Shopping

Yes, I'm avoiding my self-review right now.

I have this intense urge to start baby shopping right now. I don't want to jinx us (or have baby-related stuff sitting around for years if it takes us a long time to get pg), so I won't. But I know there are great deals to be had at garage sales and this is the season for them! I'm just so excited to start getting baby-related things around the house... :) Oh well, I'll wait until I see that second line on the pee stick. But then, watch out!!!!

I don't know if I can do this

Every year we have to do a self-review as part of our performance review. I know it's coming every year, yet every year I get stressed out by it. We received our form late last Friday. I've looked at it every single day this week and didn't write anything down until yesterday. The questions are: Goals from last year and how well you completed them, Accomplishments, Strengths, and Weaknesses. I made myself a list of all the tasks I've completed, but they hardly seem like anything worth writing as an accomplishment. I know when I get in the actual review, my boss will ask "do you really believe BLAH???" I honestly don't feel confident enough in any of the things I'm going to write to defend them. I feel so negative right now that I'm not really sure I deserve a raise, although I know I worked pretty hard and I really WANT a raise. By this time next year, I'm hoping to have a baby and I know it will take money to raise one! But it's so hard for me to justify...whenever I look back at things that happened, I see the mistakes I made, not the good outcomes. But I still can't list my weaknesses...and can't come up with any strengths. I have to turn it in by the end of the day and just don't feel like I can. I thought I'd be in a good enough mood at some point this week to be able to do it, but I haven't been. And here it is, Friday.

Two pounds

In the wrong direction. Shit.

So even people who are generally successful at this have bad weeks.

I'm trying really hard not to let this one week's setback get me down. But I know if next week is bad (ie. not losing at least a pound), I will be really frustrated. I was at a good place to get below 200 by the end of July...now I'm not so sure.

But I AM going to keep going and keep working at it. It IS a lifestyle for me, a way of eating for the rest of my life. To help me live longer. To help me be happier. To help me be here for my DH. To help me get pregnant.

I hope.

Of course, my mom has lost 85 pounds and has doubled her blood pressure meds AND her diabetes meds. Who knows where she'd be if she hadn't lost that weight, but I can absolutely understand why she's so frustrated. I have to believe, though, that I will have some benefit from losing almost 70 pounds, besides the aesthetic ones. So I keep on keeping on.

But it's tough.

Spending Freeze

DH and I decided to have a self-imposed spending freeze. We have too much clutter in our house as it is--we don't need more stuff and I have an awful time with spending "just a little" here or there. It's not b/c we're having financial trouble--I just want to be more conscious of where our money is actually going. We're saving plenty and really, actually, doing quite well with what we have.

So we made a list of expected expenses between now and the end of August and, besides those, we won't be spending.

• All regular bills (I keep a running list of those in an Excel spreadsheet), including groceries and gas
• Grocery
• Five birthdays (it's a busy month for us!)
• Two night hotel stay for DH's cousin's wedding in St. Louis
• Food and gas for trip to St. Louis
• Wedding gift
• Maintenence for DH's car (hasn't had much but oil changes in the 4 years he's owned it....it's time)
• Possibly a jacket to wear over the dress I'm wearing to the wedding (budgeting $25 for it)
• A haircut for me (I only get it done once every 6 months or so...I'm due! lol)

Quite honestly, though, this will be a spendy month, even without all the extra stuff I would normally buy!

At least I can still get my shopping fix through CVS since I don't actually spend money there. Whew.

Emotional rawness

I have come to the realization recently that I dwell on negative things that happened in my past. I can easily name some of the worst moments of my life...but have a lot harder time coming up with the best moments of my life. Is that because things were generally so good that I took note when they weren't? Or is it just that I dwell too much on those negative things?

I had a hard time deciding whether to blog about this or not. It's been on my mind for awhile and decided finally to go for it--I want to get it out.

The truth is, I've been beating myself up for the last 9 years or so because of the way a relationship ended. It was entirely my fault and, had I realized then what a good thing I had, I wouldn't have screwed it up. I hurt a truly wonderful person and to this day still have a hard time forgiving myself for it.

I was a cheater.

They say people don't change, but I can say that I have changed. I cheated on two different long-term boyfriends and saw how much it hurt them and truly regret it and have changed my ways. I can't imagine ever cheating on DH, no matter how bad things got. (Not that things are bad--just sayin', if they did, that isn't a solution)

For some reason I've been able to forgive myself for the second one--maybe because our relationship was essentially over anyway...I don't know. But I was able to move on from that one. To this day, I still can't move on from cheating on my HS boyfriend. And no, it wasn't a one-time thing.

