Happy Thanksgiving!

No time for a real post--just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving! Be thankful for all the joys and blessings in your life. I am!

(I will be really busy for the next week and a half or so, so if you don't hear anything from me, no worries!)

Healthy Recipe Thursday

I've decided on another new feature for my blog--Healthy Recipe Thursday! I have tons of great recipes that I'd love to share. I thought about doing a whole healthy recipe blog, but decided just to make it a feature here.

For my first healthy recipe, I thought it was only fitting to talk about cake. I could honestly eat cake every single day and be happy. So I want to share a great thing with all of you trying to watch what you eat: The Diet Coke Cake

Ingredients:
1 can Diet Coke
1 box chocolate cake mix

Mix in a mixing bowl and bake as you usually would (or, better yet, put it in a microwaveable bowl and microwave it for about 9 minutes).

That's it! No eggs, no water--just the Diet Coke and a cake mix. The calories will totally depend on how big your portions are and what kind of cake mix you use, but to calculate the nutritional information, just take it directly from the cake mix (making sure you're watching the portions given for the mix).

Another variation that I tried was white cake mix with Sprite Zero. I've also heard that you can play with different flavors of diet soda to spice it up a little.

I made this the other night, thinking I would do a chocolate cake. So I poured the Diet Coke (caffeine free, of course) into the bowl and went for my cake mix. No chocolate to be found...so we used white cake. It was a little gray, but tasted the same!

Enjoy!

Things I'm grateful for today:
- My boss is gone so I feel a teeny bit less pressure to work my tail off
- I get to go volunteer tonight and make a difference in some people's lives
- I also get to see some of my favorite people at Book Club

New Outlook

I've been reading another blog where the blogger writes the things she's grateful for at the end of each entry. I am planning on starting that so even when I'm down about the outcome of a cycle, I can remember there are things to be happy about.

That said, I'm pretty sure the cycle is over. I'm starting to feel crampy and bloaty, just like I do just about every 8 dpo. So I'm guessing we're onto cycle #9.

My grateful thoughts:
- I'm grateful that I have a job in this tough economy. I'm very frustrated by it right now, but I'm so glad I have it and that DH and I aren't struggling financially.
- I'm grateful that it's Beat M*ch*g*n Week! Go Bucks!
- I'm grateful that I have a great support system of women who truly care about me (thanks for all the awesome comments, ladies!)

Progress

Apparently my mind is making progress. I was starting to think I'd be in this rut forever.

As far as TTC is concerned, I had quite the breakthrough last week. I think I've finally realized that I CANNOT control everything. Really. No, REALLY. Yes, there are things that I can do to improve our chances, but if that sperm doesn't meet the egg, there's no way we can conceive. And I CAN'T control whether that happens.

My trying to control everything and give us the best shot possible to conceive has begun to become a drain on my sanity. And I can't allow that to happen any longer. So I'm not. Yes, I'll still chart and use the CBEFM, but if I forget to take a supplement, I'm not going to beat myself up. And if I want to do strenuous exercise during the 2ww, I will. I can't keep avoiding exercise and alcohol and ibuprofen and still live my life. I will continue to take my vitamins and the supplements to aid my CM production. If I take the B6, great, but if not, it will be okay.

So I'm happy about where my mind is at with that. For now. I realize I've had this revelation before...but I keep trying to return to it and I think I've found a good place now. Heck, I'm 6 DPO and haven't really thought about it much at all.

Yesterday was also a breakthrough for my weight loss. I went to JCPenney b/c they were having a great sale and I had a coupon (and you all know how much I love a deal!). There was a sweater I had seen previously that I wanted to get and I discovered a lot of clearance deals as well. I gathered about 15 items and made my way to the dressing room. I tried on quite a bit of things...but almost everything was too big! Woohoo! I was horribly nervous to shop in the Misses section, but apparently I didn't need to be. I'm officially in 14s, even in pants! Woohoo! So I got two pairs of dress pants, a button-up dress shirt, and the sweater for $40.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, before yesterday, I apparently thought I was a bit bigger than I am. And I'm finally realizing that this really is happening--I really am getting smaller. I still feel like a cow next to these silly college students prancing around, but find that some things are SO much easier now, including finding clothes :) I still visited the Women's section, but couldn't find anything to wear. 1X shirts are way too big and even regular XL are getting to be too big. Wow. I don't remember the last time I wore a Large or a 14. Heck, I even tried on a pair of jeans in 12 and they were darn close to fitting! They buttoned, but the thighs were a bit tight.

