Verge of a Breakdown

Here I am, minding my own damn business, working my ass off (having just gotten yelled at by the boss for being way behind on this work that I couldn't get done if I worked 12 hours a day), supposed to be getting help from everyone....and I can't focus and am blogging because there's a baby. In my office. Squealing, crying, whatever...with everyone ogling, giggling, oohing, and ahing...and I'm about to go crazy. I love babies. No, correction: I love babies that belong to people I know. But this is some random person's baby. Interrupting my damn work that I'm struggling to get done. That I'm supposed to be getting help on from people that are busy with the baby. And I want MY baby. I want a baby for people to ooh and ah at. I want MY baby to interrupt other people's work.

Ugh. I'm not normally this bitter. But today I am. Probably because of the stupid stress at work. Because I'm taking the brunt of this stuff not getting done even though it's because the people that are supposed to be helping aren't.

I hope the coworker doesn't read this and get upset. She might. No reason to get upset--it's just me venting and being upset about a baby. But I'm still posting because I have to get this off my chest.

Girl Time

Last night I went out to happy hour (or happy hourS, as DH called it) with some fabulous ladies. The group was centered around getting those of us TTC out to relax and commiserate. We met up at Applebee's and just hung out and it was fantastic. I am so incredibly glad I went. I don't have a ton of close female friends and I just love meeting new people--especially women who share common interests.

We had two "tag-alongs", who were ladies who I think were just trying to learn more of the things we've discovered through our TTC time--charting, body changes throughout the cycle, etc. We were happy to have them :)

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who were there. I really enjoyed getting out of the house, kicking back, and having some good girl time with some fantastic women. I hope we do it again very, very soon!

God's Will

Last night as we were going to sleep, DH and I were watching 17 Kids and Counting, the show about the Duggars, a family with 17 kids and one on the way. They're deeply religious and talk a lot about how they keep having children because it's God's will and He will stop giving them children when He is ready.

I'm sure they believe the converse--if you aren't meant to have children, God won't give you any. I'm guessing they don't believe in fertility treatments or, really, doing much of anything to improve the odds of getting pregnant.

Since I am trying to get reacquainted with God and have a better relationship with Him, I've given this a lot of thought. I just refuse to believe that it's in God's will for DH and me to not have children. I KNOW we will be great parents when our time comes. I do believe that it's in the realm of possibility that He just wants us to wait awhile and be patient and that's what I'm trying to accept in my heart, but I just cannot believe that the loving God that I know would want my wonderful, giving, loving husband to not be able to father children of his own or for me to not be a mother.

All that said, I believe it will happen in His time, not ours. Yes, we can do all kinds of things to improve our odds of conceiving. We can take all the supplements, pee on all sorts of sticks, take temperatures, etc. to be as prepared as possible, but if it's not time, it won't happen. And I, the control freak, am working to accept that. Today, in this moment, I understand that in my heart and I finally accept that we can't control it all. Even if we were to do IVF with ICSI (where sperm are injected into the egg and then embryos are cultivated and put back into my body), we don't have control over whether those embryos implant.

So we'll keep trying. And I'm sure each failure will still hurt, but we're going to do our best to move forward and better ourselves and enjoy the time we are without children so we can be better parents when the time comes.

(Note: I am saying this today...that's not to say that tomorrow I won't be crying again and ready to have a baby NOW. This is a roller coaster, after all...you can't have pitfalls without the uphill.)

Hope

I was letting myself believe.
I was letting myself think that this nauseous feeling in my stomach could be a sign.
I thought maybe, just maybe, these cramps are a bit different than my normal AF cramps.
It felt like my bbs were heavier.
Hell, I had even convinced myself that my normal PMS breakout was b/c I didn't wash my face like I should have (even though I did).
I had been Googling early pregnancy symptoms and reading and thinking that they were things I was feeling.

And then I went to the bathroom. And on that little piece of TP...spotting.

Cycle number 7 is over. Shit.

