Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Anxious

I feel like anxiety rules my life. I had been off and on anxiety medications since my wedding in 2006 until getting pregnant. It originated as a diagnosed eating anxiety disorder and progressed to more become more generalized. The first 6 months of pregnancy I felt pretty great--hardly noticed any anxiety at all. However, recently I've noticed a major increase in the frequency of my anxiety attacks.

Just in the last 24 hours I've felt anxious (to the point of having a tight chest, getting a bit dizzy, etc.) about:

- Sw.ine flu. Yes, I realize this is being overhyped in the media, but working in a building where there are hundreds of college students leaving their germs all over the place doesn't help much with this. If someone here got infected, I believe it could spread really quickly. Hygiene just isn't something they are particularly concerned about. Add into that the fact that I have a diminshed immune system and I'm about to bring a baby into the world whose immune system definitely isn't developed fully....yeah, you could say I'm nervous.

- Worrying about what people think of me. Again, logically I know this isn't something I should worry about. But it is. I still get looks of surprise when I someone finds out I'm pregnant. So if I don't look pregnant, I look fat, right? And then I work on planning things and it doesn't work out the way I want...I take it all pretty personally. In groups I may look like I'm having a great time and am outgoing, but in the back of my mind I'm always worrying what someone is thinking about what I'm saying/doing/eating.

- Car wrecks. I hardly let DH drive anywhere anymore because I need to be in control of my destiny in the car. I get anxious about other drivers being stupid and possibly causing me to get into a wreck (again, because I'm the one that has to protect this baby! I can't imagine how bad it will get once she gets here).

- Work. Luckily, I don't have to worry about having a job, but I do get anxious about just about everything else with work. My boss, my coworkers, my job duties...they all make me very anxious and overwhelmed regularly.

- Safety. Ever since I can remember, I've worried about safety. I used to think someone was going to climb on the roof outside my bedroom and come in and get me. I look in my backseat every time I get in the car. I double-check doors. If I don't have some sort of noise while falling asleep (typically the TV), my mind races about the possibilities and the little noises our house makes. Luckily, DH makes me feel really safe when I need it. :)

- My baby showers. Actually, just one of them. Because of some ugly family history, it's looking like I'm going to be having two separate showers for the two sides of my family. I hate that it's all being brought about again and I feel stuck in the middle. I'm trying not to worry about it too much, as I can't do anything about it, but well, that's sort of what anxiety is....

I don't know why I'm enumerating it all here. Writing it all out does make me feel a bit better, though, so there you go :) No, I won't be seeking treatment or medication just yet. I find that I can typically breathe through most of the anxiety attacks and be okay. I did order a Prenatal Yoga DVD that I hope to receive either today or tomorrow and am hoping that doing that on a regular basis will help me with my relaxation.

4 comments:

Danica said...

Are we seperated at birth? I too have been off and on anxiety meds. I can go from one extreme to the next. Thankfully I'm okay now...for the moment, but the swine flu is wrecking my vacation so I'm pretty anxious/nervous now.

Hugs! I think you're beautiful!

Mrs. Hammer said...

Right now I can certainly relate on the anxiety front. I just hope since I'm in a hospital right now that no one comes here with swine flu.

tbonegrl said...

I wish I could hug you through the computer!

crrv said...

Just wanted to give you hugs. It's probably pretty stupid to say not to worry about so much, but seriously, don't worry so much. :)