I want to apologize up front for the spastic nature of this post. I'm feeling very emotionally overwhelmed right now and need to get some feelings out. I feel like my friends are probably tired of hearing me stress about all of this, so I'm posting here.
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As I mentioned in my 38 week update post, there are plans in place for a C-section on April 27th (one week from today--thus, the title of this post). I, however, feel in my heart that I'm not ready to give in and have a C-section that day unless my doctor thinks it's medically necessary. I'll re-assess this on Tuesday after my doctor checks me for progress; if I'm still "closed up tight" I think we'll have some serious decisions to make, but if I'm starting to dilate, I think we'll go another week.
The problem is, I don't feel like I have the support of the people closest to me. My in-laws are planning their lives as if this baby is coming on the 27th. My mom doesn't seem to understand why having a vaginal birth is so important to me. My husband doesn't really think a vaginal birth is in the cards for us. This last one is the part that is so painful for me.
We talked about it this morning in the car. Because our doctor wanted to schedule a C-section and seemed very pessimistic as of our 37 week appointment about our VBAC opportunities, The Hubby accepted her word as gold. This past week, though, I felt like she was a little more optimistic since my cervix did start to soften some. I've also been feeling more optimistic based on some things I've read online--that it's really not that late for me to be dilating, that only 5% of babies never turn from sunny side up, although up to 30% are in that position at the beginning of labor--not to mention the fact that I've been feeling crampy, like maybe something is happening in there. I told The Hubby that I was thinking that we'd probably cancel the C-section and he told me that he would support me in *my* decision. The problem is, I want this to be *our* decision. I don't want to be the one dictating everything.
I asked him if he had confidence that my body could deliver this baby vaginally and he was really unsure. He said that based on the doctor's opinion, he didn't think it would happen. I told him that I needed him to believe in me and my body and that we could do this or else I won't have to strength to make it through the labor that may be coming. That's when he told me that he didn't think he could change his gut feeling.
We rode in silence for awhile and didn't really talk about it more before getting to work. I just want to have my husband completely with me. I don't want to feel like I'm pushing against him, or even just making the decisions on my own. At this time, I need him WITH ME. I'm already doubting my body's abilities enough--I need someone else in my corner who believes in me, my body, and this baby. It doesn't seem like that person is going to be my husband. I don't think he is fighting against me, but I also think he doesn't have any confidence that we'll get a VBAC and therefore just wants to take the scheduled C-section. He told me that we can always reschedule it if I wanted to give my body the chance to make progress, but it definitely made me feel like he was just saying what I wanted to hear and that he was pretty sure the end result would be the same.
The whole conversation was really disheartening, to say the least. I'm doubting my ability to birth a child and I don't have anyone who fully believes that I can do this--at least no one that's going to be in that delivery room. How hurtful.
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I want to do an entire post about the emotional aspects of my C-section and the impact it's now making on my hopes for a VBAC, but am not sure I can find the words. I'm going to leave you all with someone else's words (sent to me by a friend) that I hope help explain at least some of the emotions that I'm feeling right now: Do you write a scheduled c-section birth story? Hopefully at some point I can find my own words to express the same ideas and incorporate it into how this impacts my hope for a VBAC.
5 comments:
Shame on your doctor for getting everyone all worked up at 37 freakin' weeks. You have PLENTY of time to go into labor on your own. It's not like your C-section with Baby Girl was for any reason other than she was breech. There is absolutely no reason to think that your body WON"T go into labor on it's own by 42 weeks. My OB told me if we didn't induce that I had an almost guarantee of going by 42 weeks, statisticly. That didn't guarantee me a vaginal delivery, but it would've probably avoided induction. I'm glad we induced in hindsight because of the shoulder thing, but I was very torn, even until that day. But I just wanted to say that I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with giving your body every chance before you schedule. Due dates are a guess anyway. And like I've told you before...I dilated early but hardly at all with Aidan and I didn't do it until at least where you are with Eli and I still wasn't very far. Do what you need to do to have peace with this -- it's YOUR body and YOUR labor in the end. Much love and prayers coming your way!
I am not going to tell you I know how you feel, because clearly I have not been in your position, but I do sympathize with pretty much everything you have been talking about recently. I read the blog post when you posted it on the message board, and while I have not had a c-section, it makes a lot of sense to me. It makes more sense to me that it would be emotionally difficult than when I hear other woman talking about their c-sections as if they were no big deal. It is a big deal. So, I guess I am saying I feel ya and wish I could do something to help.
I also empathize when it comes to feeling alone in making birth decisions. DH sort of did this to me with the decision about whether to induce as the Drs wanted or give it more time - why do men just want to leave it up to us when its OUR child and OUR family?
I really hope that at your upcoming appt you have made progress, and that the Dr changing her tune a bit helps your DH to change his mind a bit. Sometimes men are so clueless.
Nothing I have written sounds right. I have erased a million times.
Whateve you need, even if its a birth coach, let me know. I promiss not to peek below the sheet.
I've been trying to think of how to respond to this post since you posted it on Friday afternoon. So here's my best shot.
I know I've been one of those people who keeps saying, "As long as he's here and he's healthy, that's all that matters," and if you have ever taken any offense to that at all I am so, so sorry. I've only been saying that because it is 100% what I believe. I know there's much more involved, though.
We've talked about my feelings on my C-sections before, so I won't go into all of that again. You know how I felt about them, and how having a VBAC wasn't important to me, and giving birth naturally didn't feel like a loss. So in THAT sense, I guess, I can't relate to how you're feeling -- because I didn't feel that way.
HOWEVER. Just because I can't relate doesn't mean I don't RESPECT AND VALUE your opinions on it and the emotions that are involved. I want this so badly for you, Allison, and I truly believe in your ability to do it. I KNOW that you can. The only reason you had a C-section with E was because she was breech, sooooo....since baby boy's already in the go position, I can't see a reason why you WOULDN'T be able to deliver vaginally. I have complete confidence and faith in the fact that you can, and WILL, deliver that boy exactly how you want to.
It hurts my heart that the people closest to you aren't giving you that support. It bothers me so much. I don't really know what to say about it, actually, because I still can't believe it. I'm sure it's adding so much more stress to an already stressful time, and I just hate that for you.
I can't really offer you much, except my love and support, and you absolutely have that. I am 1000% in your corner.
I could have written this same post three and a half months ago. I think it was more mentally exhausting trying to figure out whether to pursue a RCS or VBAC, than it was getting over my first emergency c/s.
I ultimately had a huge emotional breakdown with DH after a comment he made that led me to believe he didn't support or understand a VBAC. After that complete sobfest, he got it. He could see how important it was for me to have a CHOICE in my birthing experience. And he supported me wholeheartedly from then on out. My mom was another one that I had to have a serious talk to because her comments were bothering me. I ultimately, told her to butt out and not bring up the topic of c/s or VBACs with me. She complied and everything was much better.
I don't envy where you are in this. It caused me so much stress. Ultimately I was pleased with how my RCS went but I'll always still be sad that I never pushed my baby out. But what helped me was talking to women who did push their babies out but were also sad about certain aspects of their deliveries.
Hang in there, you're so close!
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