Random Thought of the Moment

(even too random to put on FB)

Is it bad that I find the toilet seat more comfortable than my office chair?? I am so tired of sitting here...

35 Week Appointment

Just returned from my 35 week appointment. Stats:


BP: 92/69 (which is ridiculously low for me)
My HR: fine
Baby's HR: 130-140 (good)
Weight: +3.0 lbs. (over the last two weeks--doctor didn't say anything...bothered me a bit, though)
Dilation: None (but geez was that sort of painful!)



Baby is still breech with her head in the same place it's been for at least 7 weeks, just above my belly button. Butt down, but not engaged in the pelvis. Legs are in the pike position (technically called Frank Breech):


The doctor did an u/s to get a good look at her positioning and confirmed baby's position, then we talked about options. Doctor says that most women just opt for a C-section because of the convenience, but I still have this internal drive to try all I can to have a vaginal delivery. We talked about the risks and the benefits of an external version and she told me that we're looking at a 50% chance of success. The main risk is placental abruption, but from what she said and what I've read, it's a relatively low risk. It can be a fairly painful (or "uncomfortable", from what the doctor said) procedure for mom and will be done with no drugs except something to relax the uterus. For the first time, I'm scared, but I do believe this is the best thing for us. We agreed to schedule the version for sometime around 37 weeks, which will fall sometime (probably) the week of July 15th. She or her nurse will be calling sometime today to get it scheduled.

After our discussion and the u/s, I told the doctor about my feelings of responsibility for the baby being breech. She did try to reassure me that this isn't at all my fault and that if this is the worst that happens in this pregnancy, we're doing really well. She also made the joke that DH and I have shared and I've heard from other people--just baby telling you who is really in charge. I know all of this in my head--it's just hard to get my heart to understand and accept it. I've gotten lots of consoling advice and comments, and while I appreciate the sentiment behind them, they are a bit frustrating. Most of them are from friends who have delivered vaginally and never had to decide whether to try to get baby to turn. And even those who did have a C-section just haven't been inside my head and my heart, so it's hard for them to understand where I'm coming from. I struggled so much with feeling like something was seriously wrong with me while we were TTC and have always had "body issues" that it's hard not to think that baby is breech because of something wrong with my body (which could prove to be true yet). And so I still want to try to get her where she should be so I can deliver her the way God intended.

Enter my faith and how this plays into all of this... Do I have faith that God has a plan and not go with the medical intervention? Or do I believe that God put medical procedures here and gave these doctors this knowledge for a reason? This is a struggle I've dealt with for a long time--how much intervention is okay and how much do we just put completely in the hands of God? In the past, they would've had me deliver the baby facing the way she is, risking both of our lives. The version is actually an advance in medical expertise. Either way, I'm trying to have the faith that God will take care of both of us and get the baby into this world safely, whether that's by C-section or vaginally.

Last Time...

We're having so many "last times". This is the last time we'll see you before baby come. This is your last appointment with clothes on (that made me laugh). This is the last week we won't have a doctor's appointment until baby comes. Of course the year has been full of them....our last anniversary without baby, our last Christmas without baby, etc. It's just hard to believe that even things that are more frequent than the annual holidays are now happening for the last time before the baby comes!

Insomnia

I am NOT a person who has trouble sleeping. In all my life, if nothing else, I slept. If I was stressed, I slept. If I was sad, I slept. If I was happy, I slept. It's just what I do. So what was wrong with me last night? We went to bed right around 9:30, our normal bed time. We had had an exhausting weekend, so I should have been able to fall asleep immediately, as normal. But no. Sleep did not come easily. I laid in bed for two hours, listening to DH sleeping, worrying about everything under the sun related to this baby. I couldn't turn my mind or my emotions off and every few minutes the tears would fall. I'm having a harder and harder time holding tears back these days. I'm scared, nervous, worried, sad.... It's relatively illogical. I should be happy that I'm going to be a mommy. This is something I've wanted my entire life. We're as prepared as we'll ever be.

Crazy Eights

I was tagged by Meghan!

The rules:
1. Mention the person who tagged me.
2. Complete the lists of 8.
3. Tag 8 more bloggers and tell them they've been tagged.

