Monday, July 26, 2010

My baby has made me bipolar

Okay, that's a little overdramatic.

But seriously, folks.

When I was trying to conceive Baby Girl, I thought *that* was a roller coaster of emotion.  But now I've realized that that was nothing.  That was the Blue Streak of roller coasters (you Ohioans probably know what I'm talking about).

Don't get me wrong.  That sucked.  But this is a whole new level of suck.  A year's worth of suck.

My every emotion is tied to my baby.  To her sleeping.  Her eating.  Her temperment. 

So when she's *not* sleeping...well...I feel sad.  And when she's not interested in nursing, I feel sad.  And when she's sad?  Yup.  Sad.

But when she's happy, curious, interested?  I'm happy.  Relaxed.  Blissful, even. 

And then an hour later when she's screaming bloody murder because, God forbid, we think she should take a nap because she was laying on the ground on her belly, rubbing her face on the carpet?  I feel so sad again.

I'm emotionally exhausted.  I'm tired of having my every emotion hinge on the feelings and behavior of my daughter.  I have a feeling it's going to be like this for the rest of my life and I need to figure out how to deal.  I know that the fact that I care so incredibly much about how she's feeling is just an example of how I'm a good mommy.  I know I love her more than words can say and really just want the best for her.  I'd be perfectly okay waking up overnight with her if she were just HAPPY.

Saturday was great.  We had so much fun partying it up.  And I was able to overlook the maniac she'd become at bedtime.  But then Sunday...oh Sunday.  And Sunday bled into Monday.  And here I sit.  Tired.  Exhausted.  Watching the clock and waiting for the moment I can walk in the door and hear that resounding "HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (yes, WITH the exclamation points) and feel my mood lift again.

2 comments:

Cassie said...

(((HUGS))) I wish I had some advice for you. I know it's hard. I just wish she would sleep for you. I think things would seem so much brighter if she was consistently sleeping well. I hope tonight is really, really wonderful.

Danica said...

All I can say is wait until she's a teenager. I have two very hormonal teenagers at home right now (well one teenager and a pre-teen) and let me tell you, when they cry, you cry. When they hurt, you hurt. And when they laugh, you hurt from laughing so much. I know I wasn't there from the beginning with them, but I do know the emotional rollar coaster we are on, while exhausting, is something I would never change. We must feel it all to understand who they truly are as well as ourselves.

Hang in there!