Struggling

This is incredibly hard for me to admit to anyone but you, my mostly anonymous blog readers. I'm completely struggling with breastfeeding. During my pregnancy, I had feared a struggle, but I was much more afraid that my body would fail me and I would have supply issues or something like that. Instead, my struggle is almost entirely emotional. I feel trapped in my home, unable to go anywhere or do anything. I find I can't do anything I want to do because I'm the only one who can give the baby food. I resent my husband, too, who hasn't missed out on hot meals (whereas I've had maybe 5 hot meals since the baby was born), who can sleep through the night if I let him (and even if I don't want him to, he can fall asleep during the hour that it takes to feed the baby every 3 hours or so), who runs to get us dinner (I don't feel like I can leave the house). His freedom just makes me even more aware of my confinement. Add on top of that the fact that he is and will always be the "fun" parent and that I want him to have time with our daughter (and therefore he spends most of the baby's awake and non-feeding time with her) and I just feel like a big old milk machine, like that's my only purpose in life.

All that said, the lactation consultant said we should start offering a bottle at least once a week so the baby doesn't refuse the bottle when I return to work--and that makes me sad, too. Yes, it would be expressed breastmilk, but what if she decides she likes it better? We already have some latch problems (she fights the latch for about 10 attempts each time) and I'm afraid she'll resist even more once she realizes how easy a bottle is. And that would break my heart, too.

I'm a stubborn person. I don't want to take the easy way out (easy in my head--not supposed to be a criticism of formula feeding). I want to keep breastfeeding for a long time. I don't have a goal because I'm afraid if we need to stop before then I'll feel like a failure. But in the back of my head, I'd like to make it to a year so we never have to buy formula. We'll see. I know if I admitted my feelings to my mom, MIL, SIL, or most of the people in my life, they'd say if I'm feeling so trapped I should just stop breastfeeding. That's not what I want. I want to keep breastfeeding and just hope it gets better. DH has been wonderful and keeps reminding me why I'm doing this, but it's just very hard sometimes. I can honestly say I've cried at least once a day since she's been born--mostly because of my breastfeeding frustrations.

Beyond the breastfeeding struggles, I'm happy being a mommy. I love this little girl. I just long for the day when I become more than a milk factory to her.

Must be doing something right!

During the first two weeks of my daughter's life, we were at the pediatrician's office very often (4 times in the first week we were home from the hospital--Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and again Monday). Besides being concerned with some possible jaundice, they wanted to keep track of her weight, as she didn't gain it back as quickly as they would have liked. Yes, they wanted her back at her birth weight by the time she was two weeks old, but for some reason, they were really hoping she'd gain it back more quickly. She was born at 7 lbs 5 oz, was 6 lbs 14.5 oz at her lowest (back up to 7 lbs at discharge). She gained very slowly that first week, but by the second Monday (would be two weeks on that Wednesday), she was back to 7 lbs 4 oz and the doctor was satisfied. We were able to stop going to the pediatrician every other day.

Yesterday we went to meet with a lactation consultant (I want to post about that later) and they weighed the baby when we got there, then again after feeding. Her first weight...8 lbs 6 oz! According to their scale, she'd gained over a pound in just over a week! That must mean we're doing something right :) Makes both DH and me stop doubting ourselves quite so much.

Small Victories

As I've said before, baby spent most of the first two weeks sleeping on people. The only times she didn't was in the isolette at the hospital. We've since been working on getting her to sleep in the PnP in our room overnight, but haven't been putting her down much during the day. It's just so tempting to snuggle her!!!

Today, however, is the first time DH has gone to work, leaving me alone for a longer duration than ever. This means I need to find a way to use the bathroom and eat lunch...which just wasn't going to happen with a baby sleeping on me. My second option was going to be trying out the sling (haven't tried it yet), but first I wanted to try swaddling her after a feeding. DH is typically out swaddler, so I wasn't sure I could accomplish it without her freaking out. Not only did I successfully swaddle her, but she's been sleeping in her PnP in the living room (yes, we have two) for 15 minutes now! Even if she woke at this point, I would consider it a victory :) I've already peed and eaten lunch, so if she decided to wake up, I could hold her until DH returns (he's only working half days this week).

Now to work on figuring out the best tactic to get out of the house (besides for a walk)...

My C-section

We checked into L&D at 5:50 a.m. and were taken to the recovery area. I was told to put on a gown and I was hooked up to two monitors--one to see if I was having contractions (I was, every 4-6 minutes) and the other to monitor baby's heartrate (consistently in the 130s). They took my blood pressure (it was elevated, but I was slightly uptight!) and started my IV. The first two nurses I had were fantastic--incredibly personable and caring. At 7 we had a shift change, where I got two new nurses--one very personable and caring and the other...not so much.


