Facing the past

I am really starting to stress out about this weekend. This Saturday is my 10-year class reunion and I'm beginning to think about bailing on it. I don't know why I felt the need to see all these people again. The last time I saw them, I wasn't eating and was 150 pounds. Look at the ticker. While I know I'm doing GREAT, these people didn't see me at 274. They last saw me at 150. So while I'm living in the world of having lost 66 pounds, they'll look at me and see that I've gained 55. *sigh* I know a lot of people say that most won't be judgmental, but it doesn't matter much to me. It still stresses me out.

And then there's the fact that I'll get to have that horribly awkward interaction with my HS sweetheart. The way that relationship ended sucked and I still really regret everything that happened with him and miss him. No, not in the way that I would want to be with him again...but sometimes I think that if I hadn't cheated we would've ended up going to this reunion together. We were good together. Most people would tell me that I would've have cheated if there wasn't something wrong. That may be true, but even now, 9 years later, I can't come up with a real reason why I cheated besides the fact that he was far away. He was at a different university, minding his own business, doing his thing, staying faithful...and I wasn't. It was probably b/c of my low self-esteem, not that that's a real excuse. The thing we didn't have in common was my involvement in music--he was an athlete...and I cheated with someone who shared in my musicianship. So maybe that was it? I don't know...but I've kept up on him through Facebook and MySpace. He seems happy and I'm truly happy for him. I'm happy in my life, he's happy in his. So why should I see him again? Why even put myself (and my DH) through that stress? I'm still bouncing that thought around--do I really want to go to this? Why spend the $50 to go and be slightly miserable? My friends H and L will be there, but H has other friends she'll hang out with. Which will leave me and L. It'll be weird. And awkward. And unnecessarily stressful. So why am I doing this?