I want to apologize up front for the spastic nature of this post. I'm feeling very emotionally overwhelmed right now and need to get some feelings out. I feel like my friends are probably tired of hearing me stress about all of this, so I'm posting here.
As I mentioned in my 38 week update post, there are plans in place for a C-section on April 27th (one week from today--thus, the title of this post). I, however, feel in my heart that I'm not ready to give in and have a C-section that day unless my doctor thinks it's medically necessary. I'll re-assess this on Tuesday after my doctor checks me for progress; if I'm still "closed up tight" I think we'll have some serious decisions to make, but if I'm starting to dilate, I think we'll go another week.
The problem is, I don't feel like I have the support of the people closest to me. My in-laws are planning their lives as if this baby is coming on the 27th. My mom doesn't seem to understand why having a vaginal birth is so important to me. My husband doesn't really think a vaginal birth is in the cards for us. This last one is the part that is so painful for me.
We talked about it this morning in the car. Because our doctor wanted to schedule a C-section and seemed very pessimistic as of our 37 week appointment about our VBAC opportunities, The Hubby accepted her word as gold. This past week, though, I felt like she was a little more optimistic since my cervix did start to soften some. I've also been feeling more optimistic based on some things I've read online--that it's really not that late for me to be dilating, that only 5% of babies never turn from sunny side up, although up to 30% are in that position at the beginning of labor--not to mention the fact that I've been feeling crampy, like maybe something is happening in there. I told The Hubby that I was thinking that we'd probably cancel the C-section and he told me that he would support me in *my* decision. The problem is, I want this to be *our* decision. I don't want to be the one dictating everything.
I asked him if he had confidence that my body could deliver this baby vaginally and he was really unsure. He said that based on the doctor's opinion, he didn't think it would happen. I told him that I needed him to believe in me and my body and that we could do this or else I won't have to strength to make it through the labor that may be coming. That's when he told me that he didn't think he could change his gut feeling.
We rode in silence for awhile and didn't really talk about it more before getting to work. I just want to have my husband completely with me. I don't want to feel like I'm pushing against him, or even just making the decisions on my own. At this time, I need him WITH ME. I'm already doubting my body's abilities enough--I need someone else in my corner who believes in me, my body, and this baby. It doesn't seem like that person is going to be my husband. I don't think he is fighting against me, but I also think he doesn't have any confidence that we'll get a VBAC and therefore just wants to take the scheduled C-section. He told me that we can always reschedule it if I wanted to give my body the chance to make progress, but it definitely made me feel like he was just saying what I wanted to hear and that he was pretty sure the end result would be the same.
The whole conversation was really disheartening, to say the least. I'm doubting my ability to birth a child and I don't have anyone who fully believes that I can do this--at least no one that's going to be in that delivery room. How hurtful.
I want to do an entire post about the emotional aspects of my C-section and the impact it's now making on my hopes for a VBAC, but am not sure I can find the words. I'm going to leave you all with someone else's words (sent to me by a friend) that I hope help explain at least some of the emotions that I'm feeling right now: Do you write a scheduled c-section birth story? Hopefully at some point I can find my own words to express the same ideas and incorporate it into how this impacts my hope for a VBAC.
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