Time for Celebration!

I believe I had set myself a goal of being below 200 by the end of July. At one point I thought it would be impossible for me to reach, especially with a gain in the middle of the month.

Well, last night at my last weigh-in of the month, I weighed in at 198.8! So I made it!

Now to work even harder (if that's possible) at achieving that other goal... ;)

Rollercoaster (of love)

Yes, I've been singing the Red Hot Chili Peppers song (and yes, I know someone else sang it first) for the last day or two. I'm on a rollercoaster and it's all because of love. Because I already have so much love for this child that has yet to be conceived. He or she exists in my heart, even if s/he doesn't in my body.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty positive about everything--I have been feeling off-and-on nauseous, bloated...things sort of point to being pg. But today I woke up really just feeling that AF is on her way. I'm crampy like I normally am before AF (although it still seems early). I just have to expect that I'm going to start spotting tomorrow or Friday. So today I'm down again.

It's all very frustrating. I wish I could forget about it until Friday or Saturday, but I can't. Everything my body does, I focus on it. The fact that my mouth has been watering for 2 days (you know, like it does before you throw up), the fact that I've been having breast pain, the fact that I'm bloated, the fact that I was ravenous last night and couldn't stop eating...most people probably don't notice this stuff, but I dwell on it. And I can try to tell myself not to do it, but it doesn't help. *sigh* I try to relax and I try to not think about it, but nothing works. I can focus on my work, but the thoughts about what my body is doing is always in the back of my mind.

Healthy Treats

I've discovered a few healthy-ish treats that I wanted to share with everyone out there trying to watch their weight!

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Lemon Shake-Up

You've all probably tried the drinks at fairs and festivals. They put an obnoxious amount of sugar into a cup with lemons, ice, and water, shake them up, then hand over the calorie-laden drink. Well, I've found a good way to make them with zero calories!

You'll need:
1 lemon
1/4 to 1/3 c. Splenda
ice
water
martini shaker

1) Squeeze all the juice out of the lemon into the martini shaker.
2) Add the Splenda
3) Add about 8 ice cubes
4) Put lemons into shaker, then fill the shaker with water until about 1 inch from the upper rim.
5) Put lids on shaker and shake the hell out of it.
6) Pour into cup (sometimes the lemon halves don't fit) and enjoy!

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Pumpkin Ice Cream
From Hungry Girl

Ingredients:
1/2 cup Breyers Double Churn Free Creamy Vanilla fat-free ice cream
1 tbsp. canned pure pumpkin (not pumpkin pie filling)
1/8 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
2 low-fat honey graham crackers (half a sheet), lightly crushed
4 tbsp. Fat Free Reddi-wip

Directions:

1) Place ice cream in a small dessert bowl, and allow it to thaw just slightly (a few minutes).
2) Then stir in the pumpkin and pumpkin pie spice until thoroughly mixed.
3) Place bowl in the freezer for 30 minutes to allow the ice cream to firm up (editor's note: don't freeze too long or you'll never get it out of the bowl!).
4) Then top with the Redd-wip, followed by the crushed graham crackers.
5) Enjoy!

MAKES 1 SERVING (2 pts per serving)

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I found a fantastic frozen pizza last night that I've fallen in love with. I got it at Kroger. I don't know about you, but I have a horrible time rationing myself when I'm eating pizza. I'd prefer to eat half a pizza. Well, half of this pizza is still only 480 calories (9 points for you points-counters...it has added fiber)! If you eat only a quarter of it, it's only 4 points per serving! Wow! Unfortunately, I forgot to write down the brand, so I'll have to look and post later. We added mushrooms to it, but you could add any veggies for free added flavor! Oh, and I needed to add a bit of Italian Seasoning to it as well. Yummo!

Everyone Poops....except me (TMI)

Apparently this is a book that is recommended for reading to little kids so they understand some of the natural, normal bodily functions.

Well, they're normal to everyone but me these days.

I've been eating well for awhile now. One thing WW really focuses on is getting lots of fiber (it's a great way to eat more food while counting less points), so I eat a ton of it. I eat whole grains, a bunch of fruit, and veggies. I used to be really regular. So why haven't I pooped but once in the last 7 days?

