Break my little heart

We're sitting around, watching some goofy Elmo video, when Baby Girl says, "milk?"  We said, "you want some milk?" and when she nodded The Hubby went and got her a sippy of milk.  While he was in the kitchen, she pointed at me and said, "This milk?" 

This is the first time in three weeks she's asked to nurse.  I'm okay.  A little sad, but better than I thought I would be at this point. 

We told her that that milk was all gone and she was okay with it.  She drank her sippy of milk (something she never does at home--we were so unprepared that she's drinking our 1% milk) and pointed to my boobies and said "milk all gone".

Yep, kiddo, mommy's milk is all gone.

Weaned: Two Weeks Later

(With all the silly Blogger issues last week, this didn't publish when it was scheduled.  At least I didn't lose it, though!)

I mentioned in Baby Girl's 21 month post that we were done with nursing.  I'm ready to talk about it, to explore the feelings I had and have had in the 2 1/2 weeks since.

But first, the story. 

Easter Sunday (April 24th) we came back from the in-laws' and had a completely normal night.  I nursed Baby Girl for what would be the last time.  It was a normal session for us, from what I remember (had I known it would be the last time, I would have etched every single moment into my mind).  She was a little distracted, as usual.  She popped off to look at Daddy to talk to me, to watch TV.  Nothing abnormal at this point.  I handed her off to her daddy and they went upstairs and did their bedtime routine and she went to sleep for the night.

Monday evening we were gearing up to start our bedtime routine.  I asked Baby Girl if she was ready and she said, "Stairs?"  This means she is ready to go upstairs, so I asked, "don't you want some milk first?" and got the reply, "No milk".  I asked her a couple more times, The Hubby asked, and she said no each time.  So no milk that night.

I honestly don't remember if her daddy did bedtime that night or I did.  I know I went to the grocery in tears.  I cried most of the drive there and probably looked like a crazy woman while walking the aisles.  I collected myself before I entered the store, but I'm sure I looked a wreck.  I couldn't believe my baby was done. 

I got teary during the next day at work from time to time, but honestly thought she'd want to nurse that evening again.  I just hoped that I'd be able to produce something for her.  I hadn't felt any fullness and had already known that my supply was pretty low at that point. 

I was wrong.  She never asked for it again.  I got up the nerve to ask her this past weekend if she remembered what mommy's boobies were for (she's obsessed with talking about boobies right now) and she said something random.  I told her that she used to drink milk from mommy's boobies.  She seemed wholly unimpressed and went along with her playtime. 

Honestly, the biggest problem with the weaning is that she's still having a really rough time with bedtime.  She doesn't seem to be winding down like we'd like and we've tried different things so I don't have to spend an hour upstairs with her every night (because she's now refusing to let The Hubby do bedtime) and nothing is working.  She won't sit quietly and drink a sippy cup of milk and read, a bath isn't winding her down, sitting and reading books isn't working.  She's incredibly wound up and wants to play upstairs once we get there.  I give her a limit on the number of books and warn her after each book how many she has left.  I try to set limits on the number of toys and blankies and demands she places on the way I rock her.  Last night I finally put her in the crib and just rubbed her back for a minute, which worked well and might be what we try again tonight.

But back to the weaning.  Once I realized that Baby Girl is actually weaned, I've been trying to celebrate it.

I've been wearing a real bra since 4/27 (one with UNDERWIRE!).
I've taken allergy medication
I've started back on Weight Watchers (and have lost at least 5 pounds)
We went out to dinner and didn't worry about being back in time for bedtime (although we were and were happy to see our girl before she went to sleep)
I could (although I haven't yet) start drinking caffeine again if I want
I have been able to drink wine without really worrying about any implications


I know there are positive aspects to weaning, but I still miss that requisite time with my girl each night.  As much as I resented nursing sometimes, I do really miss that quiet time with her.  She's now an active toddler who doesn't have time for cuddling with Mommy.  She's moved on.  And I'm trying to do the same.

