beg for comments or anything--just sharing, again, how I'm feeling.  Honestly.  Openly. 

Why does it matter if people are judging me?  It just does.  I wish I could take on the attitude of not caring what others think of me, but that's not who I am or how I operate. 

I love blogging.  I love expressing my feelings and talking about my little girl in a place that people can choose to visit and read (rather than bombarding all my FB friends and message board members with story after story of all the cute things she does).  But I don't just do it for me.  I don't just do *anything* for me.  I try to tell funny stories to amuse you.  I try to talk about how I'm feeling in the hopes that someone else might be feeling the same way and either I can help them or we can, at least, find some camaraderie in it.  Some part of this blog is for my own record-keeping.  It's what I do instead of a baby book.  One of these days I'll go fill out her baby book and I'll use this blog to determine when she took her first steps, got her first tooth, and said her first word. 

But mostly, I blog for the community.  And rather than hearing the comments I do get, the silence is saying more.

Emotional rawness

I have come to the realization recently that I dwell on negative things that happened in my past. I can easily name some of the worst moments of my life...but have a lot harder time coming up with the best moments of my life. Is that because things were generally so good that I took note when they weren't? Or is it just that I dwell too much on those negative things?

I had a hard time deciding whether to blog about this or not. It's been on my mind for awhile and decided finally to go for it--I want to get it out.

The truth is, I've been beating myself up for the last 9 years or so because of the way a relationship ended. It was entirely my fault and, had I realized then what a good thing I had, I wouldn't have screwed it up. I hurt a truly wonderful person and to this day still have a hard time forgiving myself for it.

I was a cheater.

They say people don't change, but I can say that I have changed. I cheated on two different long-term boyfriends and saw how much it hurt them and truly regret it and have changed my ways. I can't imagine ever cheating on DH, no matter how bad things got. (Not that things are bad--just sayin', if they did, that isn't a solution)

For some reason I've been able to forgive myself for the second one--maybe because our relationship was essentially over anyway...I don't know. But I was able to move on from that one. To this day, I still can't move on from cheating on my HS boyfriend. And no, it wasn't a one-time thing.

I'm not saying I want to leave DH for him or anything like that--just that I can't forgive myself and I'm not even sure how to go about doing that. He's told me he forgives me. He's moved on and got married a few months before DH and I did. We hung out for hours at our reunion and had a really great time. I thought that would be closure, but it wasn't--it just brought back the guilt and old feelings when I realized that he *still* is a good person and never deserved the way I treated him.

And I thought blogging about it would make me feel better, but I'm not sure it does. It actually makes me feel more guilty about being such an awful person and admitting it to however many strangers/friends read this blog. Do other people have regrets like this that they can't move past? Or is there something wrong with me for dwelling on this for so stinkin' long? It still can bring me to tears when I think about it--why does something from so long ago have such a strong emotional impact on me still?

Shutting down

A couple of you know that I used to have anorexic tendencies. I was never officially diagnosed, but I didn't eat for a lot of my junior and senior years of high school. Whenever I was faced with a situation where I had no food choices--it was either eat unhealthy stuff or go hungry--I chose to go hungry. So I see those tendencies creeping back in and I'm not exactly sure how to fight them. I try to make situations so I can control them, but there's not much I can control when we're here. Therefore, I tend to shut down. It's easier for me to not eat at all than to just have a couple of chips or just one cookie, especially in an already stressful situation. Once I start, I have a hard time stopping.

I'm working on it. I believe just being aware of it has to be good for something. But I'm a work in progress.

No, I didn't lose 70 pounds at all by not eating--I always eat now. But when in situations where I don't have a healthy choice, it's hard for me to let my guard down a little and try portion control with unhealthy stuff, especially when I don't have any idea what the nutritional value of stuff is (and when I'm in a situation where everyone is eating everything in sight).

Failure

I hold myself to really high standards most of the time and have a hard time accepting failure on my own part. I'm really disappointed and feel like there's something that I could and should have done better to allow us to get pg this month. Should I be miserable for the next few months and discontinue my Zyrtec D so that I actually have some CM? Should I have started eating the pineapple earlier? Should I have done a better job keeping my tummy warm?

I could sit and second-guess myself all damn day, but at the end of it all, I'll have the same result. I'm not pg and I need to pick my ass up and just move on. So that's what I'm going to do, starting now.

This morning I weighed myself in the basement, as I usually do. This is the same scale that read 274 back in the spring of 2005. And this morning I actually saw 208 on it. The lowest I'd seen before was 210. (the ticker in my blog is tracking my WW weight) So this has given me newfound hope that maybe, just maybe, I could get below 200 before getting pg. So I'm going to work even harder now. Of course, if I could just find the Wii Fit, it might help :)

And a friend gave me her CPEFM to try this cycle--I need to go out and get the sticks and read the booklet so I know what to do. I haven't decided yet if I want to stop temping for the month or not. I actually really enjoy seeing the temps and what they do...but temping can be a hassle on the weekends and when we're away from home.

Also going to buy some PreSeed. It's the only sperm-friendly lubricant out there. I'm not generating much CM, so I'm hoping it will help replace it. If it doesn't work this cycle, I might seriously consider discontinuing my Zyrtec D for awhile. The PreSeed is sold at a pharmacy near us, so I think I/we will drive down there sometime in the next few days to price it. If it's cheaper online, I'll just buy it online and have it shipped.

And other than that, I'm going to do my best to relax. Even though I know so many people say stupid shit like "all she had to do was relax and she got pregnant" and I know it's not really true...for my own sanity, I have to try to relax and refocus. This cycle was a little crazy for me and I don't know if I want to experience one like this again!