One of my first nurses had told me that there was no way I should get the catheter before being numbed. She said it would be very uncomfortable. However, nurse #2 had other plans. She told me it wasn't bad and that they didn't like us to get the cath after numbing b/c they had to lift the patient's legs and the patient is harder to control. Fine. If you say it's not bad, lady, I'll trust you. So she tried to insert the cath. Without much warning. And it hurt. Bad. I screamed louder than I think I ever have. Apparently I also kicked some things off the bed and made people in the hallway pause to see if everything was okay. It was horrible and easily the most traumatizing part of the whole experience. Oh, and she didn't even get it in. I think my screaming made her mad at me, but at least it made her wait until we were in the OR.


The surgery was scheduled for 8:00, but apparently there was some confusion about whether the cerclage next to me or my surgery would go first, so we didn't wheel into the OR until 8:30. DH stayed out in the hallway and put on his gear while I went into the OR with nice nurse and a very nice nurse anesthetist. I had confessed to both of them that I was pretty nervous about the spinal block and about not being able to feel anything, so they were both very supportive. The nurse told me I did a great job receiving the spinal block and the anesthetist was there by my head the entire time, willing to reassure me that I was still breathing fine and that everything was going fine. Oh, and once I was numb they put in the catheter...after trying for about 3-4 minutes (either mean nurse injured me or I was going to naturally have a hard time having it put in).

Once I was settled and beginning to get numb, DH was allowed in the room. He was given a stool right by my head. They had strapped down my arms, but the straps were so loose that they didn't bother me at all. The nurse anesthetist did scratch, hot, and cold tests to see how numb I was before they started cutting. DH just sat and talked to me through the entire thing. I had a bit more feeling than I would have liked on my left side, but it wasn't painful--just not entirely comfortable.

They began the surgery. I don't remember too many of the sensations, but vividly remember telling DH that it felt like when baby would sit on my bladder. Seconds later, we heard my doctor say, "We need to get that bladder moved". DH and I both laughed--we were surprised I could still feel what was going on inside. I remember that it felt like we waited forever for the baby to be born. I heard the resident say "I see a butt", which didn't surprise us since we knew which way she was situated. At that point they told DH he could stand up and look if he wanted, which, surprisingly, he did. He even took a couple of pictures of the baby's bottom sticking out of my belly! Once they pulled her out, she didn't cry right away, which I knew logically she wouldn't (passing through the birth canal naturally clears out the airways, but since they don't do that in a C-section, the doctors have to do it). I was still very nervous and kept asking if she was okay--DH kept reassuring me that she was. They brought her around for us to see--she was beautiful and looked huge.

I told DH to follow her to the warmer. I don't have any idea what was happening to my own body at that point--I was just waiting to hear how my daughter was doing. I heard them announce the weight as 7 lbs 5 oz (DH had thought she would be just under 7 lbs, but I told him the night before I thought she'd be 7 lbs 5 oz...guess it was mother's intuition!). I remember hearing her cry--what a beautiful sound!

Eventually they were able to bring the baby and DH back to me. They even released one of my arms so I could touch her. It was just surreal, knowing this was my baby that I had had inside my body for the past 9 months. Baby and DH got to hang out with me for about 15 minutes while they were putting my insides back together (this part was fairly painful when they were shoving my uterus back up under my ribs). They then wheeled the baby out in a bassinet to take her to the nursery, but not without a stop in the waiting room to meet some grandparents (of course, only my mom was there--DH's parents weren't in town yet and my dad was out smoking).

Toward the end I was able to feel them stitching me up. I asked them how much longer it would be--if it was going to be much longer, I would need extra numbing meds!--and the doctor said just a couple of seconds (she was right).

After I was stitched up, I was wheeled back to recovery where I just had to wait. My parents and DH's parents came back to see me, then DH took my dad and his parents to the nursery to check out the baby while my mom hung out with me, just waiting for me to be able to move my toes. We were in recovery for two hours, first waiting for me to be able to move my toes, then waiting for me to be able to lift my bottom off the bed. Once I could that, I could go to my room and see my baby, so I was very frustrated with how long it was taking the anesthesia to wear off! At some point DH ran the baby book up to the nursery to have the baby's footprints put in there...but I'm not sure when that happened!

Around noon I was finally able to move a bit more and the nurses wheeled me and my entourage up to my room (both the ILs and my parents, plus DH, the two nurses, and me in the bed were all in the elevator together!). While the parents waited in the hallway, the nurses helped me transfer into my hospital bed and DH and I said goodbye to them and hello to our new home for the next few days.

It took another hour for us to get the baby--DH ended up having to go ask for her in the nursery. His parents and younger brother went to lunch and my parents went into the hallway while I nursed for the first time. We both did well :) Once we were done, my parents got to meet her and then DH's parents came back and got to meet and hold the baby. All we wanted to do was hold her and snuggle her--she was perfect.

DH's older brother, his wife, and their daughter came and not long afterwards our friends S & R stopped by (who brought an adorable outfit and some much-craved funnel cake mix!). It was great having everyone meet the baby! Most of the visitors cleared out in the early evening with my parents the last to leave around 8:30. Right around that time was when I was first able to pass gas--thank goodness!!! I was starving at that point (the broth, juice, Jello, and Sprite just didn't cut it!) and that meant I was cleared to eat solid foods. Graham crackers and yogurt never tasted so good!

