I am really starting to stress out about this weekend. This Saturday is my 10-year class reunion and I'm beginning to think about bailing on it. I don't know why I felt the need to see all these people again. The last time I saw them, I wasn't eating and was 150 pounds. Look at the ticker. While I know I'm doing GREAT, these people didn't see me at 274. They last saw me at 150. So while I'm living in the world of having lost 66 pounds, they'll look at me and see that I've gained 55. *sigh* I know a lot of people say that most won't be judgmental, but it doesn't matter much to me. It still stresses me out.
And then there's the fact that I'll get to have that horribly awkward interaction with my HS sweetheart. The way that relationship ended sucked and I still really regret everything that happened with him and miss him. No, not in the way that I would want to be with him again...but sometimes I think that if I hadn't cheated we would've ended up going to this reunion together. We were good together. Most people would tell me that I would've have cheated if there wasn't something wrong. That may be true, but even now, 9 years later, I can't come up with a real reason why I cheated besides the fact that he was far away. He was at a different university, minding his own business, doing his thing, staying faithful...and I wasn't. It was probably b/c of my low self-esteem, not that that's a real excuse. The thing we didn't have in common was my involvement in music--he was an athlete...and I cheated with someone who shared in my musicianship. So maybe that was it? I don't know...but I've kept up on him through Facebook and MySpace. He seems happy and I'm truly happy for him. I'm happy in my life, he's happy in his. So why should I see him again? Why even put myself (and my DH) through that stress? I'm still bouncing that thought around--do I really want to go to this? Why spend the $50 to go and be slightly miserable? My friends H and L will be there, but H has other friends she'll hang out with. Which will leave me and L. It'll be weird. And awkward. And unnecessarily stressful. So why am I doing this?
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Two years ago today
we were married! Today is our 2nd anniversary and it actually hasn't been horrible. Yes, we're both sick, but because of being sick, we've spent the day together! No great plans, which is fine with me. We'll plan on going out to dinner somewhere nice to celebrate once we're feeling better, but for now we're sitting around playing Wii games and having Bob Evans for dinner (and Subway for lunch). lol
The past two years have been great and I can only imagine what the future will bring for us!
On a MAB note, I think I'm going to get a peak on the CBEFM tomorrow morning, so we'll definitely be trying tonight. Wouldn't it be neat to know we conceived on our anniversary? Of course, then there's the realization that our child would have about 13 years down the road...wait...9 months before my birthday is...my parents' anniversary?!??!! lol Oh well, s/he'll survive!!!
The past two years have been great and I can only imagine what the future will bring for us!
On a MAB note, I think I'm going to get a peak on the CBEFM tomorrow morning, so we'll definitely be trying tonight. Wouldn't it be neat to know we conceived on our anniversary? Of course, then there's the realization that our child would have about 13 years down the road...wait...9 months before my birthday is...my parents' anniversary?!??!! lol Oh well, s/he'll survive!!!
Who is this couple?
DH and I do NOT spend money on a whim. We're typically very conservative about it. Well, yesterday we went to Best Buy to pick up MarioKart for Wii (a planned purchase...I just happened to find it available) and ended up spending an extra $170 on Rock Band for Wii! We were told we could return it within 30 days and figured if we left it there, we'd never find it if we wanted it. So we now have lots of new Wii games within just a few days... We also got Wii Fit on Saturday! Oh well--we have the money...just wasn't particularly budgeted. We looked at each other and said "happy anniversary". It's the cotton anniversary...I can't come up with a way to make this fit the tradition, but oh well--I think I'd rather buy something for us that we'd both enjoy than try to buy something for each other. As a side note....we are LOVING all of our new games! They've been great to keep us occupied while we've been home sick.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sick and sore
And no, neither of these is a result of MAB!
DH has had a cold since last Sunday and I started coming down with it on Friday--as of today, it's officially here. I feel pretty crappy, but actually better right now than yesterday when everything was just running down my throat. I'm still headed home from work once this training is over to get some rest.
And the soreness is because of the moving on Saturday. We helped friends move from their THIRD story apartment into their new house and my legs currently hurt worse than I think they ever have! Ugh. I'm pathetic-looking...can't even go up and down curbs without wincing.
Both of these may hinder the efforts to MAB, but we're still going to give it the old college try. ;)
DH has had a cold since last Sunday and I started coming down with it on Friday--as of today, it's officially here. I feel pretty crappy, but actually better right now than yesterday when everything was just running down my throat. I'm still headed home from work once this training is over to get some rest.
And the soreness is because of the moving on Saturday. We helped friends move from their THIRD story apartment into their new house and my legs currently hurt worse than I think they ever have! Ugh. I'm pathetic-looking...can't even go up and down curbs without wincing.
Both of these may hinder the efforts to MAB, but we're still going to give it the old college try. ;)
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Illness
I'm a person who HATES to be sick. Hate it. Maybe because I've had allergies all my life (so it seems...guess it's only been 22 or so years of my life....), but I hate blowing my nose, coughing, snotting, etc. So when DH said his throat was getting scratchy on Saturday, I tried to do what I could to make sure we didn't get sick. We didn't sleep quite as much as we should have, but I thought we did a fairly good job. Well, I guess not because he got sick. He's been home sick this whole week so far. Yesterday one of his eyes got really red and got me really concerned, so I sent him to the doctor today. He was diagnosed with viral pink eye that could turn bacterial, so they prescribed him an antibiotic that he can take if his eye starts to produce pus. So, knowing how contagious pink eye is, I'm planning on washing down every single thing in our house--twice! Ugh. His eye looks better today, so I'm hoping it's clearing itself up and doesn't start to pus. If it does.....ugh....bad news.
Have I mentioned that we're helping friends move this weekend? Yeah, bad time to be sick. So I'm REALLY hoping not to get sick (of any kind--DH has a cold AND pink eye!) before then. I'll be chugging the Airborne and getting tons of sleep just in case!!!!
