Small Things, Day 5

1) Wireless Internet--otherwise I'd never be online at home!
2) Pregnancy Books--I love these things!!!
3) Greeting Cards--I'm a bit of an addict...I have tons and tons of greeting cards. Now if I could remember to buy stamps, I'd be sending them all the time!
4) My new slippers--keep my feet warm, even if they don't keep my ankles warm... ;)
5) College basketball--when I can't be watching football, it's a decent substitute (although I don't think DH will agree--I'm just happy to be watching sports, he longs for football)

Small Things, Day 4

1) S'Mores Pop Tarts
2) My TWO monitors at work! It's great for when I need to have a list on one screen and work on the other or if I'm working on documentation. I love it!
3) Wrestling Meets... It made DH VERY happy to go to a wrestling meet that his coworker's sons were competing in, so we went last night. Although the bleachers were a little hard, I could tell how much he appreciated being there and it was neat to see him in his element.
4) "To the Expectant Parents" cards. We got two congratulatory cards last night from family members now that my mom is spreading the word. I love how thoughtful they are!
5) Fudge Rounds. I had no idea they could make my DH SO happy!

Fighting the Urge

I'm not sure why I'm fighting so hard, but I am...I'm not mentally ready to buy maternity clothes. My body, I think, is ready for it, but mentally I'm just not prepared. Plus I worry about if something should happen--then I have even more reminders....ugh.

Why am I so damn paranoid? I'm trying so hard to enjoy it and success most of the time. But there's just this nagging feeling that things CAN'T be this easy for me. It wasn't easy to get pg, why would it be easy to be and stay pregnant?

10 week 3 days today. We're out of the embryonic stage and into the fetal stage. That's a good sign, too.

So do I get to relax once we hit 12 weeks? Or do I wait to breathe that sigh of relief once I hit 13 weeks, officially marking the end of the 1st trimester? I just don't know. I relaxed significantly when we heard that little heartbeat. My ever-expanding midsection does seem to be a sign that baby is still in there, doing its little baby thing, but it's totally possible that something could have happened between last Tuesday and now.

I've heard people say before...you don't stop worrying until you die, so I suppose I should get used to it. I'm just making an effort not to allow this worrying to control my life (even if it doesn't seem like it!).

Grace in Small Things Day #3

1) Scrubs--LOVE this show! It's a great comedic relief from the drone of the average day.
2) Decent TP at work. I work in a public building, so it's definitely a blessing that we have better than average (read: 2-ply!) TP!
3) My new Smart Pot--a crock pot that turns to "keep warm" after a set amount of time. Since we're out of the house for at least 9 1/2 hours, most recipes call for 8 hours or less of cook time.
4) Allrecipes.com--my favorite recipe site
5) Light Twinkies--yum!

Small Things Day #2

(Yeah, I forgot yesterday, so I'll do two posts today)

1) WW Cookies & Cream Ice Cream Bars....OMG SO good!!!
2) My quesadilla maker
3) My new rice cooker (can you tell I'm thinking about food???)
4) Gel pens
5) My new Slanket (a blanket with sleeves--it looks goofy, but it really is useful! DH and I both use ours almost every night!)

Grace in Small Things, Day 1

My friend Happy Hopeful at http://bambinoclark.blogspot.com has given me the great idea of writing 365 days of greatfulness, especially in the small things. So, for the next 365 days I'll be listing 5 ways that I've experienced grace, either recently or in the past. I hope my readers will join me in this! We all need to find grace in whatever we do.

1) My Great Grandma--I am incredibly blessed to have known this remarkable woman. She was caring and thoughtful until her last day. Sadly, she passed away on Palm Sunday in 1992 at the age of 96. I was given my middle name after her and would love to pass the name along to a daughter, should we be blessed with one.

2) Football--I know it sounds silly to be grateful for football, but it has brought together a lot of people in my life! Also, if there were no football, there wouldn't be any collegiate marching bands and, therefore, there would be no "us".

3) Internet (stealing one!)--Without the internet, I would never have made some amazing people. In 2009 I'm hoping to reach out and get even closer to people and I'm SURE the internet will be my main tool!

