It hurt to laugh

Yup, you read it right. I was just walking back from the bathroom (where, of course, my TP was tinted brown...) and was talking and joking with a co-worker as I passed her. And as soon as she passed, tears welled up in my eyes and it took everything inside me not to cry right then and there. My heart just hurts so badly...first bad news from my friend Kristen, then this.

Another failed cycle seems to be in our future. And I just don't know how to handle it. I try to just mourn it for a little while and then try to see the good in it, but I'm having a harder and harder time doing that the more it happens. I know 5 failed cycles doesn't seem like all that much to a lot of people, but that doesn't make it any easier. I still feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest.

And many of you will think "don't give up hope yet", but I'm having a really hard time with that, knowing my body and the fact that spotting at 9 dpo (tomorrow) means AF is on her way (in 4-5 days...ugh). And, really, what's the point in holding onto the hope? Why mourn later when I can just get it out of the way right now?

A friend asked me if my spotting so early was normal. I started reading online (I know, I know...) that spotting that early could be a sign of a luteal phase defect (LPD). I had no idea. So I'm thinking about getting some B6 for next cycle. But that just leads me back to my whole "letting go" thing. What does God really have in store for me? He's given me free will to do whatever I want...and he put whoever isolated this vitamin here on the earth...so should I take it? What if I keep just letting Him do whatever is His will and never ask a doctor or try any fixes? Will I be childless forever? At what point can I take it into my own hands and not be defying God? What a confusing, exhausting thought process.

I thought I was okay

..but now I'm not so sure. 8 dpo and I'm now back to overanalyzing every single thing. I guess I'm having a harder time letting go than I thought. Of course, I do realize that I can't control anything, but I'm listening to my body like crazy (and not of my own will), trying to decipher every pang and everything going on. I'm tired. I'm totally tired of doing this, but my being overly aware of my body isn't something I feel like I can control--I try not to think about it and I try to think about everything else...but it just isn't working today.

It doesn't help that some of the women on a local message board are posting about how they thought AF was on her way the cycle they got their BFP. It would just be easier for me to be let down when I see the spotting tomorrow than to keep believing it could happen. Good thing I'm not a huge drinker, because once the spotting starts I could go on a bender...lol!!! Right!

For those of you reading and thinking I'm being negative...I'm really not. I still have SO much hope in my heart that this could be the cycle, but I'm trying to be realistic and guard my heart so I don't feel so much pain when I realize that this isn't the cycle.

At 8 dpo I'm feeling some very sporadic pains in my lower right and lower left quadrants (one lasted for awhile right around where my leg and torso meet). No breast tenderness. Some heartburn last night and this morning. Right now I feel like I've got a lump in my tummy in the upper left quadrant, but I know that has nothing to do with it...still doesn't keep me from thinking about it. Oh, and I'm breaking out on my chin like I always do this time of the month.

So I say this prayer: God, please let this be the cycle. Yes, I realize that whatever happens is Your will and I will do my best to accept it and find the good in it. I know You will be there for me no matter what the outcome and I know there is a reason behind everything. But please let this be it. Amen.

New Layout!

How do you like the new layout? I thought it was cute. I normally read everyone's blogs on Google Reader, so I don't get to enjoy the layouts. I stole the source from another Nestie. It's from LeeLou Blogs. Let me know if you have any comments about it :)

6 dpo...and still overanalyzing

Have I ever said how much I hate the 2ww? 'Cause I do. Yup. HATE IT.

I'm 6 dpo today. Pretty much the absolute earliest that someone could have implantation. Yet for the last 24 hours I've been analyzing every twinge I feel.

I'm still trying very hard to just let go and let God take care of everything, but the control freak in me has a really hard time with that. So I think most of the time I'm doing a pretty good job, but any normal pang I feel, I start to think about what it could be.

I'm trying to come up with stuff DH and I could do in the evenings to help me take my mind off of it all...but I come up with nothing. Eating decisions just stress me out, so going out to eat wouldn't do it. Now that the Olympics is done, I suppose we could go back to playing Wii more often... :) Gotta find something, because as much as I want to "just relax" and let go, I can't help but wonder what's going on in there!

Well, I should know by sometime Thursday, which is 9 dpo and when my spotting normally starts. If the spotting doesn't start, then I'll probably test on Saturday morning, 11 dpo. Keep fingers crossed!!!!