My mind immediately goes to my 2ww. If I were pg, my body would be increasing the amount of progesterone it produces in able to help sustain the pregnancy. So that, combined with the iron in my Flintstones vitamins that I take daily, could easily be causing the constipation. But I don't want to get my hopes up higher than they already are (which is actually pretty high).

So then I just think that maybe I'm taking too much iron and that, alone is causing the problem.

Or maybe it's all the bad food I had this weekend. It usually has the opposite effect...but who knows.

Either way, if I don't go sometime at work today, I'm going to be taking something tonight--this is miserable!!!

It's Monday

I've got all sorts of things going against me today...it's Monday, I'm 6 dpo, I'm at work, we woke up late, I'm (TMI) constipated... I should be in a terrible mood. However, I decided this morning that I wanted to try to be positive. I want to be cheerful and try to make people smile today.

All that sort of went to shit about 10 minutes after I got to work. I feel like I'm surrounded by negativity. Our office is quiet of any personal chit-chat, even though co-worker just returned from vacation. It's weird and it absolutely sucks. So now my positive mood is quickly being drained from me...but I'm still trying!

Happy Monday, everyone!

Lesson learned!

Someone last night at my book club (Kelsey/Kelsie--not the dog! lol) said something that made me think. She was talking about when bad things happen trying to think back to what you did in the past that made you "deserve" it.

A lot of friends told me they had a feeling we'd get pg the first cycle. I was *really* hoping they were right. But we didn't. And we're okay. But I'm sort of starting to wonder if God is having this take a little while (hopefully not a LONG while...just a little) because things have always (at least up until I graduated high school) come easily to me. I always got great grades but never had to study. I never practiced my trombone but still excelled. I hardly ever practiced piano, but it came naturally. I've always played different sports and did pretty well. So maybe God just wants me to work for something--to experience what it's like to NOT excel at everything I try.

Then I realize that I had to work for a lot of things since high school. I got cut from the band my first year and worked my butt off to make it every year after that. Having a good, healthy relationship apparently didn't come easily. My grades in college weren't good. I didn't get a job right out of college...so things haven't been all that easy in the last 10 years.

So I've learned the lesson already....it's okay, I get it!!!

And another update (maybe not so quick)

It looks like I Oed yesterday, so I'm glad we chose the option that had us BDing last night. So now I'm officially (I think--will be confirmed by temp tomorrow morning) 1 DPO. It seems like our timing was pretty darn perfect. I'm now feeling really optimistic, so that means if AF shows around August 1st, I'll be particularly upset. But now just need to relax. Relax relax relax.

This means I have two more WW meetings before I would know about being pg if this cycle worked. I was at 204.4 last week and have another meeting tonight. I basically have 2 weigh-ins to lose 4.4 pounds to hit my goal. But if I don't and just happen to be pg, I think that would be okay, too. :)

So, the upcoming plans are (I need to think about how I'm going to spend my 2ww):

Tonight: Working until 5:30 or so, then headed to WW. DH will stay home and cook dinner. By the time we eat it will be about 8:30 and almost time for bed.

Tomorrow: Working until about 5, then headed home to grab a quick dinner. I'm off to Book Club and DH is probably baby-sitting for our niece. May be a late night.

Friday-Sunday: No hard plans. I might suggest we go celebrate our anniversary with dinner. Maybe talk about having my parents up or going to the outlet mall or something.

Monday & Tuesday: Nothing on the schedule. May need to plan on a scrapbooking night with a friend.

Wednesday: Getting my hair cut and going to WW.

Thursday: Volunteering, dinner, then bed

Friday: Nothing major--just praying that spotting doesn't start by then.

An update

I've recently realized that there *are* people out there who are curious how I'm doing (hi! and thanks!)...so I thought I'd post a quick update about this cycle.

Today is CD 13, which means we're quickly approaching that magical, FWaP-ful time of the month.

We're trying a different approach this cycle. It seems that we might have been BDing a bit too much in the past and depleting DH of his "good swimmers". So we're trying to take it easy and I'm trying not to be quite so neurotic. :)

So we BD last night. And it was fun. And that was the point--it wasn't really to BD. It was just to have sex. And it was good.

Of course, as of yesterday I thought I'd be getting my last High reading on the CBEFM today and tomorrow I would get my first Peak. Then we'd BD either tomorrow night or Thursday morning and that would give the....ahem...."swimmers" time to replenish before go-time and I would O on CD 15, Thursday, like the last 3 cycles.

