2009 in Review

I wanted to do a 2009 meme and found this one on a few blogs, so here goes:

What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Gave birth!

Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't think I made any...and I don't really plan to make any this year. I know a lot of people view the beginning of the year as a new start, but if I didn't want to make a change on 12/31, why 1/1?

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Oh yeah. Five close friends (one newly close b/c of her having her baby) had FIVE boys between May 29th and August 21st.

Did anyone close to you die?
No, but my BFF from college's father passed in late May.

What countries did you spend time in this year?
USA

What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A good night's sleep.
Better communication with DH
Peace of mind. I stress too much.

What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 29, 2009--the day my life changed forever
I would say the day that we found out we were having a girl, but I couldn't tell you that exact date, but it must not be etched...lol

What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Duh. :) Surviving giving birth. Exclusively breastfeeding my baby girl for over 5 months (and still going strong). Loving one little person more than I could ever have imagined.

What was your biggest failure?
Losing touch with a lot of people.
Not being a support system for my best friends when they need me.

Did you suffer any serious injury or illness?
Besides being sliced open to extract a baby? Nope.

What was the best thing you bought?
Our new car or our new camera. I can't decide.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
My DH. He's been a rock for me through the last five months. He's been a bigger support system than I could ever have imagined he would be, both physically and emotionally.

Whose behaviour made you appalled and/or depressed?
My own sometimes. I feel guilty for not enjoying every second with my baby and for having times of resenting her.

Where did most of your money go?
Baby junk, including daycare

Compared to this time last year, are you,
a) happier or sadder? a little sadder, I think. Well, I wouldn't say sad--just more stressed out. I was blissfully happy about having a baby this time last year and now I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
b) thinner or fatter? Sadly, I think a bit fatter. Still need to lose about 30 pounds of baby weight to get to my pre-pregnancy size. Nervous to cut calories because I'm very scared about my milk production and this possibly impending 6 month supply dip.
c) richer or poorer? Poorer in money, richer in love (yes, you can puke now). Paying for daycare each month is pretty draining financially.

What did you get really, really excited about?
Baby, baby, baby!

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Gone out to eat with DH before baby came. :)

Did you fall in love in 2009?
Every time I see my husband kiss, hug, hold, snuggle, or play with my daughter, I fall in love all over again.

How many one-night stands?
Nope--I've got the same routine overnight every single night...and I can assure you that it doesn't include anything romantic (although there is one person who is playing with my bo.obs)

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Don't think so. I do my best not to hate people.

What was the best book you read?
I don't remember...how sad is that? I know I liked some Book Club books, but I am struggling to remember life before baby!

What did you want and not get?
A vaginal delivery

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
We went out to Mongolian BBQ while my parents watched the baby, then came home and watched the OSU vs. Indiana football game. I turned 28.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being able to be a SAHM.

Who did you miss?
The baby in my belly some days :)

Who was the best new person you met?
Any of the Nesties that I'd never met before IRL--I love finally putting faces to the names and voices on the board. Also, the LCs, nurses, and PCAs that I interacted with at the hospital--they were such a blessing!

Tell us a valuable life lesson(s) you learned in 2009.
Sleep when the baby sleeps. :)
Your best friends will understand when you detatch from the world for awhile and will still be there waiting when you emerge again.

What sums up this year? (a word, a quote... ?)
Baby! She is my world.

Five Months Old

I can't believe she's already five months old.

Baby girl has such a wonderful temperment. She's quick with a smile to anyone she meets. She loves people, especially ones that will let her stick their fingers in her mouth.

She's chewing on everything these days. Anything she comes into contact with goes directly into her mouth. Even once she tastes something and isn't a fan, it'll go right back into the mouth. All of her stuffed animals are pretty crusty now because of all the drool. Along these lines, she also tried to nurse on stuff ed animals with noses--they must look like nip.ples.

She's a total champ at rolling from belly to back. She isn't a huge fan of being on her belly (although she'll sleep there if we let her for naps), so she'll almost immediately roll onto her back. Within the last week she's started rolling onto her sides from her back, so I don't think it'll be too long before she's rolling from back to belly.

She will be sleeping in a Pack.n.Play at the sitter's beginning today, as she's started getting up on her hands and feet in the bassinet!

In the last week she's started throwing her upper body backward to see what's behind her (or just for fun sometimes). It's silly and she always laughs as she does it.

She can sit in a tripod position for awhile, but inevitably will get excited or want to see what's behind her (see above) and will go toppling over. She's getting better and better at sitting, though, and last night she did sit for about a minute without having any hands on the ground or on anything else. Of course, she got excited about her animal she was chewing on and went falling to the side.

Baby girl still loves to stand up whenever possible. We haven't seen any improvement in her ability to stand--for the last few months she's been able to stand holding only your fingers and much prefers to be in this position than sitting or laying down.

She gets giggling sometimes and it is the most adorable thing! The thing that will get her giggling most often is quickly moving your face toward hers. This also includes fake sneezing (something about the head movement). She loves it!

She loves playing in her Exer.saucer and is getting better and better at entertaining herself with a toy. She has recently decided she isn't a huge fan of her Bum.bo, though, and has started arching her back to try to escape from it after sitting there for a couple of minutes.

Her sleeping is less than optimal and we're working on trying to find a fix for that. She previously slept very well when swaddled, but that doesn't hold true anymore. She's also awake every 3 hours, but eats well when awake, so I don't think we'll work on discouraging that anytime soon. She fights sleep like crazy, which makes naps and bedtime fairly painful. When we catch her before she gets overtired, though, she did a lot better, so we're working on being extra attentive to her drowsy cues and catching her before she gets overtired. She naps best on her belly, but we aren't letting her try that overnight until she can get herself there.

She was never a child who stared at her hands in amazement. It just seemed that all of a sudden she started using them. She's now a pro and will grab most things and also passes them from one hand to the other. Since her grasping reflex is gone, she does lose her grip at times--typically over the edge of her Bum.bo or Exer.saucer, which then leads to her leaning over the edge, trying to see where it went. She also will grab the binky out of her mouth and toss it (we think this is still mostly unintentional). She's also grabbing at her feet, but still hasn't pulled them up to put them her in mouth. Rather, she'll typically bend her upper body down to try to get them in her mouth.

Her digestive system seems to always be changing. Most recently (as in just in the last 3 days) she has started pooping more regularly again. Until now, she'd only been going every week or so, which resulted in a huge blowout. However, the poops she's been having have been fairly rough on her--on 12/27 she started making gasping noises, scaring the heck out of Mommy and Daddy. We eventually figured out that it was related to her pooping and that she was totally happy during it, so she wasn't in distress. So scary, though. We're not sure if the change is because of the things I have eaten over the holidays or just because she's growing--probably a combination of the two.

I think that's about it. This little lady is such a joy to be around until bedtime. Even when she's past when she should've gone to sleep, she's a giggly, happy little girl...until you try to put her to sleep. But we love her to pieces and can't imagine life without her. She's loving and sweet and always smiling. Can't wait to see what this next month brings!

Tooth

Not much time to write, but wanted to get this out there so I don't forget it for later.

Wednesday, December 16th, we discovered a little sharp white thing poking out of the baby's gums. It seems to be a tooth. It came through without much fussiness or anything. The sitter (in her infinite wisdom) says that when the drool is stringier, that's an indication that a tooth is on the way. Well, hers now stretches a couple of feet. The tooth has since disappeared again, but it looks like her gums are a bit swollen around there, so I'm guessing it'll come through sometime... She is now chewing on everything she can get in her mouth with her favorite chew toy being Grandma B's fingers.

Good thing I invested in a teething toy for her: HERE I can't wait for it to arrive!

Answering Mandy's Question

This question comes from Mandy, a new mommy herself (her little one is just 12 days older than mine!) who is working crazy hours...I have no idea how she does it!

How many kids do you want? How far apart would you like them to be? What would you like, i.e. all girls, one of each, one girl and the rest boys, etc.? (I know you can't choose that, but I'm wondering what you envision as ideal.)

We've been going back and forth of this recently. I would like either 2 or 3 kids. If we could afford (both with money and time) to give them all the things that we want (a LOT of help with college, allowing them to take whatever lessons they want, giving help with homework, spending time with them), I'd say 3. But with working for the state, the financial stuff just tends to get in the way. For now we'll say three, though.

I always assumed we'd have them about 2-3 years apart. I think I'd like to start trying when E is 18 months or so--I'd like them a little closer together than 3 years. Of course, it may not happen right away again, which is another reason I want to start trying early and then if we do get pregnant the first time, I'd be fine with having them 2 years and 3 months apart.

As for the genders, I would, honestly, rather have a bunch of girls. Just not a big fan of little boys (not baby boys...little boys once they get to be 5 or so). That said, DH REALLY wants a boy. And now that we've found out we're about to get two more nieces (we already have one...no boys on DH's side at all and I'm an only child, so we won't have any nieces or nephews at all on my side), it would be really neat to give my father in law a grandson. So if #2 could be a boy, that'd be great. Then #3 can be a girl without freaking DH out too terribly much :)

Answering Trisha's Question

I've determined a winner of the giveaway, but am not going to reveal the winner just yet--I'm going to answer everyone else's questions first...so if I answer your question, you didn't win (well, you didn't win the giveaway...you won in learning something about me, though!)


This question came from Trisha, the social media saavy mommy of Delaney:

How has your social life changed after the baby?

What social life? Really... I swore that after the baby arrived I would still do the same things I did before--Book Club, girls' dinners, spending a weekend with friends out of town...but in reality, I don't do any of them anymore. They all seem so insignificant next to spending time with my little girl. I know for my own sanity I need to make an effort to get out, but being a working mom, it's REALLY hard to do that during the week. After missing her all day long, I have a hard time setting aside more time to spend away from her.