Oh, and I forgot to mention what a kink this throws in our MAB plans. I got a High reading on the CPEFM this morning, which means I could O anytime in the next few days (which I doubt...it'll probably be more like 7 or 8 days!)...which means we need to get to BDing! Right, with him coughing in my face??!??!!
Have I mentioned that we're helping friends move this weekend? Yeah, bad time to be sick. So I'm REALLY hoping not to get sick (of any kind--DH has a cold AND pink eye!) before then. I'll be chugging the Airborne and getting tons of sleep just in case!!!!
Oh, and I forgot to mention what a kink this throws in our MAB plans. I got a High reading on the CPEFM this morning, which means I could O anytime in the next few days (which I doubt...it'll probably be more like 7 or 8 days!)...which means we need to get to BDing! Right, with him coughing in my face??!??!!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Exercise
Whenever I exercise, I go full throttle. I have a hard time not doing at least 45 minutes of cardio plus about an hour of lifting and I would go 5 days a week. But every time I jump into that, my weight loss stalls. So I'm trying to start slow. Last Wednesday night I told my WW leader that I was setting a goal to take a 1/2 hour walk every night that week. I walked Wednesday through Friday evenings, then didn't walk on Saturday (but we did work on the deck). Then I took a 1/2 hour bike ride with my mom on Sunday (which DH is letting me count as a walk). I went out last night and took a 30 minute walk by myself and will probably do the same tonight. That will make 6 of 7! Woohoo! To help inspire me, DH has given me a coupon booklet for a free massage if I take walks 6 of 7 nights Sunday through Saturday, too. So hopefully this will be the start of some motivation to get active (but not too active)! As long as I don't see a gain this Wednesday, I'll keep going, too. :D
Sorting through the schedule
Just have a lot to do in the next few weeks, so I need to sort through what and when, exactly, it's all happening...bear with me.
Tonight (CD 6): Scrapping date with a friend. Should be fun! Of course, I have nothing organized yet...but I'll come up with something to do! Must get DH off the couch (he's been home sick today and yesterday)
Tomorrow (CD 7): A.M. training. WW meeting in evening. DH wants to get yardwork done sometime--I'm guessing it'll be tomorrow night unless he's still feeling yucky.
Thursday (CD 8): Nothing particularly interesting during the day, but volunteering in the evening. Might need to pull things together for the weekend, depending on when DH wants to leave (He isn't sure if he wants to spend the night with a cat Friday night before we get up Saturday to move the friends. We didn't know when we agreed to go up Friday night that they have a cat. He's allergic and his allergies aren't a mere inconvenience. For him it means a pretty severe, constant asthma attack.)
Friday (CD 9): Performing my first training on the new system! Scary, but exciting at the same time. I'll have backup, which is good. And I already know the trainees, which is really good. Friday afternoon I'll be sitting through a training. In the morning DH is going to get allergy testing done. Then that evening we'll either be taking it easy and going to bed early or driving straight up from C-bus to Akron directly from work.
Saturday (CD 10): Maybe start BDing, just for the heck of it, in the morning. We'll see. ;) Only if we're still in C-bus, though. If we are, we'll be driving to Akron very early. Helping friends move all day long, then spending the night with them.
Sunday (CD 11): Driving back from Cleveland (where they're moving TO) and just relaxing to prep for the week ahead. Oh, and BD probably. :)
Monday (CD 12): Training in the morning. Not sure about the rest of the day.
Tuesday (CD 13): Our 2nd anniversary! Definitely BDing... :) Training in the afternoon.
Wednesday (CD 14): Training all flipping day. Ugh. Then book club that night! Woot! I'm always excited for book club. Must find energy & time for BDing. Will run and weigh-in right before I head to book club (so happy it's on my side of town this month!).
Thursday (CD 15): Anticipated O day. Finally get to see a part of the new system that I haven't seen yet. That should be a good day! Then training during the afternoon. Definitely BD.
Friday (CD 16): Training in morning. Maybe I'll take off the afternoon? Driving down to my parents' house that night and hanging out with my cousin and her DH.
Saturday (CD 17): My 10-year HS reunion. Oh crap--I need to put the check for that in the mail! Will do that tonight. Anyway, I imagine I'll spend the day with the parents then go to the reunion that night. Should be stressful.
Sunday (CD 18): Nada. Will head back home early afternoon to get settled in for another week.
Monday (CD 19): Training all flipping day again. Nothing in the evening.
Tuesday (CD 20): Afternoon training.
Wednesday (CD 21): WW in the evening, no SIL.
Thursday (CD 22): Volunteering
Friday-Sunday (CD 23-25): No work! Woot! DH and I will have to find something to do for the holiday weekend. We normally go to my parents' house, but since my dad will be gone for the weekend, I may suggest we go to his parents' house. Must avoid temptation to test.
Monday (CD 26): Nada. Maybe a painful meeting. May test. May not.
Tuesday (CD 27): Training in the afternoon. Again, may test, may not.
Wednesday (CD 28): Morning training. WW in evening. Definitely will test if AF isn't here by then.
----
The whole purpose of this exercise is to point out that I have very little planned during the 2ww, which is pretty frustrating. As much as I'm not horribly excited about being so busy in the next two weeks, at least being busy means I'm not focusing on MAB (making a baby...my own new acronym). *sigh* Note to self--must make plans for the weeks of June 30th and July 6th!!!
Tonight (CD 6): Scrapping date with a friend. Should be fun! Of course, I have nothing organized yet...but I'll come up with something to do! Must get DH off the couch (he's been home sick today and yesterday)
Tomorrow (CD 7): A.M. training. WW meeting in evening. DH wants to get yardwork done sometime--I'm guessing it'll be tomorrow night unless he's still feeling yucky.