21 Months

Every time I write one of these, I'm tempted to start out with the same, tired line.  "I can't believe it's been XX months".  But it's true.  In ways, I cannot remember a time without my baby.  But in others, I can't believe that she has changed from a baby to a toddler seemingly in the time it took me to take a breath. 

She is amazing.  In this past month, she has started exerting her independence more than ever.  Her favorite phrase of the last month has been "DOOWIT!!!!" or "Self!"  In other words, she wants to do it herself, whether it's get dressed, put on her shoes, eat, change her diaper, climb the stairs, brush her teeth...  You get the picture.  It's generally been okay except when she had a cold.  A toddler trying to blow her nose and hold the tissue gets a bit messy.

In the last couple of weeks, we've noticed a big push toward using phrases instead of single words to convey her thoughts.  She had been using two-word phrases some, but now it's almost always at least two words (even if they still sound like one word sentences because of the unnatural break in between them).   

Baby Girl is also becoming more reliable with her manners.  She says "Sank You" and "Peeease" and "Cue Me" on a regular basis.  And she says "Sorry" when she hurts herself.  I think this is because whenever we hit her head getting her into her car seat we'll tell her "sorry".

This month has also been one where Baby Girl learn to climb and descend the stairs standing up.  I don't know if her height was her previous limitation or if it was our hesitation, but she's getting to be a pro now.  As long as she has something to hold onto, she can go up and down any stairs.  Of course, this also means she wants to prove her abilities whenever we're around a set of stairs, so our baby gate has been getting a good amount of use.

The last, less pleasant development that we've experienced has been, as of this past Monday, a complete shift in attitude.  She's decided that Daddy isn't worthy of putting her to bed.  She now knows that brushing her teeth is very likely going to kill her.  She also now believes that booby milk is for babies. 

Yep, she's now weaned.  Look for another post all on its own about that.  It has been since Easter Sunday that she last nursed.

All of these changes have meant that bedtime has become an incredibly painful battle.  I think she's having a hard time winding down now that she's not nursing.  It could also be because she's throwing tantrums about brushing her teeth and about Daddy trying to change her diaper and put on her PJs.  Oh, and she's screams and cries if we even mention Daddy doing bedtime, even though he's done 98% of her bedtimes since she was born.  It's loads of fun.  I'm praying it's a phase and fearing it isn't. 

All of this means that she's becoming her own independent little person.  I have moments of loving it...and moments of not being so happy about it.  But it's inevitable, so I'm accepting it and trying to adjust to her ever-changing personality.  Only three more months until we hit age two!

The Stigma of Nursing

When I was pregnant, it didn't feel like there was a choice to be made--I was going to try my damnedest to breastfeed my baby.

Once I had her, even though I hadn't planned on it, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best breastfeeder in the world.  And, honestly, I was the best breastfeeder that my baby had ever had or needed.  I filled her needs, eventually*. 

I still, however, got jealous of those women.  Those ones who had thousands of ounces of extra milk to donate, to save, to take a bath in.  I also was jealous of those women who were fine to go out at night and "just give the baby a bottle".  I always felt like I needed to pump if I wasn't going to feed her directly and, well, if I could just make it work to feed her directly....I'd, of course, prefer that.  So I haven't missed a bedtime in almost 19 months.

I've worked my ass off to nurse Baby Girl.  I've sacrificed a lot.  And I like to celebrate that sometimes.  She's beautiful and intelligent and funny and hasn't been horribly sick (yet), so I must be doing something right.

Why, then, did I begin to feel guilty about nursing her once she hit a year old?  I was SO proud of how long I'd nursed until then.  But now?  I fear being chastized.

I was one of those women.  Before having Baby Girl, I'd always said, "If the kid can ask for it, they're too old".  I never planned on nursing this long.  My kid can say "milk, PLEASE", even.  She's been able to make the sign for it for half her life.  And yet, I still nurse her, as much as I'd been against it before having babies.  Just goes to show you can't judge anything until you're in the situation yourself.