I was given the option to keep the catheter in overnight or have it taken out. I didn't want to have to deal with getting out of bed overnight to use the restroom, so I opted to keep it in until the next morning. Once it was taken out (not painful at all), the PCA helped me get out to bed to go to the bathroom. I had a bit of cramping in my bladder, but otherwise it wasn't too bad.

Some notes about my recovery:

~ I wish I would have taken more walks in the hospital to get myself moving. We had so many visitors that it seemed like it was never a good time between chatting with people, feeding the baby, and sleeping. I think I only took three walks total before heading home.

~ That first poo wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Definitely take the stool softeners, though!!

~ The bleeding was never horrible. I had a HUGE maxi pad that I wore for almost 7 days (different ones, of course), then switched back to normal maxis and my own undies about a week after she was born. It came and went--some days heavier than others.

~ I had cramping whenever I peed for almost two weeks afterwards. It's cleared up on its own, so it doesn't seem that it was a UTI or bladder infection.

~ I got really tender after napping on my side 9 days after she was born. It made me nervous (was a Friday, so I missed out on calling the doctor), but I think it's normal to feel some tenderness whenever you do something new.

~ DH took really good care of me throughout. I think sometimes he wishes he'd made me do more for myself so I would have healed better, but it felt right to me. I was scared I would pop a stitch or something and took things fairly slow. It was over two weeks before I was getting up and moving much more than to use the restroom.

~ Showering at the hospital wasn't bad. I was nervous I would get woozy and DH was hovering outside the door the entire time, but I had no problems. It was nice to feel like a real person!

~ We slept on the living room furniture (a recliner, a reclining love seat, and a reclining sofa) for the first two weeks of the baby's life. During this time, she slept on us. Our first night in our own bed was Thursday night two weeks after she was born. It was nice, but I had a heck of a backache when I woke up. The best thing I've had was one of those video game pillows so I could just sit up and nurse right in bed. I have also been prepared with many pillows in case I need support under my belly or behind my back.

~ I took almost all of my pain meds. My pain never really got over a 4 on the pain scale while in the hospital, so while I was okayed to have two pain pills every six hours, I never took more than one, plus my ibuprofen. I continued with the pills once I got home and think that helped immensely, especially once I was moving better. I was also very happy to have gas meds and stool softeners at home (had to send DH out for them when he got my prescription filled).

I may come back and edit this post if I come up with anything I've forgotten. I just wanted to get a lot of this documented before I begin to forget!

Two Weeks Later

Baby is here :) She arrived July 29, 2009 at 9:04 a.m. and was 7 lbs 5 oz and 19 inches. She's beautiful and her daddy and I are totally in love.

The last two weeks have been a total blur of feeding, hospital stay, sleepless nights, C-section recovery, and just loving our beautiful little girl. We were in the hospital Wednesday morning through Sunday around 3:00 p.m. We had fantastic care by the nurses, PCAs, and lactation consultants. We had some visitors, which we really appreciated.

Since we've been home, baby has been ruling our lives. We've been to the pediatrician four times for weight checks and to check her bilirubin levels, as they were elevated when we left the hospital. It's been a struggle and VERY hard on Mommy--I feel like it's my fault that she wasn't gaining the way the doctor wanted her to. We did meet the goal of getting back to her birth weight by the time she was two weeks old (well, we assume so, as she was 7 lbs 4 oz on Monday).

Feeding started out great. My colostrum was readily available and the lactation consultant told me I shouldn't have any concern about a low supply and she's been right. I think my supply has been pretty right on. Baby's latch has been a concern, but we're currently working on fixing it with the help of a nipple shield. Feeding has, in general, been full of highs and lows and quite a bit of discomfort, but I love being able to bond with my baby and am really glad we've pushed through it (and I do say "we" because DH has been awake with me for almost every feeding, helps burp her, helps position her, etc.).

The best anecdote of the first two weeks would be about a diaper changing DH was doing around 6 a.m. I had just finished feeding on one side and she had pooped. DH had baby on the floor to change her when all of a sudden, we heard the noise...and then DH groaned. Baby had pooped all over him. It was disgusting, but hilarious at the same time. He finished the changing and handed her off to me while he went and showered. Gross.

To date, I have only changed TWO diapers. Wow. DH has been absolutely incredible and has been taking care of both of us in ways I never could have imagined. When baby wouldn't sleep by herself, we traded off having her sleep on us. He does just about everything for me. He changes her diapers, burps her, soothes her, and just gazes at her with more love than I ever thought I would see in his eyes. He's completely infatuated. We've just recently been getting her to sleep by herself in the PnP we have downstairs (since we're still sleeping on the couches), but DH has the hardest time letting her lay in there by herself. The minute she makes any noises, he's begging to pick her up. It's the most adorable thing.