That said, I've gotten closer to my friends who have little ones about E's age. I see one of them very regularly and spent time with her and her little boy, Baby D, while we were both on maternity leave. I've also reconnected via email and Face.book with a couple of college friends who have had babies recently.

I am happy to report, however, that we were able to successfully host our annual Christmas party this past weekend. It's small, mind you (just two other couples--and one of those couples is the parents of Baby D that I mentioned above), but it felt like such an accomplishment. Yes, I had to give up a little control of the food (DH and our friends did some cooking while I was feeding E), but overall it turned out well. We still had good food and got to spend time with our friends. The night ended earlier than normal, two of us had to take time out to feed our children, there was a bit of kid noise, but I think it's just the way the party is evolving. I can't wait until next year when the little ones are mobile!

I'm going to make an effort to get out of the house...someday. I'm just happy to know my friends will be there for me once I decide to come out of hiding. For now, though, I'm just enjoying every second I get with E. She's such a joy and I don't want to miss a minute more than I already have to because of work.

I haven't forgotten

I haven't forgotten at all about your questions and my giveaway, I'm just distracted with a puking baby.

Four month appointment was yesterday (also got family photos done beforehand). According to the doctor, she's perfect. :)

Stats:
Weight: 13 lbs 14 oz (just over 50th percentile)
Length: 23 7/8 inches (just under 50th percentile)
Head: somewhere around 41 cm, I think--around 60th percentile

The doctor laughed when I told him that lots of people keep telling me how teeny baby is. He said she's perfect. We also got the clearance to start cereals (starting with barley or oatmeal since she's only pooing once a week or so--apparently rice can really back baby up). Not sure when we'll start that.

Anyway, after the appointment, we went to the mall. Baby was very well-behaved, but kept spitting up on DH's shirt (she was in the front carrier). She was happy and just took in all the people and commotion. She passed out in the car on the way home, so we ran a few more errands (DH ran into the stores while I drove in circles to keep baby sleeping). Once awake again, she started spitting up more.

I called the nurse to explain what was happening. She wanted to know if it was vomiting or just spitting up (vomit apparently is more forceful...but I have no idea what this is). She told us to try giving her some Pedia.lyte to see if she can keep that down. We were going to try this, but she kept down a lot more of her next feeding, so we decided maybe she was feeling better. She had a good night--was her normal happy self and all...just spitting up much more than usual.

DH was so concerned about it that he slept in the rocking chair until she woke for her first feeding just in case she choked at some point in the night. It was so sweet. She was fine, of course :)

This morning, though, she started spitting up/vomiting quite a bit again. We decided to take her to the sitter's anyway, but as we put her in her coat, she did it again. That's when we decided to keep her home. DH has her this morning and is trying to give her the Pedia.lyte (she refused it the first time). She's still happy and playful and not getting dehydrated, so we're trying not to worry too much and are hoping it's just a reaction to a vaccine or something. I'm heading home around noon to trade out (DH has a 1:00 meeting) and hoping she's feeling much better by the time I get there.

An important anniversary

This weekend it will have been one year since we found out we were pregnant. It was during halftime of the OSU vs. M*ch*g*n game, which just happens to be tomorrow.

I can't believe it's been a year. So much has changed. So much hasn't. I can't believe I've been through a pregnancy and had my little one here for almost four months now in this short year. Where is the time going? I really hope it doesn't keep going so quickly, but have a feeling that it will. I try to enjoy every single moment because I know that every phase we go through will pass sooner than later.

Wow. It's hard to believe how much life change we've been through in one year.

PS--I've had some great questions already posted and am excited to start answering them. If you haven't submitted a question, please do so for a chance to win a really fantastic prize! :)

Ask me anything...and a giveaway

I'm playing a game that I've seen on other blogs...ask me anything. In the comments for this post, you can ask me anything. I may choose to be a bit vague so I don't reveal *too* much information (mostly names), but I will answer any question that is asked of me.

As enticement to participate, I will be giving a special prize to a random person who asks a question to me. I haven't determined what it is yet, but I promise it'll be something that you'll like :)

Yes, this is bribery. But I'm tired of seeing that there are a bunch of people reading and not knowing who is around! Don't be shy!!! The deadline to ask me questions is next Thursday, Thanksgiving (November 26th). I'll answer the questions in future blog posts.

Posts in my head

I don't have nearly as much time to blog as I would like, which leads to me writing blog posts in my head. You can (hopefully) look forward to posts titled things like:

Beautiful
What I Want
Mommy's Guilt
Developmental Update
My Christmas Wishlist

I'm sure there are more. And I might end up posting something special for my 300th post (which is the next one). We'll see.

But I'm still here. Still trucking along, trying to redefine who I am now without completely losing myself, but while encompassing my new role as a mommy. It's a struggle and has led to some frustration and sadness. But through it all, I still love my little girl more than I ever could have imagined.

Memoirs from Maternity Leave

I wanted to get this post written before those glorious twelve weeks have left my mind forever. I do hope they never do, though, as they were wonderful and I want to remember my first three months with my little girl. Was it all rainbows and flowers? No, of course not. But in retrospect I'm realizing that I was so blessed to be able to spend that time with my little girl.

Every day I watched The Price Is Right, What Not to Wear, and ER. Many days I'd also watch Dr. Oz. When you've got a newborn, all they really do it sleep and eat...there just isn't much interaction there. So while feeding and snuggling, what else is there to do? I'd DVR these shows so I could turn them on and watch without commercials. I also watched some movies and lots of other random shows.

Toward the end of leave (just when it was getting fun and we were falling into a routine), we would wake up around 6 or 7, DD would eat, then she'd go back to sleep. Many days I'd just snuggle her in my bed and we'd sleep together there for a couple of hours. I miss our snuggle time more than words can say. We would start out chest to chest on our sides and end up with both of us on our backs, her head supported on my arm. When she started to squirm, many times I would open my eyes to see her looking over at me, wide-eyed and happy to see Mommy so close. Magic.

We also loved taking walks together. Of course it was getting chilly by the time I came back to work, but when it was warmer (but not too warm!) I'd load her up into her stroller and we'd walk the neighborhood. Some days she'd snooze, some days she'd just look around. One day we even walked down to UDF and Mommy bought some chips and a hot dog, as that seemed to be the only way I could eat since she was sleeping on me if she was sleeping.

We also got to visit with two of my mommy friends who had little ones: Sarah and her baby boy D (born 3 weeks 1 day after our baby girl) and get up eight and her own baby boy D (born 12 days before baby girl). I'd hoped to do it a bit more, but it was wonderful as it was. We got to compare notes, woes, and even shed a few tears. They were a great support system when things were tough emotionally. I even got to witness the elder of the baby D's roll over for the first time!

Sure, I felt trapped by having her sleep on me most days, but looking back, I wish I could have that all over again. I would let her sleep on me all day every day to be able to spend that much time with her again.

It's Official

I do believe, even after last night, that I can declare that we have a baby who sleeps through the night! She's been sleeping for at least 5 hours in one stretch for quite awhile now, but we have made it a week now with only two nights of waking in the middle of the night. At most, she's slept 10 hours and at the minimum, 8.

Last Saturday night she woke up after only about 5 hours, but she slept a bit more during the day than she does at daycare.

Yesterday she woke after about 6 1/2 hours, but she had wiggled her fist out of her swaddle and was sucking on it and woke herself with that. That's just a problem with a faulty swaddling :) Of course now whenever she wakes in the middle of the night, though, she thinks it's morning and wants to play. So last night DH spent almost an hour rocking her back to sleep.

I was previously a firm believer in that whole sleep begets sleep concept, but now that she's at a sitter's and only sleeping a little bit there (maybe 3 hours total in the 9 1/2 hours she's there?) she's sleeping like crazy at home. I think it also has to do with the fact that she's a bit older and doesn't get overtired quite as easily, which is SO nice. In the first few months if she slept as little during the day as she's sleeping now, she would be a screaming mess in the evenings. Now she just passes out after eating.

Our nighttime routine has changed a bit since she's started daycare as well. We now get home around 5:30 and she usually snoozes in her carseat for about 20 minutes. When she wakes up, she eats, then we play and hang out. If she seems extra tired, we'll let her take a 20 minute lap, unswaddled. Then she'll get up, play a bit more, eat, then pass out for the night. We haven't even really had time for massages, books, or anything. She's just so tired from all the excitement of the sitter's.

As much as all this sleeping is nice, we both really miss our little girl.

She did it!

Last night (Oct. 27th), baby girl rolled over on her own!!! Mommy, Daddy, and she were laying on the floor. She lifted her head up and started to lean. All of sudden, she just rolled over onto her back!!!!

I have some more philosophical posts to write, but no time....but I had to write this down. We couldn't be more proud!!!

Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho

And off to work I went.

Today was rough. But at least I was distracted by seeing my coworkers and showing off pictures of my beautiful baby. Tomorrow has the possibility to be even worse.

I worked 6 hours--8-2:30 (with a half hour lunch....sort of). The drop off was pretty painful. I couldn't believe I left my baby in someone else's arms. Ugh.

Pumped three times--8:30, 11:30, and 1:30. Got 5 oz. at 8:30, but only 5 oz. combined between the other two feedings. Very frustrating.

Picked up just after 3:00. The sitter and baby were snoozing together in the rocking chair--precious! I will say I was a bit disappointed by how little detail we received about how much she slept and ate and when, though. It felt like she didn't want to tell us how much she cried. We knew she would cry and, honestly, I wouldn't be phased by that. She did eat 14 oz., which scares me when I realize I need to pump enough to keep up with that. I'll just have to be pumping over the weekends and in the evenings, too, I suppose. I'm hoping, too, that the sitter didn't just pump her full of food because she was upset. Baby normally only eats twice in the time she was there today.

Hopefully she's just getting used to the way the baby is and it will all get into a better routine next week. And hopefully tomorrow isn't harder--I'll have less to concentrate on at work and I'll be more anxious about pumping enough to meet her needs (which, of course, could decrease my output...can you say vicious cycle?).

