Who is this person?

I've always wanted to be a runner. If you know me, you know that that isn't me, though. In college I did some athletic activities, but always struggled with running. I've never been particularly in shape and am usually shopping in the plus size section of a store, no matter whether I'm on the lighter or heavier side. Heck, I blogged about my weight loss previously and I was still a 12/14 at my lowest weight.

So yeah...not built like a runner. It doesn't come naturally in the least. 

Back during my major weight loss journey I tried adding in some running to aid in the weight loss. I made it through about three weeks of the Couch to 5K program before I realized that the exercise was actually impeding my weight loss. Then I avoided anything that would cause me to burn too many calories the whole time I was nursing Baby Girl. After she weaned, Hubby and I started up on Couch to 5K again. We made it to the point where we were running 20 minutes at a time, which was huge for me.

And then I got pregnant with Baby Boy and it all stopped.

Yes, I realize that you can still run when pregnant. I've known many women who were runners and kept running through their pregnancy. But I didn't. For one, I wasn't already a runner. For another, I like to relish in the fatness of pregnancy. (Please save your criticisms and judgment--it is what it is for me)

After Baby Boy was born, I tried to run again. Hubby and I have a few sporadic attempts at running, but the kids, laziness, time, and weather have all gotten in the way. We'd love to be able to run together but that isn't really realistic with two children who don't inhabit small spaces well together. 

Today I had spent 45 minutes doing Baby Boy's nap time, which was an anomaly, so I was exhausted. It was almost 50 outside, though windy and mostly overcast. Instead of using nap time as an opportunity to zone out in front of the TV, I decided to go running. 

What?!?

Yes, you read it right. I chose running over laziness. And no, I have no fever. So I equipped myself with Hubby's smart phone (I still have a non-Internet, paying for texts phone), an 80s Cardio station on Pandora, and headed out, planning to jump into week 3 of the Couch to 5K plan. I walked the 5 minute warm-up, then jogged the 90 seconds. After walking the recovery 90 seconds, I started to jog again. But instead of watching the clock for the end of the three minutes, I just jogged. By the time I looked at the clock, I was at 2:50 and was feeling good, so I kept going. I ended up jogging for five minutes. I did only two minutes of recovery, jogged two minutes, another two minutes of recovery, then set out to jog the length of a street in our neighborhood. I got to the end of the street in four minutes, but decide to turn the corner and jog to the end of my street, one street over. I got there at 4:51, turned up my own street, and finished out to 5 minutes. I shocked myself by how well I did and feel very proud. I'm sure it doesn't sound like much to most, but for me it's pretty huge.

Maybe I can actually meet my goal of running the Buckeye four-miler in November. I've wanted to run the Race for the Cure for awhile in May but don't know if I'll get to train enough for it, but I still might register and plan to walk it.

Running is hard for me and so is getting motivated to get off my butt and do something active. But you know what? It felt good and I'm looking forward to feeling like this again.

I'd expected this day, but not necessarily so soon

To say things at work have been stressful would be an understatement. In fact, things are downright ugly. I come home every night wound-up, frustrated, and irritable. Add on top of that the fact that neither kid has been sleeping through the night and Baby Boy was up 4 times last night and you've got one mess of a mommy.

At pick-up at the sitter today, Baby Girl was being overly silly. She wouldn't sit still to put her shoes on and wasn't listening. We were already running late and just wanted to get home. I was wrangling the little one while Hubby was trying to get her out the door and the sitter was talking to me about her plans for the summer at her new house. As we walked out to the car, Hubby had a very stern talk with Baby Girl, telling her that she wasn't being a good listener and that she'd do time out if she ever behaved that way again. We got in the car and Baby Girl says, "I wish you guys didn't have that job." "What job?" we ask. We initially think she means our paying jobs, that she resents that we have to work at all and we're prepared to launch into the speech about how important money is. But then she says that she wishes we didn't have the job of being her mommy and daddy. After some clarifying conversation, she admits that she wishes we weren't her mommy and daddy. 

I told her that she hurt our feelings very badly, then turned on some music so we could consider our response. I told her about all of the nice things we do for her that many parents wouldn't do. We make up stories from scratch every night. We snuggle in her bed every night. We cook her yummy, healthy food. We comfort her when she's scared in the middle of the night. We let her crawl into our bed when she's scared. We coddle her for hours when she crying before bedtime, claiming that she's afraid someone will break into our house.

Eventually we're all silent, save the 20 month old asking for his water or some pretzels, oblivious to the conversation happening around him, and the sound of my sniffles. I later told her that we could start showing her how mean we could be and listed what we'd stop doing, which elicited many tears from her.

The remainder of the thirty minute car ride was spent mostly in silence, again, save the little man. She eventually says that she was sorry and that she didn't mean it and we make up, but I think Hubby and I are both still feeling pretty awful. She was so hurtful with her words and I know it's only going to get worse. 

It's a New Year

I fully recognize that everyone and their brother is making New Year's resolutions and trying to make big changes with the arrival of 2014.  I suppose I'm going to try to jump on that bandwagon.

I've found myself crafting blog posts in my head again, which tells me that it's likely time to get back into blogging.  I also have found that there are things about life right now, good and bad, that I want to document and remember down the road.  Things like the fact that Baby Girl says "vacation" like "vi-cation".  Or that Baby Boy slurps when he wants his drink and walks (or runs) up to you with his mouth wide open saying "ahhhhh" if he wants to eat whatever you've got.  And the fact that Baby Girl is struggling mightily with her bedtimes--she's crying for hours on end, shaking, worried that someone is going to break into her room.  And of course I want to write about how *I* am feeling these days, which, to be honest, is not that good.

I might change the format of this blog.  Hell, I might even start a whole new blog--I'm not entirely sure yet.  What I do know, however, is that I feel a need to speak, to get my thoughts out, and my blog is a good outlet for that.  So I'm back in some format and will keep any of you who are still reading posted.