I never want to forget this time, but at the same time, don't want to take the time to write about it because I just want to take it all in!

Freaking

Absolutely, positively wigging out. About the surgery. About becoming a mommy. About not being pregnant anymore.

Freaking out. Crying incessantly. Trying to enjoy these last few hours, but just freaking out instead.

Twelve hours from now, I will be in a room, probably with an IV in, just waiting.

And freaking.

Still here!

No baby. The cramping trailed off yesterday evening and is completely gone this morning. I actually slept through the night last night, which was wonderful. Still exhausted, of course, since DH and I stayed up talking a bit too late (he's finally showing me his anxiety, which is nice...I sort of felt like the only one!).

I'm back at work, enjoying my last day without a baby. Trying to take in every moment, every movement...everything I'm going to miss once she's out in the world. And of course because I'm feeling so good now, I'm back to being in no hurry for her to make her grand appearance. It's undeniable, though, she's coming out tomorrow. Twenty-four hours from now I will be having my C-section.

Okay, I'm ready

I haven't been ready to give birth to this baby...until now. But now I've got pain in my back, hips, lower stomach, and sudden "lightning crotch". I don't think I'm ready to sit through this for another 36 hours, especially knowing that there's not a *real* reason to go through it. If I were going through labor pains because I were going to give birth vaginally, I would have a completely different mindset. I would be excited (still anxious, of course). But no, there's not a true purpose for the labor for this baby--they could go in and cut her out without me being in pain.

We cleaned up a lot of the house last night and I really believe we're physically ready (we were technically physically ready weeks ago, but I think we've done all we could possibly do at this point). The only thing I want done before heading to the hospital is to clean off the guest bed (we have clean laundry on there) so my mom can sleep there if she wants to. That could take less than 5 minutes if we don't care where the clothes go.

I'm ready. I hope this either turns into real labor (DH has felt my stomach and hasn't felt anything like a contraction...now I feel like a crazy person) or it stops for the next 36 hours.

Update

Had contractions every 6 to 10 minutes when I was timing over an hour and the nurse didn't seem to think it was necessary to do anything but just keep pushing fluids and timing the contractions (she's confirming with the doctor and will let me know if somethign changes). So I went and took a shower and am getting ready to lay back on the couch and time them for another hour.

On a side note, baby is SUPER active. I just keep thinking--of course, now she'll flip. LOL

Beginning

I'm going to rewind a bit here. Let's go back to Saturday. Saturday DH and I got some delicious ribs for dinner. Ribs and cornbread--can't get much better than that! We ate them at home and spent some night time together just relaxing around the house.

That night, I had to go to the bathroom multiple times in the middle of the night, only this time it wasn't to pee, if you get my drift. I had diarrhea until about 1:00 yesterday (Sunday) afternoon. Ick. DH was working outside, so I decided to go pillaging to get some basic household things we might need, plus the deals for the week. I walked around the store for no more than an hour and came home feeling a bit sore.

Once home, I cut DH's hair and then DH and I started watching some horrendous shows (we always get sucked into a marathon of some awful reality show). Around 5:30 he ran and picked up some Chinese for dinner. We ate, watched some more TV, did some other things around the house (nothing strenuous for me at all), then stretched out together on the couch.

Around 8:00 I started to get a bit of discomfort in the lower part of my stomach--sort of like light menstrual cramps (I say light because I had horrible ones growing up--I have no idea if these would be strong for other people). I sat up and felt a teeny bit better. As the evening progressed, I started to get more of a backache and the pain was radiating into my thighs, just like my menstrual cramps had been. I contacted a friend of mine who had just gone through labor and she confirmed that this was a lot like the beginning of her labor. Just what I didn't need to hear! haha I wasn't able to discern any sort of rhythm to the cramps, so I told her I was going to try to sleep and see if they got worse/more regular overnight.

Apparently my anxiety got the best of me because I didn't sleep long at all. After about an hour, I was awake (it was 1 a.m.) and trying to time these cramps. It didn't work too well, though, as it isn't like they're really painful or have a definite beginning to them. I was awake until about 3:30, then finally dozed. I woke up a few more times before my alarm went off at 6. I decided then that I needed to sleep a bit longer, so I called in and told them I'd be in around noon. I was able to sleep fairly solidly until about 9.

So here it is, 10:20, and I'm still having these cramps, but they don't seem to be gaining intensity or frequency (although I haven't been timing, so I'm not 100% sure). After chatting with another friend (who just happened to email and ask if I was having a baby today), I've called my doctor's office to confer with the nurse. Now just waiting for a call back (and really wanting to get in the shower, but don't want to miss the phone call!). Part of me thinks I might just be a paranoid first-time mommy. I haven't had any other labor symptoms--no bloody show, no mucus plug loss, can't tell if my uterus is actually contracting or not...

So this could be it...or maybe not. Either way, we'll have a baby by Wednesday, but it could be sooner.

