Sunday, July 18, 2010

Bad bad bad

(this is a raw, painful post.  if you can't handle it, read no further.)

We are in the midst of the absolute worst night I think we've ever had.  Bad enough that I'm considering cancelling the party on Saturday.  Bad enough that I just walked out the door with my car keys and phone and thought about not telling The Hubby where I was headed.  Bad enough that I just WEEDED.  (I don't weed)  Bad enough that I'm burying myself in my computer.

I don't know what's wrong with this kid.  I feel like a failure for not being in tune enough to her to have any idea what's going on.  Friday July 9th through Thursday July 15th were perfect.  Baby Girl was happy, took good naps, slept through the night...  Every night since has been awful.  She's fought bedtime, fought every single nap.  She's screamed and screamed, been whiny all day long, been fussy.  And then she'd stop and be the sweetest, most charming little lady in the world.  We haven't ever dealt with anything like this for teeth, so it *could* be teeth, I suppose.  She's not really messing with her ears and isn't running any fever, so I don't *think* it's a fever (but it could be).

I honestly want to leave.  I hate what Baby Girl has done to my self-esteem.  I hate feeling like this.  And I hate feeling like I want to leave.  I want to love this baby an want to be with her and still be able to see the positive through this.  I have friends who say they've never been to where I am right now and it makes me jealous and makes me feel even more like I don't know what I'm doing and I'm not meant to be a mommy.

And I'm going to hit publish now.  I might regret it later, but I need to get it out there.

7 comments:

Mandy said...

Big, big hugs to you. I'm praying you all have a good night.

Em said...

My aunt and I were just talking about this on Saturday while we listened to my baby cousin scream in pure fury after he was put to bed. Sometimes you just need to make sure the baby is safe and take a break away from the crying. I've taken naps with earplugs in while he was fighting his nap or sat out on the porch on days I was home alone with him and he was driving me crazy. DS is 18 mos and just Saturday I felt like running away to the bookstore or somewhere quiet for an hour where no one would repeatedly defy my directions and scream at me for not letting him have the remotes/phone/crayons he'd eaten.

You are not a bad mommy. It sounds like you are probably sleep-deprived and incredibly stressed out and just need a break. I wish I had a solution for you.

I have been reading I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids by Ashworth/Nobile and they talk a lot about all the pressures that moms are under and some of these "dirty little secrets" that we don't talk about enough. It might at least help you know that others have been where you are. ((hugs))

Emily said...

*hugs*

Cassie said...

A few things you need to know -- and I hope you already do:

1. You are not a failure.
2. You are not a bad mommy.
3. The people who tell you they've never been there? Those people are lying. They're all lying. We have ALL been there, and like Em said, I don't think we talk about it enough.
4. You are a WONDERFUL, loving, amazing mother who is doing her best with lots of stress and not a lot of rest.

I'm sending you big hugs today. I hope last night went ok for you and Baby Girl.

Sarah Dee said...

The website keeps eating my comments.

I really want to tell you that you ARE doing a great job. I know deep down that you love your daughter with all of your heart. Even when you don't like her one bit.

I am just down the street if you need someone. Remember when R. went to MI? You guys were my saving grace from wanting to through Little Guy out the window.

Danica said...

Sending loads of hugs.

Andrea said...

Total ditto of everything cassie said. Other moms that say they've never been there are completely lying. Either that or they are delusional. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. You are a wonderful Mommy!! Every now and then things get tough and it's okay to break down. Just take the time you need to get yourself back in the game. (((hugs))))