Thursday (CD 8): Nothing particularly interesting during the day, but volunteering in the evening. Might need to pull things together for the weekend, depending on when DH wants to leave (He isn't sure if he wants to spend the night with a cat Friday night before we get up Saturday to move the friends. We didn't know when we agreed to go up Friday night that they have a cat. He's allergic and his allergies aren't a mere inconvenience. For him it means a pretty severe, constant asthma attack.)
Friday (CD 9): Performing my first training on the new system! Scary, but exciting at the same time. I'll have backup, which is good. And I already know the trainees, which is really good. Friday afternoon I'll be sitting through a training. In the morning DH is going to get allergy testing done. Then that evening we'll either be taking it easy and going to bed early or driving straight up from C-bus to Akron directly from work.
Saturday (CD 10): Maybe start BDing, just for the heck of it, in the morning. We'll see. ;) Only if we're still in C-bus, though. If we are, we'll be driving to Akron very early. Helping friends move all day long, then spending the night with them.
Sunday (CD 11): Driving back from Cleveland (where they're moving TO) and just relaxing to prep for the week ahead. Oh, and BD probably. :)
Monday (CD 12): Training in the morning. Not sure about the rest of the day.
Tuesday (CD 13): Our 2nd anniversary! Definitely BDing... :) Training in the afternoon.
Wednesday (CD 14): Training all flipping day. Ugh. Then book club that night! Woot! I'm always excited for book club. Must find energy & time for BDing. Will run and weigh-in right before I head to book club (so happy it's on my side of town this month!).
Thursday (CD 15): Anticipated O day. Finally get to see a part of the new system that I haven't seen yet. That should be a good day! Then training during the afternoon. Definitely BD.
Friday (CD 16): Training in morning. Maybe I'll take off the afternoon? Driving down to my parents' house that night and hanging out with my cousin and her DH.
Saturday (CD 17): My 10-year HS reunion. Oh crap--I need to put the check for that in the mail! Will do that tonight. Anyway, I imagine I'll spend the day with the parents then go to the reunion that night. Should be stressful.
Sunday (CD 18): Nada. Will head back home early afternoon to get settled in for another week.
Monday (CD 19): Training all flipping day again. Nothing in the evening.
Tuesday (CD 20): Afternoon training.
Wednesday (CD 21): WW in the evening, no SIL.
Thursday (CD 22): Volunteering
Friday-Sunday (CD 23-25): No work! Woot! DH and I will have to find something to do for the holiday weekend. We normally go to my parents' house, but since my dad will be gone for the weekend, I may suggest we go to his parents' house. Must avoid temptation to test.
Monday (CD 26): Nada. Maybe a painful meeting. May test. May not.
Tuesday (CD 27): Training in the afternoon. Again, may test, may not.
Wednesday (CD 28): Morning training. WW in evening. Definitely will test if AF isn't here by then.
----
The whole purpose of this exercise is to point out that I have very little planned during the 2ww, which is pretty frustrating. As much as I'm not horribly excited about being so busy in the next two weeks, at least being busy means I'm not focusing on MAB (making a baby...my own new acronym). *sigh* Note to self--must make plans for the weeks of June 30th and July 6th!!!
Monday, June 16, 2008
Planning
I'm so tired of being in my head right now. There are so many things I want to do "when I get pregnant" and I can't wait for that day to come! I think about how to tell our families...when to tell everyone else...all the planned events we have coming up and how far along I might be for them...how I want to start a new blog that will be more for our family and friends to keep them updated on the pregnancy (and not be quite so honest as I plan on keeping this one)...but there's one problem--I'm not pregnant! I mean, I'm still okay with not being pregnant, but I'm just tired of thinking about things I want to do once I am!
This time next week we'll be BDing our little hearts out, I think.
Started the CPEFM this morning since today is CD 6. POAS, inserted it, and it told me Low. Fine and dandy with me. I expect to keep getting Low until maybe next Tuesday or so. The booklet warns that I might get a High reading earlier than normal with it, but I would guess it won't be too terribly early. But we'll see. Once we get the High we'll start BDing, though! Of course, this is complicated by a couple of things: 1) DH is sick right now. I don't want to get it if it's a cold. If it's allergies we need to figure out what meds will help, but if it's a cold, I hope he gets over it soon and 2) We're helping friends move this weekend. It's going to be exhausting and even more so if I get the possible cold DH has. Bodies will be a little sore for BDing, but you'd better bet we'll still do it! (haha)
Lots of things going on in the next few weeks for us...will devote the next post to that--stay tuned!
This time next week we'll be BDing our little hearts out, I think.
Started the CPEFM this morning since today is CD 6. POAS, inserted it, and it told me Low. Fine and dandy with me. I expect to keep getting Low until maybe next Tuesday or so. The booklet warns that I might get a High reading earlier than normal with it, but I would guess it won't be too terribly early. But we'll see. Once we get the High we'll start BDing, though! Of course, this is complicated by a couple of things: 1) DH is sick right now. I don't want to get it if it's a cold. If it's allergies we need to figure out what meds will help, but if it's a cold, I hope he gets over it soon and 2) We're helping friends move this weekend. It's going to be exhausting and even more so if I get the possible cold DH has. Bodies will be a little sore for BDing, but you'd better bet we'll still do it! (haha)
Lots of things going on in the next few weeks for us...will devote the next post to that--stay tuned!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Moving forward
CD 1 of cycle #3.
And, surprisingly, I'm fine. I kind of just "knew" that last cycle wasn't it.
So new tactics (sort of) for this cycle. Starting using the CBEFM. Going to buy sticks for it tonight. Also think we'll invest in some PreSeed, which will simulate fertile CM, which I seem to be lacking.