Prepping for baby--8 and 7 days to go

Combining into one post :)

Eight days to go (Tuesday): We finalized our childcare decision. What a load off my mind! We had already decided on her, but weren't sure we were ready to start paying a weekly holding fee just yet, so we waited to commit. We finally paid our first deposit, though, and officially have a place for P to go once I go back to work in late October!

Seven days to go (Wednesday): Went to breastfeeding class. It was really helpful to hear the information that the nurse/LC had. With all the troubles one of my friends has been having, however, I'm very nervous about my ability to breastfeed. The LC even said that if a mommy had no change in breast size during pregnancy, that can be an indication of lack of supply. But in the same breath, she also said that that same person could have enough milk to feed the whole neighborhood, so it definitely isn't a rule. I'm trying to just relax and let it happen when it happens. I am producing colostrum, so they're trying to do *something* :)

DH was sure he would be the only male in the class, but it turned out that there was only one mommy-to-be without a partner. DH is very ready to support me in breastfeeding, which I think is really important. He knows how much both of us have suffered with our allergies over the years and we both think the the possibility of decreasing the instance of allergies is a good enough reason to breastfeed as long as possible. He's already talking about how he'll go get the baby and bring her to me, burp her, change her, and do everything but feed her. Oh, and he'll stroke my hair while I feed her :) I'm so happy he's willing and interested in being involved in this process--I was really nervous he'd feel left out.

I also cancelled the appointment we had made with the pediatrician's office to meet him because it was scheduled for July 29th at 8:30 a.m. Um yeah, not going to happen.

Prepping for baby--9 days to go

(or less)

Nothing *too* major going on yesterday... We had uninstalled both car seat bases after having them installed already (the Mazda's needed removed to fit my parents with us and the Corolla's needed moved to bring home a rug), so DH went outside to put them back in. He had me come back out and inspect. The middle seat on the Corolla doesn't have the LATCH system, but we wanted to put it there anyway. Well, it didn't fit well--it was fairly loose and wasn't really even close to the right angle. So after a bit of a panic attack, I said, well, we just need to put it on the outside.

As we were fighting with the car seat base, our neighbor came home and told us if we needed anything to let him know. We laughed and thanked him and he went inside. Before we knew it, he was coming back out with an Exersaucer, explaining that they're done having kids and their youngest had outgrown it. So now we have an Exersaucer (which is mysteriously missing a spring, but those aren't too expensive). Woohoo! How generous!!!

Prepping for Baby--10 days to go

It seems we're doing something to prep for baby in some way almost every day over the next week and a half and I want to remember this time always. Sunday meant we have 10 days (or less....still trying to stay prepared that this baby could do her own thing and show up early!) to go!

I was awake around 7:15 after my second pee, so I went downstairs and started planning our meals for the week (typical Sunday morning behavior) and watched some TV. DH got up around 8:30 and we started talking about the meals we want to make before baby comes to have in the freezer. We decided it would be a good day to get all of that done, so we began to make our plan. We made a HUGE grocery list, then went through the cupboards to see what we already had available. By the time we went to the grocery and got back, we had enough food to make two batches of muffins, 5 different meals (each with at least 6 servings), plus our 6 meals for the week (we'll be grabbing fast food on Thursday because of Book Club) and spent only $87 (after a couple of coupons and a $10 GC). Woohoo!

We got home and after lunch got to work. We ended up making lasagna (my mom's recipe), chili (DH's recipe), tater tot casserole, chicken and rice wrap-ups (shredded chicken cooked in salsa, water, and taco seasoning, then rice cooked in as well, then wrapped in tortillas), and a chicken & sausage gumbo. We also made up two dozen oat bran muffins. We got to sample two, as we could only fit 11 in each freezer bag. ;) They were tasty! We used my Reynolds Handi-Vac to vacuum seal all the freezer bags for all of these but the lasagna and chili--those we put in disposable bowls.

After we were done, we still had leftover chicken from the whole chicken I had cooked up, so we made a chicken pot pie and had dinner. After dinner, we ran to Big Lots to look for a playpen to take to daycare. Whew. Lots of things accomplished AND we had a good day just hanging out together and working together in the kitchen.

Making freezer meals was one of the very last things we needed to get done before the big day--we both feel a lot more prepared today!

Grateful

I've been very grateful over the last couple days...

~ For this fantastic weather. There are so many people out there who are upset about having a cooler July than I can ever remember, but I know I, for one, am incredibly thankful! I keep saying that it's God's way of really looking out for me and all the other preggos out there. My biggest fear when we got pregnant was whether I could handle the heat of the summer...and the great news is that I haven't had to! We even sat outside by the firepit on Friday night--I had to put on a sweatshirt and it was WONDERFUL.

