It's real

Wow, this is all actually real. It's happening. How weird.

The diagnosis list even says "Unexplained Infertility". Damn. That caught my breath. I still don't think of us as "infertile"...don't know when I will, but 6 months definitely wasn't the cutoff for that...

I told the doctor our situation, told her about all the stuff we've done...and she said that about the only other thing she could recommend would be more sex. Um yeah...I'm tired of sex. But then she started talking about diagnostics and I was SO excited. She didn't try to blow me off or anything. She did tell me that she probably wouldn't recommend taking the plunge into treatments, but that it definitely may be a good idea to run some diagnostics, just to be sure we aren't trying and trying and it won't work on our own.

So the first step is a sperm analysis. I've even got the cup in a little brown bag with me right now. Apparently we can "extract the sample" on our own at home and just maintain it around body temperature (many people I "know" put it between their boobs or something in the car) and turn it into the lab. I'm going to ask DH to call them tomorrow and find out when we can get it done.

Step #2 is an ultrasound. I'm scheduled for an ultrasound at 3 p.m. on 10/10 to make sure I don't have polyps or fibroids. I'm not *that* clear on what these are, but I'll be doing my research on them over the next week and a half. Apparently my boss had 9 pounds of fibroids removed a couple of years ago. Holy hell. She said she could feel them externally, though.

Third step will be running bloodwork around CD 20ish which, for me, will be around October 19th or so. The bloodwork will be checking my progesterone level to confirm ovulation and see what that level is.

If everything else comes out good, the fourth step will be an HSG, which will check to be sure my tubes are clear. I imagine that will be sometime during the next cycle if this one doesn't work.

And I totally agree with the doctor that I don't think I'm ready to start talking about meds and procedures and things...just diagnostics make me feel like we're going somewhere and like we haven't been trying for nothing!

I'm so incredibly happy with my OB/GYN right now...she was very helpful and didn't try the whole "you're young" thing, either...*sigh* So much more relaxed and hopeful now.

And now DH and I have to have a discussion about what to try this cycle. Do I go forth with the next step, Robitussin? lol As if that's a big deal...lol I think I will--but will talk to DH about it.

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Oh, and Miss S., could you please, if you talk to R., ask him to be discreet? I have no idea how DH feels about this whole SA thing and definitely won't need any teasing about it. ;)

For any of you left...

If there are any of you out there still hoping that this cycle isn't a bust, it officially is. The bitch has arrived in a blaze of....not so much glory. She's just here, is all.

So I'm off to hunt down some ibuprofen (Forget this Tylenol shit. I'll start taking it exclusively if we get pregnant!). Doctor's appointment at 10:50 this morning--hoping she takes me seriously.

Still no acceptance

I thought by the time I was turning 27 I would have some to a little bit of acceptance about the cards I was dealt. Most specifically, I thought I'd be okay-ish with my body. Not so much.

I'm tired of having a body where if I have one bad day and eat more than I should, I hold onto that food for dear life. I'm tired of hearing my co-workers eat and eat and eat (and of course not knowing what they eat at home...) and knowing that I can *only* have a little bit. I've already had 10 points today. I really want to eat this piece of banana bread that a co-worker made. And I'm actually hungry. So I know I should eat, but I'm afraid that it will take me over my points (and I'm afraid I ate into my flex points last night!). *sigh*

I guess these are the trials of anyone who is working on losing weight, but I'm just tired of it. I still feel like my body is much less forgiving than most. But I also know I did it to myself. I stopped eating for too long and my metabolism is all effed up because of it. But damnit, it's been 10 years! Shouldn't my body be tired of carrying around this extra weight and just want to get rid of it?

Tag! I'm it?!??!

I've been tagged again :) I was tagged by hopeful #1 over at Happy Hopefuls to list 8 random things about me. I was also tagged by Erin at Baby Fat to list 7 random things about me! Hopefully this can be a 2-fer :)

1) I love giraffes. I have no idea why, but they're my favorite animal. And I used to have this poster and adore it--it still makes me all sappy.