I'm not saying I want to leave DH for him or anything like that--just that I can't forgive myself and I'm not even sure how to go about doing that. He's told me he forgives me. He's moved on and got married a few months before DH and I did. We hung out for hours at our reunion and had a really great time. I thought that would be closure, but it wasn't--it just brought back the guilt and old feelings when I realized that he *still* is a good person and never deserved the way I treated him.

And I thought blogging about it would make me feel better, but I'm not sure it does. It actually makes me feel more guilty about being such an awful person and admitting it to however many strangers/friends read this blog. Do other people have regrets like this that they can't move past? Or is there something wrong with me for dwelling on this for so stinkin' long? It still can bring me to tears when I think about it--why does something from so long ago have such a strong emotional impact on me still?

To continue the good vibes...

Today is cycle day one. Yup, AF showed today. I am tempted to be brought down and depressed by this, so, once again, going to make a list about why this is good.

1) I can take the Diflucan I was prescribed since now I know I'm not pg. I've been shooting the crotch cream (yup, that's what I call it) for 3 days now, but I don't have to deal with it anymore because I can just take the single pill and have it all cleared up. Woot.

2) I can finally shop for a dress for DH's cousin's wedding. I've been putting it off because, hell, I could have been 4 months pg at the wedding if we'd gotten pg on the first shot (boy, how optimistic was I?). Even during this last cycle I didn't want to buy anything in case I had a crazy amount of bloat going on by 8 weeks. So if, by the grace of God, this cycle works, we will find out approximately the day before we leave (AF is due the day we leave town). What a depressing or exciting day that could be. I wouldn't think I'd be so bloated by then that I couldn't wear a cute new dress (or even one I find in my closet that fits again!).

3) I can get below 200 before getting pg! I hit 202.4 last night at WW, so if I work hard, I think I can get in the 100s by the end of the month!

4) I can continue my experimental drinking of wine. I LOVE Moscato wine (thanks, S!). It's definitely a dessert wine--SO sweet! I was nervous about drinking wine while trying to lose weight, but found that one glass (5 oz.) is only 2 points! I can typically spare 2 points in a given day and since I was still able to lose this week, I don't think it sabotaged me. So I'm going to try to drink more of it--I love it and after a long day, it's a great treat!

5) I can try to relax. If I were pg, I'd be worried all darn month that I was m/cing. So maybe I don't need to start that stress yet. I can just try to relax and enjoy this next month of spending time with DH.
So there, AF. I'm glad (???) you're here. Can't ruin my day with your silly cramps and stupid bleeding. Ha.

Changing my way of thinking

I wanted to log into blogger and post a blog bitching about some recent health issues that keep perpetuating themselves...and causing me to be sick (of some sort) for 3 weeks now. But by the time I got here, I realized that no one needs or wants to read that. And, well, shit happens, Allison...so suck it up.

So I am going to write a post about some things that make me happy right now:

1) A friend of mine offered to design my landscaping--for free (although I might babysit her little one sometime or something...)! I hope she understands the undertaking this is going to be--I know NOTHING about gardening and our flower beds are currently overridden with weeds. Ick! But I'm really excited to be getting that kick in the butt that I apparently need to get something done outside.

2) I get some time to myself this evening. I LOVE having DH around and spending time with him, but I'm actually looking forward to spending just a couple of hours doing my own thing (which I could totally do with him home). I think I'm going to put together a board we can hang near our kitchen where we can put pictures, invitation, etc. I doubt it will get done tonight (will probably need tools I don't know how to use), but I'm going to at least start it!

3) We're making plans to go to a Cleveland Browns game this fall with DH's whole family and I am SO excited! Just need to talk to BIL and SIL tonight (will see SIL at WW) to see if they're interested. Right now it's MIL, FIL, younger BIL (+1--maybe his GF, maybe a friend?), DH and me. Hopefully BIL and SIL will want to come. Tickets go on sale on Saturday morning at 10, so we'll be ordering them then!

4) DH and I are keeping up on the laundry that we started last weekend and I've been able to purge a BUNCH of clothes. I'm really proud of myself. Now just need to find a good cause to send them to.