~ For the movement of my baby. Yesterday I had a bit of a scare that something was very wrong with baby after she hadn't moved in awhile (I couldn't remember the last time I felt her move). My mom was trying her hardest to feel the baby move one last time (this child is definitely mine...whenever anyone WANTS her to move, she won't...), but baby wasn't going anywhere. Even after a cookie, a sip of DH's Pepsi, and laying on my side for a good 30 minutes, I wasn't getting much of anything. I was really starting to get scared. I then got a bit of ice cream and within minutes felt a familiar little bump. Hiccups. I cried because I was so relieved. She then started moving around and has been fairly active all day today.

~ For being able to plan. For once in my life, I was going to be okay with not having control over when baby came and with not knowing what was going to happen. But now we know that baby will be here in ten days or less. I will not be going past my due date. I will not be delivering in August. Yes, I could still very easily go into labor before the scheduled C-section, but I'm okay with that. At least we have a deadline. We KNOW we will be parents on or before July 29th. We know all our work HAS to be done before July 29th.

~ For our friends. I don't know what I can say about them. They love us and our baby and want the best for all of us. My quantity of close friends may be small, but the quality is grand. I also pride myself on trying to be nice to everyone and through this have gained a lot of great people in my life. To all of you who have supported me and been there--thank you.

~ For our families. Both sets of families already love this little girl immensely. I know she's going to be surrounded by love the second she enters this world. I know many people who don't have the support of a family around them and I realize how incredibly blessed all three of us are.

~ For my husband. He has been incredible over the last 9 months, the last 3 years of marriage, and the last 7.5 years we've been together. He is my best friend, my partner in life. He is my rock. I look forward to taking this next step with him and making him a daddy.

The Story of the Version

I want to make sure to get this documented before I block some part of it out.


DH and I were out late the night before at a concert (and then sitting in the parking garage for another 40 minutes)--we didn't get home until almost 1 a.m. We set the alarm for 6:30 and went to sleep (after I got a bit of a snack...not supposed to eat after midnight, but I figured 12:45 would be okay).


Woke up at 6:30, showered (DH ate breakfast while I was showering so I didn't have to watch him eat), packed up the last of our things (we packed up just in case we might need to stay since there was a small possibility of placental abruption or a rupturing of membranes that would necessitate an emergency C-section), and headed out the door at 7:30. We arrived in Labor & Delivery at 8:10, got called back to start filling out paperwork at 8:15, then were finally done with that at 8:30. They took us back to the L&D recovery area and had me change into a hospital gown (that only tied at one place in the back...talk about breezy!).


DH met the nurse and when I was done changing, I came out and laid in the bed. They put a monitor on the baby and took my blood pressure. It was 135/69, which was fairly high for me. They said, though, that the upper number is the one that increases temporarily and isn't of concern to be a bit elevated, especially considering the situation! The bottom number was fine and baby's heartbeat seemed fine (stayed right around 140 most of the day).


At this point, another nurse came in and said that my doctor wanted me in a room with an ultrasound machine. They gave me the option of walking to another room or they said they could wheel me. I chose to be wheeled--why not? They pushed me down the hall and into another area of L&D (I think it might have been triage?). While in the hall, there was a bit of confusion about which room to put me in. My nurse also asked why we were doing the version that day and seemed to think we were having a baby that day...it got me so upset that I eventually started crying, thinking that maybe we had made a wrong decision or something. DH came over and made me feel better--I felt like such a fool laying on a bed in the hallway of L&D, sobbing.


Eventually the room situation got figured out and I was put in room 629. They attached the monitor to the baby again--she was remarkably active for not having had any food yet that day! The nurse, Charissa, then needed to get my IV hooked up. I guess they get an IV with fluids started just case something should go wrong--this way the IV is already inserted and they can just put a drug through it. She decided that the best vein to try would be one on the inside of my forearm. The needle went in easily, then there was obviously a problem--a blown vein. This made me a bit nervous, but she was reassuring that it was fairly normal and nothing to worry about. I do have a heck of a bruise there today, though.

For the second try, Charissa tried a vein on the side of my wrist. It was successful, but a bit more uncomfortable.

We had some questions to answer about my medical history--hoping that means we don't have to go through them again when we go back. At some point, the resident that was going to be assisting came in to chat for a couple of seconds. It felt like I was lying in that bed for a very long time before we could start the procedure.

My doctor came back soon after that and talked through the procedure again. She asked the nurse to give me the shot of terbutaline to relax my uterus. After a couple of minutes, the resident came back in the room, they dimmed the lights, and put the ultrasound goo on my belly.

The doctor verified which direction baby was facing (toward my right side) and told the resident they were going to try to roll her forward. She stood on my right side and the resident stood on my left. They both started pushing, trying to rotate the baby. I really thought they were making progress, as they both were shifting where they were pushing. After a couple of pushes, my doctor checked the baby's position via ultrasound, then went back to pushing. The pain was excruciating. During one push, it felt like I was getting some sort of a burn on the underside of my belly from the latex gloves and I requested more ultrasound gel there. It helped some. During the last few pushes, I was gripping the rails on the bed and I vaguely remember letting out some moans. I knew, though, in my heart, that this was the best choice for both me and the baby.