Just call me Debbie Downer

I have power. I can bring down the tone of a conversation with a single sentence; stop everyone from talking with one word...I am...Debbie Downer. :(

I just feel like I can't be positive. I've tried and tried, but I am having a really hard time not dwelling on the crap-tastic things we've been dealt recently. I don't want to be the one to drag everyone else down--and thoughts like that make me feel like completely retreating. Better to just not show up than show up and be a total downer. Ugh.

I know people have seen me recently and I've been fine. And a lot of the time recently I have been feeling fine. But these last couple of days have really gotten to me. I feel very little hope that things will work out in the near-ish future. I feel pretty sure that we have a long, hard road ahead of us. And I hate it. I would much rather be a positive, upbeat person...but today, in this moment, I can't drag myself out of this rut I've sunken into. Heck, I wonder if I should even bother posting this because I don't want to drag anyone else down, too. But I will, just because getting these feelings and thoughts out of my system have to help in some miniscule way.

Worst part of the month

A lot of people who are TTC say that the two week wait is the worst part of the month. The waiting, the wondering, knowing you can't do anything (really) at this point to change the outcome.

However, for me, there's a worse segment of the month from 9 dpo to about CD 5. I'd rather be sitting wondering for 14 days than to know for sure before I can even test. To be bleeding in some fashion for 11 days. Ugh. I'm tired of this spotting crap. I hate pantiliners and pads and tampons and dealing with all that. Back when my period was about 3 days long, I could handle it. Now I've got 5-6 days of spotting and then a 4-5 day long period. *sigh*

Even if it gets my hopes up, I really hope I don't start spotting tomorrow.

Bloodwork

Just walked down and had my blood drawn for my progesterone test. I had myself all worked up (I'm not a huge fan of needles, even though I used to donate blood once every 2 months) and my anxiety was at full tilt, but I didn't need to be. The phlebotomist was a pro--very quick and painless. Now just waiting for the results. My OB says she should have them by tomorrow and if I don't hear from her tomorrow to give her a call. Hoping that they have them today... :)

And as all of my regular readers probably realize, D-Day is quickly approaching. Today is 7 DPO, which means Wednesday is 9 DPO. We'll see if either a) the B-6 is helping or b) we're pregnant or c) the spot-monster shows on Wednesday. If we get spotting on Wednesday, I'll be asking for a referral to an RE from my OB. I don't think we'll go forth with treatments right away, but I'd like to see what the RE would recommend as far as treatments, timeline, and what the cost of everything would be. Fingers crossed for no spotting Wednesday, even if it does mean false hope (ie. the B-6 helps increase the progesterone and therefore reduces the spotting but I'm still not pg).

On a side note, my temp this morning was 98.45, which is a bit higher than most post-O temps. *shrug* I'm going to temp the rest of the cycle to see when temp drops and what it correlates to.

What to do....

I'm sitting in my house ALONE. And it's weird.

DH and I spend almost every single moment together. We love the same TV shows and love to do a lot of the same things, so when he's not around, I'm a little overwhelmed.

Of course, there are things that I like that he doesn't and honestly that's what is so overwhelming! I've got less than 2 hours to fill...what do I do? Do I try to get to the next level on MarioKart? Do I do some knitting? Do I do some reading? Do I look for some trashy TV that he wouldn't be all that excited about? Do I take a nap? Do I take the time to organize coupons? Do I leave early and go shopping for deals?

I'm currently baking some cupcakes. I'm going to stop by his work around 7:15 to take dinner to him and two of his co-workers. Then I'm headed to Westerville to hang out with some friends, which, hopefully, will be nice and relaxing. When I'm on my way back from Westerville, I'm going to surprise them with chocolate cupcakes.

So I've got plans for the rest of the night...but what do I do now? It's not like I'm lacking for things to do...I just can't decide!!!

It's Friday!

If I make it through this weekend without a cold, I'm going to be really impressed. My throat is starting to hurt already and I feel completely run down. I've got really fun plans for tonight, so I'm hoping just going home and relaxing for a little while will help.