5) I put on a formal dress last weekend that I hadn't worn since college--and I looked hot!!! lol

6) We're going to work on decorating our bedroom soon. It's already painted and has new furniture, but it needs something on the walls, so I'm going to print and frame some photos I took in NYC. I edited them last night with Photoshop, just to crop them a bit and spice them up a bit:

I think they look almost professional--a big feat for me!

See, just thinking about those things have made me feel better! Sometimes you just need to.....Accentuate the Positive!!!

Oh, and just for good measure...a picture of my beautiful niece, who always makes me smile.

Just tell me when

I've realized recently that BDing, for me, is a lot like eating. I have a hard time knowing when I'm actually hungry and when I'm just bored, at least until I'm totally famished. I also don't really seem to be "hungry" for BDing, so the only time it happens is when it's FWaP. I blamed my lack of a sex drive on the pill, but it's seeming like that wasn't the case because I still have very little interest (sad for DH, I know).

So I have WW that tells me how much I need to eat in a day. It scares the shit out of me that I won't know how much to eat when I'm pg--I'm just supposed to listen to my body. Yeah, I overeat when I do that.

And now we're TTC--so I know when we're supposed to BD. Unfortunately, I have very little interest outside of that time, which just royally sucks. I'd rather snuggle than BD, hands down, every night. I know that that's not necessarily good--a wife is supposed to want to have sex with her husband. It's not DH, it's absolutely me. I suppose I should make a better effort and maybe I'd want to more often. We'll see.

Shutting down

A couple of you know that I used to have anorexic tendencies. I was never officially diagnosed, but I didn't eat for a lot of my junior and senior years of high school. Whenever I was faced with a situation where I had no food choices--it was either eat unhealthy stuff or go hungry--I chose to go hungry. So I see those tendencies creeping back in and I'm not exactly sure how to fight them. I try to make situations so I can control them, but there's not much I can control when we're here. Therefore, I tend to shut down. It's easier for me to not eat at all than to just have a couple of chips or just one cookie, especially in an already stressful situation. Once I start, I have a hard time stopping.

I'm working on it. I believe just being aware of it has to be good for something. But I'm a work in progress.

No, I didn't lose 70 pounds at all by not eating--I always eat now. But when in situations where I don't have a healthy choice, it's hard for me to let my guard down a little and try portion control with unhealthy stuff, especially when I don't have any idea what the nutritional value of stuff is (and when I'm in a situation where everyone is eating everything in sight).

Can I cry?

I fully believe we're onto cycle #4 at this point--I've started spotting today, right on schedule. I know many of you are thinking "don't give up hope just yet--lots of people spot and are pg", but I really feel like I know my body at this point, and this is the beginning of the end.

So I'm sad. Rightfully so, I think. Like I always say--I know other people take much longer than this to get pg, but it doesn't change the fact that it makes me sad that it didn't work this time.

Also weighed myself on the ILs' scale--gained 2 pounds from yesterday morning. I'm sure it's bloat, but after all the crap I ate yesterday (I tried...but when all you have for dinner is 2 FF hot dogs and there are no healthy choices in the house, chips and dip and cookies sound pretty damn good), I just feel guilty. So when I told DH that I think the cycle is over, he tries to be all upbeat and says "well, at least you can focus on your other goal now". I respond with "I've gained 2 pounds in one day". So he gets frustrated and walks away.

Am I not allowed to be upset? Can I not cry and think about this for 15 damn minutes? We've been at his parents' house for a couple of days and I haven't been able to think about this cycle the entire time but they're gone for an hour or so--can't I take advantage of this time to be upset? I promise I'll do my best to be normal by the time they come back, but I need this time right now.

In an hour we need to leave to go to lunch at his grandma's house....spaghetti. Joy. No way to get healthy around that. So it looks like I'll just eat a tiny bit and be hungry, unless there are other options there.

Oh, and for those wondering, I'm still going to POAS tomorrow--I can't help it. But I'm not going to spend forever trying to find a line.

Standing up for myself

I have a really hard time standing up for myself when it comes to food and my ILs. They know I'm trying to eat more healthy and they have thought about that. For instance, my MIL got me some FF Ranch dressing for our salads the other night, which was so nice!