Not sure if I'm going to continue to temp. It's sort of become an addiction for me, as I've been doing it for 6 cycles now and I find it really interesting how the temps act based on the time of the month. So I probably will--I can't really resist.
Going to try to relax more during the 2ww this cycle. That might mean finding extra stuff to do, even. Our weekends are really full. I'll probably O around June 25th or 26th (our anniversary is June 24th!), which means we'll be BDing starting Saturday or Sunday before (while we're helping friends move....). So from about the 26th or 27th on I want to keep myself busy. The weekend of the 27th we're going to my hometown for my 10 year class reunion. But that next week might be a little bit of hell for me, trying to keep busy, knowing it's a short week (we're out of work for the 4th on Friday).
I've set my goal to get below 200 pounds before July 4th. I really don't know if it's possible since that's less than a month away to lose 9 pounds. The way I've been losing I don't think I can do it, but I'm sure as hell going to try! I've been strict with my eating and will continue to do so, but haven't been exercising. I have a hard time taking it easy with the exercising--I typically either have to work out daily for 1-2 hours or I don't work out at all. But when I start suddenly working out that hard my body sort of freaks out and holds onto the pounds for weeks or months at a time. When I don't lose for a large amount of time, I have a hard time keeping up the exercise, especially with the heat of summer bearing down upon me. So I guess I just need to find something small that I can commit to. I'd love to commit to walking every night with DH for at least a half an hour. Wonder if I can get him to commit to that. We can start tonight. We'll get home from work around 4:30, fix our WW Chicken & Pineapple Stew for dinner, I'll head to my WW meeting at 6:25, go to CVS after WW at 7:30, get home around 8:30, go out for a walk, be ready for bed at 9:00. lol Guess that doesn't leave much time for actually getting stuff done around the house, does it? Oh well, there's always Friday night...lol And maybe we could take the niece for a walk tomorrow evening when we babysit?
Okay, I'm officially babbling. But I'm excited to make a plan--I want to commit to it. I'm posting it here so maybe someone out there in blogland will hold me accountable.
And, surprisingly, I'm fine. I kind of just "knew" that last cycle wasn't it.
So new tactics (sort of) for this cycle. Starting using the CBEFM. Going to buy sticks for it tonight. Also think we'll invest in some PreSeed, which will simulate fertile CM, which I seem to be lacking.
Not sure if I'm going to continue to temp. It's sort of become an addiction for me, as I've been doing it for 6 cycles now and I find it really interesting how the temps act based on the time of the month. So I probably will--I can't really resist.
Going to try to relax more during the 2ww this cycle. That might mean finding extra stuff to do, even. Our weekends are really full. I'll probably O around June 25th or 26th (our anniversary is June 24th!), which means we'll be BDing starting Saturday or Sunday before (while we're helping friends move....). So from about the 26th or 27th on I want to keep myself busy. The weekend of the 27th we're going to my hometown for my 10 year class reunion. But that next week might be a little bit of hell for me, trying to keep busy, knowing it's a short week (we're out of work for the 4th on Friday).
I've set my goal to get below 200 pounds before July 4th. I really don't know if it's possible since that's less than a month away to lose 9 pounds. The way I've been losing I don't think I can do it, but I'm sure as hell going to try! I've been strict with my eating and will continue to do so, but haven't been exercising. I have a hard time taking it easy with the exercising--I typically either have to work out daily for 1-2 hours or I don't work out at all. But when I start suddenly working out that hard my body sort of freaks out and holds onto the pounds for weeks or months at a time. When I don't lose for a large amount of time, I have a hard time keeping up the exercise, especially with the heat of summer bearing down upon me. So I guess I just need to find something small that I can commit to. I'd love to commit to walking every night with DH for at least a half an hour. Wonder if I can get him to commit to that. We can start tonight. We'll get home from work around 4:30, fix our WW Chicken & Pineapple Stew for dinner, I'll head to my WW meeting at 6:25, go to CVS after WW at 7:30, get home around 8:30, go out for a walk, be ready for bed at 9:00. lol Guess that doesn't leave much time for actually getting stuff done around the house, does it? Oh well, there's always Friday night...lol And maybe we could take the niece for a walk tomorrow evening when we babysit?
Okay, I'm officially babbling. But I'm excited to make a plan--I want to commit to it. I'm posting it here so maybe someone out there in blogland will hold me accountable.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I need more to read
Okay really, people...those of you with blogs...I need more to read, so y'all need to get writing!
Of course, this call isn't going to do much today since I doubt most people are going to write something up and publish it before 4. And then tomorrow and Thursday and busy days, so I won't have as much time to read...so, really, I just need something to read right now. :)
Of course, this call isn't going to do much today since I doubt most people are going to write something up and publish it before 4. And then tomorrow and Thursday and busy days, so I won't have as much time to read...so, really, I just need something to read right now. :)
Failure
I hold myself to really high standards most of the time and have a hard time accepting failure on my own part. I'm really disappointed and feel like there's something that I could and should have done better to allow us to get pg this month. Should I be miserable for the next few months and discontinue my Zyrtec D so that I actually have some CM? Should I have started eating the pineapple earlier? Should I have done a better job keeping my tummy warm?
I could sit and second-guess myself all damn day, but at the end of it all, I'll have the same result. I'm not pg and I need to pick my ass up and just move on. So that's what I'm going to do, starting now.
This morning I weighed myself in the basement, as I usually do. This is the same scale that read 274 back in the spring of 2005. And this morning I actually saw 208 on it. The lowest I'd seen before was 210. (the ticker in my blog is tracking my WW weight) So this has given me newfound hope that maybe, just maybe, I could get below 200 before getting pg. So I'm going to work even harder now. Of course, if I could just find the Wii Fit, it might help :)
And a friend gave me her CPEFM to try this cycle--I need to go out and get the sticks and read the booklet so I know what to do. I haven't decided yet if I want to stop temping for the month or not. I actually really enjoy seeing the temps and what they do...but temping can be a hassle on the weekends and when we're away from home.