The return

In all of my wildest dreams about my last day of maternity leave, I would never have imagined sitting downstairs with a baby who won't go back to sleep at 5:30 a.m. with spit up down the front of me. DH took the day off to spend with us. I thought we'd all nap together, go take a walk (it's supposed to be beautiful today), and just spend time with our baby before we abandon her (my feeling) with a stranger (again, the way I feel about it).

Every time I begin to think about returning to work, I break down sobbing. I am dreading it more than I've ever dreaded anything before in my life. I don't want to leave her. Of course, there's lots of things that no one wants to do as adults, but we have to suck it up and do it. So I'll be sucking it up, but I won't like it.

First Overnight Trip

Saturday we made a trip to DH's parents' house to spend the night. Both the drive up and back were fairly uneventful--it took the baby about 20 minutes to fall asleep, slept for about 30-40 minutes, then she was awake for the remaining 40 minutes or so. If DH hadn't been in the backseat to entertain and pop in a binky when necessary, it could have been ugly.

Of course the weird location threw off the baby's sleeping. Her sleeping hours had been on the decline anyhow (8 1/2 hours one night, then 7, then 6, then Saturday night we got 5 1/2 and last night another 5 1/2). We still did her bedtime routine, but didn't rock her until she was fully asleep. Of course that meant she woke up in the playpen unhappy. I picked her up and she snuggled in and fell asleep. I just laid on the daybed with her to get her into a sound sleep, then she slept those 5 1/2 hours for us in the playpen. She got up to eat, then didn't want to go back to sleep. DH hung out with her for an hour and she fell asleep, then woke up. I went in and picked her up and she promptly fell asleep on my shoulder. We then slept together on the daybed for two hours. Whatever you have to do, right?

Generally, the trip was a good one, though. I was paranoid about germs the whole time. Asked DH's cousin to wash her hands before holding the baby.

She also, of course, needed to eat at dinnertime on Saturday, so I fed her while everyone else ate. *sigh* I suppose it's a hazard of a breastfeeding mom, though.

We were all very glad to be home and back into our own routines yesterday, though!!!

Baby Poop?

I will never be able to look at the fall leaves the same again. On our drive back from out of town this weekend, DH and I were looking at the leaves and how pretty the colors were. Then we both remembered that our pedi told us that baby poop can be any color that you find on leaves. We looked at the trees, remembering the different colored diapers we had changed.

Sleeping Progress!

I didn't want to jinx us by posting yesterday, but at 10 weeks of age, the night of October 7th, DD slept through the night!!!

This was written yesterday (Thursday):

This child never ceases to amaze me!

She napped well yesterday morning, took a restless nap (but still a good length) early afternoon (both on me or grandma), then only took two half hour naps from 2:30 until 8. She wasn't overly cranky, but had her moments.

At 7:30, I looked up baby massage and had DH do a pretty lengthy one (ended up doing it 1 1/2 times since she seemed to really like it). Paused the TV, turned off the lights besides a lamp on dim. We then put her in her sleeper and I read her a book (well, most of one). I then popped in her binky and rocked her to sleep (took about a half an hour, as she fought it for awhile--she fell asleep at 8:30). We sat in the chair until 9:30, to be sure she was in a deep sleep, then DH put her in her crib. She stirred a bit, but went right back to sleep. Next thing I knew, it was 4:00 and she was making noises in her sleep. I laid there waiting for her to wake up and finally fell back asleep. She didn't wake until 5:00!

I also gave her gas drops at 4 p.m. and then at her 6:30 p.m. feeding. Not sure if they helped, but we're going to keep trying. I forgot to give them to her at her 5 a.m. feeding, though.

She was up for a bit after eating (had one big spit-up--might have been b/c I was so engorged that she got the milk fairly forcefully), but generally fell back asleep pretty easily. She's been sleeping since then and still is at 9:30 (edited to add: she woke up at 9:45).

I hope this is the start of something good...and that she isn't getting sick. I'm also hoping that I can replicate this with her snoozing in the swing some. I don't think I can really have her napping on me all day long. Even if it just happens once for now, I know it CAN happen!

-----
Yesterday I tried to replicate the day and did so fairly well (and she did do some snoozing in the swing). We did a bath after her last short evening nap (maybe this is going to be her normal?), then moved onto a massage (she didn't like it for too long), then rocking with a pacifier. She pooped after 15 minutes of soothing (started at 9:20), which meant we needed to start over again. She fell into a good sleep around 10. At 11, DH put her down and she slept until 5:15. Yay for over 7 hours of sleep!!!

I hope this is the beginning of something good. I also hope we can vary the day a bit and still get the same results...we'll find out this weekend, as I think we may be taking a trip out of town.

Normalcy

Tonight I regained a bit of normalcy. I put on makeup for the first time since baby was born (prior to her birth I wore it every day unless we were just laying around the house). I kept my hair down for the first time since baby was born (and it had been awhile before that, too, I think). DH and I went out to dinner in a restaurant for the first time since baby was born. We still haven't gotten brave enough to try to take baby to a restaurant, so it was the first time at all. Spent time with DH without a baby around for the first time since she was born. If she's sleeping now and we're awake, she's typically sleeping on us, while when she sleeps in her crib we're either sleeping or DH isn't here.

It was weird. And not normal at all. But it's nice, too. I've missed my husband (and, really, still do). I felt really guilty that I didn't really stress too much about leaving the baby or being away from her. Maybe because I have been so overwhelmed and stressed being *with* her that it was nice to get a break. Also, she was with my parents, who I knew would do just fine with her. DH promised he was stressed enough about leaving her for the both of us, though.

Or not

Making her warm didn't seem to do a darn thing for her yesterday. Of course, it probably didn't help that she didn't sleep more than 30 minutes at a time (did this twice) between 12:15 p.m. and 1 a.m. She finally fell asleep with Daddy on the couch. He brought her upstairs at 4 a.m. to eat, then I put her down. She slept (fairly restlessly) until 9 a.m. Yes, it was nice to sleep in, but what a rough evening! Not sure what to do with her now. Am starting to think those two good nights of sleep might have been because we had vaccines on Tuesday...can we get more of those???

Two Months Old

I'm a few days late on this one, but finally have some time at the computer to write it up!

At two months old, baby:

• Holds her head up (unless she's tired--then she slouches forward a bit)
• Supports her weight on her legs for at least 10-15 seconds
• Stands flat-footed
• Smiles big toothless grins in response to smiles
• Nurses 10 minutes to a side 6-8 times per day
• Spits up a few times a day
• Poops anywhere between twice and five times a day
• Gets the hiccups one or two times a day
• Has very thin hair except underneath the nub on the back of her head
• Rubs off the hair on the back of her nub
• Follows objects (especially her favorite ducky toy) almost 180 degrees (limited a bit by the torticollis)
• Pushes off with her legs when laying on her tummy, but ends up just skidding along her face
• Sleeps in her new (hand-me-down from a friend) papasan swing during the afternoons
• Still loves sleeping on Mommy or Daddy
• Is struggling to find a good sleep routine and fights sleep at night
• Has the most beautiful dark brown eyes that still have a bit of a ring of blue around them
• Has gorgeous, long eyelashes
• Holds her toys if you put them in her hand
• Plays with her tongue almost constantly
• Has started chewing on her tongue
• Tongues your shoulder as you hold her
• Will latch onto a finger, a cheek--anything, really
• Loves being around people--even the doctor
• Is starting to reach for toys
• Is calmed by being outside, feeling the sun and the breeze
• Sucks on her fists anytime she isn't eating or sleeping

Even though her lack of sleeping can be very frustrating, we are in love with this beautiful little girl and can't wait to see what the future months bring!

Solution?

Had another really rough night last night. We started bedtime routine and trying to get her to sleep around 9. By 10 DH had had enough rocking and I took over. I got her to fall asleep around 10:45 and took her upstairs. Within a couple of minutes, she was fussing again. DH and I both spent lots of time in her room until 11:45 when I decided to bring her back downstairs to rock some more. By this time, of course, she's overtired and starting to get hungry, I'm sure. But I got her to fall back asleep by 12:45. Took her back upstairs. Woke back up within 15 minutes. *sigh*

DH brings her in the bedroom (whenever I deal with her, I keep her in her room or take her downstairs so DH can sleep, yet when he's got her, he brings her in the bedroom...ugh) and asks, "What should we do with her?" I got upset (irrationally, exhaustedly so) and told him that if he just thought she needed to eat, I could have gotten up and taken care of it my (insert expletive here) self. I sat up, started feeding her, told DH to go to sleep. He stayed sitting up, but not doing anything useful. Told him to go to sleep again. 15 minutes later, she was sleeping.

DH took her to her room, laid her down, and she slept until 5 a.m. Not bad, but not great.

DH brings her back in the bedroom, I flood her with food (we only used one side the last feeding, so the left side hadn't been used since 8:30 p.m.), then once I finish feeding her, DH took her back to bed. She started fussing before he made it back to bed. Thankfully, he took care of her. Apparently she ended up staying up until close to 6:30 (when his alarm goes off at 6). He told me that he was getting in the shower and I would need to deal with her if she woke up. Luckily she didn't, but she didn't sleep soundly, either.

He left at 7 and I slept very lightly, listening to her squirming and groaning.

She was up for good around 8:45 and is now swaddled in her swing.

While I was feeding her this morning (at 8:45), I started trying to figure out what was different about last night as opposed to Tuesday and Wednesday night (as she had slept beautifully Tuesday and Wednesday nights--went down easily, slept for a good length of time, and went back to sleep after waking). All of a sudden, it dawned on me. Tuesday and Wednesday nights we had put a short sleeve onesie under her sleeper, but since the heat had caught up and her room was 72 degrees (and because everything I read says that overheating is a risk factor for SIDS), I didn't put anything under her sleeper. I think she might have been cold. We didn't think in the middle of the night to check her temperature, of course.