I guess I just want to show all my readers that I do actually have happiness in my life, even though the baby-making stuff makes me so sad so much of the time. And then of course I come in here whining about getting sick. I guess it's b/c I try my best not to whine too much IRL and so you, my readers, get to hear all about it.

Anyway, I'm hoping this is going to be a nice, relaxing weekend. We'll see, though. DH's work has gotten really bad and, without going into too much detail, I might see nearly enough of him this weekend. But we'll see. But I'd like to spend some time with friends as well as DH. I'm definitely going over to a friend's house tonight. Tomorrow I'm hoping some friends will come watch football with us. The rest of the weekend is definitely up in the air, though--we'll see what we end up doing.

Have a happy Friday!

Compliments

Okay, so I love compliments! I love hearing other people tell me how fabulous I am :) For some reason I really need the approval of others to feel better about myself (notice not "good"...just "better").

I'm just realizing, though, that I'm getting lots of compliments and comments about how great I look. I've worked my butt off to lose this weight and I feel good about it. However, I know darn well that no one would be telling me how good I look if they hadn't seen the "before" version of me. No one ever gives this many compliments to a girl who is a size 14. Yes, I'm down from a size 22 to a size 14, but sometimes it just feels like this there's this implied "you look so much better than you used to".

Just my not-so-deep thought for the day.

Alone

Some days (like today, apparently), I feel very alone. I know there are lots and lots of people out there who have been through the same things we are experiencing right now. I also know there are a lot of people who, even though they haven't been through all this, still love and support us and only want the best for us.

Even really knowing all this, I still feel alone. I feel sometimes like I have no one talk to talk to about anything. I feel like I know people who have struggled for YEARS and are still struggling, people who struggled for years and now have babies, people who have "oops" babies, people who haven't ever TTC, people who thought it took a long time in the moment, but only took 3 or 4 cycles...but I don't know anyone in our situation. And because I don't, I feel like no one can really know what we're feeling. I know that's not explicitly true, but it sure feels like it some days (like today).

Some people think we need to move forward with other testing and not waste time while others think we're moving forward with testing too quickly. Some people think we haven't been trying all that long and should just keep at it while others think we should seek the advice of another doctor. And while it doesn't matter to me what other people think--we're doing what's right for us and what our gut tells us is right--it's hard to talk to people when I'm hearing such differing opinions and thoughts. So I sit here feeling alone.

He didn't even buy me dinner...

My date with the dildo-cam is over. Surprisingly, it wasn't all that bad. I was pretty distracted looking at the images on the screen, so I wasn't paying attention to the low-level discomfort. Of course, I'm not sure what I was seeing, but my OB/GYN tried to explain it to me. She showed me my dominant follicle, which was 2 mm--still small, but definitely moving toward ovulation. She said we wouldn't see a truly dominant follicle until I was pre-ovulatory, or 24-48 hours before ovulation. So that probably means I'm about 60ish hours from ovulation, which is what I would have guessed, I think--I should O on Sunday or Monday.

She did find a little bit of fluid on top of my uterus, but said it wasn't a concern b/c it was a small amount and b/c I was pre-ovulatory. *shrug* I guess it can suggest some bad stuff, but she said not to worry about it, so I'm not. :)

Lining looked good (not that I was really able to see it or understand it...).

So it's over and I'm at home, feeling a bit like I was violated. So no BDing tonight for DH. I did reward myself with a homemade caramel and a new shirt from the medical center gift shop.

Hopefully we'll get the SA results soon...we're both pretty uptight and worried about it. My OB/GYN said that if we don't get results in a week to call her office and they'll call the lab about it.

Going to get bloodwork on CD 21 (10/20) to check my progesterone levels and then that will conclude the tests for this cycle and then we just get back to praying (unless, of course, they find something wrong). Well, actually, of course, either way we'll be praying. :)

Privacy

We haven't gotten the results of the SA yet, but I don't know that I'll be posting them until I can figure out if I can make some posts private or something. DH is pretty sensitive about the whole thing plus he's nervous about not knowing who's reading. I think he's most concerned that, because most of the Office of Student Life and many others throughout the university know him personally, someone's wife or someone he works with will read and he doesn't want work associates, as he put it, "knowing about his junk". So if you'd like to know the results, feel free to send me email (I think there's a link on the blog) or post your email address here--as long as I know who is finding out, it's fine--it's those random people out there that we know nothing about that we're both more nervous about.