Also going to buy some PreSeed. It's the only sperm-friendly lubricant out there. I'm not generating much CM, so I'm hoping it will help replace it. If it doesn't work this cycle, I might seriously consider discontinuing my Zyrtec D for awhile. The PreSeed is sold at a pharmacy near us, so I think I/we will drive down there sometime in the next few days to price it. If it's cheaper online, I'll just buy it online and have it shipped.
And other than that, I'm going to do my best to relax. Even though I know so many people say stupid shit like "all she had to do was relax and she got pregnant" and I know it's not really true...for my own sanity, I have to try to relax and refocus. This cycle was a little crazy for me and I don't know if I want to experience one like this again!
I could sit and second-guess myself all damn day, but at the end of it all, I'll have the same result. I'm not pg and I need to pick my ass up and just move on. So that's what I'm going to do, starting now.
This morning I weighed myself in the basement, as I usually do. This is the same scale that read 274 back in the spring of 2005. And this morning I actually saw 208 on it. The lowest I'd seen before was 210. (the ticker in my blog is tracking my WW weight) So this has given me newfound hope that maybe, just maybe, I could get below 200 before getting pg. So I'm going to work even harder now. Of course, if I could just find the Wii Fit, it might help :)
And a friend gave me her CPEFM to try this cycle--I need to go out and get the sticks and read the booklet so I know what to do. I haven't decided yet if I want to stop temping for the month or not. I actually really enjoy seeing the temps and what they do...but temping can be a hassle on the weekends and when we're away from home.
Also going to buy some PreSeed. It's the only sperm-friendly lubricant out there. I'm not generating much CM, so I'm hoping it will help replace it. If it doesn't work this cycle, I might seriously consider discontinuing my Zyrtec D for awhile. The PreSeed is sold at a pharmacy near us, so I think I/we will drive down there sometime in the next few days to price it. If it's cheaper online, I'll just buy it online and have it shipped.
And other than that, I'm going to do my best to relax. Even though I know so many people say stupid shit like "all she had to do was relax and she got pregnant" and I know it's not really true...for my own sanity, I have to try to relax and refocus. This cycle was a little crazy for me and I don't know if I want to experience one like this again!
Monday, June 9, 2008
Nervous
Posting what I might have seen this morning makes it too real--a reality I'm not sure I want to believe in just yet because of the impending consequences--increased hope, etc. So I'm not posting it. But I might be posting something good tomorrow--at least I hope to. And if not, you know I'll be here, posting the bad stuff--lamenting, crying, whining.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Cross-eyed and sad
Just spent 3 minutes staring at the stupid stick, willing a line to appear. I thought I saw one...definitely a figment of my imagination, as each time I would see it, it would be in a different place. So yeah. BFFN.
Of course, I would be losing hope right now (especially since I'm feeling a little bit crampy) if it weren't for my friend, S. She didn't get her BFP until 13 dpo. So I suppose there's still hope. Not much, though. Now I just wish AF would come so we can move onto cycle #3.
Disclaimer: Yes, I realize 3 cycle is still WELL within the normal range. And yes, I am well aware that there are MANY people to take longer than that. I had a lot of people who told me they were sure it would take us no time to get pg....and I sort of held onto that, apparently. So I'm sad. And while I know I am allowed to be sad, I feel bad for being sad since I know many, many women who waited much longer for a BFP.
Of course, I would be losing hope right now (especially since I'm feeling a little bit crampy) if it weren't for my friend, S. She didn't get her BFP until 13 dpo. So I suppose there's still hope. Not much, though. Now I just wish AF would come so we can move onto cycle #3.
Disclaimer: Yes, I realize 3 cycle is still WELL within the normal range. And yes, I am well aware that there are MANY people to take longer than that. I had a lot of people who told me they were sure it would take us no time to get pg....and I sort of held onto that, apparently. So I'm sad. And while I know I am allowed to be sad, I feel bad for being sad since I know many, many women who waited much longer for a BFP.
Friday, June 6, 2008
They're heeeeerrrrreeee.....
I got the tests in the mail today. When I first got them, all I could think about was POAS. But right now I don't really want the disappointment of a BFN. So maybe I'll wait until Sunday. We'll see. I'll keep you posted.
All I can think to say right now is THANK GOODNESS IT'S THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!! Woot!
All I can think to say right now is THANK GOODNESS IT'S THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!! Woot!
Dose of reality
Just looked at a ton of triphasic charts that were BFN. Made me a little sad and gave me a horrible feeling in my gut. But at least it's reality. It may very well be the case for this month for us. But oh well--trying not to get excited but trying not to bring my hopes down too much. We'll see, I suppose. The waiting game just sucks. Tested this morning at 8 dpo and it was BFN. Of course, I figured it would be--it's pretty rare to get a BFP this early. So I'll test again tomorrow...and again the next day...and again the next...until AF shows her ugly red head.
But until then I still need something to take my mind off the 2ww. Work just isn't doing it for me today. I suppose I should try harder, though.
But until then I still need something to take my mind off the 2ww. Work just isn't doing it for me today. I suppose I should try harder, though.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
So happy for a friend!
A friend of mine just announced her BFP! I can't even express how happy I am for her. I jumped up and down in the kitchen just squealing when I read it. DH thought I was a nut, but I was SO hoping it was her month! Congrats, T & C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fudging Temps?
