But I need to get some of it out, so I'm going to ramble a bit. Read or don't...that's okay. I'll try to find something light-hearted to post about tomorrow.
I feel like I've let a lot of people down. I feel stretched really thin, but don't know how to cut back since I really do have very few different things on my plate. I've been invited to parties and get-togethers and I find that I want (feel like I need?) to spend time at home. I feel like I'm losing friends because I'm not making an effort, but when I make an effort for friends, I feel like I'm letting someone down, even if that someone is just me and my expectations of what a mommy/wife should be. The line between "I want to spend time with my husband and baby" and "I *should* spend time with my husband and baby" has blurred drastically and I can't tell the difference anymore.
Added to this is the fact that I just don't *feel* like making the effort to drive across town, miss out on sleep, lose time that I could FINALLY be getting our life in order at home. Am I going to have so much fun that I won't regret that missed time? But at the same time, I regret the friendships I feel are slipping away.
The Hubby doesn't have many friends and those that he does are couple friends, so we spend time with them as a family. I have friends that he isn't friends with, so it's "me" time when I go out. It would be much more simple if my only friends were those couple friends. I wouldn't have any reason to go anywhere without him and Baby Girl.
I realize that many will say it's good for me to have interests outside The Hubby and Baby Girl, but that concept is fairly foreign for me. The Hubby and I have been together for almost 9 years now and since day one he's been my best friend and we've spent almost every moment possible together. In the time that we've been dating, I can't think of more than 10 nights we've spent apart when we were both in the same city. I just love spending time with him.
That's not to say I don't love spending time with my friends. I do. And for many of the gatherings, I come home feeling refreshed and happy I went out. But it's all the effort, working out the logistics (especially with Baby Girl, nursing, etc.), the driving, etc. that makes it such a daunting task.
So I prioritize my book club, which means I go once every 3 months or so. I get to see multiple friends in one place and typically really enjoy myself (although I must admit that I probably talk too much because, well, I don't get out much...). But these jewelry parties, Tastefully Simple parties, etc. etc. etc....they just don't happen. And that makes me sad because before Baby Girl, I would've made more of an effort...when it didn't require such effort.
This rant brings me nowhere closer to what I need to do. Should I make the effort? Of course. But I'm so damned tired. Stressed. Worn out from leaving the house at 7:10, getting home at 5:40, rushing around cooking dinner (with a whiny, clingy child), eating dinner, nursing the kid, putting her to bed. It's a tiring existence.