Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Heavy--Losing Friends

I know I need to blog today, but I'm really struggling.  I have some heavy shit stuff weighing on my heart, but I don't think my blog readers really want to read all about it. 

But I need to get some of it out, so I'm going to ramble a bit.  Read or don't...that's okay.  I'll try to find something light-hearted to post about tomorrow.

I feel like I've let a lot of people down.  I feel stretched really thin, but don't know how to cut back since I really do have very few different things on my plate.  I've been invited to parties and get-togethers and I find that I want (feel like I need?) to spend time at home.  I feel like I'm losing friends because I'm not making an effort, but when I make an effort for friends, I feel like I'm letting someone down, even if that someone is just me and my expectations of what a mommy/wife should be.  The line between "I want to spend time with my husband and baby" and "I *should* spend time with my husband and baby" has blurred drastically and I can't tell the difference anymore.

Added to this is the fact that I just don't *feel* like making the effort to drive across town, miss out on sleep, lose time that I could FINALLY be getting our life in order at home.  Am I going to have so much fun that I won't regret that missed time?  But at the same time, I regret the friendships I feel are slipping away.

The Hubby doesn't have many friends and those that he does are couple friends, so we spend time with them as a family.  I have friends that he isn't friends with, so it's "me" time when I go out.  It would be much more simple if my only friends were those couple friends.  I wouldn't have any reason to go anywhere without him and Baby Girl. 

I realize that many will say it's good for me to have interests outside The Hubby and Baby Girl, but that concept is fairly foreign for me.  The Hubby and I have been together for almost 9 years now and since day one he's been my best friend and we've spent almost every moment possible together.  In the time that we've been dating, I can't think of more than 10 nights we've spent apart when we were both in the same city.  I just love spending time with him. 

That's not to say I don't love spending time with my friends.  I do.  And for many of the gatherings, I come home feeling refreshed and happy I went out.  But it's all the effort, working out the logistics (especially with Baby Girl, nursing, etc.), the driving, etc. that makes it such a daunting task. 

So I prioritize my book club, which means I go once every 3 months or so.  I get to see multiple friends in one place and typically really enjoy myself (although I must admit that I probably talk too much because, well, I don't get out much...).  But these jewelry parties, Tastefully Simple parties, etc. etc. etc....they just don't happen.  And that makes me sad because before Baby Girl, I would've made more of an effort...when it didn't require such effort. 

This rant brings me nowhere closer to what I need to do.  Should I make the effort?  Of course.  But I'm so damned tired.  Stressed.  Worn out from leaving the house at 7:10, getting home at 5:40, rushing around cooking dinner (with a whiny, clingy child), eating dinner, nursing the kid, putting her to bed.  It's a tiring existence. 


Manday said...

I think your quite mistaken about what people want to read blog posts about.

Anyways, sorry to hear you are having a hard time with this. I think its probably natural to lose some friends when you have such a big life style change. People grow apart from those they don't have things in common with and grow into friends with people they do have things in common with. And what you can potentially have in common right now revolves around family. I am sorry it can be painful at times, and I hope you reach an equilibrium about it.

Cassie said...

I know exactly what you mean. I find that my problem is actually getting myself out the door to do things with other people -- but once I do, I'm always glad I made the effort. Do I ever feel guilty for not being home with Joe and the boys? Sometimes, yes. But I guess I just tell myself that I know I'm a better wife/mother when I'm able to do some things for myself once in a while.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope you can find some balance -- whatever that means for you.

Brandis said...

Sorry you're going through this. You're not alone. I keep finding more and more people who i thought were friends, delete me from their facebook pages. and I really do believe it's because i don't have the time or energy to visit their pages every day and send them messages. :/ But what i realized is that you have to do whats best for YOU. A lot of mommies struggle with this issue and a lot of friendships end up lost. i only have a couple good girlfriends, located all over the world and we text, email and never FB. LOL. And thats so comforting to me...

Sarah Dee said...

DH would love to go our with your DH if that helps.

But, really. I felt so bad going out to a book club last night. I cried when A. wasn't home when I got home from work tonight. You're not alone. But, I don't know what to do about.

And, what makes a blog powerful is what is raw and real. I miss being raw and totally open on my blog. Especially the days when no one knew of it and I could write ANYTHING. Hurray for you for having the courage to write something that isn't pretty and full of roses.