I don't even know what's going on with my temps these days. I posted yesterday about my possible thermal shift from 98.0 to 98.4 between Tuesday and Wednesday. Well, this morning, I woke up (sort of) and put the thermometer in my mouth. When it beeped, I took it out of my mouth and looked at it--98.06. Hmmm...well, sometimes when temping my mouth falls open and the temp is lower than it should be. So I retook it, just in case. I hadn't moved besides putting my arm out to hit the snooze bar. Second time it was 98.41. Just because I'm neurotic, I then felt I should check it a third time, to see which was the fluke. 98.40. So I laid there awhile longer (my alarm goes off before DH's but he gets into the shower first) and took it again, just to see. 98.42. Well, it's consistently higher. Is that because I'm awake now? Or was that first one actually faulty? So I wait about 5 minutes, thinking that if it's b/c I'm actually awake, it'll go up even more. 98.49. So it went up a bit more. DH came out of the shower and asked how many times I was going to take my temp. I held up 5 fingers. Then temped for a sixth time. 98.46. Yes, I'm neurotic. And still a bit unsure. I recorded 98.41 because, honestly, that's what I want it to be because I'm seeing a triphasic chart, which could suggest pregnancy. But who knows what my true temp this morning is.
See, this is part of the problem of being based in science. I have become my own little experiment. Ugh.
7 dpo today. If I had my tests that I ordered, I theoretically *could* see a BFP today. But I'm sure I wouldn't anyway. Hope they come in the mail tomorrow so I can test on Saturday morning. That would be 9 dpo. Of course, I could start spotting any day now, really. So who knows?!??!
See, this is part of the problem of being based in science. I have become my own little experiment. Ugh.
7 dpo today. If I had my tests that I ordered, I theoretically *could* see a BFP today. But I'm sure I wouldn't anyway. Hope they come in the mail tomorrow so I can test on Saturday morning. That would be 9 dpo. Of course, I could start spotting any day now, really. So who knows?!??!
Our stupid fight
DH and I don't fight or argue much, but the other night it wasn't particularly pretty.
I had just made us a black bean pizza (SO yummy) and took it out of the oven and we were preparing to cut it and serve it. DH turned to me and asked "what kind of spice do we put it on it to spice it up?" And I snapped.
It seems that no matter what I cook, DH has to alter it in some way. It's just not good enough the way I cook it. I'm sure part of that is my own insecurities, but it frustrates me. Have I ever said anything to him in a calm, rational matter? Of course not--I honestly didn't think it frustrated me *that* much. But that night, it did. So I snapped at him and dropped a few f-bombs and he got upset and asked if I really felt like he was insulting my cooking by putting extra spices on everything and I told him yes and he, like a petulant child, said he'd never add spice to my cooking again. We sat in silence for a few minutes, then had a normal conversation about whatever was on TV and all was ok again.
Now I know I overreacted. And really, it all blows over just fine with us when we do argue, so it's not something I need to dwell on, but I started thinking about it again this morning. I know DH likes his food spicier than I do. So if we're having something that is otherwise spicy (chili...pretty much anything Mexican), it's okay that he adds something spicy to just "kick it up a notch". But when we're having something that has specific amounts of foods and things...and still insists on adding things to it without even trying it, it makes me feel like he assumes nothing I make could be good enough for him. And that sucks. I think I'll try my best to explain this to him sometime soon, just so he can see where I'm coming from, to avoid future arguments like that.
I had just made us a black bean pizza (SO yummy) and took it out of the oven and we were preparing to cut it and serve it. DH turned to me and asked "what kind of spice do we put it on it to spice it up?" And I snapped.
It seems that no matter what I cook, DH has to alter it in some way. It's just not good enough the way I cook it. I'm sure part of that is my own insecurities, but it frustrates me. Have I ever said anything to him in a calm, rational matter? Of course not--I honestly didn't think it frustrated me *that* much. But that night, it did. So I snapped at him and dropped a few f-bombs and he got upset and asked if I really felt like he was insulting my cooking by putting extra spices on everything and I told him yes and he, like a petulant child, said he'd never add spice to my cooking again. We sat in silence for a few minutes, then had a normal conversation about whatever was on TV and all was ok again.
Now I know I overreacted. And really, it all blows over just fine with us when we do argue, so it's not something I need to dwell on, but I started thinking about it again this morning. I know DH likes his food spicier than I do. So if we're having something that is otherwise spicy (chili...pretty much anything Mexican), it's okay that he adds something spicy to just "kick it up a notch". But when we're having something that has specific amounts of foods and things...and still insists on adding things to it without even trying it, it makes me feel like he assumes nothing I make could be good enough for him. And that sucks. I think I'll try my best to explain this to him sometime soon, just so he can see where I'm coming from, to avoid future arguments like that.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
And I was worried...
Apparently this is what I get for being distracted this week from my weight loss and focusing more on making a baby. Take a look at that ticker over there to the right. That's right, I lost 2 pounds this week according to WW! Of course, my scales at home disagree, but who am I to argue with the WW scales??? hehe I attribute the loss to doing really well during the week (even at book club AND a work picnic last week!) and being pretty active this weekend, even though I ate pretty crappy. Still made the best choices I could when I had a choice, so I probably didn't eat my 35 flex points for the week, but I'm not sure. This weekend I'm going to try to keep active as well. I'm hoping to get a Wii Fit sometime soon, too. ;)
Of course, then there's the thought that I might actually be/get pg. I already have phantom pg symptoms....I've been nauseous since about 3 p.m. today. Ugh. I'm just going to wait until I get the tests and then I'll test and (hopefully) then I'll know. And if I were to be pg this cycle, I will need to figure out how the hell to eat. I think I should be eating more when pg, but I don't really know how to eat more while being healthy and conscious of what I'm putting into my body.
Oh well--will stress about that when/if the time comes.
I figured out tonight that if we don't get pg this month, we'll be BDing the week after helping friends move and before my 10 year reunion. Which means we'll probably either need to BD at a friend's house (ick) or at my parent's house (double ick). But we'll do whatever we've got to do! Then if we don't get pg THAT cycle, we'll be testing for cycle #4 around the time we head out to St. Louis for a wedding, assuming my cycles are all 28 days. Now that's forward-thinking for you. Or obsessing. Something.