The lists:
Eight things I am looking forward to.
1) Meeting my baby girl!
2) Seeing my high school friends this weekend.
3) Watching my DH bond with Baby
4) Eating more carrot cake tonight
5) Seeing DH after work tonight
6) Girl Time
7) My last shower
8) Fireworks

Eight things I did yesterday.
1) Took a shower
2) Baked chocolate chip cookies
3) Delivered said cookies to DH at work
4) Returned some things to Target and got back $30
5) Played Mafia Wars and Farm Town on Facebook
6) Sang to Baby before bed
7) Worked for 8 1/2 hours
8) Made yummy lemon pepper shrimp over orzo for dinner

Eight things I wish I could do.
1) Figure out why our bedroom is so darn hot all the time
2) Be pregnant for awhile longer (maybe a couple more months?)
3) Rid myself of my intense pet peeve/annoyance with people who eat with their mouth open. I can't even hide it. It's bad. Makes me nauseous sometimes.
4) Play trombone on a more regular basis
5) Make more couple friends
6) Get all of my friends who are TTC knocked up and take away the pain of IF.
7) Be a SAHM
8) Get this baby to turn head down

Eight shows I watch.
1) Grey's Anatomy
2) American Idol
3) Survivor
4) Biggest Loser
5) Sportscenter
6) Lost
7) Wipeout
8) Top Chef

Eight favorite fruits.
1) Strawberries
2) Apples
3) Blueberries
4) Raspberries
5) Bananas
6) Peaches
7) Pineapple
8) Plums

Eight places I'd like to travel.
1) Las Vegas
2) Martha's Vineyard
3) Riviera Maya
4) New Orleans
5) San Francisco
6) Somewhere in the Smokies
7) Somewhere in the Rockies
8) Hawaii

Eight places I've lived.
1) Southern Ohio
2) Central Ohio
That's it! I don't feel the need to list every dorm and apartment I lived in through my time in college... ;)

I think everyone I know has already been tagged, so if you haven't been, consider yourself tagged!

A few random things

~ Baby has the hiccups. It used to be that I wasn't sure what they were, especially since they were all really low, but now it's making my tummy twitch and it makes me giggle.

~ My belly is still B shaped. I'm pretty sure it's going to stay that way until I deliver unless Baby decides to turn. She must have a big noggin.

~ Was told by a co-worker yesterday that I was waddling. I related this to another coworker and she said, "You've been waddling for awhile." Gee, thanks. lol

~ I miss DH. It seems silly that after being together for 7 1/2 years I still miss him every day when I go to work or when I'm not with him, but it's true. I just love spending as much time with him as possible.

~ Just signed up for a free three-month trial of Blockbuster online. Yay for movies in the mail when we have a newborn!

~ Went swimming on Monday. It was nice. Too bad DH and I have lost our gym cards and they hassle us about them every time we go in there. Otherwise I would go every single day just to float around. We're planning on cancelling the gym membership when baby comes and replacement cards are $20 apiece...no way are we spending that kind of money for new cards for another month!

~ Overwhelmed with the thoughts about baby being breech. I know I shouldn't dwell on it so much, but I do. I feel like my body is failing me and doing something wrong and I'm now obsessed with being able to give birth to this baby the way nature intended. It seems silly and it's not that there's anything wrong with a C section. I spent those months while TTC feeling like my body was damaged and I'm struggling with the same feelings now. DH tries to reassure me that it must not be too damaged because I've grown a healthy baby girl in there for 8 months now. My argument is that we really don't know if she's healthy or not at this point... I've been so ashamed of how my body has looked while pregnant (because it's so lumpy) that I just doubt its abilities anymore. Consequently, it's hard to look at pregnant women who have the "perfect" rounded belly...and always assume their babies are head-down as well. Just a lot of insecurity on my part, obviously.

~ I get to see high school friends this weekend for one person's wedding. I'm really looking forward to it, but not looking forward to being away from my home for two nights.

~ I still generally feel fantastic (knock on wood). I was just telling DH yesterday how incredibly much I'm going to miss being pregnant and feeling Baby moving around inside me. Even with all of my body image issues, I have loved being pregnant.

~ Showers 1-3 (one for each side of my family plus a work one) are complete. Thank you notes for the work one and most of the first family shower are done. Just one more with friends to go--I'm super excited about that one. It may be small, but it'll be fun!

Three Years

I'm having a hard time believing DH and I have been married for three years today! I remember the day like it was yesterday...it was hot (not as hot as it's going to be here today, though), but sunny and gorgeous. We both sweat like pigs, but it was okay because we were both really happy. The day was a complete whirlwind of excitement and happiness...I hope I remember it as clearly in 50 years as I do today.

DH and I were thinking back on our third year of marriage and quickly realized what it all centered around--this baby. The first few months of the third year we in the throes of the frustration of TTC, then in late November got the magical news that we would be adding a new family member. After that was the anxiety of the first trimester and then the wonder of beginning to feel this new life growing and moving inside of me. And here we are today, less than six weeks from the expected arrival of this little girl (and me still weighing 6 pounds less at 34 weeks pregnant than I did on our wedding day!).