We'll be layering a lot from now on.

Two month appointment

Just got home from baby's two month doctor appointment. Her stats:

Weight: 11 lbs 0 oz (just over 50th percentile)
Height: 23 in (just under 50th percentile)
Head circumference: 39 1/4 cm (between 50th and 75th percentile)

She also got two shots (one with 5 separate vaccines and one with just one) and one oral vaccine. Mommy and Daddy stepped out into the hall while the shots were given so we could swoop in and rescue her. Imagine our surprise when she had already stopped crying in the nurse's arms when the door was opened! She was such a good girl! We're now giving her Tylenol every 4 hours today to help avoid a fever and illness. We're also supposed to keep an eye on her temperature to be sure it doesn't exceed 104 and are supposed to call the doctor if it does or if she is inconsolably fussy for more than 3 hours. Could be an interesting evening!

The doctor was pleased with her progress--the major milestones he was looking for were her cooing and holding her head up, both of which she demonstrated in the office before he even had a chance to ask! We need to work a little more on doing tummy time twice a day for 5 minutes a session and will do that.

Baby and I will be going to meet with a physical therapist tomorrow for an evaluation and to get some exercises to work on. Between those and tummy time, we'll spend all of her awake time (which there still isn't much of) exercising!

Torticollis Update

After seeing the doctor, we went for an ultrasound at the Child.ren's Hosp.ital here in town. The ultrasound came back verifying that the lump was muscular (which means it isn't a tumor or something like that), so we then had an x-ray at the same place. The x-ray was really traumatizing for all of us involved (mommy and Grandma B. and baby). Grandma held down her arms while I had to hold a rolled-up piece of cloth under her chin to hold her head straight. She seemed to be in so much pain--it was awful. The tech was really sweet and assured us that she wasn't being hurt by the procedure and even hurried to allow me to comfort her once we were done.

The x-ray came back that the problem wasn't cervical, basically confirming that the problem is torticollis and could be fixed by some physical therapy. The pediatrician is supposed to refer us to a PT. In the meantime, we've been doing a few stretches that I've found online to try to work on her neck. I'm already seeing some improvement--she looks further to her right more often now.

Taboo

Why is it that no one ever talks about how awful these first months are? You might think I'm lying, but I truly believe that I don't have a particularly difficult child. She's happy when she's awake, naps well in the mornings, sleeps for long stretches during the night, eats well, doesn't spit up too much...but last night I was ready to throw in the towel. I've thought that before, but last night I was honestly one more waking from walking out the door. I found myself actually regretting getting pregnant and having this baby.

I never thought I'd feel that way. We worked so hard to have this baby and I love her, I really do. But every single evening we fight bedtime. She naps well during the day, and has finally started to be able to go to sleep without needing to eat every time. She's happy when she's awake as long as we don't let her stay awake for too long. But around 5:00 it's like we trade her in for a different baby. She won't go to sleep no matter what we do. And if she does, she'll sleep for maybe a half an hour, then wake up again. We've tried gas drops, letting her cry a little, rocking, shhing, swaying, walking, car rides, stroller rides, swings, swaddling, baths, letting her sleep more earlier in the day, letting her be awake, putting her to bed earlier, putting her to bed later, pacifiers, nursing to sleep...it seems like we've done everything we've read about possiblly working. Last night she slept from 4 to 5, 7 to 7:30, then was up until 1:30. During those 6 hours she would doze off and we'd put her in her crib, only to have her start screaming again within 10-15 minutes. We were at our wits end and whenever she would doze off were afraid to move.

I, mortified for feeling the way I did, reluctantly talked to DH about it this morning. He told me that others have to have been there. Other people, even those who had tried for awhile to have babies, have to have had moments of wishing to go back. Of looking in those baby eyes and wishing for the life we had before she arrived. But no one speaks of it. No, we're all afraid of being judged. I, for one, am afraid that my friends who are still struggling to have a baby will think I'm completely selfish and ungrateful. But I need to get this out there. I believe it's normal for parents to feel this way, but why didn't anyone warn us of this? Why didn't anyone tell me that, even if I have a pleasant baby, I could end up wanting to set her down and just walk away?

For that matter, why doesn't anyone talk about how trapped you feel with a newborn? Maybe my child is an anomaly because she won't sleep in a car seat if it's not in a car, making me even more reluctant to get out of the house. But surely there are others out there, not feeling able to leave the house for fear that their child will start screaming in the middle of the store. Why don't we mothers admit to these feelings, for the good of mothers to come?

Because admitting these feelings would be admitting that we're human. That we AREN'T supermom. Moms are supposed to be invincible--able to raise a child, keep the house clean, and still be completely rested and happy all at the same time. But we can't. We aren't. And I think it's time, at least to each other, that we admit that. I'm admitting it. I can only do one of those at a time and don't really have a choice but to choose to raise my baby. So my happiness, my house's cleanliness, and my restfulness are going to have to take a backburner for now. And that will have to be okay.

Doctor Appt

We had an unexpected trip to the pediatrician this morning.

On Thursday evening I discovered that baby's belly button is sticking out. Not like an outie, but the whole thing. My godson had had an umbilical hernia and that's what I immediately recognized this as. I wasn't sure if there were other things it *could* be, though, so I called the pediatrician's office on Friday morning to see if they needed to see her before our 2 month appt on the 29th. They said it could wait.

Then Friday late afternoon I found a lump on the side of her neck while nursing. And I sort of freaked out. I did some searches online, though, and found some sites that suggested that it could be due to torticollis. Luckily (for me, not for her) a friend's daughter had been afflicted by this (this is also the same person who had a failed version attempt and scheduled C-section), so I knew this wasn't the end of the world and was able to relax a bit. I had previously noticed that the baby had been tilting her head one way and wouldn't turn her head quite as far to one direction as the other, so it all made sense. I called the pediatrician office Saturday morning to see if the lump was something that needed looked at over the weekend or if it could wait until Monday. The nurse confirmed that since DD wasn't acting sick (if she were, it could have been a swollen lymph node), it was probably a lump in the sternomastoid and could wait to be seen on Monday. So I made an appointment.

Dr. W. took a look at both the umbilical cord and the neck lump and confirmed my thoughts on both (after a consultation with one of his colleagues on the neck lump, just to be sure he was right in his thought that we needed an ultrasound on the muscle and not an ENT for a lymph node). We have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow morning. If the ultrasound tech confirms that the problem is muscular, we'll then need an x-ray to confirm the problem isn't with the spine, which will be needed before a PT will work with her. We have the paperwork to get the x-ray done at the same place while we're there.

Hopefully DD cooperates as well for the radiologists as she did for the doctor today :)

P.S. The bonus to going to the pediatrician today was that we found out that DD is a whopping 10 lbs 11 oz. Yay for great growing! She's still in the 50th percentile (when I heard 10 lbs 11 oz, I thought surely she would be at least in the 75th percentile!), but is a confirmation that we're doing a good job nourishing her. Mommy needs all the affirmation she can get.

Planning

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a planner. I like to know exactly what is going to happen before it happens and if things *don't* happen as expected, I get a bit bent out of shape.

Having a baby has completely rocked my world.

You can't plan anything with an infant. Just when I think we're getting a routine down, something changes. Take this morning, for instance. Typically baby gets up around 7:30 (or a bit before or a bit after...), eats, then goes back to bed until I wake her up (again, trying not to let her go more than 3 hours between feedings during the day), which usually happens around 11. So I know I have the morning to myself, whether that means watching TV, sleeping, or cleaning. Well, this morning after baby went back to sleep, she decided to wake up again at 9:15, throwing me completely off. Luckily she went back to sleep after eating, but I had really hoped to get out today with her after her morning sleep...which looks like it might be lasting into the afternoon.

I guess this means I get to eat lunch, but who knows what she's going to do after she eats when she gets up. Will she sleep again? Will she be awake and happy? Will she be awake but upset?

So much for a plan.

I guess this is like the quote I've heard recently: "You plan. God laughs."

That little baby is chuckling up there in her sleep at me.

Over the hump

(or maybe just a fluke)

I feel like we've gotten over a hump with Baby's sleeping. DH and I were truly frightened that we'd messed her up forever by letting her sleep on us, but it appears that we're doing alright :)

Last night, at exactly six weeks old, she slept for approximately 5 1/2 hours. Wow. Of course, it was the night that DH was going to let me try to sleep through the feeding by giving her a bottle...but since she'd slept so long, he thought he should wake me to pump (which he was right about). I was able to pump off enough to supplement the amount we had to give her and then some, which is great. She took the bottle like a champ and then...the best part...went right back to sleep and slept until 8 a.m. (had woken at 4).

I'm hoping this is the start of a trend. If it isn't, that's okay too, but what a wonderful night! We were all a lot happier for it--including her. Of course, yesterday she didn't get as much sleep as she typically would during the day. I don't know if that means we should start trying to keep her awake (she did eat for about 3 hours after Daddy came home and was fussy if she wasn't eating b/c she wouldn't let herself take a nap) or if we should just let it happen as it happens.

Also something we had happen the night before last...she put herself to sleep in her bed! We swaddled her, she fought it for about a minute, we soothed her, then laid her down with her eyes open. She grunted for about 3 minutes, but fell fast asleep soon after. What a relief! She then did it again for me in the morning after I fed her. How wonderful not to have to get her completely knocked out before putting her down in her crib...

Whew. Six weeks is all it takes, apparently (at least for THIS baby...). :) Daddy and I are beginning to feel human again and she's starting to get a bit more interactive. THIS is when it gets fun (I hope).

I'm a believer!