2) I was part of The Best Damn Band in the Land for five years. However, what a lot of people don't know is that I was an alternate my entire first year. This means I didn't get to march the ramp entrance until the beginning of my second year. It wasn't much fun, but I think it made me appreciate the marching I did get to do much, much more.

3) My first car (bought by my parents, though) was a 1991 Chevy Cavalier.

This wasn't the exact car--it looked a lot like this but was light blue. The thing I hated most about the car was the fact that it didn't have intermittent wipers. lol

4) I'm an avid chair dancer. No pictures needed. :) It keeps me energetic and cheers me up sometimes. I dance at work and in the car.

5) I can pick things up with my toes. I had a totally random picture of my toes that I can't seem to find...which is probably just as well :)

6) I married a prize-winning horse:

Not really, of course....I was actually posting this b/c I wanted to show off the bouquets that we made for my wedding. :)

See, these are the beautiful girls holding them:

7) This is a before picture:

Unfortunately, I don't have an after picture. But I LOVE soft pretzels. And I love to peel off the skin...then eat the skin...and smoosh together all the insides until it's a ball of dough. Once all the skin is gone, then I eat the insides. I take apart a whole lot of my food, too. Like Reese's Cups!:



8) I placed 2nd in a spelling bee in 3rd grade. :( This is really depressing because I'm a great speller normally! However, I was up against the boy I had a crush on and got nervous. And mispelled....are you ready for it???? SNACK! Yup, the fat girl mispelled snack. Ugh. I spelled it S-N-A-K. LOL!!!

And now I need to tag some people...(*runs off to look at Google reader*)

1. Danica at Accidental Single Girl

2. Manday at Life Without Dragons

3. RooManda at The Roo(ette) Zoo

4. Andrea at Tender Loving Lair

5. Kim at A Golfer and a Girl

6. R. at We Are the Ferraris

7. Amy at Pint Glasses and Sippy Cups

8. Sarah at TBDBITL OT

Picking up the pieces and moving on

Yesterday was really rough. Lots and lots of crying. Felt absolutely defeated. Felt like giving up.

I think it roots from me looking to 6 cycles of trying as some sort of a deadline. As if after 6 cycles there's something different. I also knew if it took 6 cycles I would be talking to my doctor. So now here we are. 6 cycles down....who knows how many to go.


So now we're just working on formulating a plan for next cycle. Do we try the Fertile CM stuff that one of the commenters suggested? How about the Robitussin? Is the problem even in me? What if I've been doing all these things for my body only to have the "issue" actually be with DH?

Well, step #1 has been completed. I called the doctor this morning and made an appointment for next Tuesday, the day AF will probably show (either Tuesday or Wednesday...haven't figured out if 13 or 14 day LP is more prevalent for my body). I'll ask her about how to go about getting a SA for DH. I think I have probable cause for requesting one...he was born underdeveloped and it's possible that in his prematurity his sperm may not be as good quality as we would like. The other questions will be harder...I have a feeling she's going to tell me to relax about stuff. But that's really hard when I KNOW when I'm ovulating and know we have perfect timing every damn month. I'm taking supplements out the wazoo and putting freaking plastic caps over my cervix to hold the sperm in. I have NO idea how much more I can do (besides different meds, of course, and more invasive procedures).

So we move forward. We look at all the options. I'll report back what we decide. We'll definitely keep using the CBEFM, the PreSeed, temping...may increase the Vitamin B6. May start on the Robitussin. May keep up with the Green Tea. We'll see. Right now I just wish AF would come and get it over with. I know she's on her way--what's the point in waiting now?

Today will be better. And tomorrow even better than today. When do I get to get off this roller coaster?

And..............

I'm spotting. Of course. Right on schedule.

I hurt all over.

Knees? Check.

Tummy? Check.

Head? Check.

Heart? Oh yeah.

I feel even more crampy today...have totally convinced myself that this isn't it. And that really frustrates me. I'd like to have some hope, I really would. Of course, the truth will come out when I go to the bathroom today. Every single time I'll be looking for the telltale spotting. And if it doesn't show...then the hope might creep back in.

