Monday, May 3, 2010

Tired.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of Baby Girl's sleep getting worse.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one taking care of her.  I'm tired of only talking to my husband long enough each day to fight with him.  I'm tired of fighting with him.  I'm tired of him having to run into work when we're supposed to be spending time together.  I'm tired of pretending that that's okay.  I'm tired of not being able to see an end to this situation.

I'm tired of trying to be proactive with Baby Girl's sleep.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one who really cares about how she sleeps.  I'm tired of being the only one impacted when she doesn't sleep.  I'm tired of being afraid to admit that she's slept the last 3 hours of the last 2 nights in our bed.  I'm tired of feeling like the only good sleep we get is when she's in our bed.  I'm tired.

I'm tired of not having enough time to do what I want.  I'm tired of not having enough energy to do what I need. 

I'm tired of coming to work.  I'm tired of coming to work to find that I have no personal relationships anymore.  I'm tired of then turning to the people in my computer for 8 hours a day because I have no one else to talk to.  I'm tired of not being able to focus on my work. 

I'm tired of worrying.  I'm tired of thinking.  I'm tired of trying to hold my household together with virtually no help.  I'm tired of feeling guilty when I do take a break.  I'm tired of looking at all the dirt and mess around the house.  But I'm too tired to do anything about it.  I'm tired of, when The Husband finally does give me a break, having a child who has become so accustomed to having mommy come crawling over and pulling up on mommy's laptop.  I'm tired of having to be the mean one.  I'm tired of having to be the one who decides what we're having for dinner, then cooking it while Daddy gets to play.  I'm tired of not really want to play, either, though.

More than anything, I'm tired of feeling like a failure at everything.  I'm tired of feeling stretched so thin that I can't give my all to any one thing in my life. 

So. Damn. Tired.

5 comments:

Liz said...

Big hugs! Why is your DH's job able to call him in at any time? Is he getting paid extra to go in on weekends and during family time? Sounds like he needs to put his foot down some. It's not fair to him, you, or baby girl.

Danica said...

Sending hugs! Why doesn't DH help with cleaning or cooking? Maybe try making a schedule where you can play with your daughter while he cooks, etc. It's his daughter, his house, his wife too...he should be helping more. I'm sorry. :-(

Cassie said...

I'm so sorry, Allison. Did you hack into my brain? Because I could basically have written this post. I hope your DH starts helping you more. Mine has, but only because I had a huge freak-out on him last week and I think I terrified him.

You and I need to meet for coffee. I think we'd be best friends.

Andrea said...

((((hugs)))) You just have to tell your hubby what he can do to help. They won't offer because they don't get it. My husband can't cook so I always had to do that. But we always split who cleaned up the kitchen and who put the baby to bed. We alternated nights and it helped a ton. See if you can do something similar to get yourself a break.

Mandy said...

Big hugs to you. I'm so sorry to hear it. I would have just shut down long ago. I would have let the baby cry to sleep and let DH starve or cook his own food. I just couldn't do it.