I'd heard many times the advice from moms to take a shower each day. I hadn't really made a point to shower every day for the first five weeks. Gross, but true. However, last week, as posted (I think...) I took my first shower while home alone with the baby. I felt free. I sort of thought it was a fluke, though--that I had conquered something, but not really a big deal. Well, today I got up with the baby when she was ready to eat around 7. I fed her, then re-swaddled her and put her back down (this is the small routine we've gotten into). I came downstairs, went to the bathroom (a luxury when you're home alone with a baby!), and had frozen waffles for breakfast (eating warm food...with a fork...I wish I had appreciated that phenomenon before!). It was wonderful.

I should stop here and say that baby isn't on a schedule. At all. I never know when she'll want to eat or when she'll sleep. They say this is to be expected, but it drives me a little insane. That said, she does typically go back down after her 6 or 7 a.m. feeding and I sometimes have to wake her up again after 3 hours (we're still trying to wake her after three hours so maybe she'll go longer between feedings at night).

Leave it to this child to throw me for a loop. :) I put her down at 7:45 a.m. and, lo and behold, around 8:35 she started fussing. This wasn't normal... I finished my waffles and went upstairs--there she was, fighting her swaddle with her eyes wide open. This, we have come to realize, means she's truly awake (she makes a LOT of noise when she's still sleeping). I scooped her up, took her out of the swaddle, and tried to get her to go back to sleep on my chest. Not happening. She started in with her hunger cues, so I fed her. Of course she fell asleep while eating because she was still tired! We made it through the feeding and I snuggled her up to me while I finished my TV show. It was lovely to snuggle with her, but I soon realized that if I wanted a shower, I needed to go get it. So, at 9:30, I went ahead and re-swaddled her and took her back to her crib and put her down.

I turned on the shower and got the monitor, only to realize that she wasn't sleeping very soundly and was making a lot of noise. Then came the decision point--to shower or not? I figured I could shower in a couple of minutes and it would be worth it. I turned the monitor all the way up and got in the shower. I was happy to realize that I could hear her noises while in the shower (this was something I had doubted in the past).

I got out of the shower and she was still sleeping--success! I can't describe how much better I felt. And she's since calmed down and is sleeping soundly right now, at 11:10 a.m. I'm going to go get some lunch (another hot meal with a fork??? No way....) before I get my snugglebug and enjoy her little warm body on mine some more :)

Who knows what barriers we may cross today....maybe we'll give the grocery store a try. We are out of bread...

Proud Mama

Well, apparently we haven't screwed Baby up too much. My little girl is sleeping in her swing and has been for over an hour and a half. And the best part? She wasn't sleeping when we put her in there. She's learning how to put herself to sleep. Yes, she was really drowsy, but she typically fights it like crazy. Tonight, though, she let herself doze off and has been sleeping there for longer than ever before. When we've put her in the swing before once she's already sleeping, she's stayed for no more than 20 minutes. What a breakthrough!!

My confidence needed this boost. When you're exhausted, hormonal, and newly responsible for a little human, it's hard believing that you know what you're doing. I always thought parenting would come naturally, but it just doesn't--not to me, anyway.

This also tells me that DH and I can probably let her sleep on us during the day if we want, as we have been and she still is able to do this. Woohoo! Back to enjoying our snuggle time without worrying that we're messing up her sleeping abilities forever.

Big Step Forward

Yes, I know, lots of blog posts from me...I just wanted to note that today I took my first shower without someone else in the house with me and the baby!!!!! :happy dance: We both survived, too :) Of course, it was super fast, but beyond feeling clean, I feel FREE. We've been traveling just the two of us around town and now I've gotten a shower...feel like I can do just about anything. Next task to master: going shopping :)

Rock Bottom?

There have been quite a few times where I think, "It can't get any worse, can it?" and it does. DD got overtired yesterday (only good sleep she got was about 1 1/2 hours in my arms at a friend's house...otherwise she slept while in the car, but then woke up within about 15 minutes of the car stopping moving). By evening she was a wreck. She was screaming like she was in some major pain. We tried gas drops. Who knows if they did anything. We tried walking, dancing, swaying, swaddling...everything we could possibly think of. I told DH that at least we knew she'd sleep eventually in the car. After awhile of the screaming, he looked at me and said, "Let's go for a ride". We got loaded up and he just started driving. From the second we were in the car, DD was totally calm. She finally fell asleep after about 10 minutes of driving. We continued to drive for about 30 minutes, then came home. We knew she'd wake up once we got inside, but neither DH nor I were really in any condition to be driving (we'd all been up since about 5 a.m.).

True to form, after about 15 minutes, she woke up unhappy. I decided to try feeding her again. She took right to it (as she typically does) and ate for awhile and then fell asleep while nursing. She had done that earlier in the evening, but woke up when we tried to move her. This time, however, she stayed mostly calm as I burped her. She cried some, but not nearly as badly. She finally fell asleep on my chest and there was no way DH or I were going to move her. We both must have fallen asleep sometime soon after. I woke up intermittently, but didn't really note the time as I did. Eventually, however, I woke up. It was 3 a.m. We'd all been sleeping for about five hours. I was shocked. I was leaking buckets of milk, but oh well! DD was starting to wake up, so we let her wake on her own. I fed her, DH changed, swaddled, and burped her, then he put her to bed. Typically when she sleeps for awhile (longer than 3 or 3 1/2 hours) we get a fight (or at least a lot of awake time), but not this time. She went right down and we didn't hear a peep for another 2 1/2 hours. Wow.

While she was screaming, I figured this had to be the worst it could get, but looking back, it could have been worse (really, it could always be worse). She could have fought sleep for even longer. Or woken up after only an hour or two. Or wanted to be awake after her 3 a.m. feeding. I'm hoping, though, that this was the worst it will get. They say the fussiness typically peaks around 6 weeks. Hopefully she's just a bit ahead of schedule (today is 5w2d). :) I don't know how much more of that sort of screaming my heart can take. It hurts both me and her daddy.

Giving In

Knowing that the baby is generally calm and typically sleeping when in the car was our one ace in the hole. It was supposed to be in reserves until we were desperate. Well, tonight we were desperate. We drove and drove until she fell asleep and now we're back home. And she might be waking up already. Just sleep, little one...please...

A few thoughts

No time to write a real blog post, so here are a few thoughts.
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Parenting is a big guessing game. Guessing what is best for your child. Guessing why your child might be screaming their head off.

I suck at guessing.
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Why does my daughter fight sleep so much? I love to sleep. Really. She hasn't had any good sleep today since 5 a.m. (some catnaps in the car). Was put to bed at 6:40 after DH calmed her b/c she was so obviously overtired. Swaddled her and put her down. Slept until 7. Now screaming her head off. Not just normal screaming, but the kind like we're hurting her. We're not.
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Had one month check-up on Monday. She her previous stats were: 19 inches long (25th percentile), 7lbs 5 oz (25th percentile), and head was in the 50th percentile. This appointment: 21 inches long (50th percentile), 9lbs 0oz (50th percentile) and head 38cm (75th percentile). Glad she's growing. My nipples feel the effects of all the eating that's getting her growing so well.
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Had her hip ultrasound today that was suggested at the hospital just to check and make sure everything was okay. Apparently it's normal to have it done for girl babies who were breech. Everything looked good.
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Still struggling horribly with the feeling that I can't do anything other than nurse DD. I'm incredibly grateful that I can do that. If I couldn't, I would feel fairly useless. DH is much better at diapers, fun time, calming, burping...pretty much everything but feeding (not that there's a choice there).
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DD and I had our first solo outing last Thursday. We went to the bank and she was kind enough to let me run through the drive through for some fast food.
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DD got her first bottle a couple of days ago. It took her a very long time to eat (we were trying to make it take more effort for her to eat to simulate being at the breast), but it eventually worked. DH tried to give her another today at the hospital and she didn't really want anything to do with it.

Struggling

This is incredibly hard for me to admit to anyone but you, my mostly anonymous blog readers. I'm completely struggling with breastfeeding. During my pregnancy, I had feared a struggle, but I was much more afraid that my body would fail me and I would have supply issues or something like that. Instead, my struggle is almost entirely emotional. I feel trapped in my home, unable to go anywhere or do anything. I find I can't do anything I want to do because I'm the only one who can give the baby food. I resent my husband, too, who hasn't missed out on hot meals (whereas I've had maybe 5 hot meals since the baby was born), who can sleep through the night if I let him (and even if I don't want him to, he can fall asleep during the hour that it takes to feed the baby every 3 hours or so), who runs to get us dinner (I don't feel like I can leave the house). His freedom just makes me even more aware of my confinement. Add on top of that the fact that he is and will always be the "fun" parent and that I want him to have time with our daughter (and therefore he spends most of the baby's awake and non-feeding time with her) and I just feel like a big old milk machine, like that's my only purpose in life.

All that said, the lactation consultant said we should start offering a bottle at least once a week so the baby doesn't refuse the bottle when I return to work--and that makes me sad, too. Yes, it would be expressed breastmilk, but what if she decides she likes it better? We already have some latch problems (she fights the latch for about 10 attempts each time) and I'm afraid she'll resist even more once she realizes how easy a bottle is. And that would break my heart, too.

I'm a stubborn person. I don't want to take the easy way out (easy in my head--not supposed to be a criticism of formula feeding). I want to keep breastfeeding for a long time. I don't have a goal because I'm afraid if we need to stop before then I'll feel like a failure. But in the back of my head, I'd like to make it to a year so we never have to buy formula. We'll see. I know if I admitted my feelings to my mom, MIL, SIL, or most of the people in my life, they'd say if I'm feeling so trapped I should just stop breastfeeding. That's not what I want. I want to keep breastfeeding and just hope it gets better. DH has been wonderful and keeps reminding me why I'm doing this, but it's just very hard sometimes. I can honestly say I've cried at least once a day since she's been born--mostly because of my breastfeeding frustrations.

