Can I cry?

I fully believe we're onto cycle #4 at this point--I've started spotting today, right on schedule. I know many of you are thinking "don't give up hope just yet--lots of people spot and are pg", but I really feel like I know my body at this point, and this is the beginning of the end.

So I'm sad. Rightfully so, I think. Like I always say--I know other people take much longer than this to get pg, but it doesn't change the fact that it makes me sad that it didn't work this time.

Also weighed myself on the ILs' scale--gained 2 pounds from yesterday morning. I'm sure it's bloat, but after all the crap I ate yesterday (I tried...but when all you have for dinner is 2 FF hot dogs and there are no healthy choices in the house, chips and dip and cookies sound pretty damn good), I just feel guilty. So when I told DH that I think the cycle is over, he tries to be all upbeat and says "well, at least you can focus on your other goal now". I respond with "I've gained 2 pounds in one day". So he gets frustrated and walks away.

Am I not allowed to be upset? Can I not cry and think about this for 15 damn minutes? We've been at his parents' house for a couple of days and I haven't been able to think about this cycle the entire time but they're gone for an hour or so--can't I take advantage of this time to be upset? I promise I'll do my best to be normal by the time they come back, but I need this time right now.

In an hour we need to leave to go to lunch at his grandma's house....spaghetti. Joy. No way to get healthy around that. So it looks like I'll just eat a tiny bit and be hungry, unless there are other options there.

Oh, and for those wondering, I'm still going to POAS tomorrow--I can't help it. But I'm not going to spend forever trying to find a line.