A letter to my little boy on his first birthday

My big man,

I'm sitting here watching you sleep on the video monitor, contemplating everything that has happened in the last year.  I'm not sure if I can adequately express how much happiness you've brought me in the last year.

I'll admit now that I was scared of having a little boy.  After over two years of experience with a little girl, I didn't know if I could handle having a little boy--what was I going to do with a BOY??!!  I'm here to tell you that it's been a fantastic year.  You ARE all boy and get into trouble far more than your sister ever did, but you are also very independent and incredibly happy.  You give a smile to everyone you meet, even when you're nuzzling into Mommy and being shy.

Besides being fearful of you being a boy, I was also fearful that you would sleep as poorly as your sister did. Honey, you fulfilled that fear and then some!  No matter what we've done, up until a week ago, you were still waking at least 3 times per night.  We went through months and months where you were waking 6-8 times per night.  To tell you the truth, your daddy and I have been like zombies for the past year.  Then suddenly about a week ago, you started waking only once or twice per night.  It was wonderful.  You've been waking a bit more the last few nights, but I think that can be attributed to late bedtimes, less napping, and being completely off your schedule because of celebrations and things.  We'll get back into a routine tomorrow and hopefully you'll start sleeping better then.  And you know what?  Even if you don't, I'll still love you like crazy.

I wish I had the words necessary to explain to you how much joy you've brought me over the last twelve months.  I've written and re-written these sentences many times and words just aren't enough.  I really think the best way to explain it is to know that I LOVE sleep and still every time I saw you in the middle of the night, I smiled.  Even though it was causing me a lot of back and hip pain, my favorite place for you to be each night is beside me, nestled with my arm on the top of your head.  You don't sleep in our bed all the time, but those nights that I accidentally fall asleep nursing you and then wake up to your beautiful face are times that I'll cherish always.

I thank God every single night that He chose me to be your mommy.  I apologize for the anxiety that I felt over becoming a mommy again and tell Him thank you for giving me what I really needed--you.

I love you, son.  Happy birthday, my sweet, sweet boy.

Love,
Mommy