I'm in a good place right now :)

Two big things

No time to write, but wanted to post a couple of quick updates:

I'm pretty sure I Oed. Don't think my temps have ever been above 98 without Oing, so that's good. Don't know how good of one it was. Temps were slow to rise and my boobs don't hurt like they usually do (which I'm guessing is a sign of higher progesterone). But I did. I think it was on Tuesday--or maybe very early Wednesday, as my temp Wednesday wasn't spectacular.

Second--I eked my way into the 180s last night :D Weighed in a 189.6. Woot! My goal was to make it to 180 by Christmas and I might actually get close (typically average about a pound a week).

Pleasantly surprised...

....but only cautiously optimistic.

Woke up this morning expecting to POAS and get either another High or get a Low and be done with the monitor for this cycle. Well, I'm done with the monitor, but that's because I got a Peak! I know this still doesn't necessarily mean I'll O, but it means I'm having an LH surge and my body is trying to O.

I'm trying to stay as low-key as possible today. I'm going to try to do some meditation throughout the day and stay as low-stress as I can so hopefully O does come tomorrow (good timing, too, that we have a day off tomorrow--I can lay on my back with my legs up over my head for as long as I want). LOL

And the first thing I said when I saw that Peak was "Thank You" to God. I don't know why this was part of His plan, but it was--and I'm grateful.

Anovulatory, part 2

I'm sad. Yes, having an anovulatory cycle happens to everyone, whether they realize it or not. But when you're TTC. No, wait. When you're been TTC for 8 months, every month counts. This feels like a waste of a month. A waste of time spent waiting for O, waiting for that small window of availability to conceive a child. And when there is no window, it feels like you're waiting for nothing. And I feel lost right now, knowing that if I don't O, there's no chance for us this cycle. And that sucks.

Of course I do know I could just O late. But my week last week was horrible and stressful and I am sure it impeded my Oing, but who is to say that next week won't be horrible? And every week after that? We're getting into the busy season at work and that means more and more stress. Whether I want it to impact my life outside of work or not, it is, because it's impacting my body. So what do I do? How do I relax? I thought my evenings were pretty relaxing. I had volunteering, had a taste test, did some shopping, hung out with DH...spent my evenings doing things that I wanted to do. But apparently those 9 hours during the day where I'm at work just took over and impacted my life more than any amount of evening relaxing can repair.

This feels lot like getting a BFN at 9dpo. I allow myself to get sad about it, even though I know it's probably too early to really know for sure, thinking that, by getting sad now, I'm somehow protecting myself from when AF will start. But it never works. I still get my hopes up as AF approaches that maybe she just won't show. So here I am, getting myself all worked up and sad about not ovulating this cycle, when it could still happen. And as I allow myself to get sad right now, I'm hoping this will protect me when I realize that ovulation really isn't coming this cycle...but it won't work. So I'm going to try to pick myself up and keep hoping for ovulation, even if it's late, because I have to. If I don't, I'll just make my life even more miserable.

Follow Up to Yesterday

This could very well be an anovulatory cycle. *sigh* Just reminds me that it's not up to me. I think I have some OPKs downstairs that I might get out to start using so I don't waste the sticks on the CBEFM. My temps are just weird, getting a High reading on CBEFM for longer than normal, my bbs still aren't sore (they typically are by this point). I know it can still happen, but I think I'm going to give up hope at this point in the cycle. That way if I O, I'm pleasantly surprised (DH and I will still BD every other day for a little while), but I'm mentally prepared.

No O?

After getting all super-confident that my body was going to be crazy-regular, here I am doubting my body once again. I'm at CD 13 with a CD 14 O, typically. No Peak on the monitor. My temps have been all sorts of crazy since I started temping this cycle (CD 8). Usually my pre-O temps are down around 97.5...but the last few days they've been around 97.7, with CD 8 even being 97.9.

