Why is it that no one ever talks about how awful these first months are? You might think I'm lying, but I truly believe that I don't have a particularly difficult child. She's happy when she's awake, naps well in the mornings, sleeps for long stretches during the night, eats well, doesn't spit up too much...but last night I was ready to throw in the towel. I've thought that before, but last night I was honestly one more waking from walking out the door. I found myself actually regretting getting pregnant and having this baby.
I never thought I'd feel that way. We worked so hard to have this baby and I love her, I really do. But every single evening we fight bedtime. She naps well during the day, and has finally started to be able to go to sleep without needing to eat every time. She's happy when she's awake as long as we don't let her stay awake for too long. But around 5:00 it's like we trade her in for a different baby. She won't go to sleep no matter what we do. And if she does, she'll sleep for maybe a half an hour, then wake up again. We've tried gas drops, letting her cry a little, rocking, shhing, swaying, walking, car rides, stroller rides, swings, swaddling, baths, letting her sleep more earlier in the day, letting her be awake, putting her to bed earlier, putting her to bed later, pacifiers, nursing to sleep...it seems like we've done everything we've read about possiblly working. Last night she slept from 4 to 5, 7 to 7:30, then was up until 1:30. During those 6 hours she would doze off and we'd put her in her crib, only to have her start screaming again within 10-15 minutes. We were at our wits end and whenever she would doze off were afraid to move.
I, mortified for feeling the way I did, reluctantly talked to DH about it this morning. He told me that others have to have been there. Other people, even those who had tried for awhile to have babies, have to have had moments of wishing to go back. Of looking in those baby eyes and wishing for the life we had before she arrived. But no one speaks of it. No, we're all afraid of being judged. I, for one, am afraid that my friends who are still struggling to have a baby will think I'm completely selfish and ungrateful. But I need to get this out there. I believe it's normal for parents to feel this way, but why didn't anyone warn us of this? Why didn't anyone tell me that, even if I have a pleasant baby, I could end up wanting to set her down and just walk away?
For that matter, why doesn't anyone talk about how trapped you feel with a newborn? Maybe my child is an anomaly because she won't sleep in a car seat if it's not in a car, making me even more reluctant to get out of the house. But surely there are others out there, not feeling able to leave the house for fear that their child will start screaming in the middle of the store. Why don't we mothers admit to these feelings, for the good of mothers to come?
Because admitting these feelings would be admitting that we're human. That we AREN'T supermom. Moms are supposed to be invincible--able to raise a child, keep the house clean, and still be completely rested and happy all at the same time. But we can't. We aren't. And I think it's time, at least to each other, that we admit that. I'm admitting it. I can only do one of those at a time and don't really have a choice but to choose to raise my baby. So my happiness, my house's cleanliness, and my restfulness are going to have to take a backburner for now. And that will have to be okay.
5 comments:
((HUGS))
You're doing a great job and you're a great mommy.
I've so been there. I've told the baby I am going to quit and he'll have to find a new mom if he doesn't stop screaming/refuse to sleep/etc.
*raises hand* Been there, done that. I have a very easy daughter, but there's still times when I want to walk away and say I can't do this.
Don't let her stop you from getting out. Most of the time you'll see other parents giving you a knowing look if Elizabeth is screaming. We've all been there. No child (or parent) is perfect. You do what you have to do.
(((hugs)))
No baby is 'easy'. You're doing a great job with Elizabeth.
We need to share this more.
You should still get out, both with and without the little one. Every time is a little easier, and you feel a little more like you.
(((BIG HUGS))) I've also been there. Hell, I still get there sometimes. But in the beginning, it's really tough. Take a breather when you need to and let DH handle things.
You are doing a great job with Elizabeth! Keep doing whatever you can to keep your sanity during the rough times. If that means letting other things go, then so be it. My house has never been dirtier than it is now, but other things are more important.
As for getting out, I think you should definitely try and do that as much as you can too. That would probably help you out a bit. Maybe just go for walk in a park. I did that about every day when I was on maternity leave. Or go to a baby store like Babies R' Us. I felt like I lived in that place in the beginning. I was there all the time. I would sit in their glider section and feed Madeline all the time. Just keep it simple and it will give you more confidence for bigger trips.
I can distinctly remember after one very trying night of Tyler not sleeping, him and I both crying, flat out yelling at him to just go to sleep. I was never so ashamed of myself than I was at that moment.
This, of course was after I'd gone back to work, exhausted, with no DH around to take over.
But I'll stand right next to you and say your right. We all think it, but no one talks about it. The first few months are the hardest.
This is what scares the hell outta me about trying for #2. Going through this all over again with a toddler in tow.
(((HUGS)))
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