However, I also don't like picnic foods. None of them. I'll eat the meat, but no macaroni salad, pasta salad, potato salad, deviled eggs, baked beans, melon...so the only other option is potato chips, which I have cut out of my diet. Yeah, so we've had picnic foods for dinner both last night and tonight. Last night it was nice--they got chicken to grill, salad, tomatoes, and corn on the cob. No worries--I eat all that. Well, tonight we're having....brats (yum, but SO fatty...), hot dogs, baked beans, chips & dip, watermelon, and macaroni salad. So I asked if I could make some cookies. So I'll be eating hot dogs and my cookies. I have NEVER liked picnic foods, but have they ever noticed that? Of course not. 6 1/2 years around this family and they've never thought about it.

The problem is that I have a hard time standing up for myself and asking for stuff that I can eat (besides making the dessert...hey, I'm trying). I guess I just figure that it isn't important enough that they would remember so why would they change their menu for me? I just wonder when they'll notice that I eat nothing but the meat. Eh, probably never.

You might be wondering where DH is through all this? Yeah, he asks me wtf else you're supposed to eat at a picnic. Helpful, dear. Thanks. We cook out at our house all the time and I have no problems. So he's no help and doesn't say anything. Ugh. So eating around here is pretty miserable.

9 DPO and I'm obsessing

Yup, I spoke too soon when I said the 2WW was going smoothly and I hadn't been thinking about it too much. I've been feeling nauseous off and on for the last couple of days and have had some cramping recently. I've got to think it's PMS-cramping, but of course I wonder. Ugh. Will definitely be testing Monday morning--I can't wait any longer than that!!!

A weird place

I realized last night how odd of a place I'm at in my life. I'm trying very hard to lose weight (last night I got great news--I'm over 70 pounds overall and lost 25 with WW, which means I passed my 10% goal as well with WW) but I'm also trying very hard to get pg. I suppose it's good in the sense that AF can show and I can say "well, at least I have another 4 weeks to get my weight under 200 pounds". But it just seems weird. Like I'm in a race or something--which will win, the weight loss goal or the goal to be a mommy?

Slacker

Yup, I'm a slacker.

But there's a sort of good reason I haven't been blogging as much. I've been trying not to think about whether we're pg or not. I've been focusing on other things in my life and trying to... *gasp* relax. :) Yes, I'm in the 2ww...and I'm actually doing okay.

Yes, I'm anxious. Yes, I'm ready for next Monday (11 DPO--the date I'm forcing myself to wait for to test) to come. But until then, I'm going to be relaxing and maybe doing some small traveling.

I'm just excited the holiday weekend is upon us. That means sleeping in and doing a whole lot of nothing, if you ask me!!!

Hope everyone has a safe and happy Fourth of July!!

Facing the past

I am really starting to stress out about this weekend. This Saturday is my 10-year class reunion and I'm beginning to think about bailing on it. I don't know why I felt the need to see all these people again. The last time I saw them, I wasn't eating and was 150 pounds. Look at the ticker. While I know I'm doing GREAT, these people didn't see me at 274. They last saw me at 150. So while I'm living in the world of having lost 66 pounds, they'll look at me and see that I've gained 55. *sigh* I know a lot of people say that most won't be judgmental, but it doesn't matter much to me. It still stresses me out.

And then there's the fact that I'll get to have that horribly awkward interaction with my HS sweetheart. The way that relationship ended sucked and I still really regret everything that happened with him and miss him. No, not in the way that I would want to be with him again...but sometimes I think that if I hadn't cheated we would've ended up going to this reunion together. We were good together. Most people would tell me that I would've have cheated if there wasn't something wrong. That may be true, but even now, 9 years later, I can't come up with a real reason why I cheated besides the fact that he was far away. He was at a different university, minding his own business, doing his thing, staying faithful...and I wasn't. It was probably b/c of my low self-esteem, not that that's a real excuse. The thing we didn't have in common was my involvement in music--he was an athlete...and I cheated with someone who shared in my musicianship. So maybe that was it? I don't know...but I've kept up on him through Facebook and MySpace. He seems happy and I'm truly happy for him. I'm happy in my life, he's happy in his. So why should I see him again? Why even put myself (and my DH) through that stress? I'm still bouncing that thought around--do I really want to go to this? Why spend the $50 to go and be slightly miserable? My friends H and L will be there, but H has other friends she'll hang out with. Which will leave me and L. It'll be weird. And awkward. And unnecessarily stressful. So why am I doing this?