Where is that line?  When does it go from "wow, you're a fabulous mommy for doing what you do and would be a failure to yourself and to your kid if you stopped"** to "oh.       gross."?  I haven't figured it out yet, but would love to know.  And why is it there? 

I still look at the 7 year old nursing and think, "not me", but when will we stop?  I have no idea.  I was just talking to The Hubby about this.  We'd like to have another baby...someday.  And I don't want Baby Girl to still remember nursing and dive in and take it from the baby.  Or to resent the baby for taking away her nursing.  The plan is to let Baby Girl lead, but at 19 months and still nursing twice a day...I don't know if she's ever going to give it up.  And I don't really know if I'm totally ready for her to, either. 




* My milk didn't come in until day 5 or so and, therefore, we were subject to a couple of weeks of weight checks.  She finally returned to her birth weight right at 2 weeks of age, so we didn't need to supplement.

** No, this is not the way I feel about it.  I get that feeling from other women, though, and, honestly, I would've felt like a failure if I hadn't been able to.  But I don't judge other women either way.  Seriously.

Pumping....still

I think 95% of you will think "wow, she's a little crazy" when I tell you this. 

I'm still pumping at work.

Yep, Baby Girl is 17+ months old and I am still pumping once a day at work (down from 4 when I first came back to work after maternity leave).

The remaining 5% of you will probably be switched to the "she's crazy" side when I tell you this part. 

I have been getting just over one ounce per day.  ONE OUNCE.

I keep doing it because, somehow, I'm convinced this means I can still nurse Baby Girl on the weekends during the day.  And she still asks for it.  All.  Day.  Long.  The Hubby and I can't decide if she's bored, wants some bonding time, or if she actually wants milk (she'll say "Milk?", then if I tell her it isn't milk time, "Eat?"), but if she's asking for it, I want to give it to her because...I'm just like that.

I actually came here to post that I may be pumping for the last time at work.  I figured if I got less than an ounce today, it's not worth it anymore and that she really isn't getting much milk during the day from me anyway, so she'll probably be just as happy nursing and not getting anything.

But then I looked down and realized that I might get closer to two ounces.  And I completely rethought that. 

I feel neurotic for still doing this.  It feels silly to keeping pumping, especially since it doesn't matter much to me whether she's drinking the milk at the sitter's--it's ONLY about being able to nurse on the weekends.

So we'll see.  I'll see how much I actually get today, put it in the bag, and decide after the weekend what to do.  Just taking it one day at a time since I cry every time I think about being done with nursing.  I'll miss that time with my baby.  She's not a huge snuggler when she's not tired, so I'll miss the snuggly time we get together.  Ah...such an incredibly emotional thing, whether it's my body "failing" (obviously not a failure at 17+ months!), her leading the weaning, or my leading the weaning. 

Sleep update

I really hesistate to do this, but I'm putting it out there.  Baby Girl has slept through the night for the last four nights. 

There, I said it.  And I'm sure tonight she'll be up around 1.

At the end of last week, she started to get sick.  Since she was acting normal besides the river of snot, we went ahead with our plans to cut out overnight nursing.  The first night was rough, but she slept through the night that next night (I think that was Friday).  The Hubby and I were both getting sick and didn't want to deal with her when she woke up in the middle of the night Saturday night, so I nursed her.  She got up again Sunday night and The Hubby and I worked with her...after being up for over 2 hours.  But since that night she's been sleeping all night long.

She actually defies all the baby laws and sleeps better when she's sick, so who knows if this will last now that she's on azithromycin for her latest double ear infection (ugh....), but we're keeping our fingers crossed that this is it.

But now it's time for a confession.  I sort of miss her.  I've felt better, though, since she's been falling asleep while nursing, which makes an extra long nursing session.  Love that (for now) since I know our nursing time is coming to an end.  I'm down to pumping 3-4 ounces a day at work, but she's still nursing like normal when I'm around her.  She hasn't gotten frustrated by the lack of volume, so we'll keep doing it. 