Thanks for your understanding!!!

Bathrooms

I work in an office--cubicles and everything. However, that office is actually a former classroom. Working in a building that is also used for classes (there are two classrooms on the same floor as my office) has quite a few drawbacks. For one, there are constantly loud students hovering outside our office door.

By far, however, the worst side effect to having students in our building is the bathroom usage.

There is one bathroom on each floor of the building. There's a basement, 1st, 2nd, and 3rd floor and each has their own bathroom. The basement bathroom is a little sketchy. The 1st floor bathroom is used by all the people who come to go on tours through our office. The 3rd floor bathroom is a bit small. Therefore, EVERYONE in our office uses our bathroom. That was most obvious during the summer.

Now, however, there are students in and out of our bathrooms all day long. I know I, personally, prefer to use a bathroom that is clean. With that many people in and out all day, it is impossible to keep it clean.

On top of the cleanliness factor, there are a lot of people in this world that don't seem to understand two concepts of public bathroom usage--not talking on the phone and washing your hands when you're done. I can't even count the number of times I've heard people talking on their phone while using the bathroom. I can't bring myself to get noisy (which is what DH has suggested I do), but do I make sure to flush the toilet while they're on the phone so the other person is painfully aware of where they have chosen to have the conversation.

The worst part is the hand-washing, though. I may be overly clean with my hands, but I also am trying really hard not to get sick. I wash my hands with soap for 1-2 minutes--at least. I would say 3 of 5 people that leave the restroom while I'm in there don't wash their hands. 1 of the remaining 2 only splash a bit of water on their hands. And then they all go and touch the door handle . Ick.

So my co-worker and I have started turning on the water, washing our hands, getting the paper towel using our elbows, then using the paper towel to turn off the water and also using it to open the door. I get a lot of strange looks when walking out of the bathroom holding a paper towel, but it makes me feel a bit cleaner, so oh well--call me neurotic, go ahead :)

The deed is done

DH went this morning for his SA. I was going to buy him some materials for his viewing pleasure, but he pulled out the pictures I gave him for our first anniversary instead :)

So $255 later, we should have results in 3 to 5 days to my OB office.

And he has officially done his part. I hope above hope that it isn't a problem with him. Well, actually, I kind of hope it isn't a problem with either of us. Maybe it's just taking a bit longer for no real reason. Maybe we just need to learn to be patient. Maybe it's a lesson to me that some things just don't come easily.

So next we move onto an u/s. I've got a date this Friday at 3 p.m. with the dildo-cam. Don't worry, we'll use protection.

I should O either this weekend or early next week (tends to fall on either Monday or Tuesday). So you know what this weekend will bring....bow chicka bow bow ;)

You might notice the tone of this is a little more light-hearted. I don't know if it's the 6 months of experience, the high level of stress at work, or the fact that we're moving forward with some testing, but I feel more relaxed this cycle. I don't necessarily feel more hopeful, just less stressed about this.

Co-workers and their babies

My two closest co-workers have kids who are exactly 6 months apart. Their kids are adorable and, most of the time, I'm happy to talk about them and listen to them talk about them.

However, every once in awhile, I just have a hard time dealing with it. I really thought I would have a baby about two years younger than the one co-worker's....but no, that would mean I would need to be pg by now since I would need to be due in February or March.

I also think one of them (if not both) will be trying for baby #2 very soon. And it would make me very sad if they got pg before we did. So I'm always bracing myself for the announcement. I can't let myself think about what it would be like if they announced it...watching them get bigger...nope, got to stop today.

Today it hurts listening to them talk about their kids. It's not their fault in the least. At all. But it just makes me sad and I wanted to put that out there to my readers. Most days I'm okay. Just not today.