Feelings

I'm at the ILs right now. I always have lots of mixed feelings being here and this trip is no different. I don't know that I will ever get used to the dynamic of this family. I'm an only child and very used to being the center of attention, but I don't think that's all of it. It's honestly the feeling like I don't matter and I don't know if it's because I'm just the DIL or if it's because I'm married to the "pleaser" of the family. Either way, it hurts my feelings. MIL makes breakfast for everyone else. I don't like what she makes every time (it's always the same thing), so I typically go hungry until someone points out that I don't like it. Then MIL offers to make something...but after me being part of this famiy for 7 years, don't you think she'd notice that I don't like something (yes, I can get off my ass and make something myself, but there's nothing here that I'd prefer to eat--I suppose next time I need to bring my lite bread, spray butter, etc.--if she were making it, I would eat it even if it were healthy, but if I have to make it myself, I'm not making myself something completely unhealthy, knowing we're eating like crap for the remainder of the day)? I'm sure it's hard pleasing now 6 kids (three brothers with three significant others), but there are only 4 of us around most of the time, plus my niece. Of course, though, the niece comes first. When she's sleeping, we all have to be quiet. But when we're sleeping, of course she can run wild. MIL got woken up this morning at 6 by the dog. Her own damn dog. And she's bitching about it. But the niece wakes DH and me up well before I'd like to be up, haven't said a damn thing, but I'm exhausted. We're not doing this during Christmas. If this is the way it's going to be we'll either get a hotel or we'll not come up until Christmas Eve. I'm putting my foot down--I will NOT be this exhausted during my week off. It's not like we get a whole 2 weeks off (like BIL and SIL....). No, the only time we get off will be spent away from our home and I refuse to be exhausted when we get back to work because we didn't get any sleep.

Then add to all this frustration my own frustration with our inability to get pg (I'm having a hard time even writing the word right now). I look at my niece and adore her to pieces, but she's not my own. I imagined that we would be very pg by this point and the MIL would give a shit about me for once because I would be giving her another grandchild, but no...I'm still sleeping in the basement, listening to the kid scream and stomp above me.

There are so many things I wonder about the future and being here. When (yes....WHEN) I'm pg, will I get treated like the princess my SIL did? Will I get a good bed, without the sogginess, at a normal temperature, without a child running around above me? Will I ever get to eat things I like to eat? When we have a child, will they be loved as much as my niece? What happens when both kids are here? How will MIL choose? (I have a feeling I know the answer to this one)

Ah well, I suppose I should go act sociable, even though I'm exhausted and moody and grumpy and just want to go back to sleep (and yes, this is my excuse for sounding like a spoiled little brat--I'm honestly not sure I want to publish this post and have everyone know how whiny I'm being...but oh well--I have to get it out and it seems silly to write an entire post and not publish it).