Yup, you read it right. I was just walking back from the bathroom (where, of course, my TP was tinted brown...) and was talking and joking with a co-worker as I passed her. And as soon as she passed, tears welled up in my eyes and it took everything inside me not to cry right then and there. My heart just hurts so badly...first bad news from my friend Kristen, then this.
Another failed cycle seems to be in our future. And I just don't know how to handle it. I try to just mourn it for a little while and then try to see the good in it, but I'm having a harder and harder time doing that the more it happens. I know 5 failed cycles doesn't seem like all that much to a lot of people, but that doesn't make it any easier. I still feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest.
And many of you will think "don't give up hope yet", but I'm having a really hard time with that, knowing my body and the fact that spotting at 9 dpo (tomorrow) means AF is on her way (in 4-5 days...ugh). And, really, what's the point in holding onto the hope? Why mourn later when I can just get it out of the way right now?
A friend asked me if my spotting so early was normal. I started reading online (I know, I know...) that spotting that early could be a sign of a luteal phase defect (LPD). I had no idea. So I'm thinking about getting some B6 for next cycle. But that just leads me back to my whole "letting go" thing. What does God really have in store for me? He's given me free will to do whatever I want...and he put whoever isolated this vitamin here on the earth...so should I take it? What if I keep just letting Him do whatever is His will and never ask a doctor or try any fixes? Will I be childless forever? At what point can I take it into my own hands and not be defying God? What a confusing, exhausting thought process.
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4 comments:
{{{{hug}}}}
I'm sorry I made you cry!!!! And I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry you are spotting already. I won't even say the words (the phrase you mentioned in your post) because those words don't help. It blows. It really blows. I'm sorry this is the first sign of your period. I'm sorry you have to be suffering.
Right now I am doing a LOT of soul searching and a LOT of reflection of my own faith and my relationship with God. The questions you are asking yourself and of God are the same one's I've been asking...so if you get any answers, share them with me, and I will do the same with you if I ever get anything answered!!!
{{{HUGS}}}
(We need to get together soon for a "no points dinner"...you know, the kind of delicious dinner - with adult beverages, of course - that has too many points to count, so you just "forget" about counting that night. LOL)
I so wish I were on campus to give you a huge ((HUG)). And to take you to Applebee's or something for a huge adult beverage! Honestly it's so not fair that you and some other girls on the board who will be the most excellent mommies that I know of are stuggling. I keep praying for you and the others and hope that next month is the month!
I want more babies to hold and meet the next time I am in town!!!
Wishing you luck next cycle!
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