We went out to dinner last night to an Italian restaurant, Carrabba's. It was delicious and we, as always, enjoyed each other's company, just chatting and hanging out together. We did tell Baby that this is the last anniversary dinner she'll be going to with us for awhile! :) We picked up THE carrot cake that we had for our first anniversary for our dessert and ate it around 9:00 while watching TV. I gave DH his gift (he said he was planning on giving me mine on our actual anniversary rather than the day we were celebrating, so it was left at work) and we sat around until bedtime, just enjoying our time together.

These last three years have been incredible. I can't imagine being married to any other man. We hardly ever fight (and if we do, they're resolved within minutes without any major bloodshed...lol) and make sure to laugh together every single day. This, I believe, is the true secret to our happy marriage. I hope we can continue this for the next 75 years ;) I love you, babe.

Lots to say...but not much time

I've been incredibly busy these days, but the emotions are swirling and there are many things I'd like to say. However, I'm also ridiculously overwhelmed at work with all the things that need done before baby arrives, so I'm just going to leave you all with a link to a post by my friend Mandy that pretty much wraps up all that I'm feeling (minus the hand falling asleep and getting overly full...but I'm sure those things will come soon enough!):

Countdown is on

(she's much more eloquent in her writing than I am and I feel she does a better job of expressing the realizations that I'm coming to these days...)

How to stop the worrying?

I know the worrying starts now and doesn't end until you die, but man, this is getting a bit much. I find myself completely preoccupied with worry that baby won't turn on her own. No, it really shouldn't matter, but I am beginning to feel like I'm broken somehow because my baby is still breech. I know myself and know I will feel like a complete failure if I have to deliver her via C-section. Yes, it's easy to say that I shouldn't feel that way...but I do and can't really help it.

On Friday I found a list of 17 things to try to turn a breech baby. I've already tried 1, 4, 5, 7, 10, 11, and 12. I might try going swimming after work tomorrow. It seems ridiculous that I'm this preoccupied with this, but I am. I can't stop thinking about how each of my actions is impacting the direction baby is turned. Part of me thinks that the fact that I sit so much at work has given her less room to turn. My two closest coworkers also had breech babies.

I will be headed to the doctor on Tuesday and will ask her to try to figure out if she's turned at that point. I doubt she has since everyone says I'll know when she does, but I just can't determine which body part is which in there (when I can feel body parts at all). I just don't want to wait until it's too late. I'm hoping she'll whip out the u/s machine to take a quick peek in there.

I guess this is just the type of thing where I need to try to relax and let happen what will happen. I don't know that I can *really* do anything about her being breech at this point anyway. It still doesn't seem to happen. Remember WAY back last fall when I was trying to figure out how to relax and not allow TTC to take over my life? Now it's my breech baby taking over my thoughts.

Childbirth Class

Had a really good experience Friday evening and Saturday morning at childbirth class! We learned about different breathing techniques, the various stages of labor, as well as different details about our specific hospital. We met some great people and generally had a good time. Of course I came home a bit frustrated that baby is still breech and we may not get to go through an actual labor, but I'm trying the power of positive thinking (as well as some other techniques) that she'll turn on her own. She's been very active recently, so I'm hoping she's gearing up for trying to turn.

All in all, though, I'm really glad we went and think both DH and I got some good information out of it. Worth both the time and money :)

Hormones? What Hormones?

Many of my friends have told me about crying randomly throughout their pregnancy and I was relieved to realize that I hadn't experienced that side effect (nor others that I'm not going to mention here for fear of jinxing myself). Apparently, however, my body was just lying in wait to attack here in the last 8 weeks. Since this past weekend, I have cried for at least 10 minutes every single day (many times more than that). Last night my trigger was when DH offered to hold up my belly for me to take some weight off my back.

I know much of it is the stress and worry about delivery and caring for an infant, so it's easy to write most of it off...but I can honestly say I officially blame some of it on hormones as well! Seriously. Who cries because their husband offers to do something sweet? Apparently this pregnant lady does!

Reassurance

I'm surrounded by people who love me and have given me a lot of reassurance. You, my blog readers, responded nicely to my spastic post, my friends on a message board I belong to reassured me that everything I was feeling was completely normal. I love you all and appreciate it all more than words can say.

