Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Judging

After I post a blog post like I did yesterday, I fear that I'm being judged.  I know there are about 30 people per day that visit my blog and I don't know who most of them are.  So I picture them all sitting there, reading my post, and just judging how crazy I am instead of offering (any!) words of support. 

The feedback I get from those of you who post comments means the world to me, but the silence I hear from everyone else makes me want to run and hide and not post anymore entries that are so revealing of my soul.  I realize that yesterday's post was about 24 hours ago and not all blog readers are so obsessive devoted to reading blogs, but this just isn't the first time I've felt this way. It makes me want to make my blog private and not share what I'm thinking and feeling with anyone.

This is NOT trying to beg for comments or anything--just sharing, again, how I'm feeling.  Honestly.  Openly. 

Why does it matter if people are judging me?  It just does.  I wish I could take on the attitude of not caring what others think of me, but that's not who I am or how I operate. 

I love blogging.  I love expressing my feelings and talking about my little girl in a place that people can choose to visit and read (rather than bombarding all my FB friends and message board members with story after story of all the cute things she does).  But I don't just do it for me.  I don't just do *anything* for me.  I try to tell funny stories to amuse you.  I try to talk about how I'm feeling in the hopes that someone else might be feeling the same way and either I can help them or we can, at least, find some camaraderie in it.  Some part of this blog is for my own record-keeping.  It's what I do instead of a baby book.  One of these days I'll go fill out her baby book and I'll use this blog to determine when she took her first steps, got her first tooth, and said her first word. 

But mostly, I blog for the community.  And rather than hearing the comments I do get, the silence is saying more.

7 comments:

Cassie said...

I think I could probably write an entire post about this on my own blog (at least then I'd be writing something there!). Blogging in a public forum automatically makes us vulnerable and opens us up to judgement from all kinds of people. But I've found that, in my writing, I write what I feel, of course, and I write it for myself -- but I also write it for the people who DO comment. I feel like I know you and the other people who comment on my blog, and like you mentioned, I like writing something and knowing I'm going to get "Girl, I've been there" or "How can we fix this?" in return.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I just want to tell you, girl, I've been there :), and I've felt judged too. And of course you care what others think of you -- I do too, everyone does. But I guess I've just learned that I don't care what people who don't even bother to voice an opinion think of me. I don't know...This is very poorly articulated. I apologize!

Anyway, if you make your blog private, you better give me the password RIGHT AWAY -- because I will always be reading, and commenting, and caring. :)

crockpottuesdays said...

Allison, I'm one of the readers of your blog, but I don't always get to my Google Reader every day (although lately it has been almost every day). I always read your posts but rarely comment, and it's definitely not because I'm judging you or think anything bad about you. In fact, a lot of what you say reminds me of myself. I may not comment, but I can guarantee you that I'm frequently thinking that I know exactly what you mean -- and that I probably haven't figured out a solution.

In my head, I felt like I had something much more insightful to say, but I can't seem to write it out right. I felt like I just wanted to let you know that the silence doesn't mean anything bad (at least not from me, anyway).

Janet said...

Another one that reads but doesn't comment (I always think it will be weird to comment). I definately don't judge you for what you write. I lot of what you write I see in myself. As I'm quickly learning as a parent you second guess everything you do for your children. As far as I can tell you have an amazing daughter and should be proud of the life you have given her so far.


Janet (jwindy)

Sarah Dee said...

which would be why I don't post half of the things I want to document. I had enough comments about how I was being overly critical of my son, or I didn't want someone to compare their child to mine.

the other quarter of things I want to say doesn't get published because my in-laws wouldn't like me anymore.

Momma said...

I know what you mean, I leave it all out there and when I get no comments I constantly second guess myself. But then I think about how the post made me feel and I find that it is such a freeing moment that I figure everypost may not affect everyone the same way.

Keep on Bloggin'!

Danica said...

Ah sorry chica, I'm more of a reader than a commenter on almost all of the blogs I follow. Sometimes I'm sneaking a reading in at work and don't have the time to comment.

Hang in there! I'm still here. :-)

xx // b r a n d i s said...

hi lovely! i try and visit once or twice a week, when i can manage to find a little me time. ive become a bit of a reader, non commenter on all the blogs i follow, until i get back to work this fall. just remember that you should blog for YOU & not give a damn what anyone else thinks. as long as you love yourself & are blogging for you, no one can bring you down. and actually once you blog for yourself, you'll attract similar-minded people (which it looks like you already have! who will be loyal supporters). trust me, i get lots of hate messages because of what i write. i used to let it get to me. and hardly anyone commented on my old site. but a TON read it. ya just have to take comfort in knowing that people want to be apart of your life, even if they dont comment. :) *hug