4) Clean water--I love ice cold water and drink it all day at work and am SO glad I don't have to worry about it being contaminated or something!

5) P--Our little nickname for the baby, P is the thing I'm most grateful for right now. I just hope s/he decides s/he likes his/her home and sticks around for another 7 months!!!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone! I didn't exactly see midnight last night, but I awoke and it's now 2009 :) I hope the new year brings everyone much happiness and is a year for fulfilling many dreams for all of you.

Back from the doctor

Everything went well! She answered all of my questions, took a look at baby, and did a pap (joy...). The heartbeat was 170 (according to old wives' tales, that's in the girl range, but I'm guessing it's wrong!!!). The baby was measuring right on at 9w2d and they put my due date at August 3, 2009. What an amazing experience to hear and see that little heart just pumping away and to know that the baby is in there!

They did do a urine HPT and that made me the teeniest bit nervous! It still came up as pregnant, so that made me feel better :) Then we moved onto the u/s and everything.

During the appt, I asked if thyroid levels were a typical blood test they did (my maternal grandma lost 2 babies b/c of thyroid problems). The doctor said no, but that there's a study that I could participate in to have it checked. I enrolled in the study (took about 3 minutes), got a $10 Target GC, and when I went down for other blood work and they just took an extra vial of blood--no problem! It was all very easy and this way, if my thyroid levels are off, I'll know and we can think about treatment.

Such a relief! Now we just need to make it through the next few weeks and we can breathe even easier :)

I'm here!

First of all, Happy Holidays to all! I was away from a computer 12/22 through 12/28, so I missed wishing you all a Merry Christmas. We had a fantastic Christmas with our families and enjoyed spending time with them all, but are very glad to be home and in our own bed.

This post may completely random--lots of things to express today :)

What I'm experiencing right now:

~ Anxiety ~ Our first doctor's appointment is FINALLY tomorrow morning at 9:40 a.m.! Even though I've been consistently experiencing symptoms, I still worry and pray that everything is okay in there! I can't wait to see our little one!

~ Nausea ~ It showed up at almost exactly 6 weeks, went away at almost exactly 7 weeks, then came back on Christmas Day at 8.5 weeks. It's not horrible and, as I've been telling people, if this is as bad as it gets, I'll be just fine.

~ Twinges ~ I definitely wouldn't call them cramps--just some pulling pretty low every once awhile. I'm not at all worried about it and hope I shouldn't be!

~ Exhaustion ~ This has been one symptom that hasn't really gone away much in the last 5 weeks or so. I constantly feel like I could go to sleep. I still haven't fallen asleep on anyone, but I sure feel like I could!!!

~ Bloating ~ I write that as I sit here with my pants undone at work. LOL! These are some skinnier pants and I think they're getting packed away VERY soon. I have plenty of pants that fit sort of big and won't put as much pressure on my tummy. Pressure=nausea. Blech.

~ Headaches ~ They aren't horrible, but I think it's worse because I'm trying VERY hard not to take anything for them!!!

~ Acid ~ Blech. I burp up almost anything I eat and find that if I drink water around the time I eat it's even worse. It's really hard to get in a lot of water when you can't drink when you eat and you're eating all the time. I've tried Tums, but I have just been burping them up, too...and orange cream Tums the 2nd time around aren't all that pleasant.

~ Food aversions ~ It hasn't been horrible, but I have no interest in meat right now, so planning meals has been pretty difficult. I survived the holidays pretty well, but am hoping this is just a first trimester thing!

~ Nipple tenderness ~ They've been pretty sore since around the time of my BFP. Nothing horrible and it comes and goes, but it's definitely still there!

~ Congestion ~ Since I can't take anything for my allergies or a cold, I'm really paranoid about this. I was surrounded by sickness during part of the holiday, so I was really nervous that I'd catch it, but with the help of my Neti Pot and maybe a bit of prayer, I came out unscathed. The 70 degree day we had here, though, almost did me in! My allergies were going CRAZY with the windows down in the car! Luckily I'll be in the 2nd trimester by the time spring rolls around and I may be able to go back on my allergy medicines by then (my precaution, not my doctor's--she told me I could stay on all my meds when we got pg, but I didn't want to risk it)!