Yes, I think I started coming down with a cold last Sunday (CD 7) and I know sickness can affect temps and O date, but damn. We had a plan. LOL Even as I type that, I laugh at myself. I guess I just keep learning that it's not about OUR plan...it's about God's plan. *sigh* I thought I was coming closer to coming to terms with that, but I'm not sure that's true. I'm a work in progress, I suppose.

So now it's just a waiting game. The plan was to BD only the day after the first Peak, but now I'm thinking maybe we should BD every other day until we get the Peak. Plus I've heard quite a few stories about conceiving with a cold b/c it enhances the CM (Enhances? Did I really just use that work about cervical mucus?????).

---------------
ETA:

I had forgotten to mention that my CP (cervical position) was all over the place and definitely pretty low yesterday, making me think that maybe I'm not going to O. Well, today it's definitely high--to the point where I had a hard time finding it. So I guess O is probably on its way. Now just to figure out if it'll come tomorrow or Monday...always a guessing game. :D

It might be working :)

All these drugs and supplements and everything might finally be working :) No real further details needed--just the relief of knowing that is really comforting.

And I got a High on the monitor on Monday, which was totally unexpected. But oh well--I assume I'll still get a Peak on Saturday. Maybe we'll BD tonight and Friday and just abstain on the day of the Peak so we get a good shot on O day. :D I'm not sure it matters, but what the hell...we've got to try something!!!

Feelings

I'm at the ILs right now. I always have lots of mixed feelings being here and this trip is no different. I don't know that I will ever get used to the dynamic of this family. I'm an only child and very used to being the center of attention, but I don't think that's all of it. It's honestly the feeling like I don't matter and I don't know if it's because I'm just the DIL or if it's because I'm married to the "pleaser" of the family. Either way, it hurts my feelings. MIL makes breakfast for everyone else. I don't like what she makes every time (it's always the same thing), so I typically go hungry until someone points out that I don't like it. Then MIL offers to make something...but after me being part of this famiy for 7 years, don't you think she'd notice that I don't like something (yes, I can get off my ass and make something myself, but there's nothing here that I'd prefer to eat--I suppose next time I need to bring my lite bread, spray butter, etc.--if she were making it, I would eat it even if it were healthy, but if I have to make it myself, I'm not making myself something completely unhealthy, knowing we're eating like crap for the remainder of the day)? I'm sure it's hard pleasing now 6 kids (three brothers with three significant others), but there are only 4 of us around most of the time, plus my niece. Of course, though, the niece comes first. When she's sleeping, we all have to be quiet. But when we're sleeping, of course she can run wild. MIL got woken up this morning at 6 by the dog. Her own damn dog. And she's bitching about it. But the niece wakes DH and me up well before I'd like to be up, haven't said a damn thing, but I'm exhausted. We're not doing this during Christmas. If this is the way it's going to be we'll either get a hotel or we'll not come up until Christmas Eve. I'm putting my foot down--I will NOT be this exhausted during my week off. It's not like we get a whole 2 weeks off (like BIL and SIL....). No, the only time we get off will be spent away from our home and I refuse to be exhausted when we get back to work because we didn't get any sleep.

Then add to all this frustration my own frustration with our inability to get pg (I'm having a hard time even writing the word right now). I look at my niece and adore her to pieces, but she's not my own. I imagined that we would be very pg by this point and the MIL would give a shit about me for once because I would be giving her another grandchild, but no...I'm still sleeping in the basement, listening to the kid scream and stomp above me.

There are so many things I wonder about the future and being here. When (yes....WHEN) I'm pg, will I get treated like the princess my SIL did? Will I get a good bed, without the sogginess, at a normal temperature, without a child running around above me? Will I ever get to eat things I like to eat? When we have a child, will they be loved as much as my niece? What happens when both kids are here? How will MIL choose? (I have a feeling I know the answer to this one)

Ah well, I suppose I should go act sociable, even though I'm exhausted and moody and grumpy and just want to go back to sleep (and yes, this is my excuse for sounding like a spoiled little brat--I'm honestly not sure I want to publish this post and have everyone know how whiny I'm being...but oh well--I have to get it out and it seems silly to write an entire post and not publish it).