I am SO happy to be getting some sleep, though, finally, especially since The Hubby and I have had this same cold since last weekend and then I had my three remaining wisdom teeth pulled yesterday.  It's good to get some reliable sleep.  She's been waking around 5--sometimes for the day and sometimes to fall back asleep nursing.  Not sure if we're going to try to discourage that or if we'll just roll with it until it starts moving toward 4.  Just playing it by ear for now. 

Shouldn't you be nursing LESS than when you were 6 months old?

(Written 9/24...stupid scheduled post not working)

I've spent a lot of time with Baby Girl this week because our sitter was on vacation.  I could go on and on about how special this time has been--it has been. 

But I want this post to be about the strange thing she's been doing.  Now that she's got an effective way of asking for milk (meaning that she doesn't just pull at the neck of my shirt and whine...most of the time...), she's started asking for it more often.  Before this past week, I figured we were on our way to weaning, so I resolved to just give her milk when she asks for it...which has backfired on me!  We were nursing after she woke from naps and then before bedtime (so 4 times during the day and once overnight), but she's now asking before each nap as well, which means we're now nursing 6 times during the day and once overnight! 

Of course I could say no, but as long as she isn't getting frustrated by my not having a ton of milk when she eats, I don't have a reason to refuse her.  If we were out and about, she wouldn't ask--it's only when we're sitting around the house.  And if I were busy, she probably wouldn't ask, either.  So I'm relishing it...but just confused!  Shouldn't she *not* be wanting it as much now?

A Year of Nursing

Wow.  It's hard to believe that I've made it to a year.  When I first got pregnant (and up until Baby Girl arrived), I was a little weirded out by the thought of nursing, honestly.  I knew I wanted to give it a try, but couldn't imagine what it would be like, having only used these puppies for pleasure previously. 

I remember the day I first saw some colostrum while I was still pregnant.  A friend of mine had mentioned that she had some (we were due around the same time), so I squeezed and got a little bit out.  It was both freaky and exciting at the same time--maybe my body was going to cooperate!

Baby Girl took to nursing fairly easily (with help from almost every nurse and a couple of lactation consultants!) while in the hospital.  Because of having a C-section, my milk didn't come in right away (it came in the day we left the hospital--day 5) and we were a little concerned that Baby Girl wouldn't gain weight well.  She also had a touch of jaundice (I found out later that we probably shouldn't have been discharged with as jaundiced as she was.  The measurement taken before we left the hospital was lower than the day before, so they thought it was on its way out of her system, whereas it then went back up the next day.), so the doctors really wanted me to nurse a lot to "wash" it out of her system. 

I still remember the stress I felt of having to go for weight checks.  It felt like a direct reflection on my abilities as a mother.  We were discharged on a Sunday and had our first pediatrician appointment on Monday.  We had to go back that Wednesday, Friday, and the next Monday to see if she was gaining weight.  That next Monday the doctor said since she was just one ounce below birth weight that she would be okay (they want them back at birth weight by the time they're two weeks okay, which would be that Wednesday).  I was so nervous we would have to supplement with formula, though, because I knew that the more she nursed, the more I would produce.  I wanted a chance to be able to provide because I was pretty sure if she had formula she wouldn't nurse as much and, therefore, I would never produce enough for her.  I'm thankful daily that we didn't have to supplement (both for my ego and for my wallet!).

We've had a couple of rough patches with nursing (including the night it was so painful that I didn't know what to do...thank God for a friend who offered me nipple shields at 10:00 p.m. who was dealing with her own newborn at the time!), but overall nursing has been amazingly easy for us.  We haven't had to deal with thrush, clogged ducts, undersupply, oversupply, or mastitis, which I realize is incredibly fortunate.  Each day that I nurse my baby I'm grateful for these blessings.

Nursing, though, while it hasn't been too bad physically, has taken an incredible emotional toll on me.  I'm very happy to do it and, in the moment, love it more than words can say, but it's been hard having to manage my bo.obs all the time.  I have to always be thinking of how I can relieve myself and am nervous about missing a session because I'm afraid my milk production will slow.  Many people will say "well, you can just have someone give her a bottle", which is true except that I still have to find a way to get the milk out of my body.  If I'm going to pump and *could* be close to her, then I'd just as soon nurse her.  It's entirely my own mentality, though.  I could probably miss some sessions without pumping and be okay, but don't want my supply to suffer because I'm being selfish. 