I swore I wasn't going to keep track of symptoms, but I notice them, so why not write them down? These are between yesterday and today (most are consistent between the two days).

Nausea
Headache
Achy knees
Light period-like cramping
Achy thighs (like when I have period cramps)
Extra CM
High, soft cervix

Today is 9 dpo. If the spotting doesn't show today or tomorrow, I'll test on Saturday, which will be 11 dpo.

I hate the wait! I can handle the first week of the 2ww, but this last week is killer...especially with trying the B6, which hopefully will stave off the spotting, which is my telltale sign that AF is coming.

In weight loss news....

So last week I had a horrible WW week. Gained over 2 pounds. Ick.

Well as of last night I'm seeing a loss of at least 6 pounds since last week. WTF? I guess the gain could be water weight. Who knows.

But the best news is that yesterday morning I saw 189.6!!!! Not only below 200, but below 190! Wow. What an awesome reward to the hard work I put in. Will update the ticker tonight after my WW meeting with my official WW weight.

I was doing so well...

For seven days now I've been doing a great job of not overanalyzing every little thing I feel. I've taken everything in stride and just sort of taken note when my boobs were achy or tingly or whatever.

Until today.

I got up this morning with light period-like cramps. Most definitions I've read of implantation cramps have said that they're sharper, stabbing pains. So, of course, my "friend" Google and I went searching for what these period-like cramps could be. And, of course, I found lots of places where people talked about these type of cramps at 8 dpo who then went on to get a BFP.

Then, on my way to work, I started getting a headache and nauseous.

I just re-visited Google and searched for people who had period-like cramps at 8 dpo but got a BFN. And couldn't find any. Great. Just get my hopes up a little more, wouldja?

This is going to be a long couple of days...

Tomorrow is D-day. As in, the day I have started spotting for the last 4 cycles. If there's no spotting tomorrow that at least means the B6 is doing part of its job. No, it still doesn't mean I'm pg, but at least I'll know the B6 is doing something. I know I shouldn't, but I'll probably test at 10dpo if no spotting tomorrow. If these are implantation cramps, then my HcG should be high enough by Friday to register on a stick, I think.

Damn it...I think I liked it better when I didn't have much hope.....

The things we do...

So far in order to make a baby, we've tried....

• Pre-natals (had to quit those b/c they were making me nauseous)
• Flintstone vitamins (still take them daily)
• Temping (did it every day from the beginning of the year for almost exactly 6 months...still do it for about 10-15 days per month. This means waking up at 6:15 every single morning to stick the thermometer in my mouth)
• OPKs (used OPKs during May cycle)
• CBEFM (have been using since June cycle--I'm getting good at POAS. Used a few times away from home, which means dragging monitor to the restroom for FMU and being discreet with disposing of sticks)
• Pineapple (tried during a couple of cycles--the core is supposed to have bromelain in it, which is supposed to help with implantation)
• B6 supplements with B super complex vitamin (started at the beginning of this cycle--makes me nauseous, gassy, and acid-y every once in awhile, but not if I take it in the middle of dinner and took it the night before)
• Timing BDing (of course)
• Pre-Seed (a sperm-friendly lubricant which is supposed to simulate CM)
• Laying down for at least 45 minutes after BDing
• Elevating hips
• Legs in the air
• And finally....a conception cap (a friend sent them to me b/c she ended up not needing them! Scary, yes...but we'll see if it was worth it! If it didn't work this cycle, we'll try it again next cycle with a more voluminous "sample" from DH--it was his 3rd "sample" in 24 hours...I assumed I'd O on 1st Peak day, but didn't until 2nd Peak day)
  
  So yeah, if this kid ever claims we didn't want him or her, I just might show them this list.