Beyond the breastfeeding struggles, I'm happy being a mommy. I love this little girl. I just long for the day when I become more than a milk factory to her.

Must be doing something right!

During the first two weeks of my daughter's life, we were at the pediatrician's office very often (4 times in the first week we were home from the hospital--Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and again Monday). Besides being concerned with some possible jaundice, they wanted to keep track of her weight, as she didn't gain it back as quickly as they would have liked. Yes, they wanted her back at her birth weight by the time she was two weeks old, but for some reason, they were really hoping she'd gain it back more quickly. She was born at 7 lbs 5 oz, was 6 lbs 14.5 oz at her lowest (back up to 7 lbs at discharge). She gained very slowly that first week, but by the second Monday (would be two weeks on that Wednesday), she was back to 7 lbs 4 oz and the doctor was satisfied. We were able to stop going to the pediatrician every other day.

Yesterday we went to meet with a lactation consultant (I want to post about that later) and they weighed the baby when we got there, then again after feeding. Her first weight...8 lbs 6 oz! According to their scale, she'd gained over a pound in just over a week! That must mean we're doing something right :) Makes both DH and me stop doubting ourselves quite so much.

Small Victories

As I've said before, baby spent most of the first two weeks sleeping on people. The only times she didn't was in the isolette at the hospital. We've since been working on getting her to sleep in the PnP in our room overnight, but haven't been putting her down much during the day. It's just so tempting to snuggle her!!!

Today, however, is the first time DH has gone to work, leaving me alone for a longer duration than ever. This means I need to find a way to use the bathroom and eat lunch...which just wasn't going to happen with a baby sleeping on me. My second option was going to be trying out the sling (haven't tried it yet), but first I wanted to try swaddling her after a feeding. DH is typically out swaddler, so I wasn't sure I could accomplish it without her freaking out. Not only did I successfully swaddle her, but she's been sleeping in her PnP in the living room (yes, we have two) for 15 minutes now! Even if she woke at this point, I would consider it a victory :) I've already peed and eaten lunch, so if she decided to wake up, I could hold her until DH returns (he's only working half days this week).

Now to work on figuring out the best tactic to get out of the house (besides for a walk)...

My C-section

We checked into L&D at 5:50 a.m. and were taken to the recovery area. I was told to put on a gown and I was hooked up to two monitors--one to see if I was having contractions (I was, every 4-6 minutes) and the other to monitor baby's heartrate (consistently in the 130s). They took my blood pressure (it was elevated, but I was slightly uptight!) and started my IV. The first two nurses I had were fantastic--incredibly personable and caring. At 7 we had a shift change, where I got two new nurses--one very personable and caring and the other...not so much.


One of my first nurses had told me that there was no way I should get the catheter before being numbed. She said it would be very uncomfortable. However, nurse #2 had other plans. She told me it wasn't bad and that they didn't like us to get the cath after numbing b/c they had to lift the patient's legs and the patient is harder to control. Fine. If you say it's not bad, lady, I'll trust you. So she tried to insert the cath. Without much warning. And it hurt. Bad. I screamed louder than I think I ever have. Apparently I also kicked some things off the bed and made people in the hallway pause to see if everything was okay. It was horrible and easily the most traumatizing part of the whole experience. Oh, and she didn't even get it in. I think my screaming made her mad at me, but at least it made her wait until we were in the OR.


The surgery was scheduled for 8:00, but apparently there was some confusion about whether the cerclage next to me or my surgery would go first, so we didn't wheel into the OR until 8:30. DH stayed out in the hallway and put on his gear while I went into the OR with nice nurse and a very nice nurse anesthetist. I had confessed to both of them that I was pretty nervous about the spinal block and about not being able to feel anything, so they were both very supportive. The nurse told me I did a great job receiving the spinal block and the anesthetist was there by my head the entire time, willing to reassure me that I was still breathing fine and that everything was going fine. Oh, and once I was numb they put in the catheter...after trying for about 3-4 minutes (either mean nurse injured me or I was going to naturally have a hard time having it put in).

Once I was settled and beginning to get numb, DH was allowed in the room. He was given a stool right by my head. They had strapped down my arms, but the straps were so loose that they didn't bother me at all. The nurse anesthetist did scratch, hot, and cold tests to see how numb I was before they started cutting. DH just sat and talked to me through the entire thing. I had a bit more feeling than I would have liked on my left side, but it wasn't painful--just not entirely comfortable.

They began the surgery. I don't remember too many of the sensations, but vividly remember telling DH that it felt like when baby would sit on my bladder. Seconds later, we heard my doctor say, "We need to get that bladder moved". DH and I both laughed--we were surprised I could still feel what was going on inside. I remember that it felt like we waited forever for the baby to be born. I heard the resident say "I see a butt", which didn't surprise us since we knew which way she was situated. At that point they told DH he could stand up and look if he wanted, which, surprisingly, he did. He even took a couple of pictures of the baby's bottom sticking out of my belly! Once they pulled her out, she didn't cry right away, which I knew logically she wouldn't (passing through the birth canal naturally clears out the airways, but since they don't do that in a C-section, the doctors have to do it). I was still very nervous and kept asking if she was okay--DH kept reassuring me that she was. They brought her around for us to see--she was beautiful and looked huge.

I told DH to follow her to the warmer. I don't have any idea what was happening to my own body at that point--I was just waiting to hear how my daughter was doing. I heard them announce the weight as 7 lbs 5 oz (DH had thought she would be just under 7 lbs, but I told him the night before I thought she'd be 7 lbs 5 oz...guess it was mother's intuition!). I remember hearing her cry--what a beautiful sound!

Eventually they were able to bring the baby and DH back to me. They even released one of my arms so I could touch her. It was just surreal, knowing this was my baby that I had had inside my body for the past 9 months. Baby and DH got to hang out with me for about 15 minutes while they were putting my insides back together (this part was fairly painful when they were shoving my uterus back up under my ribs). They then wheeled the baby out in a bassinet to take her to the nursery, but not without a stop in the waiting room to meet some grandparents (of course, only my mom was there--DH's parents weren't in town yet and my dad was out smoking).

Toward the end I was able to feel them stitching me up. I asked them how much longer it would be--if it was going to be much longer, I would need extra numbing meds!--and the doctor said just a couple of seconds (she was right).

After I was stitched up, I was wheeled back to recovery where I just had to wait. My parents and DH's parents came back to see me, then DH took my dad and his parents to the nursery to check out the baby while my mom hung out with me, just waiting for me to be able to move my toes. We were in recovery for two hours, first waiting for me to be able to move my toes, then waiting for me to be able to lift my bottom off the bed. Once I could that, I could go to my room and see my baby, so I was very frustrated with how long it was taking the anesthesia to wear off! At some point DH ran the baby book up to the nursery to have the baby's footprints put in there...but I'm not sure when that happened!

Around noon I was finally able to move a bit more and the nurses wheeled me and my entourage up to my room (both the ILs and my parents, plus DH, the two nurses, and me in the bed were all in the elevator together!). While the parents waited in the hallway, the nurses helped me transfer into my hospital bed and DH and I said goodbye to them and hello to our new home for the next few days.

It took another hour for us to get the baby--DH ended up having to go ask for her in the nursery. His parents and younger brother went to lunch and my parents went into the hallway while I nursed for the first time. We both did well :) Once we were done, my parents got to meet her and then DH's parents came back and got to meet and hold the baby. All we wanted to do was hold her and snuggle her--she was perfect.

DH's older brother, his wife, and their daughter came and not long afterwards our friends S & R stopped by (who brought an adorable outfit and some much-craved funnel cake mix!). It was great having everyone meet the baby! Most of the visitors cleared out in the early evening with my parents the last to leave around 8:30. Right around that time was when I was first able to pass gas--thank goodness!!! I was starving at that point (the broth, juice, Jello, and Sprite just didn't cut it!) and that meant I was cleared to eat solid foods. Graham crackers and yogurt never tasted so good!

I was given the option to keep the catheter in overnight or have it taken out. I didn't want to have to deal with getting out of bed overnight to use the restroom, so I opted to keep it in until the next morning. Once it was taken out (not painful at all), the PCA helped me get out to bed to go to the bathroom. I had a bit of cramping in my bladder, but otherwise it wasn't too bad.

Some notes about my recovery:

~ I wish I would have taken more walks in the hospital to get myself moving. We had so many visitors that it seemed like it was never a good time between chatting with people, feeding the baby, and sleeping. I think I only took three walks total before heading home.

~ That first poo wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Definitely take the stool softeners, though!!

~ The bleeding was never horrible. I had a HUGE maxi pad that I wore for almost 7 days (different ones, of course), then switched back to normal maxis and my own undies about a week after she was born. It came and went--some days heavier than others.

~ I had cramping whenever I peed for almost two weeks afterwards. It's cleared up on its own, so it doesn't seem that it was a UTI or bladder infection.

~ I got really tender after napping on my side 9 days after she was born. It made me nervous (was a Friday, so I missed out on calling the doctor), but I think it's normal to feel some tenderness whenever you do something new.

~ DH took really good care of me throughout. I think sometimes he wishes he'd made me do more for myself so I would have healed better, but it felt right to me. I was scared I would pop a stitch or something and took things fairly slow. It was over two weeks before I was getting up and moving much more than to use the restroom.

~ Showering at the hospital wasn't bad. I was nervous I would get woozy and DH was hovering outside the door the entire time, but I had no problems. It was nice to feel like a real person!

~ We slept on the living room furniture (a recliner, a reclining love seat, and a reclining sofa) for the first two weeks of the baby's life. During this time, she slept on us. Our first night in our own bed was Thursday night two weeks after she was born. It was nice, but I had a heck of a backache when I woke up. The best thing I've had was one of those video game pillows so I could just sit up and nurse right in bed. I have also been prepared with many pillows in case I need support under my belly or behind my back.

