Half a Lifetime

I just put on a sweatshirt from my high school's boys' basketball team.  It has their schedule on it and I got it from my Chemistry teacher--an assistant on the team.  I looked at the back, where the schedule is, and realized that it is from the 1995-96 season, which means I've had the sweatshirt for 15 years...half of my life.

It's so hard for me to understand that high school was half a lifetime away.  I felt like everything that happened while in school was incredibly significant.  I remember who friends dated, when we had first kisses, teachers, subjects, even specific tests.  Many people told me that college would be the best years of my life...but I remember high school as the happiest time of my life. 

College brought...complicated times.  Independence (and not necessarily in a good way).  A severe drop in self-esteem (not that it was great in high school...that *was* when I was not eating, after all). 
It's just so hard for me to believe that high school, the time I was the most popular, when I had great, lifelong friends, when I felt like I BELONGED was almost half a lifetime ago.

And, honestly, it makes me really sad.  It makes me sad to realize that I've lived as much time away from those friends as I did with them.  It makes me sad to realize that I've spent half a lifetime not feeling like I belong, like I fit in, like I'm liked. 

All this is really brought on by a picture I saw from college.  I was FAT.  Hideously huge.  And I was part of a group that had structure built in, but I still didn't belong with my smaller part of the group.  I just didn't.  And I hate that.  I spent all of my 5 years trying to fit in and never did.  And it makes me so sad to think about.  College was a time of failure for me.  Failing to get decent grades.  Failing to maintain a reasonable weight.  Failing to make people like me.  Sure, I had friends.  College is where I met The Hubby and some of our best friends.  But the masses didn't like me like they used to.  I used to be the "it" girl in my circle in high school.  Not college.  Not by a long shot.

This is another one of those posts that I'm just going to publish because it's late and I need to do some stuff and just get this off my chest.  I have a lot more to say about it all...high school...college...belonging...FAT.  But not right now.  Nope, I need to get my shit together and get out of here so I can see my girl.