Learning

I received the following comment on one of my recent posts:

I am glad to see your updates...b/c honestly you're blogging has taught me tons, so when it wasn't there, I was missin' it..

This made me feel so good--thanks, Amy! So, I thought I'd add a post welcoming ANY questions that anyone has about TTC or even just about me. I'm an open book and am very, very happy that this blog is serving a purpose other than just a place for me to vent!

I have spent a bit of time learning about TTC over the last year or so. I started out lurking on Babies on the Brain, a board on The Nest. After awhile, I felt like I had a good handle on things, so I started lurking elsewhere. I ended up finding the Trouble Trying to Conceive board and have learned a TON of things about fertility treatments there, which, in turn has taught me a lot of general TTC things. I ended up reading Taking Charge of Your Ferility, as well, to learn a lot about charting. Then I started charting back in December 2007 and have learned a lot about my own body and my body's tendencies from there.

I drove by myself to work today. This is significant because that means I wasn't chatting with DH on the drive and it gave me time to think. More specifically, it gave me time to pray. I haven't prayed regularly in a loooong time, but have been making a point to do it whenever I'm in the car alone. I prayed for all the people I know who are sick or hurting (emotionally and physically) and then took the time to thank God for my fortunes. All that then led me to start considering why I ended up lurking on the TTTC board and why I was drawn there. I decided that it could be one of four reasons. Either 1) God wanted to help me inform myself about TTC, 2) God wanted to prepare me for something to come in my future, 3) God wanted to make me a better friend to the people I know who are going through/have gone through fertility treatments or 4) God wanted to help me appreciate the fact that it's only been 4 failed cycles for us. Only time will tell which (if not all of these) will be true, but it really gave me something to think about (and pray about).

No O yet

DH and I worked damn hard yesterday...only to have no O yesterday. Which means that today should be the day. But dangit, we tried so hard yesterday! And I have gone off my daily decongestant, thinking that might help my CM. I'm miserable, but trying really hard! We'll try again once more tonight, then that's it--it's all in God's hands!

Off to a work retreat type thingy! Keep fingers crossed for us!!! :)

Quick cycle update

Trying *not* to focus on the cycle, but wanted to post an update for all those wondering (although I'll end up posting on the TTC update on the local board) about where I'm at.

Today is CD 13. The CBEFM started asking me for sticks on CD 7 and I've gotten a low CD 7 through CD 12. Since I Oed CD 15 most cycles, then CD 13 last cycle, I had thought I'd have gotten a High by now! POAS this morning and...Peak! Straight from Low to Peak (any insight on if this means anything special?)! Woot!

Well, you know what Peak means...gotta FWaP. lol I showed DH the monitor and he just started kissing on me...yeah, we were an hour late for work (and no, it doesn't last that long--it's more about the 45 minutes laying down!).

My temp dipped this morning, which typically happens the day before I O, so I'm guessing I'll O sometime this evening. Bring on the 2ww!

I'm trying my best to "just relax" (as much as I hate that advice--how awful) this cycle and let things happen however they will. That's one thing that does seem different to me--I'm not nearly as stressed headed into the 2ww. There's nothing I can do to change anything, so I'm trying not to worry. Actually, in general, I'm really trying not to let TTC take over my entire life. Which is partially why I haven't been blogging as much.

So that's where I am. We should know by the first football game of the season whether we're pg. Not that I'm counting. :)

Just a reminder

I've heard this song lots and lots of times before, but it hadn't really spoken to me until this past weekend. It's got a great funny twist, but it really does remind you that very little in life is permanent--eventually we'll move past this stage and be onto the next, whether for good or for bad.

From my (currently) favorite musical:


