Not Preventing

I wish I could have this mindset when TTC.  I wish I weren't so aware of my body that I always know where I am in my cycle, whether I'm charting or not.  I wish I could just "play it by ear" and "let nature take its course".  I wish I could try without trying.

But I can't.

We've talked a lot about TTC in the next few months.  I still don't know if I'm ready, but I also don't know if I'll ever be ready, really.  I want to lose more weight.  I want to save more money.  I want to be making more money so we can afford daycare better.  I want to move to a better school district.  I want to own my body for a little while longer.  But I don't think I want our kids much more than 3 years apart, if I can help it.  And who knows how long it's going to take to get pregnant.

In other words, I still don't know what to do.  Why can't I love sex and just go at it with my husband without protection and get pregnant whenever it happens?  Why do I have to plan sex and still know whether it's likely within my ovulation window?  Why do I have to overanalyze every little piece of this?

The Test

I've been experiencing some symptoms recently. I had written it off to feeling weird after being sick, but when they went away and came back, I started considering it could be something else.  I have been nauseous, had headaches, been dizzy, and been utterly exhausted.  After describing them to The Hubby, I realized that those symptoms sounded a little...familiar.

Trust me when I say that me being pregnant is EXTREMELY unlikely.  Between preventative measures and not much...action, there is a VERY low chance of pregnancy in this house.  But I bought a test last night anyway.  I stressed about whether to get the two-pack or just one and got the two-pack so I'd have them for when we actually start trying (note to self--go ahead and invest in the internet cheapies or at least some of the Dollar Store tests!).

I tried to take it after getting home from the grocery and even after a large mug of water and sitting around for three hours, I didn't have enough pee to run the test.  So I stuck the test in my pocket and planned to try the next morning, not knowing if a test would work again (no control line or anything).  I don't know why I felt so secretive, but I didn't mention it to The Hubby.

In the morning I peed.  I sat.  I stared.  I wasn't even sure how I was feeling.  Part of me was hopeful that it would be positive.  I kept looking at it over and over again, sort of hoping to see that second line.  But I didn't.  I wasn't exactly sad, but I wasn't exactly relieved either. 

I think I could be okay with getting pregnant, but still don't think I'm ready to start trying again.  I'm not ready to give up my indepedence and controlling my own body.  I'm not ready to get on that TTC roller coaster yet, either.  I think the part of me that would have been happy to be pregnant was the part that doesn't want to go through the testing, the thinking, the actual trying of it all.  It wouldn't be all bad to have a happy surprise.

1/30

Well, here I am, starting a new blog. I love to write out my thoughts because, quite honestly, I think too much and no one wants to listen to it all! So here it is. I'm not sure what all this blog will contain, but I do know that it will all have at least a little to do with ours plans to have a baby. It seems to be the only thing on my mind recently, so everything I do and think have something to do with those plans.

I started another blog sometime last year: http://buckeyechik.livejournal.com/ I'm discontinuing it and starting this one. Hopefully I'll be better about writing here. :)

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1/31

I just wanted to talk about the things I've already started doing to prepare my body for getting pregnant.

~ I haven't had any caffeine besides a sip here and there of pop or a Hershey's Kiss for almost 2 weeks. My PCP is adamant about the negative effects of caffeine on a baby, so I plan to not drink caffeine again until at least the 2nd trimester, if I'm really jonesing for a Coke Zero. I have some Caffeine-Free Diet Coke stocked up--why the hell can't Coke Zero come out with a Caffeine-Free version?

~ I started taking prenatal vitamins about 2 weeks ago. The first week, I had NO problems with them, but after buying a bottle and taking them, I've started feeling nauseous. I felt bad after dinner Tuesday night and then again after dinner last night. I didn't take one last night. We'll see if I continue feeling nauseous. If so, it's not the vitamins and I'll start taking them again. If I do, I'll get rid of these vitamins and try a different brand or maybe some Flintstones.

~ We've been to the gym 3-5 days a week for the past month now. I feel very happy about it and am glad to be getting into better shape. I know how much of a toll carrying a baby may have on my body, so I want it to be prepared. I also would like to lose a bit more weight before getting pregnant. My goal was to be under 200 pounds before getting pregnant, but I'm losing VERY slowly, if at all, so I just might not make it.

~ Lastly, I scheduled an appointment with a prospective OB/GYN. She's in the same clinic as my co-workers' OB. I just want to chat with her about the medicines I'm currently on (3 different ones for allergies) and whether those will be safe to continue taking once I'm pregnant. That appointment is February 17th, so we'll see what Dr. Rohl has to say to me. I'm also curious what she'll say about weight gain. I'm actually pretty healthy for 225 pounds, but I know I'd be healthier if I were lighter. Also want to know about exercise once I'm pregnant. I don't think I'll be able to continue the intensity, know that some exercise is always good, but I don't want to cause myself to miscarry or do anything that might harm a potential baby.

All that said, we're still looking at waiting until late April to start trying. If my cycles revert back to 28 day cycles like they used to be then I think our first cycle trying would start April 13th. If we conceived then, the baby would be due sometime in the middle of January. If we conceived the next cycle, the baby would be due middle of February. We just don't want to start trying, actually get pregnant the first cycle, and have the baby due around the holidays. Even with conceiving during the 4/13 cycle, baby would be due 1/18/09, theoretically. That's a little close to the holidays for my comfort, but I'm okay with it. I'm just ready to start trying :)

Of course, I know everything everyone says--we may not conceive right away, we could miscarry...I'm well aware of all the risks and things. Too aware. I'm a worrywart and read too damn much sometimes. Thus the preparations beginning in January for possibly starting to TTC in April.