~ Gas ~ How could I forget???? I don't think I need to say any more, though....

What I'm NOT experiencing:

Frequent urination
Constipation
Mood swings

Just goes to show you that every pregnancy is different! (this is what I keep reminding myself to keep myself sane)

I'll post sometime tomorrow (it may be a crazy day with two doctor's appointments and 3 meetings at work!) to let you all know how the appointment goes. Say a little prayer that we've got good news!

Less than...

...1 week to Christmas (since Christmas starts on Wednesday for us)

and....

....2 weeks until we see P (which is what DH decided to start calling the baby--and no, it doesn't stand for anything. lol)!

So much to look forward to, but so much stress as well!

Since we won't be in town most of next week (but will have someone staying in our house, all you would-be robbers...), we need to get a lot done in the next 4 days (bear with me while I write it all out here...)

• Wraps gifts
• Finish purchasing gifts (mostly online and a couple of GCs)
• Put together gifts
• Buy gift bags
• Do laundry
• Pack
• Make food for tomorrow (holiday potluck at work)
• Make food for Saturday (party at a friend's)
• Do Christmas cards if we're going to....
• Put my Secret Nestie gift in the mail
• Order gift for DH's cousin's wedding (we aren't attending, but want to send something since I slacked on the shower)
• Finish up everything for work
• Get an oil change
• Bake Christmas cookies (I really want to do this, but don't know if I'll have time)
• SLEEP (yes, I have to put it on the list or it won't get done)

I have no idea how it will get done since tonight is volunteering, then dinner with a friend (so won't be home until almost bedtime), then tomorrow is work all day again. So really we just have tomorrow evening, Saturday morning/afternoon, and Sunday to do it all. Ugh.

I do love Christmas, but will love it a lot more once this is all done!!!

Have a happy holiday, everyone!!!

How do people have healthy pregnancies?

It seems like almost everyone I know has had a miscarriage and that scares the shit out of me. I just feel like it's everywhere and it makes me wonder if there really are people out there who have healthy pregnancies that go a full 9 months. Pregnancy is so incredibly fragile. I sort of felt like as I get further along in this first trimester I can relax a bit more, but then I read about people who m/c at 9 weeks (and later) and I panic all over again. I knew in my head that we couldn't relax much until we hit 12 weeks, but part of me was getting used to being pg and just trying to enjoy it.

I'm so scared. I wish I weren't. I wish I could just relax and be at least somewhat naive about the whole thing and believe in my heart that this pregnancy is going to stick for the next 9 months, but I'm having a really hard time with it. And I know the stress of being worried isn't good for the baby at all, so it's this horrible vicious cycle. I worry that baby won't be okay, that causes more stress, making it more likely that baby won't be okay, then I worry some more... How do I relax and just try to enjoy this and not feel paralyzed by the fear of a miscarriage?

I want to be a mommy more than anything in the world and after the road we took to get here (not as long and painful as others, but it wasn't particularly pleasant), I fear having to start all over again.

Double-Edged Sword

For the past week, I've been experiencing some pretty constant nausea. Not fun. I'm nervous about what I can eat and have had a complete aversion to meat of any kind. I've also found that I have an interest in anything made with cream cheese. Weird, eh?

The problem is that yesterday I felt great. Why is that a problem, you ask? Well, it makes me paranoid that, with some symptoms beginning to disappear, my estrogen and progesterone levels are decreasing. Yes, I'm overly paranoid, probably, but I'm trying to prepare myself for all the different outcomes.

So while I hate the nausea while I'm experiencing it, when it's not here, it makes me worry. Neurotic? Yes, of course.

Oh the snot!

With an increase in mucus elsewhere (ahem...), my nasal passages are constantly congested. I'm ridiculously paranoid that I'm getting a cold (especially since DH has been fighting one for the past week and a half. Of course, the first trimester exhaustion combines with that congestion to REALLY make me think I'm getting sick. Ugh.

Of course DH is paranoid, too, and is VERY worried that he's given me his cold. I was battling with nausea pretty badly one evening, so he called me at work the next day and asked how I was feeling. I told him the nausea wasn't too bad that day, but then realized he was actually making sure I hadn't gotten his cold! lol I'm sure I'll get one at some point, but we're in for a bad winter if I get one already!