After 25 minutes of pushing (and the resident putting her entire body weight onto my belly--DH kept watching the fact that her feet were leaving the floor because he couldn't bear to watch me), my doctor called it quits. I didn't realize how long it had been and wondered why they were stopping so quickly (they had said they would try for 10-15 minutes). My doctor and the resident both apologized. I cried a little bit...but mostly from the pain.

The nurse returned and put baby back on the NST and put me on a contraction monitor. DH came over and held my hand and talked to me for a bit. After the nurse left, I told DH to go out in the hall and call our moms since they were both waiting anxiously for updates. After he talked to them, he came back in and we sat and chatted. The nurse returned and told me that I'd had three contractions, but they weren't anything too big. The baby, however, didn't seem to be as responsive as they were wanting. I told the nurse that it's got to be hard to get the energy to move around when she hadn't eaten in almost 12 hours, so she suggested I go empty my bladder, then went and got me some apple juice, graham crackers, and peanut butter. DH helped me to the bathroom, which was a very painful walk, but I was able to easily pee and by the time we were done, she returned with the snacks. The nurse left again and DH put the peanut butter on the graham crackers for me, then watched the NST and contraction monitors, waiting to see what happened. I could feel that baby started moving right away after I ate something, so I knew that was good news.

Eventually the nurse came back in and told us that everything looked good. I asked her if she knew when she'd be working the week of July 27th since I really liked her. Unfortunately, she only works Monday, Tuesday, and Saturday that week, which means I most likely won't see her at all. She said she needed to go discharge a patient, but wished us well. Another set of nurses (one student and one licensed) came in to pull the IV and get us ready to go. Once the IV was out, DH helped me get changed and we were out of there.

We left the hospital and went to get a fantastic croissant for what was supposed to be breakfast...but it was 11:30!!! We then came home, ordered some Donato's, and I napped on the couch for most of the afternoon. The sorest part of my body was, by far, the underside of my belly where I do have some burn from the gloves. I had a hard time sitting upright and was SO glad for our new reclining couches!

Today I'm feeling better, but am more sore in the upper part of my belly from all the pushing (feels like I did way too many sit-ups). I can sit up for short amounts of time, but am mostly reclined on the sofa. I plan to return to work tomorrow.

Our C-section is now scheduled for July 29th (which, when the doctor told me that, I thought it was fitting we were in room 29...and sort of knew it was meant to be).

My bo.obs

Never before did I think I'd be sharing my thoughts with, essentially, the world about my bo.obs...but here I am.

Waaaay back in the early 2nd trimester I had some nip.ple soreness. Not a big deal and completely normal. I was happy to have the symptom, as many of my pregnancy symptoms had been fairly mild. It didn't last long, but at least it was something :)

Fast forward to this past Saturday. The nip.ple soreness was back. Again, not horribly painful...just there. Unlike earlier in my pregnancy, though, the discomfort persisted throughout the entire day and into the next morning. I had read plenty of books that said leaking colostrum would be a normal end-of-pregnancy symptom, but it mentioned nothing of pain (unless I had blocked it out). I checked for leakage a couple of times throughout the day and saw nothing.

I began to wonder if this was normal and if it would last through the remainder of my pregnancy. I then posted a message to my favorite women asking if it was normal and, after posting, thought I'd check again for leakage. I looked down at the nipple that was achy and saw that yes, there was actual fluid there. Wow! They aren't broken (well, at least the left one isn't...)! I decided that DH needed to see, but he was out in the car in the driveway installing the carseat base, so I used the remote for the other car to make it honk the horn and then beckoned him to come inside. He obliged and I showed off my body's newest trick. He, of course, was amazed. Or grossed out. I couldn't tell which in the moment.

I went back to the computer and posted again to report back on my newest findings. As I was writing, I realized...holy crap, that means that my body really is preparing to have a baby. Wow. The ladies confirmed that I was normal (and lucky that the colostrum hadn't begun leaking until now) and that, yes, I am having a baby. :) They also suggested I start wearing a nursing bra or something equally supportive. I haven't invested in any nursing bras that fit me now (assuming my brea.sts would grow as the milk comes in), so I settled on a low-quality sports bra for sleeping last night. It did help the discomfort, but felt really weird sleeping with a bra on!

This morning I woke up with some discomfort in my right nip.ple and when I went to get in the shower, there was a teeny bit of colostrum, there, too (after a little squeeze). So now I sit at work, paranoid that I'm going to start gushing at any moment...but of course haven't done anything about it.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the most recent report on the status of my boo.bs. More at 11.

I don't want to forget...

I'm quickly realizing that this is all coming to an end. I have loved every moment of being pregnant and don't want it to be over. This morning, like almost every morning, something happened that I want to remember forever. DH always gets up first in the morning, gets in the shower, then comes and wakes me up. For the past few weeks, he's been waking me up, but then rubbing my belly and telling the baby good morning. It's the sweetest thing...something I never want to forget.

