Last night as we were going to sleep, DH and I were watching 17 Kids and Counting, the show about the Duggars, a family with 17 kids and one on the way. They're deeply religious and talk a lot about how they keep having children because it's God's will and He will stop giving them children when He is ready.
I'm sure they believe the converse--if you aren't meant to have children, God won't give you any. I'm guessing they don't believe in fertility treatments or, really, doing much of anything to improve the odds of getting pregnant.
Since I am trying to get reacquainted with God and have a better relationship with Him, I've given this a lot of thought. I just refuse to believe that it's in God's will for DH and me to not have children. I KNOW we will be great parents when our time comes. I do believe that it's in the realm of possibility that He just wants us to wait awhile and be patient and that's what I'm trying to accept in my heart, but I just cannot believe that the loving God that I know would want my wonderful, giving, loving husband to not be able to father children of his own or for me to not be a mother.
All that said, I believe it will happen in His time, not ours. Yes, we can do all kinds of things to improve our odds of conceiving. We can take all the supplements, pee on all sorts of sticks, take temperatures, etc. to be as prepared as possible, but if it's not time, it won't happen. And I, the control freak, am working to accept that. Today, in this moment, I understand that in my heart and I finally accept that we can't control it all. Even if we were to do IVF with ICSI (where sperm are injected into the egg and then embryos are cultivated and put back into my body), we don't have control over whether those embryos implant.
So we'll keep trying. And I'm sure each failure will still hurt, but we're going to do our best to move forward and better ourselves and enjoy the time we are without children so we can be better parents when the time comes.
(Note: I am saying this today...that's not to say that tomorrow I won't be crying again and ready to have a baby NOW. This is a roller coaster, after all...you can't have pitfalls without the uphill.)
4 comments:
I believe God has a plan for all of us. During my TTC days I remember feeling everything that you are feeling...the highs the lows...the sad days..the days full of possibility. My thoughts continue to be with you through this journey.
((HUGS))
Oh to know the mind of God! I have wrestled with this same concept for some time. What I have whittled it down to is that God has a plan for all of our lives. Your plan is not my plan and visa versa. I too believe that God has placed a strong desire on my heart that I will be a mother and my husband a father. I'm just not sure if my plan of birthing a child is God's plan for us and He has not reveled the details of said plan to us yet. God uses experiences in our lives to teach us things, be it patience, humility or even just to take more time to get to know Him better. It gets our attention and prepares us for where He is taking us next.
I think you are on the right track by trying to yield to His plan verses your plan. Each day it is a struggle to remind yourself of this and some days are better than others. I just had one of those moments the other day. I totally get where you are at right now and you are not alone.
I am right there with you, though you are a little further along in your TTC journey than we are, and can honestly say that I feel the same way you do. No, that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt some days, but it also means that you are putting it into the hands of someone who has a whole lot more control over the situation than you do. The people at my small group from church have been invaluable in my coming to this conclusion and finding comfort and maybe even a little joy in the fact that I know, even if I don't know by what means, we will be a parent when God knows it is our time.
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