I guess the exhaustion is my body's way of making me sleep when I really need it, but it's pretty bad timing with the holidays! I don't have energy to do any Christmas shopping or any of the things I need to do to prepare for the next few weeks. And I have no idea how I'm going to handle being in houses with lots and lots of food....ick. But we'll do the best we can because we're just working on keeping this baby as healthy as possible.

The BFP story

I know when I was TTC I always wanted to hear about the symptoms that people with BFPs experienced, so I thought I would post about what led up to my getting a BFP.

As you all know, I typically start spotting at 9 or maybe 10 DPO. As I posted on 11/19 (8 DPO), I felt just like I always did at 8 DPO--starting to get a little crampy and feeling a little blah.

5DPO--bbs started hurting (normally started at O and ended around 5DPO)

8DPO--light cramping, like normal, bbs still hurt off and on

9DPO--very light spotting like normal, was convinced cycle was over, bbs still a little painful

10DPO--spotting tapered off, some creamy CM, a couple of twinges in my bbs

11DPO--forced myself to go pee as soon as I got up so I wouldn't test, no spotting. Told myself that if there was no spotting when I went to pee again (around 2 p.m.) I would test. No spotting, so I POAS and got a pretty decent line.

I watched the urine wick over the stick and saw no line and wanted to cry. I got done and started to leave the bathroom when I thought I actually did see a line. I yelled downstairs to DH (who was entertaining guests during halftime of the OSU/M*ch*g*n game), "honey, would you please come help me look for something?" He came upstairs.

"What do you see?"
"Ummm...a line. "
"How many lines?"
"Two. What does that mean?"
"What do you think that means!??!"
"I don't believe you."
So then I POAnotherS.

And then he understood. And we cried. And hugged. And then we hid our excitement because we weren't ready to share our good news.

The first week or so (at least!) I didn't have any symptoms besides slightly sorer bbs and quite a bit of creamy CM.

Before I hit 6 weeks, I'd had a couple of waves of nausea, but nothing too huge (except on Saturday the 6th--that morning was rough). I was exhausted, though. *yawn* I can't stay awake past 8:30 or 9 most nights. And now...the "morning" sickness has hit me. I'm bloated (I think...I tried to ignore the state of my belly before). And I'm starting to believe I really am pregnant.

Survivor's Guilt

I know I will get all sorts of reassuring responses, but this is absolutely the way I feel...

Part of me feels guilty for being pregnant. After TTC for 8 months, I was starting to accept that we were going to have trouble TTC and had gotten myself into a group of people who were TTC, many of whom had trouble TTC. And now I'm not in it anymore and that's just weird to me. I feel guilty that I got out, that I'm pregnant, and they aren't. I love these girls and pray for them every day and hope to hear great news from them when they're reaching the end of their cycle. I want the absolute best for them and I want them to join me in the, for lack of a better word, life-after. Life after being categorized as TTC (if not trouble TTC).

Why did I get chosen when there are others who have been trying longer than DH and I did? And, in the same vein, why are there others who can get pg the first try? It just seems like it would be fairer if we all knew it would take 6 cycles to get pg and it did for everyone. But that's just not how it works. So even though I feel like I paid my pennance, I waited for longer than the "average" (whatever that means), I feel guilty for those that have been trying for longer.

Okay, okay....

I guess I didn't fool many (if any of you)...you figured out my secret anyway.

Just so you know, I did NOT lie to you....I have been ridiculously busy at work (12/1 is a big deadline) and haven't had much time to blog or anything. But I have been lying by omission.

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!! :)

I'll post all details later--I've even been writing stuff out like symptoms and everything and will continue to post here about all the personal stuff (lucky you) :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

No time for a real post--just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving! Be thankful for all the joys and blessings in your life. I am!

(I will be really busy for the next week and a half or so, so if you don't hear anything from me, no worries!)

Healthy Recipe Thursday

I've decided on another new feature for my blog--Healthy Recipe Thursday! I have tons of great recipes that I'd love to share. I thought about doing a whole healthy recipe blog, but decided just to make it a feature here.