I think my body hates me. I think it's trying to teach me that there are really some things you just can't plan. And I resent it.

Yup, got a Peak today. So that means I should O 12-36 hours from that Peak reading. So anytime between 6:30 tonight and 6:30 tomorrow night (ie. NOT on Thursday). So now we have two choices:

1) BD tonight, giving DH's body about 24 hours to build his sperm supply back up and hopefully BDing right around the time I O...OR

2) BD tomorrow morning, giving DH's body about 33 hours to build his sperm supply back up and pray that we BD early enough.

A friend's RE told her to BD on the day AFTER her 1st Peak and to lay down for 45 minutes afterwards...which is what I want to try this cycle. If we wait until tomorrow morning, we'll be a little late to work, which is actually okay since we have to stay late tomorrow anyway. If we BD tonight, it'll have to be a bit earlier b/c if I lay down for 45 minutes too late I'll fall asleep and I do need to get up and pee so I don't end up with a UTI.

Such decisions!

We'll know tomorrow morning whether I O today or tomorrow (if my temp spikes tomorrow morning, then I Oed today...if the temp is still low tomorrow, it seems that I'll O tomorrow).

I hate this game. I hate not knowing what will happen. I hate taking chances and rolling the dice and possibly wasting a cycle by BDing too often or not often enough or missing the O.

But I'm still here, so no worrying about me. I'm just doing my darnedest to relax this cycle, even if it doesn't sound like it from my last rant. I'm even planning on having a glass of wine tonight!! :)

Shopping

Yes, I'm avoiding my self-review right now.

I have this intense urge to start baby shopping right now. I don't want to jinx us (or have baby-related stuff sitting around for years if it takes us a long time to get pg), so I won't. But I know there are great deals to be had at garage sales and this is the season for them! I'm just so excited to start getting baby-related things around the house... :) Oh well, I'll wait until I see that second line on the pee stick. But then, watch out!!!!

I don't know if I can do this

Every year we have to do a self-review as part of our performance review. I know it's coming every year, yet every year I get stressed out by it. We received our form late last Friday. I've looked at it every single day this week and didn't write anything down until yesterday. The questions are: Goals from last year and how well you completed them, Accomplishments, Strengths, and Weaknesses. I made myself a list of all the tasks I've completed, but they hardly seem like anything worth writing as an accomplishment. I know when I get in the actual review, my boss will ask "do you really believe BLAH???" I honestly don't feel confident enough in any of the things I'm going to write to defend them. I feel so negative right now that I'm not really sure I deserve a raise, although I know I worked pretty hard and I really WANT a raise. By this time next year, I'm hoping to have a baby and I know it will take money to raise one! But it's so hard for me to justify...whenever I look back at things that happened, I see the mistakes I made, not the good outcomes. But I still can't list my weaknesses...and can't come up with any strengths. I have to turn it in by the end of the day and just don't feel like I can. I thought I'd be in a good enough mood at some point this week to be able to do it, but I haven't been. And here it is, Friday.

Two pounds

In the wrong direction. Shit.

So even people who are generally successful at this have bad weeks.

I'm trying really hard not to let this one week's setback get me down. But I know if next week is bad (ie. not losing at least a pound), I will be really frustrated. I was at a good place to get below 200 by the end of July...now I'm not so sure.

But I AM going to keep going and keep working at it. It IS a lifestyle for me, a way of eating for the rest of my life. To help me live longer. To help me be happier. To help me be here for my DH. To help me get pregnant.

I hope.

Of course, my mom has lost 85 pounds and has doubled her blood pressure meds AND her diabetes meds. Who knows where she'd be if she hadn't lost that weight, but I can absolutely understand why she's so frustrated. I have to believe, though, that I will have some benefit from losing almost 70 pounds, besides the aesthetic ones. So I keep on keeping on.

But it's tough.

Spending Freeze

DH and I decided to have a self-imposed spending freeze. We have too much clutter in our house as it is--we don't need more stuff and I have an awful time with spending "just a little" here or there. It's not b/c we're having financial trouble--I just want to be more conscious of where our money is actually going. We're saving plenty and really, actually, doing quite well with what we have.

So we made a list of expected expenses between now and the end of August and, besides those, we won't be spending.