For a long time, he wasn't bonding with my belly the way I wanted him to. I knew he was feeling a bit left out while I was enjoying feeling her move around in there and I really just wanted him to sit and enjoy it as well, but have found that he doesn't have the patience to just sit with his hand on my belly very often and wait for her to move. So when he does, it's a beautiful thing. I've told him multiple times how big her movements have gotten--to the point where it almost hurts--but it's like he doesn't believe me until he feels it himself. It's magical to watch his eyes get big and to hear him ask the baby what she's doing in there. He's finally bonding with my belly the way I wanted him to--he just needed to do it in his own time.

Baby Girl and Her Hiccups

When I started feeling the baby's hiccups, I remember thinking that she didn't really get them all that often. It was happening maybe once a week or so. Now, however, Miss P has been getting the hiccups at least 3-4 times a day. It's only 3:37 and she's on her fourth bout of hiccups today. I hear that it translates out of the womb as well, so that will be interesting. The problem is, right now it does wake her up when she's got the hiccups--she starts moving around whenever she gets them (not that I'm complaining!!). I just hope her hiccups don't wake her once she's on the outside!

No More Room at the Inn

I'm guessing most of you mommies out there are assuming I'm talking about that uncomfortable over-stretched feeling that many pregnant women have around 36 1/2 weeks of pregnancy, but I'm here to prove you wrong. I'm actually feeling okay in that department. My concern today is about my clothing. As I've told people before, I wonder some days if I'm carrying a child in each thigh. They've swollen like they have in the past when I've gained weight, which makes sense, but that means I'm outgrowing many of my pairs of maternity pants--not because of the baby bump (which still seems fairly small for being in the last month of pregnancy), but because of the thighs.

I'm currently sitting in my desk chair, wishing I could just de-pants myself and sit around in my underwear (which currently like to hide under my belly). The thighs of my pants have gotten incredibly uncomfortable by the end of the day--so much so that the first thing I do when I walk in the door at home is to take them off.

Most other people would probably consider a skirt or dress as an alternative, but the problem with those is that my thighs then rub together. I've gotten a product called Body Glide, which helps a lot with the chafing effect caused by the rubbing, but it doesn't help with the self-consciousness that I arises when I feel them rubbing together. So I wear gauchos a LOT and end up wearing cut-off sweatpants or men's exercise shorts around the house. It's not pretty, but I've gotta do what I gotta do, you know?

A Little in Shock

This post may end up being more rambling than I intend. I'll try to go back and clean it up, but need to get out all these thoughts and everything...

Had our 36 week appointment today. Gained only 0.1 pounds. Woot! No, I am NOT actively trying not to gain...in fact, I ate like crazy this past week. Just was hoping for one appt. where I didn't gain a ridiculous amount of weight :)

BP a little higher than it has been, but nothing to freak out about--it's actually around what mine was when I was on my allergy meds (the decongestant can increase BP). It was 128/78, I believe. No worries there.

Doctor felt the outside of my belly--baby still felt head-up, fundal length seemed fine (she didn't tell me what it was, but would have said if there had been concern). All good!

Did the internal check. One centimeter dilated and cervix is soft. Holy hell. Wow. Just stunned--was pretty sure I wouldn't have any sort of progress whatsoever. As she's rooting around in there, she apparently feels something interesting. She tells me there's a presenting body part and she isn't completely confident that it isn't the head. I didn't notice the baby flipping, but I suppose it was possible... So she gets the portable ultrasound machine, sticks the wand on my belly up at the top and, sure enough, there is baby's head. So apparently she has a fairly hard butt and it's getting settled into my pelvis some. *sigh*

We then talked about all the possibilities and got more information about the version.

Possibility #1: Version works. Baby turns. Then we just wait to go into labor.
Possibility #2: Version does or doesn't work but we have some sort of complication while there. We then go in for an emergency C-section and have a baby on July 15th.
Possibility #3: Version doesn't work. Baby still breech. The C-section will take place sometime the beginning of the week of July 27th.

Although there are only three possible scenarios, my head is spinning with each one of them. They are just so very different.

As far as the external version goes, we'll report around 8ish (they said we didn't need to show up early, but the doctor said we might want to...). I won't have eaten anything after midnight in case we do need an emergency C-section. They will give me an IV with the ter.butaline to relax my uterus and put a monitor on the baby and check her position with an ultrasound to determine the best way to try to turn her. Then the doctor and an assistant will try to turn her. She said the procedure itself wouldn't last that long--if she's going to turn, she'll turn within 10 or 15 minutes. If she turns, great. From what I've read, I should go take a walk to get her settled down into my pelvis. If not, we'll schedule the C-section right there.

Needless to say, I'm scared. Not about my health or the health of the baby...I know everyone will do everything they can to preserve both of us. It's not like a breech baby is a death sentence these days. I'm just scared of the uncertainty that lies before us. If she were head-down, there would be uncertainty, but mostly centered around when she'll make her grand arrival.

So please continue to keep us (baby, DH, and me) in your prayers--we'd really appreciate it.