Last night I start reading Good Enough Is the New Perfect* and the first chapter was talking about priorities and that we need to decide what our priorities are so we can decide what we can let go by the wayside. I know already that I am a Never Enough, which means that I keep trying and trying and it's never good enough for me. I made Baby Girl's food, nursed until TBD, don't feed her sweet, limit her TV-watching, etc. And I still think "I should feed her more organic" or "she loves Spongebob far too much"--it's never good enough for me. Other people look at her and think she's wonderful and perfect but, for me, perfect seems unattainable.
And it's driving me crazy.
I know, logically, that no one can be perfect. But in my head I think, "but maybe I can" or "I'm going to keep trying". It's driving me crazy, though, beating myself up for any little thing. I second-guessed myself for days when I took a Benadryl (a does is two pills and I only took one) before bed last week. I beat myself up for not getting Baby Girl Stride Rites and putting her in shoes from JCPenney that are too big so she can wear them longer (and yet, I still did it...). I kick myself for not bringing unsweetened applesauce because my mother-in-law only got the sweetened stuff.
I know, logically, that sweetened applesauce for a weekend, wearing good--but not the best--shoes, and taking a Benadryl a full 22 hours before nursing Baby Girl again are NOT going to kill her. But how badly will they hurt her? How badly have I messed her up down the road? How much therapy is she going to need to get over the things I still haven't done?
Yep, I know. I'm neurotic. And the worst problem is that I worry like this about everything. I spent too much at the grocery store. I slept in too long and am going to make The Hubby late for work. I didn't exercise and feel like a blob. I haven't emailed that friend in 3 days--what a horrible person. I'm constantly criticizing myself and I need to find a way to stop.
And that is why I've ordered this book and started to read it. The problem is, I don't know what my priorities are to be able to determine what to let go. This is what I'm going to be working on this week. Unfortunately, I don't know where to start. I start a list, then get all nit-picky and can't determine how big or small it should be. Should it be "Keeping Baby Girl healthy", "Teaching Baby Girl to eat healthy" or "Making sure Baby Girl doesn't have sugar" (and one for each food I don't like her to have)? Should it be "Saving money" or "Saving enough to do XX"? How specific do these need to be?
Yep. I'm neurotic.
* Just days apart I received this book as well as Two Kisses for Maddie, which I have been dying to read. I started Good Enough Is the New Perfect, thinking that Two Kisses for Maddie might give me nightmares to wake up in a cold sweat at 4:15 from the more horrific nightmare I've ever had and never get back to sleep before The Hubby's alarm went off at 6:00. So much for that!
5 comments:
Oh my goodness, Allison. Just reading this post made my head spin! You are raising such a beautiful, wonderful baby girl, and the little details really don't matter! But, you're neurotic, so you just asked "What are LITTLE details?" I just adore you. :)
I love the idea of doing this. If it were me, I think I'd make two separate lists: Big Picture Priorities, and Day-to-Day Priorities. For me, that would probably be the easiest way to break it down into something I could actually manage.
Good luck, and I hope you write about how this works for you!
Ditto Cassie on the head spinning. But I've also been there before and will be there again, I'm sure. I really hope this book shines some light on things for you because it's no fun to be stuck in that spiral of worry and stress and doubt.
I don't think the biggest problem is priorities. I think the biggest problem is a general feeling that you think you can control everything - exactly how your daughter's life turns out, etc etc. Priorities are saying what you want to control the most, its not admitting that you don't control the vast majority of things, which is really I think what you need the most.
I hope I didn't make you feel overly critizied when I made the comment on Friday about how you were pickier than I am. It was supposed to be a jab at how awful I was at finding daycare.
I don't think you are neurotic...I think you are a mom. I think that somewhere between birth and motherhood we got our wires mixed up and have been programed to feel unworthy, to attempt to attain the unattainable possibly the unhelathy life that we "think" we need. I know that it's the pot calling the kettle black but don't beat yourself up, you are a FANTASTIC momma!! I keep reminding myself that it will most likely be the things I don't even remember that the kids will say "Mom remember when you did that...that's what sent me to therapy!" :) Hang in there.
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