• All regular bills (I keep a running list of those in an Excel spreadsheet), including groceries and gas
• Grocery
• Five birthdays (it's a busy month for us!)
• Two night hotel stay for DH's cousin's wedding in St. Louis
• Food and gas for trip to St. Louis
• Wedding gift
• Maintenence for DH's car (hasn't had much but oil changes in the 4 years he's owned it....it's time)
• Possibly a jacket to wear over the dress I'm wearing to the wedding (budgeting $25 for it)
• A haircut for me (I only get it done once every 6 months or so...I'm due! lol)

Quite honestly, though, this will be a spendy month, even without all the extra stuff I would normally buy!

At least I can still get my shopping fix through CVS since I don't actually spend money there. Whew.

Emotional rawness

I have come to the realization recently that I dwell on negative things that happened in my past. I can easily name some of the worst moments of my life...but have a lot harder time coming up with the best moments of my life. Is that because things were generally so good that I took note when they weren't? Or is it just that I dwell too much on those negative things?

I had a hard time deciding whether to blog about this or not. It's been on my mind for awhile and decided finally to go for it--I want to get it out.

The truth is, I've been beating myself up for the last 9 years or so because of the way a relationship ended. It was entirely my fault and, had I realized then what a good thing I had, I wouldn't have screwed it up. I hurt a truly wonderful person and to this day still have a hard time forgiving myself for it.

I was a cheater.

They say people don't change, but I can say that I have changed. I cheated on two different long-term boyfriends and saw how much it hurt them and truly regret it and have changed my ways. I can't imagine ever cheating on DH, no matter how bad things got. (Not that things are bad--just sayin', if they did, that isn't a solution)

For some reason I've been able to forgive myself for the second one--maybe because our relationship was essentially over anyway...I don't know. But I was able to move on from that one. To this day, I still can't move on from cheating on my HS boyfriend. And no, it wasn't a one-time thing.

I'm not saying I want to leave DH for him or anything like that--just that I can't forgive myself and I'm not even sure how to go about doing that. He's told me he forgives me. He's moved on and got married a few months before DH and I did. We hung out for hours at our reunion and had a really great time. I thought that would be closure, but it wasn't--it just brought back the guilt and old feelings when I realized that he *still* is a good person and never deserved the way I treated him.

And I thought blogging about it would make me feel better, but I'm not sure it does. It actually makes me feel more guilty about being such an awful person and admitting it to however many strangers/friends read this blog. Do other people have regrets like this that they can't move past? Or is there something wrong with me for dwelling on this for so stinkin' long? It still can bring me to tears when I think about it--why does something from so long ago have such a strong emotional impact on me still?

To continue the good vibes...

Today is cycle day one. Yup, AF showed today. I am tempted to be brought down and depressed by this, so, once again, going to make a list about why this is good.

1) I can take the Diflucan I was prescribed since now I know I'm not pg. I've been shooting the crotch cream (yup, that's what I call it) for 3 days now, but I don't have to deal with it anymore because I can just take the single pill and have it all cleared up. Woot.

2) I can finally shop for a dress for DH's cousin's wedding. I've been putting it off because, hell, I could have been 4 months pg at the wedding if we'd gotten pg on the first shot (boy, how optimistic was I?). Even during this last cycle I didn't want to buy anything in case I had a crazy amount of bloat going on by 8 weeks. So if, by the grace of God, this cycle works, we will find out approximately the day before we leave (AF is due the day we leave town). What a depressing or exciting day that could be. I wouldn't think I'd be so bloated by then that I couldn't wear a cute new dress (or even one I find in my closet that fits again!).

3) I can get below 200 before getting pg! I hit 202.4 last night at WW, so if I work hard, I think I can get in the 100s by the end of the month!

4) I can continue my experimental drinking of wine. I LOVE Moscato wine (thanks, S!). It's definitely a dessert wine--SO sweet! I was nervous about drinking wine while trying to lose weight, but found that one glass (5 oz.) is only 2 points! I can typically spare 2 points in a given day and since I was still able to lose this week, I don't think it sabotaged me. So I'm going to try to drink more of it--I love it and after a long day, it's a great treat!

5) I can try to relax. If I were pg, I'd be worried all darn month that I was m/cing. So maybe I don't need to start that stress yet. I can just try to relax and enjoy this next month of spending time with DH.
So there, AF. I'm glad (???) you're here. Can't ruin my day with your silly cramps and stupid bleeding. Ha.