The hardest part is the combination of the pressure of being Baby Girl's sole source of nutrition with knowing that I ALWAYS have to think about how to get the milk out of my body and never have the true freedom to do something I'd like to and also with knowing that anything I put into my body is still affecting her (I always really thought that would end with her birth!).  I haven't had caffeine in a very long time...I'm overly cautious about it, but now fear what it would do to her if I had it.  This means I'm always looking for caffeine-free options, which can be difficult, especially when all you want is a Coke Zero!  It also means that I haven't had any alcohol in almost a year because I'm nervous and refuse to pump and dump.  No glass of wine is worth that and those stupid test strips are expensive.  This body-sharing also means I can't take drugs I'd like to sometimes when I'm sick, which includes my allergy medicine, but that's because I'm afraid it'll dry up my milk.

You'll find a theme to most of my complaints, though--they truly are my own choices, just like nursing.  I suppose it's going to be this way for the rest of my life--always making sacrifices for my baby.  I still think nursing her is the best thing for her, so I continue to pump three to four times a day during the week (I'm pumping once before bed every night because if I don't I'm not able to get the 12 oz per day that she needs) and I continue to make choices for her benefit. 

I can honestly say, though, that nursing now is more physically painful than it was when she was little. She twists and turns while she eats and I have a hard time controlling her. She's also forgotten the art of LETTING GO. She just slurps off and on and, well, it hurts. But we're working on it. At least she's stopping biting.

Many people have started to ask about weaning (especially when I mention the biting!).  I plan to just let her lead weaning whenever she's ready.  Many times she doesn't seem like she needs to nurse, but if you could see that smile when I offer (show her the sign for milk), it would melt your heart!  And there are still other times when she wakes from her naps that she's cranky until she gets her milk, so I know she still wants it, at least for now.

She loves to nurse and it's the only thing that can calm her sometimes, which makes me a little nervous for when we do wean!  It makes me wonder, though, if I have any soothing skills besides offering the breast.  I suppose we'll find out someday.  For now, though, whenever she wakes in the night The Hubby brings her to me and I nurse her back to sleep.  And I'm okay with it.  I don't think if I stopping nursing her that she'd necessarily stop waking, so I do it.  When she slept through the night for that glorious week it wasn't because I withheld nursing--she just did it of her own accord. 

I'll miss this bonding time when she does wean.  I love my snuggle time and because she's such an on-the-go type of girl, I don't know if she'll have time to snuggle with her mommy anymore.  I hope so.  I'll miss looking into those big brown eyes gazing up at me.  I'll even miss the way she pulls on my hair (she can get a little rough sometimes) and tries to play with my eyelashes while she eats.  I'll miss those lazy nursing sessions (we still have ones that last for 20 minutes or more!).  I'll miss that moment when she pops off and just lays there, asleep.  I'll miss this bond I have with my baby girl, but, for now, am just thankful for the year of success we've had.

Happy Breastfeeding Awareness Week!

I just found out this is Breastfeeding Awareness Week.  I want you all to be aware of the benefits of breastfeeding and then make the best choice for you and your child, whether that means to try to nurse until you have gouges in your nips, not to ever try breastfeeding at all, to nurse until baby is 5, to exclusively pump, to take supplements, to wean at a certain age...whatever it means, just be aware there are benefits to breastfeeding.  And whatever you choose, I applaud you for doing what's best for you and your child.  Really.  I believe breastfeeding is what is right for our family, but know that it isn't right for everyone.  It's okay to differ on this subject!

I just read a fabulous blog post (all of her posts are fabulous--if you need another blog to read, please check out hers...it's witty, dry, and intelligent).  I think it's absolutely right to aim the discussion in that direction, rather than to tell everyone that breast is always best, no matter what.

So good for you, mom.  However you choose to feed your baby!