Thursday, September 16, 2010


I'm here.  Sort of. 

I've missed you.  Seriously. 

But I'm afraid to come back to blogging much.

You see, I'm feeling really negative right now. 

I don't want to be negative.  I want to enjoy my daughter.  I want to celebrate the fact that she slept all night last night, but all I can think is, "Well, of course she did.  We were up until midnight, which means we didn't really get to enjoy it.  Typical."

How's that for negative?

I've just been feeling really weighed down by a lot recently and I feel like I shouldn't be posting all about it because, well, who wants to read a blog that's all just bitching and moaning?

To give you a taste:

- We found out last night we have a mouse in our house.  A MOUSE.  IN OUR HOUSE.  More specifically, in our living room.  Where Baby Girl plays.  Ugh.  How incredibly dirty does that make me feel???

- We can't decide how much we want to fight for Baby Girl to get the sort of food we want while not in our care.  We prefer fresh, non-processed, non-fried foods (for her....for us, that's a whole different post) and have found out that the sitter is giving her chicken nuggets and a graham cracker for a snack.  Is it the end of the world?  Of course not.  Could she be giving her way worse stuff?  Of course.  So do we bother fighting with it, causing all sort of tension, or do we just roll with it? 

- What *are* we doing with Baby Girl's childcare?  We'd like to move her elsewhere, but where?  And if (when) we have #2, we'll need someone that probably could take both, so the place where I used to work wouldn't be ideal (only take kids age 18 months and up).  Neither The Hubby nor I can imagine her being at this same place until she's three.  At the same time, we know she's safe and have established a good relationship with the sitter and the other families.  We're so anti-confrontational.

- I've moved offices.  My job is the same, but just a different location in the building.  And I hate it.  Pumping is much harder (there are more people in the same room, more traffic, more noises), working is harder.  I'm sort of miserable.

- I'm working on a project with someone who is incredibly difficult to work with.  I could punch her sometimes.  The end.

- I've been feeling PMS-y for five days now.  My first two cycles since having Baby Girl were 28 days, down to the time of day.  This one?  Today is cycle day 31.  I'm guessing it was anovulatory because of having two deaths in one cycle, but...come on, body.  Let's just get this over with. 

There are other things that I just can't think about right now.

Oh, but I did bite the bullet.  I called a counseling program they offer through work, did a preliminary phone conversation with her, and set up an appointment for me to meet her tomorrow at 3.  I made the appointment last Friday.  And I still haven't told The Hubby.  Not trying to hide it...just not an easy thing to talk about. 

Must run.  Sounds like we're under a tornado and thunderstorm warning here and I have 3 minutes until I leave to drive INTO the storm to pick up my baby.  And I just want to get the hell home with her.


Mandy said...

Big hugs to you.

We're here whenever you need us.

Manday said...

Glad to hear you are seeking some counseling, after just the first three or four lines of your post I was planning on giving that advice.

Cassie said...

I hope everything goes well with the counselor today. It sounds like things are rough right now and we're here with you, through whatever. Don't think you need to be all rainbows and roses. Life isn't like that. Life with a toddler DEFINITELY isn't like that. :) Big hugs to you!

Sarah Dee said...

congratulations on having the strength to take that hard step.

i'm there/here to bitch/vent/verbally problem solve. as you very well know. (please) i like to do listen to it more than i like to dish it out.