~ I took almost all of my pain meds. My pain never really got over a 4 on the pain scale while in the hospital, so while I was okayed to have two pain pills every six hours, I never took more than one, plus my ibuprofen. I continued with the pills once I got home and think that helped immensely, especially once I was moving better. I was also very happy to have gas meds and stool softeners at home (had to send DH out for them when he got my prescription filled).

I may come back and edit this post if I come up with anything I've forgotten. I just wanted to get a lot of this documented before I begin to forget!

Two Weeks Later

Baby is here :) She arrived July 29, 2009 at 9:04 a.m. and was 7 lbs 5 oz and 19 inches. She's beautiful and her daddy and I are totally in love.

The last two weeks have been a total blur of feeding, hospital stay, sleepless nights, C-section recovery, and just loving our beautiful little girl. We were in the hospital Wednesday morning through Sunday around 3:00 p.m. We had fantastic care by the nurses, PCAs, and lactation consultants. We had some visitors, which we really appreciated.

Since we've been home, baby has been ruling our lives. We've been to the pediatrician four times for weight checks and to check her bilirubin levels, as they were elevated when we left the hospital. It's been a struggle and VERY hard on Mommy--I feel like it's my fault that she wasn't gaining the way the doctor wanted her to. We did meet the goal of getting back to her birth weight by the time she was two weeks old (well, we assume so, as she was 7 lbs 4 oz on Monday).

Feeding started out great. My colostrum was readily available and the lactation consultant told me I shouldn't have any concern about a low supply and she's been right. I think my supply has been pretty right on. Baby's latch has been a concern, but we're currently working on fixing it with the help of a nipple shield. Feeding has, in general, been full of highs and lows and quite a bit of discomfort, but I love being able to bond with my baby and am really glad we've pushed through it (and I do say "we" because DH has been awake with me for almost every feeding, helps burp her, helps position her, etc.).

The best anecdote of the first two weeks would be about a diaper changing DH was doing around 6 a.m. I had just finished feeding on one side and she had pooped. DH had baby on the floor to change her when all of a sudden, we heard the noise...and then DH groaned. Baby had pooped all over him. It was disgusting, but hilarious at the same time. He finished the changing and handed her off to me while he went and showered. Gross.

To date, I have only changed TWO diapers. Wow. DH has been absolutely incredible and has been taking care of both of us in ways I never could have imagined. When baby wouldn't sleep by herself, we traded off having her sleep on us. He does just about everything for me. He changes her diapers, burps her, soothes her, and just gazes at her with more love than I ever thought I would see in his eyes. He's completely infatuated. We've just recently been getting her to sleep by herself in the PnP we have downstairs (since we're still sleeping on the couches), but DH has the hardest time letting her lay in there by herself. The minute she makes any noises, he's begging to pick her up. It's the most adorable thing.

I never want to forget this time, but at the same time, don't want to take the time to write about it because I just want to take it all in!

Freaking

Absolutely, positively wigging out. About the surgery. About becoming a mommy. About not being pregnant anymore.

Freaking out. Crying incessantly. Trying to enjoy these last few hours, but just freaking out instead.

Twelve hours from now, I will be in a room, probably with an IV in, just waiting.

And freaking.

Still here!

No baby. The cramping trailed off yesterday evening and is completely gone this morning. I actually slept through the night last night, which was wonderful. Still exhausted, of course, since DH and I stayed up talking a bit too late (he's finally showing me his anxiety, which is nice...I sort of felt like the only one!).

I'm back at work, enjoying my last day without a baby. Trying to take in every moment, every movement...everything I'm going to miss once she's out in the world. And of course because I'm feeling so good now, I'm back to being in no hurry for her to make her grand appearance. It's undeniable, though, she's coming out tomorrow. Twenty-four hours from now I will be having my C-section.

Okay, I'm ready

I haven't been ready to give birth to this baby...until now. But now I've got pain in my back, hips, lower stomach, and sudden "lightning crotch". I don't think I'm ready to sit through this for another 36 hours, especially knowing that there's not a *real* reason to go through it. If I were going through labor pains because I were going to give birth vaginally, I would have a completely different mindset. I would be excited (still anxious, of course). But no, there's not a true purpose for the labor for this baby--they could go in and cut her out without me being in pain.

We cleaned up a lot of the house last night and I really believe we're physically ready (we were technically physically ready weeks ago, but I think we've done all we could possibly do at this point). The only thing I want done before heading to the hospital is to clean off the guest bed (we have clean laundry on there) so my mom can sleep there if she wants to. That could take less than 5 minutes if we don't care where the clothes go.

I'm ready. I hope this either turns into real labor (DH has felt my stomach and hasn't felt anything like a contraction...now I feel like a crazy person) or it stops for the next 36 hours.

Update

Had contractions every 6 to 10 minutes when I was timing over an hour and the nurse didn't seem to think it was necessary to do anything but just keep pushing fluids and timing the contractions (she's confirming with the doctor and will let me know if somethign changes). So I went and took a shower and am getting ready to lay back on the couch and time them for another hour.

On a side note, baby is SUPER active. I just keep thinking--of course, now she'll flip. LOL

Beginning

I'm going to rewind a bit here. Let's go back to Saturday. Saturday DH and I got some delicious ribs for dinner. Ribs and cornbread--can't get much better than that! We ate them at home and spent some night time together just relaxing around the house.

That night, I had to go to the bathroom multiple times in the middle of the night, only this time it wasn't to pee, if you get my drift. I had diarrhea until about 1:00 yesterday (Sunday) afternoon. Ick. DH was working outside, so I decided to go pillaging to get some basic household things we might need, plus the deals for the week. I walked around the store for no more than an hour and came home feeling a bit sore.

Once home, I cut DH's hair and then DH and I started watching some horrendous shows (we always get sucked into a marathon of some awful reality show). Around 5:30 he ran and picked up some Chinese for dinner. We ate, watched some more TV, did some other things around the house (nothing strenuous for me at all), then stretched out together on the couch.

Around 8:00 I started to get a bit of discomfort in the lower part of my stomach--sort of like light menstrual cramps (I say light because I had horrible ones growing up--I have no idea if these would be strong for other people). I sat up and felt a teeny bit better. As the evening progressed, I started to get more of a backache and the pain was radiating into my thighs, just like my menstrual cramps had been. I contacted a friend of mine who had just gone through labor and she confirmed that this was a lot like the beginning of her labor. Just what I didn't need to hear! haha I wasn't able to discern any sort of rhythm to the cramps, so I told her I was going to try to sleep and see if they got worse/more regular overnight.

Apparently my anxiety got the best of me because I didn't sleep long at all. After about an hour, I was awake (it was 1 a.m.) and trying to time these cramps. It didn't work too well, though, as it isn't like they're really painful or have a definite beginning to them. I was awake until about 3:30, then finally dozed. I woke up a few more times before my alarm went off at 6. I decided then that I needed to sleep a bit longer, so I called in and told them I'd be in around noon. I was able to sleep fairly solidly until about 9.

So here it is, 10:20, and I'm still having these cramps, but they don't seem to be gaining intensity or frequency (although I haven't been timing, so I'm not 100% sure). After chatting with another friend (who just happened to email and ask if I was having a baby today), I've called my doctor's office to confer with the nurse. Now just waiting for a call back (and really wanting to get in the shower, but don't want to miss the phone call!). Part of me thinks I might just be a paranoid first-time mommy. I haven't had any other labor symptoms--no bloody show, no mucus plug loss, can't tell if my uterus is actually contracting or not...

So this could be it...or maybe not. Either way, we'll have a baby by Wednesday, but it could be sooner.

Prepping for baby--8 and 7 days to go

Combining into one post :)

Eight days to go (Tuesday): We finalized our childcare decision. What a load off my mind! We had already decided on her, but weren't sure we were ready to start paying a weekly holding fee just yet, so we waited to commit. We finally paid our first deposit, though, and officially have a place for P to go once I go back to work in late October!

Seven days to go (Wednesday): Went to breastfeeding class. It was really helpful to hear the information that the nurse/LC had. With all the troubles one of my friends has been having, however, I'm very nervous about my ability to breastfeed. The LC even said that if a mommy had no change in breast size during pregnancy, that can be an indication of lack of supply. But in the same breath, she also said that that same person could have enough milk to feed the whole neighborhood, so it definitely isn't a rule. I'm trying to just relax and let it happen when it happens. I am producing colostrum, so they're trying to do *something* :)

DH was sure he would be the only male in the class, but it turned out that there was only one mommy-to-be without a partner. DH is very ready to support me in breastfeeding, which I think is really important. He knows how much both of us have suffered with our allergies over the years and we both think the the possibility of decreasing the instance of allergies is a good enough reason to breastfeed as long as possible. He's already talking about how he'll go get the baby and bring her to me, burp her, change her, and do everything but feed her. Oh, and he'll stroke my hair while I feed her :) I'm so happy he's willing and interested in being involved in this process--I was really nervous he'd feel left out.

I also cancelled the appointment we had made with the pediatrician's office to meet him because it was scheduled for July 29th at 8:30 a.m. Um yeah, not going to happen.

Prepping for baby--9 days to go

(or less)

Nothing *too* major going on yesterday... We had uninstalled both car seat bases after having them installed already (the Mazda's needed removed to fit my parents with us and the Corolla's needed moved to bring home a rug), so DH went outside to put them back in. He had me come back out and inspect. The middle seat on the Corolla doesn't have the LATCH system, but we wanted to put it there anyway. Well, it didn't fit well--it was fairly loose and wasn't really even close to the right angle. So after a bit of a panic attack, I said, well, we just need to put it on the outside.

As we were fighting with the car seat base, our neighbor came home and told us if we needed anything to let him know. We laughed and thanked him and he went inside. Before we knew it, he was coming back out with an Exersaucer, explaining that they're done having kids and their youngest had outgrown it. So now we have an Exersaucer (which is mysteriously missing a spring, but those aren't too expensive). Woohoo! How generous!!!