Then, last night the DH said the sweetest thing to me. To paraphrase:

It doesn't matter which direction the baby is turned. It doesn't matter
what your belly looks like. It doesn't matter if you're able to
breastfeed. As long as this baby is healthy, we're going to be just
fine. And you're meant to be a mommy. You're just wired that
way. As soon as that baby comes, all those instincts will kick in.
But I'll be here to give you the support you need, whether it's helping you keep
trying to breastfeed and reminding you why it's important or giving you the
strength to quit when it gets to be too hard. I'll be there to hold your
boob [his word, not mine] in the middle of the night while you're feeding or
I'll be there to just stroke your hair and tell you that you're doing just fine.

I love that man.

Complete Ball of Stress

I have no idea what's wrong with me, but I just cannot de-stress right now. I consistently feel on the verge of a breakdown. I guess I'm stressed about work and getting everything done in time around there and then also everything baby-related weighing down on me. It sounds ridiculous when I think about it--I should be relaxing as much as possible, but all I keep thinking about is her being breech, how delivery is going to happen, what my body is doing...and all the things that need done around the house over the next 8 weeks.

Eight weeks. It just keeps ringing in my head. I can't believe that's all the time we have left to prepare for this baby. And in eight weeks we're going to be responsible for this little life for the rest of our lives.

I'm weepy. It might be the hormones or it might be the stress, but over the last week, I've found myself crying a lot. At least it doesn't seem to be at nothing. For instance, we watched a movie yesterday and I sobbed through the last 15 minutes of it and then still for the next 45 minutes or so. I also woke up sobbing after a bad dream around 5:00 this morning. I can still feel the effects of that.

Speaking of dreams, I had 3 strange ones last night. The first was that I got tired of waiting for Baby to turn head-down, so I took matters into my own hands and turned her from the outside. The second she got head down, though, she fell out. And then DH decided to name her Faith, which isn't a name we've ever talked about. Weird.

Then the next was that my dad died. Awful. There were lots of weird things in the dream, but the worst was just waking up sobbing with tears streaming down my face.

The last one was just odd. Hanging out with people I knew from college and one of them cut my hair accidentally. That was about the extent of it.

I guess I'm officially pregnant if I'm having these crazy dreams, right? lol

I can't say life is all tears, though. DH and I were singing to the baby (we do this nightly) and we started singing Old MacDonald (a new addition to our repertoire). We had made it through chickens and pigs and were singing about cows. DH was in charge of the animal decisions and noises, while I sang the content. Anyway, he did something, I responded, we laughed....and laughed....I think we were both crying for about 10 minutes from laughing so hard. It was fabulous. No one can EVER say we don't have fun together.

I guess the purpose of this post is just to say that I'm a total ball of emotions. I'm a mess...but more overcome with stress than anything else right now and, honestly, not handling it well. I can't focus on much of anything but this baby--I'm going to be terribly useless for the next 2 months, I have a feeling.

Six unimportant things that make me happy!

I've been tagged by Emily to list six unimportant things that make me happy. I try to find joy in the little things, but have been slacking on that recently. This is a great time to get back to it!

1) Feeling a human being squiriming around inside of me (even when it hurts).

2) Getting a great deal on something (anything!)

3) Getting mail

4) Cake and ice cream

5) Soft pretzels

6) Playing with a kitty (we won't ever be able to have any, so I love when I get the chance to play with one!)

I'm going to name one more... 7) Getting comments on my blog! lol

And now I get to tag 4 people:

Mandy

Mrs. Hammer

Andrea C.

Cassie

Sisterhood Award

One of my bloggy friends, Mrs. Hammer, gave me a Sisterhood Award! I've been following her journey since she commented on my blog probably close to a year ago now. I feel very honored to have received this award! I hope you'll go give her some support or at least some happy thoughts and prayers as she continues down this journey to becoming a mommy.

The guidelines for this award are:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post. L
3. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
4. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

My nominees are:

Sarah at TBDBITL-OT

Julie at 47 and Starting Over

Fall Down Seven at Get Up Eight

Kristen at The Road Less Traveled

Jennifer at Jennifer Lehner Photography

tbonegrl at The Adventures of Tader Baby

Simi at Welcome to Insanity

Andrea at Holdin' Mamas Hand

Brooke at Victuals & Libations

Manday at Life Without Dragons

There are probably others, but since we all sort of know the same circle of people (for the most part), I didn't want to hog everyone :) Thanks, ladies, for all that you do!

Belly Pics

Here is a link to my Shutterfly share site: http://bouncingbuckeyebaby.shutterfly.com It contains all the belly pics since the beginning. I don't like that it doesn't include how many weeks along I was when you're viewing the thumbnail, but if you look at the name of the actual picture, you can see how far along I was. The first was 3w5d, for instance.

Enjoy!