Guess what I'm wearing

And no, this isn't the beginning of some erotic post.... What I'm meaning to announce is that I'm finally wearing size 14 again! I was wearing a 12 when I graduated HS (maybe actually a 10, but I never bought any besides my prom dress), so maybe I'm getting sort of close! I have a feeling I'll be in 14s for a long time since my thighs will have to slim down considerably before I can fit into 12s and not look like a sausage casing stuff too full. But I still feel really good about myself!

Relatedly, for those who have been following my weight ticker recently, I gained this week...it was bad. Gained 2.4, actually. Ugh. The most frustrating part is that I was exceptionally good. We were at some friends' house, so I had little control over what I was eating. I had a salad when we went out Friday night with grilled chicken and very little dressing. I even didn't eat the shell to the salad (it was one of those deep-fried taco-salad type of bowls). I was proud. The next day I had a 4-point breakfast (cereal), a small lunch (ham sandwich), and avoided an Italian dip they had b/c I was sure it was made with full-fat cream cheese and full-fat mozzarella and know it was served with full-fat crackers. It killed me not to dig into that. And it actually made me a little pissy.

I was doing all this so I could indulge in a bratwurst. I hadn't had one in a really long time, but found that some aren't *that* bad. I tried filling up on fruit along with my bratwurst and then just sampling some of the goodies that we had. But as the Buckeyes didn't do so well, my diet took a hit as well. I indulged in way too much fruit pizza (I always love that shit)...but still don't think I used *too* many flex points.

So then Sunday was my family reunion. I had a McDonald's fruit & yogurt for breakfast, ate very small portions of everything at the reunion (was still overly full), then had a grilled chicken sandwich for dinner.

Monday night SIL and BIL invited us over for dinner. We have FF hot dogs (1 point apiece) and light potato chips. But then their other friends brought puppy chow. Damn, I love that stuff. I probably took a little too much of it, too.

Okay, so I overate some, but really, 2.4 pounds???? Ridiculous.

So now I've been weighing myself this weekend (as I always do--I'm fascinated by the natural fluctuation of weight) and since my meeting Wednesday night, as of last night, I have lost over 4 pounds. Who knows if that will hold. If it does, it sounds like my gain last week was mostly water weight from all the sodium. Or someting like that.

Either way, in the mornings I'm now seeing 190.4. Wow. Almost to the 180s???? How exciting! I am starting to feel like I should take a pic of the scale so my OB believes me when I tell her "no, really, I was down around 190 when I got pg!" lol The last time she saw me, I think I was still around 225. I don't remember--it's somewhere in my blog. But I dont' want to jinx myself, so I won't, but I will once we get a BFP!!!

Exhausted!

What a weekend!

Left town pretty much right after work on Friday and drove 2 1/2 hours to Cleveland to hang out. Went out to dinner, hung out, went to bed. DH and I were then kept up almost all night by their cat who sat outside our door meowing all night long.

Got up, went to Costco to look for healthier food (got some strawberries) and propane. Got the food, no propane. Drove all over town looking for propane--apparently they're not allowed to sell in that suburb. So we ended up at a BP. Went back to the house to watch some football. Went shopping with a friend, returned to find our other friends there! Ate good food, watched bad football. Late night.

Got up early to get back in the car. Said goodbye to friends and got in the car. Drove 3 1/2 hours to my parents' house for a family reunion. Went inside, loaded up mom's car, got back in the car and rode another 1/2 hour to the reunion. Hung out at reunion--had a great time. Got back in the car, rode 1/2 hour to Walmart. Ran in and bought a cord to transfer files from parents' old computer to new computer. Back in car to drive to parents' house. Went in, started messing with computer. Power goes out. Damn. Sit around dining room table and play Hands and Feet (a card game). Game over, DH and Dad win. Still no power. Went and sat on deck and watched the wind blow (it was blocked by the house, so we didn't blow anywhere). About 7 p.m., still no power, DH and I need to get home. Get in car for 1 hour drive home, blowing all over the highway. Got to our exit--there's power! Tried to get Wendy's, but waited through 5 light cycles and gave up. Went to McDonald's. Long line, but got out pretty quickly. Went home. Pitch black. Found flashlights and candles, inspected damage (there wasn't much), DH dragged the futon mattress up from the basement, took battery out of scale to put in clock radio and listen to the Browns game. Power came on around midnight.