Only for now

PRINCETON:Why does everything have to be so hard?
GARY COLEMAN:Maybe you'll never find your purpose.
CHRISTMAS EVE:Lots of people don't.
PRINCETON:But then- I don't know why I'm even alive!
KATE MONSTER:Well, who does, really?Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.
BRIAN:Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.
GARY COLEMAN:Take a breath,Look around,
BRIAN:Swallow your pride,
KATE MONSTER:For now...
BRIAN, KATE, GARY, CHRISTMAS EVE:For now...
NICKY:Nothing lasts,
ROD:Life goes on,
NICKY:Full of surprises.
ROD: You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.
CHRISTMAS EVE:You're going to have to make a few compromises...For now...
TREKKIE MONSTER:For now...
ALL:But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!
LUCY:For now we're healthy.
BRIAN:For now we're employed.
BAD IDEA BEARS:For now we're happy...
KATE MONSTER:If not overjoyed.
PRINCETON:And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now...
GARY COLEMAN:For now...
TREKKIE MONSTER:For now...
KATE MONSTER:For now...
ALL:But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!
Only for now!(For now there's life!)
Only for now!(For now there's love!)
Only for now!(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (For now!)
Only for now!
Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (George Bush!)
Is only for now!
Don't stress,
Relax,
Let life roll off your backs
Except for death and paying taxes,
Everything in life is only for now!
NICKY:Each time you smile...
ALL:...Only for now
KATE MONSTER:It'll only last a while.
ALL:...Only for now
PRINCETON:Life may be scary...
ALL:...Only for now
But it's only temporaryBa-dum ba-dumBa-dum ba-dumBa dum ba-dumBa-da da da daba-da da-da da da-daBa-dum ba-da, ba-dum ba-daohhhh-
PRINCETON:Everything in life is only for now.

Withdrawing

I've received some really personally painful feedback at work, causing me to doubt everything that I stand for and everything that comprises me and my personality. The only way I know how to cope is to withdraw, so I am. You probably won't see me around or hear from me for awhile. I'm hurting a lot and don't want to spread the infectious depression to everyone else. All of you will be in my thoughts and prayers and hopefully by the time I talk to you all again, everyone's lives will be a bit happier.

Tag! I'm it!

I've been tagged by the beautiful Steph, over at Let the Journey Begin

Here are the tag rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you (i.e. me)
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger (me) know when your entry is posted

So, my challenge is to share six random things about myself. I can't promise anything, but here goes!
1) Most people know this one, but I graduated HS (and started college) when I was 16. I started kindergarten at age 4 and then skipped 2nd grade. And I wouldn't change and thing, no matter how estranged I felt from my college roommate when they were going to the clubs and trying to sneak drinks when I would have loved to just get in!
2) My mind works on an average of 3 thoughts at a time. I am usually done thinking something through before the thought makes it out of my mouth and, therefore, confuses the hell out of my DH when I start talking about whatever the original thought made me think of...
3) I'm the most ADD crafter that I know. I love to craft and have the knowledge to: knit, crochet, cross-stitch (counted and stamped), latch hook, sew, make cards, scrapbook, and paint. However, it takes a lot for me to finish a project that doesn't take more than a weekend to complete.
4) I took dance classes from kindergarten all the way through 12th grade. I took the normal combination class for the first few years, learning tap, ballet, and acrobatics, then, when I was 6 (the rest of the class was 7), decided to specialize in jazz.
5) I am a game show junkie. I could watch game shows any day or night. Love them. And I think this is the root of my love of reality shows because, really, what is a reality show besides a game show mixed with human interactions?
6) I'm a slob. There, I've admitted it. I have NEVER been a neat person and have had a really hard time finding the motivation to work on cleaning the house. When DH and I met, he was a neat freak--unfortunately, I've rubbed off on him more than he's rubbed off of me! I could go a LONG time without cleaning much of anything--bathrooms, towels, floors...as long as it's my own grime, I'm pretty okay with it. Yes, it grosses me out, but not enough to make me do anything about it. This is one other thing I'm working on changing by the time a baby enters our life.

So now it's time for me to tag some people:

1) My beautiful friend, Kristen, of I Would Diet For That
2) The fabulous new mommy and great friend, Julie, of Fink Bambino 1.0
3) Fantastic mommy of adorable twin little boys, Meghan, of The Adventures of Tader Baby
4) My great friend, Sarah, of TBDBITL OT
5) VERY new mommy of sweet Millie, Kenzi, of TTC our little Baby T
6) Fantastic crafter extraordinaire, Jan, of Jannypie's Craft Blog

Debbie Downer

I want SO badly to try to not be a Debbie Downer, especially after my celebratory post...but I started spotting today. Which, for my body, means cycle #4 TTC is over. So now I just wait for AF, who should show either Tuesday or Wednesday. And I'm incredibly depressed about this entire thing and have no idea how to get through it. I know it's only been four cycles, so it seems ridiculous to me...so many others make it through SO much more. But I just don't feel that strong right now. Right now I feel like spending the entirety of this weekend on the couch with no distractions, not getting dressed, eating like a pig. But that would really be pathetic. And I'm trying my damnedest not to be pathetic. So I just need to come up with some healthy coping mechanism, besides just being perky and masking my feelings all the time.