Friday, January 22, 2010

Answer Another Question: Regrets

This question came from both Brooke and OSUFish123, essentially. They wanted to know what my biggest regret is (if I have any).

I'd LOVE to be one of those people who says, "I live in the present and have no regrets about my past." I do try to look at my regrets in the mindset that if they hadn't happened, I wouldn't be where I am, but it doesn't make me not regret them either way.

In my youth, I was a cheater. I admit it, I sucked as a girlfriend.

In April 1996, I started dating D. I guess I should start out saying that D first dated my best girlfriend at the time, L. He realized that L. wasn't right for him and, Guess What!, I was. So we chatted a lot and once she started dating another friend of ours, we had the green light to start dating. D. and I were really pretty perfect for each other. We had different interests (I was a musician and he was an athlete), but always supported each other in our endeavors. We always had a great time together and I am pretty sure I was in love. I still think about him sometimes and think I could have married him if things had turned out differently.

But I digress. My BFF, J., was a guy. At 14, I wasn't mature enough to have a BFF that was a guy, but what 14 year old admits that to herself??? He was in music with me, so I was with him quite a bit during the school day. He was fun and made me feel good about myself. He also, somewhere in there, dated my friend L. He also cheated on L. with me while she was on vacation. *sigh* And that was when it started. We started out as harmless...but it wasn't, really. It was harming D. and he didn't even know it. I convinced myself at some point that I was falling in love with J...but couldn't give D. up because I think I knew D. was better for me and would stay with me. D. found out about J. and, bless his heart, forgave me.

We were together through high school graduation, when we both went to different colleges. We emailed, called, and saw each other fairly regularly, but I ended up becoming friends with a different J...and you know what happened next. I cheated. And D. came for a semi-formal Spring Quarter and found out. It was over and I was devastated.

Like I said, I still think about D. I miss him. I saw him at our 10 year reunion and he was the same guy. He's married now and I hope he's happy. I would love to be able to be friends, but I just don't think it's possible on my end.

It's hard to label yourself as a cheater after cheating on one guy, even if it's with two different people. So enter T. I started dating T. a few months after D. and I broke up. He was an older man and I'd had a bit of a crush on him (he was in an organization I was a part of in college). We talked and became friends and then started dating in June 1999. Everything was great between us. He left for grad school August 2000 and thus started another long distance relationship.

And you know what happens next. I found another guy who was there, at my college with me. That's all he the same location. So I cheated. Multiple times. And it was like I had two boyfriends. I broke it off with T. August 2001 (while I was living with his sister, no less). I missed him for a long time, too.

Oh, and if you're wondering, no, DH wasn't the guy I cheated on T. with. That guy turned into a total jerk. Goes to show you how much that was worth. But I've moved on, especially from the T. relationship. I realize now that it was all for the best in that situation--he married his best friend at grad school and they've got an adorable little boy.

I've never once cheated on DH. And I think that's how I knew he's the one; I never wanted to. I also know it's because of me--I'm a different person with him than I was with D. or T. I'm more confident--in myself and in his love for me.

I wonder at times what my life would have turned out to be like if I'd stayed with D. or T. If I'd stayed with D., I'd probably have been a better student and actually used my degree when I graduated. But I think everything that's happened has led me to where I am...and I'm pretty happy with where I am today. I wouldn't have the daughter that I have and I wouldn't be with DH--and those two things alone aren't possibilities I want to consider.


Colleen said...

I think your past made you a better wife! :) See... things do happen for a reason!

Amy said...

I completely agree that you wouldn't be where you are today without those things happening. That's how I look at past relationships too.