Two years ago today

we were married! Today is our 2nd anniversary and it actually hasn't been horrible. Yes, we're both sick, but because of being sick, we've spent the day together! No great plans, which is fine with me. We'll plan on going out to dinner somewhere nice to celebrate once we're feeling better, but for now we're sitting around playing Wii games and having Bob Evans for dinner (and Subway for lunch). lol

The past two years have been great and I can only imagine what the future will bring for us!

On a MAB note, I think I'm going to get a peak on the CBEFM tomorrow morning, so we'll definitely be trying tonight. Wouldn't it be neat to know we conceived on our anniversary? Of course, then there's the realization that our child would have about 13 years down the road...wait...9 months before my birthday is...my parents' anniversary?!??!! lol Oh well, s/he'll survive!!!

Who is this couple?

DH and I do NOT spend money on a whim. We're typically very conservative about it. Well, yesterday we went to Best Buy to pick up MarioKart for Wii (a planned purchase...I just happened to find it available) and ended up spending an extra $170 on Rock Band for Wii! We were told we could return it within 30 days and figured if we left it there, we'd never find it if we wanted it. So we now have lots of new Wii games within just a few days... We also got Wii Fit on Saturday! Oh well--we have the money...just wasn't particularly budgeted. We looked at each other and said "happy anniversary". It's the cotton anniversary...I can't come up with a way to make this fit the tradition, but oh well--I think I'd rather buy something for us that we'd both enjoy than try to buy something for each other. As a side note....we are LOVING all of our new games! They've been great to keep us occupied while we've been home sick.

Sick and sore

And no, neither of these is a result of MAB!

DH has had a cold since last Sunday and I started coming down with it on Friday--as of today, it's officially here. I feel pretty crappy, but actually better right now than yesterday when everything was just running down my throat. I'm still headed home from work once this training is over to get some rest.

And the soreness is because of the moving on Saturday. We helped friends move from their THIRD story apartment into their new house and my legs currently hurt worse than I think they ever have! Ugh. I'm pathetic-looking...can't even go up and down curbs without wincing.

Both of these may hinder the efforts to MAB, but we're still going to give it the old college try. ;)

Illness

I'm a person who HATES to be sick. Hate it. Maybe because I've had allergies all my life (so it seems...guess it's only been 22 or so years of my life....), but I hate blowing my nose, coughing, snotting, etc. So when DH said his throat was getting scratchy on Saturday, I tried to do what I could to make sure we didn't get sick. We didn't sleep quite as much as we should have, but I thought we did a fairly good job. Well, I guess not because he got sick. He's been home sick this whole week so far. Yesterday one of his eyes got really red and got me really concerned, so I sent him to the doctor today. He was diagnosed with viral pink eye that could turn bacterial, so they prescribed him an antibiotic that he can take if his eye starts to produce pus. So, knowing how contagious pink eye is, I'm planning on washing down every single thing in our house--twice! Ugh. His eye looks better today, so I'm hoping it's clearing itself up and doesn't start to pus. If it does.....ugh....bad news.

Have I mentioned that we're helping friends move this weekend? Yeah, bad time to be sick. So I'm REALLY hoping not to get sick (of any kind--DH has a cold AND pink eye!) before then. I'll be chugging the Airborne and getting tons of sleep just in case!!!!

Oh, and I forgot to mention what a kink this throws in our MAB plans. I got a High reading on the CPEFM this morning, which means I could O anytime in the next few days (which I doubt...it'll probably be more like 7 or 8 days!)...which means we need to get to BDing! Right, with him coughing in my face??!??!!

Exercise

Whenever I exercise, I go full throttle. I have a hard time not doing at least 45 minutes of cardio plus about an hour of lifting and I would go 5 days a week. But every time I jump into that, my weight loss stalls. So I'm trying to start slow. Last Wednesday night I told my WW leader that I was setting a goal to take a 1/2 hour walk every night that week. I walked Wednesday through Friday evenings, then didn't walk on Saturday (but we did work on the deck). Then I took a 1/2 hour bike ride with my mom on Sunday (which DH is letting me count as a walk). I went out last night and took a 30 minute walk by myself and will probably do the same tonight. That will make 6 of 7! Woohoo! To help inspire me, DH has given me a coupon booklet for a free massage if I take walks 6 of 7 nights Sunday through Saturday, too. So hopefully this will be the start of some motivation to get active (but not too active)! As long as I don't see a gain this Wednesday, I'll keep going, too. :D