For my first healthy recipe, I thought it was only fitting to talk about cake. I could honestly eat cake every single day and be happy. So I want to share a great thing with all of you trying to watch what you eat: The Diet Coke Cake

Ingredients:
1 can Diet Coke
1 box chocolate cake mix

Mix in a mixing bowl and bake as you usually would (or, better yet, put it in a microwaveable bowl and microwave it for about 9 minutes).

That's it! No eggs, no water--just the Diet Coke and a cake mix. The calories will totally depend on how big your portions are and what kind of cake mix you use, but to calculate the nutritional information, just take it directly from the cake mix (making sure you're watching the portions given for the mix).

Another variation that I tried was white cake mix with Sprite Zero. I've also heard that you can play with different flavors of diet soda to spice it up a little.

I made this the other night, thinking I would do a chocolate cake. So I poured the Diet Coke (caffeine free, of course) into the bowl and went for my cake mix. No chocolate to be found...so we used white cake. It was a little gray, but tasted the same!

Enjoy!

Things I'm grateful for today:
- My boss is gone so I feel a teeny bit less pressure to work my tail off
- I get to go volunteer tonight and make a difference in some people's lives
- I also get to see some of my favorite people at Book Club

New Outlook

I've been reading another blog where the blogger writes the things she's grateful for at the end of each entry. I am planning on starting that so even when I'm down about the outcome of a cycle, I can remember there are things to be happy about.

That said, I'm pretty sure the cycle is over. I'm starting to feel crampy and bloaty, just like I do just about every 8 dpo. So I'm guessing we're onto cycle #9.

My grateful thoughts:
- I'm grateful that I have a job in this tough economy. I'm very frustrated by it right now, but I'm so glad I have it and that DH and I aren't struggling financially.
- I'm grateful that it's Beat M*ch*g*n Week! Go Bucks!
- I'm grateful that I have a great support system of women who truly care about me (thanks for all the awesome comments, ladies!)

Progress

Apparently my mind is making progress. I was starting to think I'd be in this rut forever.

As far as TTC is concerned, I had quite the breakthrough last week. I think I've finally realized that I CANNOT control everything. Really. No, REALLY. Yes, there are things that I can do to improve our chances, but if that sperm doesn't meet the egg, there's no way we can conceive. And I CAN'T control whether that happens.

My trying to control everything and give us the best shot possible to conceive has begun to become a drain on my sanity. And I can't allow that to happen any longer. So I'm not. Yes, I'll still chart and use the CBEFM, but if I forget to take a supplement, I'm not going to beat myself up. And if I want to do strenuous exercise during the 2ww, I will. I can't keep avoiding exercise and alcohol and ibuprofen and still live my life. I will continue to take my vitamins and the supplements to aid my CM production. If I take the B6, great, but if not, it will be okay.

So I'm happy about where my mind is at with that. For now. I realize I've had this revelation before...but I keep trying to return to it and I think I've found a good place now. Heck, I'm 6 DPO and haven't really thought about it much at all.

Yesterday was also a breakthrough for my weight loss. I went to JCPenney b/c they were having a great sale and I had a coupon (and you all know how much I love a deal!). There was a sweater I had seen previously that I wanted to get and I discovered a lot of clearance deals as well. I gathered about 15 items and made my way to the dressing room. I tried on quite a bit of things...but almost everything was too big! Woohoo! I was horribly nervous to shop in the Misses section, but apparently I didn't need to be. I'm officially in 14s, even in pants! Woohoo! So I got two pairs of dress pants, a button-up dress shirt, and the sweater for $40.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, before yesterday, I apparently thought I was a bit bigger than I am. And I'm finally realizing that this really is happening--I really am getting smaller. I still feel like a cow next to these silly college students prancing around, but find that some things are SO much easier now, including finding clothes :) I still visited the Women's section, but couldn't find anything to wear. 1X shirts are way too big and even regular XL are getting to be too big. Wow. I don't remember the last time I wore a Large or a 14. Heck, I even tried on a pair of jeans in 12 and they were darn close to fitting! They buttoned, but the thighs were a bit tight.

I'm in a good place right now :)