Prepping for Baby--10 days to go

It seems we're doing something to prep for baby in some way almost every day over the next week and a half and I want to remember this time always. Sunday meant we have 10 days (or less....still trying to stay prepared that this baby could do her own thing and show up early!) to go!

I was awake around 7:15 after my second pee, so I went downstairs and started planning our meals for the week (typical Sunday morning behavior) and watched some TV. DH got up around 8:30 and we started talking about the meals we want to make before baby comes to have in the freezer. We decided it would be a good day to get all of that done, so we began to make our plan. We made a HUGE grocery list, then went through the cupboards to see what we already had available. By the time we went to the grocery and got back, we had enough food to make two batches of muffins, 5 different meals (each with at least 6 servings), plus our 6 meals for the week (we'll be grabbing fast food on Thursday because of Book Club) and spent only $87 (after a couple of coupons and a $10 GC). Woohoo!

We got home and after lunch got to work. We ended up making lasagna (my mom's recipe), chili (DH's recipe), tater tot casserole, chicken and rice wrap-ups (shredded chicken cooked in salsa, water, and taco seasoning, then rice cooked in as well, then wrapped in tortillas), and a chicken & sausage gumbo. We also made up two dozen oat bran muffins. We got to sample two, as we could only fit 11 in each freezer bag. ;) They were tasty! We used my Reynolds Handi-Vac to vacuum seal all the freezer bags for all of these but the lasagna and chili--those we put in disposable bowls.

After we were done, we still had leftover chicken from the whole chicken I had cooked up, so we made a chicken pot pie and had dinner. After dinner, we ran to Big Lots to look for a playpen to take to daycare. Whew. Lots of things accomplished AND we had a good day just hanging out together and working together in the kitchen.

Making freezer meals was one of the very last things we needed to get done before the big day--we both feel a lot more prepared today!

Grateful

I've been very grateful over the last couple days...

~ For this fantastic weather. There are so many people out there who are upset about having a cooler July than I can ever remember, but I know I, for one, am incredibly thankful! I keep saying that it's God's way of really looking out for me and all the other preggos out there. My biggest fear when we got pregnant was whether I could handle the heat of the summer...and the great news is that I haven't had to! We even sat outside by the firepit on Friday night--I had to put on a sweatshirt and it was WONDERFUL.

~ For the movement of my baby. Yesterday I had a bit of a scare that something was very wrong with baby after she hadn't moved in awhile (I couldn't remember the last time I felt her move). My mom was trying her hardest to feel the baby move one last time (this child is definitely mine...whenever anyone WANTS her to move, she won't...), but baby wasn't going anywhere. Even after a cookie, a sip of DH's Pepsi, and laying on my side for a good 30 minutes, I wasn't getting much of anything. I was really starting to get scared. I then got a bit of ice cream and within minutes felt a familiar little bump. Hiccups. I cried because I was so relieved. She then started moving around and has been fairly active all day today.

~ For being able to plan. For once in my life, I was going to be okay with not having control over when baby came and with not knowing what was going to happen. But now we know that baby will be here in ten days or less. I will not be going past my due date. I will not be delivering in August. Yes, I could still very easily go into labor before the scheduled C-section, but I'm okay with that. At least we have a deadline. We KNOW we will be parents on or before July 29th. We know all our work HAS to be done before July 29th.

~ For our friends. I don't know what I can say about them. They love us and our baby and want the best for all of us. My quantity of close friends may be small, but the quality is grand. I also pride myself on trying to be nice to everyone and through this have gained a lot of great people in my life. To all of you who have supported me and been there--thank you.

~ For our families. Both sets of families already love this little girl immensely. I know she's going to be surrounded by love the second she enters this world. I know many people who don't have the support of a family around them and I realize how incredibly blessed all three of us are.

~ For my husband. He has been incredible over the last 9 months, the last 3 years of marriage, and the last 7.5 years we've been together. He is my best friend, my partner in life. He is my rock. I look forward to taking this next step with him and making him a daddy.

The Story of the Version

I want to make sure to get this documented before I block some part of it out.


DH and I were out late the night before at a concert (and then sitting in the parking garage for another 40 minutes)--we didn't get home until almost 1 a.m. We set the alarm for 6:30 and went to sleep (after I got a bit of a snack...not supposed to eat after midnight, but I figured 12:45 would be okay).


Woke up at 6:30, showered (DH ate breakfast while I was showering so I didn't have to watch him eat), packed up the last of our things (we packed up just in case we might need to stay since there was a small possibility of placental abruption or a rupturing of membranes that would necessitate an emergency C-section), and headed out the door at 7:30. We arrived in Labor & Delivery at 8:10, got called back to start filling out paperwork at 8:15, then were finally done with that at 8:30. They took us back to the L&D recovery area and had me change into a hospital gown (that only tied at one place in the back...talk about breezy!).


DH met the nurse and when I was done changing, I came out and laid in the bed. They put a monitor on the baby and took my blood pressure. It was 135/69, which was fairly high for me. They said, though, that the upper number is the one that increases temporarily and isn't of concern to be a bit elevated, especially considering the situation! The bottom number was fine and baby's heartbeat seemed fine (stayed right around 140 most of the day).


At this point, another nurse came in and said that my doctor wanted me in a room with an ultrasound machine. They gave me the option of walking to another room or they said they could wheel me. I chose to be wheeled--why not? They pushed me down the hall and into another area of L&D (I think it might have been triage?). While in the hall, there was a bit of confusion about which room to put me in. My nurse also asked why we were doing the version that day and seemed to think we were having a baby that day...it got me so upset that I eventually started crying, thinking that maybe we had made a wrong decision or something. DH came over and made me feel better--I felt like such a fool laying on a bed in the hallway of L&D, sobbing.


Eventually the room situation got figured out and I was put in room 629. They attached the monitor to the baby again--she was remarkably active for not having had any food yet that day! The nurse, Charissa, then needed to get my IV hooked up. I guess they get an IV with fluids started just case something should go wrong--this way the IV is already inserted and they can just put a drug through it. She decided that the best vein to try would be one on the inside of my forearm. The needle went in easily, then there was obviously a problem--a blown vein. This made me a bit nervous, but she was reassuring that it was fairly normal and nothing to worry about. I do have a heck of a bruise there today, though.

For the second try, Charissa tried a vein on the side of my wrist. It was successful, but a bit more uncomfortable.

We had some questions to answer about my medical history--hoping that means we don't have to go through them again when we go back. At some point, the resident that was going to be assisting came in to chat for a couple of seconds. It felt like I was lying in that bed for a very long time before we could start the procedure.

My doctor came back soon after that and talked through the procedure again. She asked the nurse to give me the shot of terbutaline to relax my uterus. After a couple of minutes, the resident came back in the room, they dimmed the lights, and put the ultrasound goo on my belly.

The doctor verified which direction baby was facing (toward my right side) and told the resident they were going to try to roll her forward. She stood on my right side and the resident stood on my left. They both started pushing, trying to rotate the baby. I really thought they were making progress, as they both were shifting where they were pushing. After a couple of pushes, my doctor checked the baby's position via ultrasound, then went back to pushing. The pain was excruciating. During one push, it felt like I was getting some sort of a burn on the underside of my belly from the latex gloves and I requested more ultrasound gel there. It helped some. During the last few pushes, I was gripping the rails on the bed and I vaguely remember letting out some moans. I knew, though, in my heart, that this was the best choice for both me and the baby.

After 25 minutes of pushing (and the resident putting her entire body weight onto my belly--DH kept watching the fact that her feet were leaving the floor because he couldn't bear to watch me), my doctor called it quits. I didn't realize how long it had been and wondered why they were stopping so quickly (they had said they would try for 10-15 minutes). My doctor and the resident both apologized. I cried a little bit...but mostly from the pain.

The nurse returned and put baby back on the NST and put me on a contraction monitor. DH came over and held my hand and talked to me for a bit. After the nurse left, I told DH to go out in the hall and call our moms since they were both waiting anxiously for updates. After he talked to them, he came back in and we sat and chatted. The nurse returned and told me that I'd had three contractions, but they weren't anything too big. The baby, however, didn't seem to be as responsive as they were wanting. I told the nurse that it's got to be hard to get the energy to move around when she hadn't eaten in almost 12 hours, so she suggested I go empty my bladder, then went and got me some apple juice, graham crackers, and peanut butter. DH helped me to the bathroom, which was a very painful walk, but I was able to easily pee and by the time we were done, she returned with the snacks. The nurse left again and DH put the peanut butter on the graham crackers for me, then watched the NST and contraction monitors, waiting to see what happened. I could feel that baby started moving right away after I ate something, so I knew that was good news.

Eventually the nurse came back in and told us that everything looked good. I asked her if she knew when she'd be working the week of July 27th since I really liked her. Unfortunately, she only works Monday, Tuesday, and Saturday that week, which means I most likely won't see her at all. She said she needed to go discharge a patient, but wished us well. Another set of nurses (one student and one licensed) came in to pull the IV and get us ready to go. Once the IV was out, DH helped me get changed and we were out of there.

We left the hospital and went to get a fantastic croissant for what was supposed to be breakfast...but it was 11:30!!! We then came home, ordered some Donato's, and I napped on the couch for most of the afternoon. The sorest part of my body was, by far, the underside of my belly where I do have some burn from the gloves. I had a hard time sitting upright and was SO glad for our new reclining couches!

Today I'm feeling better, but am more sore in the upper part of my belly from all the pushing (feels like I did way too many sit-ups). I can sit up for short amounts of time, but am mostly reclined on the sofa. I plan to return to work tomorrow.

Our C-section is now scheduled for July 29th (which, when the doctor told me that, I thought it was fitting we were in room 29...and sort of knew it was meant to be).