Earlier tonight I was having a total MPD moment. Neurotic Allison would be saying "What if we missed my O? What if this thermal shift today is my actual O? What if we BD for 4 nights straight for nothing? What if something is wrong with me that is causing me to get a bunch of +OPKs?" Then calm, rational Allison says "If those things are true...we'll try again next cycle. And that's it. It's not the end of the world. Just no baby this month and I have more time to lose weight and possibly get below 200." Pessimistic Allison then chimes in "We'll probably never get pg. Lots of people were sure we'd have an easy go of it, but I'm sure that's not going to happen. My CM sucks and about the only thing I can do is go off my allergy medicine and hope that it gets better...but I'm sure it won't." And so on and so forth.....
Of course, then there's the thought that I might actually be/get pg. I already have phantom pg symptoms....I've been nauseous since about 3 p.m. today. Ugh. I'm just going to wait until I get the tests and then I'll test and (hopefully) then I'll know. And if I were to be pg this cycle, I will need to figure out how the hell to eat. I think I should be eating more when pg, but I don't really know how to eat more while being healthy and conscious of what I'm putting into my body.
Oh well--will stress about that when/if the time comes.
I figured out tonight that if we don't get pg this month, we'll be BDing the week after helping friends move and before my 10 year reunion. Which means we'll probably either need to BD at a friend's house (ick) or at my parent's house (double ick). But we'll do whatever we've got to do! Then if we don't get pg THAT cycle, we'll be testing for cycle #4 around the time we head out to St. Louis for a wedding, assuming my cycles are all 28 days. Now that's forward-thinking for you. Or obsessing. Something.
Earlier tonight I was having a total MPD moment. Neurotic Allison would be saying "What if we missed my O? What if this thermal shift today is my actual O? What if we BD for 4 nights straight for nothing? What if something is wrong with me that is causing me to get a bunch of +OPKs?" Then calm, rational Allison says "If those things are true...we'll try again next cycle. And that's it. It's not the end of the world. Just no baby this month and I have more time to lose weight and possibly get below 200." Pessimistic Allison then chimes in "We'll probably never get pg. Lots of people were sure we'd have an easy go of it, but I'm sure that's not going to happen. My CM sucks and about the only thing I can do is go off my allergy medicine and hope that it gets better...but I'm sure it won't." And so on and so forth.....
Finally!
I put in an email to our wedding photographer last night...we're FINALLY going to get together this weekend to put together our wedding album! It's almost been 2 years and I think it's high time we get it done. So DH and I need to sit down over the next few days and pull out our favorite 60-70 pics to be put into the album.
I also realized that I don't think our attendants have pictures of themselves from the wedding...so I might start getting prints (or even just going through prints I already have!) and sending them out to our friends and family. We'll see how motivated we get. DH wants to give me a project so I can get my mind off baby-making for a little bit, so he suggested I work on scrapbooking. I will start organizing it, but I might wait for a friend to get back from OOT before I put too much together. She wants to have a scrapbooking date and we haven't been able to set one for awhile!!! So S., let me know if you're interested!! :)
I also realized that I don't think our attendants have pictures of themselves from the wedding...so I might start getting prints (or even just going through prints I already have!) and sending them out to our friends and family. We'll see how motivated we get. DH wants to give me a project so I can get my mind off baby-making for a little bit, so he suggested I work on scrapbooking. I will start organizing it, but I might wait for a friend to get back from OOT before I put too much together. She wants to have a scrapbooking date and we haven't been able to set one for awhile!!! So S., let me know if you're interested!! :)
Obsessing. Day #239723598
At least it feels like I've been obsessing for that long....it's exhausting!
Took my temp this morning after a rough night of sleep because of storms. Up to 98.40 from around 98.0. A second thermal shift? Interesting. I got online and looked for information on a second shift and found info on triphasic charts. Apparently part of the time it means pregnancy. Interesting. So, of course, now I'm thinking about it. A lot.
It only means something if my temps stay high again tomorrow. If they drop, it was probably from the off and on sleeping. Of course, they could drop sometime in the next 3 or 4 days b/c of an implantation dip. Ugh! So many options that may or may not mean something.
Last night I was on early- pregnancy- tests.com and ordered 20 tests (at DH's request...I told him the options and that's what he chose!). Paid $16 for all of them. I'm hoping they ship today and get here sometime this weekend. They tout that they can detect pregnancy as early as 7 dpo, which is tomorrow for me. Of course, I won't POAS until I get the tests...but you'd better believe I will test as soon as I get them every morning until AF shows (which I'm guessing she will).
So yes, I'm still obsessing. And I think I need something new to obsess about. I'm going to dive into work for a little bit but will probably post again sometime today--hopefully about something else!!!
Took my temp this morning after a rough night of sleep because of storms. Up to 98.40 from around 98.0. A second thermal shift? Interesting. I got online and looked for information on a second shift and found info on triphasic charts. Apparently part of the time it means pregnancy. Interesting. So, of course, now I'm thinking about it. A lot.
It only means something if my temps stay high again tomorrow. If they drop, it was probably from the off and on sleeping. Of course, they could drop sometime in the next 3 or 4 days b/c of an implantation dip. Ugh! So many options that may or may not mean something.
Last night I was on early- pregnancy- tests.com and ordered 20 tests (at DH's request...I told him the options and that's what he chose!). Paid $16 for all of them. I'm hoping they ship today and get here sometime this weekend. They tout that they can detect pregnancy as early as 7 dpo, which is tomorrow for me. Of course, I won't POAS until I get the tests...but you'd better believe I will test as soon as I get them every morning until AF shows (which I'm guessing she will).
