I have come to the realization recently that I dwell on negative things that happened in my past. I can easily name some of the worst moments of my life...but have a lot harder time coming up with the best moments of my life. Is that because things were generally so good that I took note when they weren't? Or is it just that I dwell too much on those negative things?
I had a hard time deciding whether to blog about this or not. It's been on my mind for awhile and decided finally to go for it--I want to get it out.
The truth is, I've been beating myself up for the last 9 years or so because of the way a relationship ended. It was entirely my fault and, had I realized then what a good thing I had, I wouldn't have screwed it up. I hurt a truly wonderful person and to this day still have a hard time forgiving myself for it.
I was a cheater.
They say people don't change, but I can say that I have changed. I cheated on two different long-term boyfriends and saw how much it hurt them and truly regret it and have changed my ways. I can't imagine ever cheating on DH, no matter how bad things got. (Not that things are bad--just sayin', if they did, that isn't a solution)
For some reason I've been able to forgive myself for the second one--maybe because our relationship was essentially over anyway...I don't know. But I was able to move on from that one. To this day, I still can't move on from cheating on my HS boyfriend. And no, it wasn't a one-time thing.
I'm not saying I want to leave DH for him or anything like that--just that I can't forgive myself and I'm not even sure how to go about doing that. He's told me he forgives me. He's moved on and got married a few months before DH and I did. We hung out for hours at our reunion and had a really great time. I thought that would be closure, but it wasn't--it just brought back the guilt and old feelings when I realized that he *still* is a good person and never deserved the way I treated him.
And I thought blogging about it would make me feel better, but I'm not sure it does. It actually makes me feel more guilty about being such an awful person and admitting it to however many strangers/friends read this blog. Do other people have regrets like this that they can't move past? Or is there something wrong with me for dwelling on this for so stinkin' long? It still can bring me to tears when I think about it--why does something from so long ago have such a strong emotional impact on me still?
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4 comments:
have you thought about talking to anyone about what prompted you to cheat in the first place? Maybe if you TRULY understand the motivation behind it, you'll finally be able to forgive youself. It sounds like that's what you're having the hardest time with!
The absolute truth about my thoughts about seeing a therapist? I'm afraid I'll end up there for years dealing with my self-esteem issues (which I believe is the reason I cheated--both times).
Hugs to you. You are not a bad person at all. You made a mistake...you've said you're sorry and he accepted your apology. I know it's hard, but somehow, someway you need to let it go. I know it's easier said than done.
I have a lot of regret with my mom right now, so I **kind** of understand what you mean. I beat myself up pretty hard. My mom and I weren't close when I was growing up. Every day now for the rest of my life I will regret not telling her I'm sorry.
I wish you luck in finding a way to let it go. You're so special, so don't beat yourself up!
you don't have to talk to a therapist to figure out your motivations. Maybe talking with C. and doing some reading/research can help.
You're a good person, a smart person, a nice person who is good at so many things. (And gosh darn it, people like you!)
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