Changing my way of thinking

I wanted to log into blogger and post a blog bitching about some recent health issues that keep perpetuating themselves...and causing me to be sick (of some sort) for 3 weeks now. But by the time I got here, I realized that no one needs or wants to read that. And, well, shit happens, Allison...so suck it up.

So I am going to write a post about some things that make me happy right now:

1) A friend of mine offered to design my landscaping--for free (although I might babysit her little one sometime or something...)! I hope she understands the undertaking this is going to be--I know NOTHING about gardening and our flower beds are currently overridden with weeds. Ick! But I'm really excited to be getting that kick in the butt that I apparently need to get something done outside.

2) I get some time to myself this evening. I LOVE having DH around and spending time with him, but I'm actually looking forward to spending just a couple of hours doing my own thing (which I could totally do with him home). I think I'm going to put together a board we can hang near our kitchen where we can put pictures, invitation, etc. I doubt it will get done tonight (will probably need tools I don't know how to use), but I'm going to at least start it!

3) We're making plans to go to a Cleveland Browns game this fall with DH's whole family and I am SO excited! Just need to talk to BIL and SIL tonight (will see SIL at WW) to see if they're interested. Right now it's MIL, FIL, younger BIL (+1--maybe his GF, maybe a friend?), DH and me. Hopefully BIL and SIL will want to come. Tickets go on sale on Saturday morning at 10, so we'll be ordering them then!

4) DH and I are keeping up on the laundry that we started last weekend and I've been able to purge a BUNCH of clothes. I'm really proud of myself. Now just need to find a good cause to send them to.

5) I put on a formal dress last weekend that I hadn't worn since college--and I looked hot!!! lol

6) We're going to work on decorating our bedroom soon. It's already painted and has new furniture, but it needs something on the walls, so I'm going to print and frame some photos I took in NYC. I edited them last night with Photoshop, just to crop them a bit and spice them up a bit:

I think they look almost professional--a big feat for me!

See, just thinking about those things have made me feel better! Sometimes you just need to.....Accentuate the Positive!!!

Oh, and just for good measure...a picture of my beautiful niece, who always makes me smile.

Just tell me when

I've realized recently that BDing, for me, is a lot like eating. I have a hard time knowing when I'm actually hungry and when I'm just bored, at least until I'm totally famished. I also don't really seem to be "hungry" for BDing, so the only time it happens is when it's FWaP. I blamed my lack of a sex drive on the pill, but it's seeming like that wasn't the case because I still have very little interest (sad for DH, I know).

So I have WW that tells me how much I need to eat in a day. It scares the shit out of me that I won't know how much to eat when I'm pg--I'm just supposed to listen to my body. Yeah, I overeat when I do that.

And now we're TTC--so I know when we're supposed to BD. Unfortunately, I have very little interest outside of that time, which just royally sucks. I'd rather snuggle than BD, hands down, every night. I know that that's not necessarily good--a wife is supposed to want to have sex with her husband. It's not DH, it's absolutely me. I suppose I should make a better effort and maybe I'd want to more often. We'll see.

Shutting down

A couple of you know that I used to have anorexic tendencies. I was never officially diagnosed, but I didn't eat for a lot of my junior and senior years of high school. Whenever I was faced with a situation where I had no food choices--it was either eat unhealthy stuff or go hungry--I chose to go hungry. So I see those tendencies creeping back in and I'm not exactly sure how to fight them. I try to make situations so I can control them, but there's not much I can control when we're here. Therefore, I tend to shut down. It's easier for me to not eat at all than to just have a couple of chips or just one cookie, especially in an already stressful situation. Once I start, I have a hard time stopping.

I'm working on it. I believe just being aware of it has to be good for something. But I'm a work in progress.

No, I didn't lose 70 pounds at all by not eating--I always eat now. But when in situations where I don't have a healthy choice, it's hard for me to let my guard down a little and try portion control with unhealthy stuff, especially when I don't have any idea what the nutritional value of stuff is (and when I'm in a situation where everyone is eating everything in sight).

Can I cry?

I fully believe we're onto cycle #4 at this point--I've started spotting today, right on schedule. I know many of you are thinking "don't give up hope just yet--lots of people spot and are pg", but I really feel like I know my body at this point, and this is the beginning of the end.