So yes, I'm still obsessing. And I think I need something new to obsess about. I'm going to dive into work for a little bit but will probably post again sometime today--hopefully about something else!!!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Must not think!
So as you know, I'm in the 2ww. It's my first full 2ww without major distraction since last month we were in NYC for part of it (and, well, I'm not really convinced I ovulated anyway). So now I can't stop thinking about being in the 2ww. I'm only at 5 dpo, which means I've got at least another week until either spotting or testing.
Knowing that my mind runs a mile a minute in every different direction, what the heck can I do to keep my mind off of it? I'm at work most of the day and, while at work, I can concentrate on work. Sort of. I work and while I'm working at least every hour or so I'm thinking about baby stuff. When I drive...thinking. Watching TV? Yup, you guessed it. So what that means is that I need something new to think about. Something that will take 100% of my brain power. I don't know if something like that exists.
What am I doing right now, besides writing this blog? Oh, I'm shopping for CBEFM (a fertility monitor) sticks since I'm convinced that this cycle didn't work. A friend has offered to give me her CPEFM (thanks!!!) and now I'm seeing how expensive the test strips are. Of course, I say I'm convinced that this cycle didn't work in my head. In my heart, though, I'm still hoping that this will be it. I'm still doing all I can (although that's not much at this point) to make this work. And I know I'll be really sad when AF shows up in a week. But then I'll want to have those test strips. And I'll want to have the Pre Seed...so we'll get it. DH says he wants to get it in hopes that we won't need it.
So now I'm blogging. Reading online. Working (of course). And trying not to think. But it doesn't work. I hope our baby, whenever we get one, knows how much they were wanted and loved, even before they were conceived.
Knowing that my mind runs a mile a minute in every different direction, what the heck can I do to keep my mind off of it? I'm at work most of the day and, while at work, I can concentrate on work. Sort of. I work and while I'm working at least every hour or so I'm thinking about baby stuff. When I drive...thinking. Watching TV? Yup, you guessed it. So what that means is that I need something new to think about. Something that will take 100% of my brain power. I don't know if something like that exists.
What am I doing right now, besides writing this blog? Oh, I'm shopping for CBEFM (a fertility monitor) sticks since I'm convinced that this cycle didn't work. A friend has offered to give me her CPEFM (thanks!!!) and now I'm seeing how expensive the test strips are. Of course, I say I'm convinced that this cycle didn't work in my head. In my heart, though, I'm still hoping that this will be it. I'm still doing all I can (although that's not much at this point) to make this work. And I know I'll be really sad when AF shows up in a week. But then I'll want to have those test strips. And I'll want to have the Pre Seed...so we'll get it. DH says he wants to get it in hopes that we won't need it.
So now I'm blogging. Reading online. Working (of course). And trying not to think. But it doesn't work. I hope our baby, whenever we get one, knows how much they were wanted and loved, even before they were conceived.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Reflecting on the weekend
Eating this weekend was pretty awful. We went to New Riegel Friday night. I got a chicken breast and had a salad without dressing....but ate fries with it. Then Saturday we got pizza. Saturday for lunch I suggested Wendy's and wanted a grilled chicken sandwich. Guess who ended up with a Chicken Cordon Bleu? Ugh. So I peeled off the bacon and cheese and just ate the deep-fried chicken. And fries. Had cold cuts for lunch on Sunday, though, so that wasn't bad. And I actually stood up for myself and requested some baked chips as well as the greasy fried ones. I never would have done that in the past, so I'm really proud of myself. Just going to get back on the wagon today and try to be good all week and try to work in some walks.
As far as baby-making for the weekend, it was weird. Neither of us wanted to BD at the ILs and we were exhausted on Saturday night. I got some positive OPKs and some negative, so I'm totally confused about those. But my temps have stayed up since Friday, so that's a good sign that I did O on Thursday.
As for my temps, though, they're being weird. If I retake my temp one after the other, I get really different temps. I try to be consistent--put the thermometer in the same place in my mouth, keep mouth closed, stay in bed...but they're still sometimes all over the place. I think I need to stop doing that because then I just pick my favorite. lol
But we BDed for good measure last night. Who knows why, but it was okay :)
I'm tempted to go buy some PreSeed since I seem to be having some CM issues. I found a pharmacy close to my house that has it, so I wouldn't have to order it online. Just curious if it's actually cheaper to get online or in the store. I think I'll run down sometime this week.
So now I'm officially in the 2ww. It's going to be a long 10 more days, I have a feeling. No big plans between now and next week, so nothing to take my mind off it all--just counting down the days until I could conceivably test!
As far as baby-making for the weekend, it was weird. Neither of us wanted to BD at the ILs and we were exhausted on Saturday night. I got some positive OPKs and some negative, so I'm totally confused about those. But my temps have stayed up since Friday, so that's a good sign that I did O on Thursday.
As for my temps, though, they're being weird. If I retake my temp one after the other, I get really different temps. I try to be consistent--put the thermometer in the same place in my mouth, keep mouth closed, stay in bed...but they're still sometimes all over the place. I think I need to stop doing that because then I just pick my favorite. lol
But we BDed for good measure last night. Who knows why, but it was okay :)
I'm tempted to go buy some PreSeed since I seem to be having some CM issues. I found a pharmacy close to my house that has it, so I wouldn't have to order it online. Just curious if it's actually cheaper to get online or in the store. I think I'll run down sometime this week.
So now I'm officially in the 2ww. It's going to be a long 10 more days, I have a feeling. No big plans between now and next week, so nothing to take my mind off it all--just counting down the days until I could conceivably test!
Prayer Request
One of our closest couple friends (good Lord, is that English?) is going through some really tough stuff right now. They've experienced tragedy two times over in the last month. So if you're the praying type, please send some prayers to S & R!
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