Saturday, June 11, 2011

The Test

I've been experiencing some symptoms recently. I had written it off to feeling weird after being sick, but when they went away and came back, I started considering it could be something else.  I have been nauseous, had headaches, been dizzy, and been utterly exhausted.  After describing them to The Hubby, I realized that those symptoms sounded a little...familiar.

Trust me when I say that me being pregnant is EXTREMELY unlikely.  Between preventative measures and not much...action, there is a VERY low chance of pregnancy in this house.  But I bought a test last night anyway.  I stressed about whether to get the two-pack or just one and got the two-pack so I'd have them for when we actually start trying (note to self--go ahead and invest in the internet cheapies or at least some of the Dollar Store tests!).

I tried to take it after getting home from the grocery and even after a large mug of water and sitting around for three hours, I didn't have enough pee to run the test.  So I stuck the test in my pocket and planned to try the next morning, not knowing if a test would work again (no control line or anything).  I don't know why I felt so secretive, but I didn't mention it to The Hubby.

In the morning I peed.  I sat.  I stared.  I wasn't even sure how I was feeling.  Part of me was hopeful that it would be positive.  I kept looking at it over and over again, sort of hoping to see that second line.  But I didn't.  I wasn't exactly sad, but I wasn't exactly relieved either. 

I think I could be okay with getting pregnant, but still don't think I'm ready to start trying again.  I'm not ready to give up my indepedence and controlling my own body.  I'm not ready to get on that TTC roller coaster yet, either.  I think the part of me that would have been happy to be pregnant was the part that doesn't want to go through the testing, the thinking, the actual trying of it all.  It wouldn't be all bad to have a happy surprise.


Cassie said...

I had a similar experience recently (I'll get around to writing about it one of these days; no, I'm not pregnant) so I understand very well how conflicting it all is. Here's hoping that when you ARE ready, that happy surprise is just waiting for you (like Will was for us). :)

brandis of HEARTdot™ said...

i had one of those too, but a few months ago. i felt relieved but i felt so sad too. its just one of those things that knowing a baby can bring you so much joy, but at the same time so much commitment & hard work - it's bittersweet. cheers to a happy surprise...when you're really ready ;) xx