Thursday, April 15, 2010

If she slept, why don't I feel rested?

I am officially jinxing myself here, but at this point, I don't think I care.  Last night baby girl went down really easily, woke up for a few minutes around 10:30 p.m. (as we were getting in bed), then didn't wake until 6 a.m. 

So why am I yawning and ready to fall asleep??  Oh wait, because I had to stay up later than I wanted last night.  I would have loved to go to sleep around 9 p.m.  Why didn't I go to bed?  Well, here's what my night looked like:

4:30 Leave work and drive to the sitter's
5:10 Pick up baby girl
5:11-5:30 Sing silly songs, talk baby talk, all in the interest of keeping baby girl happy
5:30 Get home with baby girl
5:31 Get baby girl out of her car seat and sit her on the floor and she starts to play
5:35 Go into kitchen to discover that an ingredient of dinner is missing
5:36 Go back to living room to figure out what I can make with the ingredients I have
5:45 Still searching for dinner plans, watching baby girl pull up repeatedly on the faux marble window sill, knowing she needs a bath, but wanting to get dinner started and figure out what I can make
5:50 Find something to make for dinner, but don't want to leave baby girl pulling up in the living room (she'll just head back to the living room if I bring her into the kitchen), so I sit and watch her and wait for daddy to come home (who was supposed to be home at 5:30)
5:55 Think about giving baby girl a bath, but figure daddy will be home ANY MINUTE, so I'll wait for him to get home and give her a bath while I fix dinner
6:10 Daddy walks in the door
6:10:01 I go into the kitchen to try to whip something up, knowing baby girl should be nursing by about 6:30
6:11 I find the missing ingredient buried in the fridge.  Back to Plan A.
6:12 Rushing around, working on dinner, daddy gets to play with baby girl.  He thinks this is helpful.
6:15 Pull out baby girl's dinner.  Daddy keeps playing.  I keep cooking and cleaning.
6:30 I go pick up baby girl and plop her in her highchair to feed her her green beans.  Daddy says, "Oh, I can do that".  I tell him I've got it at this point.
6:35 Baby has been fed.  I realize dinner is done and ask for help getting it out of the oven. 
6:36 Dinner is out of the oven, I nurse baby girl
7:00 Daddy takes baby upstairs while I put together pictures to send to grandma
7:10 Daddy comes back downstairs and we eat dinner together while watching The Biggest Loser.  On the laptop. Because the DVR failed. 
8:00 Daddy falls asleep on couch
8:30 I get out my pump parts, get pissy that Daddy can sleep while I have to extract food for the baby.  Pump while watching the rest of the Biggest Loser and other TV.
9:20 Turn off the pump.  Go to look for the pieces to finish up the taxes.  Daddy still sleeping.  Doesn't even realize tomorrow is Tax Day.  Hasn't done anything to help with taxes.
9:25 Find the document I need.  Sit down and review all taxes information
10:15 Finish up taxes.  E-file.
10:16 Put away breastmilk that has been in cooler on the counter all evening.
10:17 Put away all dinner dishes.
10:18 Pack up pump to take back to work
10:19 Pick up baby toys that I just stubbed my toe on.
10:20 Set alarm and go upstairs, get ready for bed, and fall into bed.  Daddy joins me shortly thereafter.

I guess I'm just really frustrated that all Daddy has to do in the evenings is come home late, play with the baby, do what I ask of him if I ask, and sleep.  I, on the other hand, take care of dinner (deciding on meal, shopping for ingredients, prepping, cooking, cleaning up), make sure the child is fed (nursing, making food, buying food, pumping, prepping for pumping) and bathed (including remembering to do it, even though I've mentioned it before), make sure our household is put together (all financial tasks, filing taxes, trying to figure out an organizational system)...and it goes on and on.  I'm tired fucking exhausted.  I can't do it anymore. 

(This is all the beginning of a bigger conversation that I want to have...all about the expectations we have, both imposed by society and ourselves, and what motherhood looks like to different people.  I've been reading a book and want to share some of it here.  For now, though, I have to be done writing or I might go crazy  hurt someone  cuss out my husband  cry.)


Cassie said...

Oh, Allison, I could have written every single word of this post (except for the baby sleeping all night, which mine did not). I have the same frustrations frequently with my husband. Why does he get to relax in the evenings while I have to do everything? SO not fair. Big hugs for you today.

Liz said...

(((hugs))) I feel your pain....

Sarah Dee said...

i would love to talk.

you have no clue how much or evenings mirrored each other. Down to the TIME even. Only difference was I woke R. up and talked to him.

If C. is going to be home late(ish) again tonight feel free to stop by.

We're having burgers and brussel sprouts for dinner.

Andrea said...

Maybe I'm lucky, but I make my husband split the work in the evenings. When we just had Madeline, we would trade off nights. Whoever's turn it was to give Madeline a bath and put her to bed that night, the other person cleaned up the kitchen after dinner. Now we each have a kid but he typically deals with Madeline. Since the baby is a bit easier than her, I clean the kitchen every night.

(((hugs))) to you. It's tough to get them to help. You need to help him realize how much you do each night. You should have him read your post.