So I'm sad. Rightfully so, I think. Like I always say--I know other people take much longer than this to get pg, but it doesn't change the fact that it makes me sad that it didn't work this time.

Also weighed myself on the ILs' scale--gained 2 pounds from yesterday morning. I'm sure it's bloat, but after all the crap I ate yesterday (I tried...but when all you have for dinner is 2 FF hot dogs and there are no healthy choices in the house, chips and dip and cookies sound pretty damn good), I just feel guilty. So when I told DH that I think the cycle is over, he tries to be all upbeat and says "well, at least you can focus on your other goal now". I respond with "I've gained 2 pounds in one day". So he gets frustrated and walks away.

Am I not allowed to be upset? Can I not cry and think about this for 15 damn minutes? We've been at his parents' house for a couple of days and I haven't been able to think about this cycle the entire time but they're gone for an hour or so--can't I take advantage of this time to be upset? I promise I'll do my best to be normal by the time they come back, but I need this time right now.

In an hour we need to leave to go to lunch at his grandma's house....spaghetti. Joy. No way to get healthy around that. So it looks like I'll just eat a tiny bit and be hungry, unless there are other options there.

Oh, and for those wondering, I'm still going to POAS tomorrow--I can't help it. But I'm not going to spend forever trying to find a line.

Standing up for myself

I have a really hard time standing up for myself when it comes to food and my ILs. They know I'm trying to eat more healthy and they have thought about that. For instance, my MIL got me some FF Ranch dressing for our salads the other night, which was so nice!

However, I also don't like picnic foods. None of them. I'll eat the meat, but no macaroni salad, pasta salad, potato salad, deviled eggs, baked beans, melon...so the only other option is potato chips, which I have cut out of my diet. Yeah, so we've had picnic foods for dinner both last night and tonight. Last night it was nice--they got chicken to grill, salad, tomatoes, and corn on the cob. No worries--I eat all that. Well, tonight we're having....brats (yum, but SO fatty...), hot dogs, baked beans, chips & dip, watermelon, and macaroni salad. So I asked if I could make some cookies. So I'll be eating hot dogs and my cookies. I have NEVER liked picnic foods, but have they ever noticed that? Of course not. 6 1/2 years around this family and they've never thought about it.

The problem is that I have a hard time standing up for myself and asking for stuff that I can eat (besides making the dessert...hey, I'm trying). I guess I just figure that it isn't important enough that they would remember so why would they change their menu for me? I just wonder when they'll notice that I eat nothing but the meat. Eh, probably never.

You might be wondering where DH is through all this? Yeah, he asks me wtf else you're supposed to eat at a picnic. Helpful, dear. Thanks. We cook out at our house all the time and I have no problems. So he's no help and doesn't say anything. Ugh. So eating around here is pretty miserable.

9 DPO and I'm obsessing

Yup, I spoke too soon when I said the 2WW was going smoothly and I hadn't been thinking about it too much. I've been feeling nauseous off and on for the last couple of days and have had some cramping recently. I've got to think it's PMS-cramping, but of course I wonder. Ugh. Will definitely be testing Monday morning--I can't wait any longer than that!!!

A weird place

I realized last night how odd of a place I'm at in my life. I'm trying very hard to lose weight (last night I got great news--I'm over 70 pounds overall and lost 25 with WW, which means I passed my 10% goal as well with WW) but I'm also trying very hard to get pg. I suppose it's good in the sense that AF can show and I can say "well, at least I have another 4 weeks to get my weight under 200 pounds". But it just seems weird. Like I'm in a race or something--which will win, the weight loss goal or the goal to be a mommy?

Slacker

Yup, I'm a slacker.

But there's a sort of good reason I haven't been blogging as much. I've been trying not to think about whether we're pg or not. I've been focusing on other things in my life and trying to... *gasp* relax. :) Yes, I'm in the 2ww...and I'm actually doing okay.

Yes, I'm anxious. Yes, I'm ready for next Monday (11 DPO--the date I'm forcing myself to wait for to test) to come. But until then, I'm going to be relaxing and maybe doing some small traveling.

I'm just excited the holiday weekend is upon us. That means sleeping in and doing a whole lot of nothing, if you ask me!!!

Hope everyone has a safe and happy Fourth of July!!