Alarm went off at 6. Time to start the day. *yawn* What a long weekend that seemed too short!

One thing to say...

Go Bucks!

May tonight not be nearly as bad as I fear... (sorry, feeling a bit pessimistic right now)

B6 Update

Yes, it's only been a few days, but I already have an update on the B6.

I started taking both the B6 and the B supercomplex vitamins last week (today is CD 6--I waited until AF showed to start it). Since I have problems with vitamins sometimes, I need to take the pill with my dinner. So the first night (CD 2) I forgot and took it after dinner with a slice of bread. I also didn't take my normal Zantac that night (it's for allergies...at least that's why I started it). The next day I had horrible acid and nausea. Yuck. So I took my Zantac that morning and took the pills in the middle of dinner that night and all was well the next day. I forgot to take it the next night (CD 4) and remembered again last night. I got it ready and had it sitting next to me during dinner...and still forgot until I'd eaten it all. So I took the pills immediately following dinner. And today I've felt horribly bloated and slightly nauseous. Yuck.

I have no idea how long this is going to last. I don't think I'm going to feel much like BDing if I keep feeling all bloated and gross if I don't take the vitamin in the middle of dinner. This is ridiculous. There was food in my stomach already--shouldn't that be enough? Is this vitamin really going to make that much of a difference anyway? All I'm hoping it will do is reduce the amount of spotting I have before AF...maybe that isn't causing any problems anyway. Who knows.

Post #100!

I've been trying to come up with something really clever to post for post #100, but I can't come up with anything. Shows how clever I am.

So what I really want to say is thank you. Thank you to those of you out there who have shown your support and love through comments and emails and just by reading my blog. Knowing that you're all out there, listening, makes me feel better than you can ever imagine. And sometimes that's just the push I need to get through the day. So thank you.

And now that the pressure for a great post #100 is gone, I'm going to get back to my regularly scheduled whining. ;)

She's heeeerrrre.

Well la di freakin' da. She's here. Onto cycle #6. Stupid bitch.

I realized today how many things I imagined would happen while I was pregnant. I thought I'd be pregnant for football season (not a big drinker, so that doesn't matter much to me). I thought I'd be pregnant by my birthday (we'll find out the results of cycle #6 two days before my birthday). I thought I'd be noticeably pregnant by the holidays. I thought I'd be pregnant by bowl season (if we were to go to a bowl I would have to think about travelling while pregnant).

So now I'm looking forward to some of the things on my calendar and not really thinking about whether I'll be pregnant by then. Next weekend we're going to Cleveland for a house-warming party and to watch the USC game (yes, next weekend...CD 10-12...there's something oh so romantic about conceiving your child on an air mattress on the floor of a friend's guest bedroom). I have book club on September 23rd. My birthday is October 3rd. I'm hosting a Tupperware party on October 16th. We're going to an away football game in November. Then the holidays...I have a hard time imagining getting through those not pregnant.

So I guess cycle #6 is just going to have to work. Going to take my B6 vitamin now.

Oh, and I need to come up with a good post for my next one since it's post #100!!

Waiting....

Of COURSE I know she's coming...but that becomes less and less evident every passing hour that she doesn't show.

I was thinking, though, I'm cramping like she's coming. If, by some miracle, she didn't show, wouldn't that be bad news anyway?

Eh, I'm sure she'll show right around lunchtime...will either post when she does show or post results of POAS.

Stupid AF

The bitch just needs to get the hell here. I know she's coming, so what is she waiting for? The longer she waits, the more I start to think that maybe I *could* be one of "those" women who are sure AF is on her way and then get a BFP. And then that just means more heartbreak for me when she does show. I'm definitely crampy...have been spotting for 5 days...today is 14 dpo (my LP is usually 13-14 days)...so I know she's coming. But damn I still want to believe and get my hopes up, which only leads to more tears and frustration and sadness when she does show.

Stupid bitch.