Cautiously posting again

So I said something in one of my posts that was pretty hateful and didn't think twice about posting it. I really shouldn't have posted while I was upset and I apologize to the person I hurt! The post has been removed. So, from now on, I'm going to be a bit more careful about what I'm posting (and, really, thinking and feeling).

I did want to post today, though, to talk about my WW meeting last night. I go with my SIL who, last week, lost 1.4 pounds (if you remember, the same amount I gained). Well, this past weekend was her brother's wedding and apparently she didn't count a single point all week long. So she gained. 1.4 pounds. And guess how much I lost. 1.4 pounds. Ummm...are those scales rigged????? What are the odds? Anyway, we both are committing to BOTH of us losing next week. So I'll be working to make that happen. It'll be my last meeting before our NYC trip. I know we'll be walking all day while we're there, but I also know we'll be eating some decadent foods! So we'll see what happens after that!

Goodbye Blog

I apparently need a more private place to post my thoughts and feelings, where no one will get hurt if they read them, so I will no longer be posting to this blog.

My new theme song

It's been a rough day around here. I had a meeting across campus and was walking back--a group here has an event going on called "Best Day of Your Life". It's actually feeling more like the worst day of my life. But all I could think about is that if I were a student again, I just wouldn't have anything real to worry about. Thus the song.

I wish I could go back to college.
Life was so simple back then.
What would I give to go back and live in a dorm with a meal plan again!
I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad, and think, "Oh my God!I am totally gonna go far!"
How do I go back to college?
I don't know who I am anymore!
I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry-erase pen on the door!
Ohhh...I wish I could just drop a class...
Or get into a play...
Or change my major...
Or f*** my T.A.
I need an academic advisor to point the way!
We could be...
Sitting in the computer lab,4 A.M. before the final paper is due,
Cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,
And seeing the rest of the class there, too!
I wish I could go back to college!
How do I go back to college?!AHHHH...
I wish I had taken more pictures.
But if I were to go back to college,
Think what a loser I'd be-
I'd walk through the quad,
And think "Oh my God..."
"These kids are so much younger than me."

XXXXXXXXX

Post deleted

Athlete in a fat girl's body

I've come to the realization that this is what I am. And athlete in a fat girl's body.

I'm enormously more capable at athletic endeavors than at least 90% of women my size. Hell, I was probably about 235 when I was marching and playing all over the field. I can confidently say that I was an in-shape 235 pounder. I can't remember a time when I couldn't do a full aerobics class. Even at 274 I was fairly athletic. Yes, I got tired more often than I otherwise would.

I know people look at me and think there's no way I can run, do aerobics, lift weights, etc....but that's not true. I have more muscle in my legs than my DH could ever hope to have :)

I don't know the point of this....just needed to get it off my chest.

And remember....the scale doesn't lie

(yes, that's a quote from Celebrity Fit Club)

So I gained last night. And I freaked out. I'm withdrawing and I'm emotional and it pisses me off.

I know I'm overreacting, that it happens to lots of people...it's just that weight loss has been so frustrating to me for so freaking long and this just feels like one more setback and I'm tempted to just scrap the whole damn thing. I'm sure I'm overly emotional about it because AF showed today and I always get stupidly emotional around this time of the month, but it's really not entirely it. If it were someone else, I would tell them the same things the ladies told me, but when I try to listen and take those comments in, it just doesn't work. It's just a lifelong struggle for me and my thoughts have always been that I'm big enough that, once I figure out the correct path, the weight *should* just fall off of me. But it doesn't and it never will. I've cursed myself by being athletic and anorexic and everything. And I hate that I'm going to be paying for it forever.

So, basically, I'm still really, really down in the dumps today. I cried and cried last night and DH knew there was nothing he could say or do about it, so he just left me alone. *sigh* And I'm sitting here now stifling the tears as well.

I'm giving WW combined with the running another week to work. If I don't lose more than a pound next week (not asking for anything big!), I'm going to have to change something--either stop working out, since that seems to cause me problems every damn time, or change my eating plan again.

Guess I was mistaken

Um yeah....so much for that. Still no AF. Guess tomorrow will probably be CD 1.

This is it....(maybe)

Well, I think today is going to be CD 1. Temp dropped 0.8º from yesterday to today and I'm feeling crampy. Of course, that makes this cycle only 27 days....how weird.

So now DH and I have been having a discussion about if we're ready to do this. I've just gotten involved with some friends in trying to lose weight and get healthier. I've made great progress (just check out the ticker on the right!) and things are moving along and I have some great support now! DH wanted to know if I wanted to keep going with the weight loss and put off the TTC. I know I'll just have to lose weight after baby comes anyway, so is there a point to taking time off to keep losing before TTC? I'm not feeling like there really is. I think I'll keep trying to lose weight until we conceive, then focus on making baby healthy. If it takes awhile to conceive (which I assume it will), then all the better for my weight loss! And if not, well, then I'll be pregnant :)

So I guess that means this is really it. This is the cycle. We're going to try to have a baby. Now. Holy shit.

Well, okay, now isn't exactly the right word, I suppose. I mean, we won't even start "trying" for another 10-12 days or so...and then will keep on trying for quite a few days after that, as my chart this month said I ovulated between CD 8 and CD 19. I told DH that and he goes "that's a lot of sex!" Yes, dear, it is.

Still not using OPKs this month. I debated about it, but I'm just going to keep temping and try to estimate--I do want this to be fun, after all. If I can just relax and make it fun....

Of course, I've Oed betweeen CD 17 and CD 23 over the previous 3 months...which would put us trying May 2nd through May 8th. Yeah, guess when we'll be in NYC with my parents....May 3rd through May 7th. lol! At least we have our own room....could bring back a souvenir! lol

Okay, need to stop thinking about this for now or I'm going to have a panic attack.

In case you missed it....

I updated my weight loss ticker! Last night I was down 4.8 pounds from just a week ago!!!! With my niece's first birthday party in there, I didn't think there was any chance that I'd lost. I couldn't be happier!!!

With this weight loss as well as the formation of a Nestie Biggest Loser and weight loss support board, I'm starting to think that we might wait to TTC. Or at least just not be horribly anal the first few months. I wouldn't mind getting below 200 before getting pg--it was my original goal, but I didn't think it was attainable. Now that I've got just over 16 pounds to go, I'm starting to think I might be able to do it!

Still waiting to O. My cycles have been so weird since I went off the pill. My cycles have been pretty unpredictable and here I am at CD 22, still no O detected. My temps are still in the mid to low 98s, which is kind of low for me post-O. O well (hehehe)--we'll figure it out at some point. As long as my luteal phase seems long enough, I won't worry too much. I do need to schedule my annual exam soon, though...so I'll discuss these concerns with her if they continue. I should be happy, though--a lot of people don't even have as regular of cycles as I'm experiencing--between 29 and 33 days!