Back from the doctor

Everything went well! She answered all of my questions, took a look at baby, and did a pap (joy...). The heartbeat was 170 (according to old wives' tales, that's in the girl range, but I'm guessing it's wrong!!!). The baby was measuring right on at 9w2d and they put my due date at August 3, 2009. What an amazing experience to hear and see that little heart just pumping away and to know that the baby is in there!

They did do a urine HPT and that made me the teeniest bit nervous! It still came up as pregnant, so that made me feel better :) Then we moved onto the u/s and everything.

During the appt, I asked if thyroid levels were a typical blood test they did (my maternal grandma lost 2 babies b/c of thyroid problems). The doctor said no, but that there's a study that I could participate in to have it checked. I enrolled in the study (took about 3 minutes), got a $10 Target GC, and when I went down for other blood work and they just took an extra vial of blood--no problem! It was all very easy and this way, if my thyroid levels are off, I'll know and we can think about treatment.

Such a relief! Now we just need to make it through the next few weeks and we can breathe even easier :)

I'm here!

First of all, Happy Holidays to all! I was away from a computer 12/22 through 12/28, so I missed wishing you all a Merry Christmas. We had a fantastic Christmas with our families and enjoyed spending time with them all, but are very glad to be home and in our own bed.

This post may completely random--lots of things to express today :)

What I'm experiencing right now:

~ Anxiety ~ Our first doctor's appointment is FINALLY tomorrow morning at 9:40 a.m.! Even though I've been consistently experiencing symptoms, I still worry and pray that everything is okay in there! I can't wait to see our little one!

~ Nausea ~ It showed up at almost exactly 6 weeks, went away at almost exactly 7 weeks, then came back on Christmas Day at 8.5 weeks. It's not horrible and, as I've been telling people, if this is as bad as it gets, I'll be just fine.

~ Twinges ~ I definitely wouldn't call them cramps--just some pulling pretty low every once awhile. I'm not at all worried about it and hope I shouldn't be!

~ Exhaustion ~ This has been one symptom that hasn't really gone away much in the last 5 weeks or so. I constantly feel like I could go to sleep. I still haven't fallen asleep on anyone, but I sure feel like I could!!!

~ Bloating ~ I write that as I sit here with my pants undone at work. LOL! These are some skinnier pants and I think they're getting packed away VERY soon. I have plenty of pants that fit sort of big and won't put as much pressure on my tummy. Pressure=nausea. Blech.

~ Headaches ~ They aren't horrible, but I think it's worse because I'm trying VERY hard not to take anything for them!!!

~ Acid ~ Blech. I burp up almost anything I eat and find that if I drink water around the time I eat it's even worse. It's really hard to get in a lot of water when you can't drink when you eat and you're eating all the time. I've tried Tums, but I have just been burping them up, too...and orange cream Tums the 2nd time around aren't all that pleasant.

~ Food aversions ~ It hasn't been horrible, but I have no interest in meat right now, so planning meals has been pretty difficult. I survived the holidays pretty well, but am hoping this is just a first trimester thing!

~ Nipple tenderness ~ They've been pretty sore since around the time of my BFP. Nothing horrible and it comes and goes, but it's definitely still there!

~ Congestion ~ Since I can't take anything for my allergies or a cold, I'm really paranoid about this. I was surrounded by sickness during part of the holiday, so I was really nervous that I'd catch it, but with the help of my Neti Pot and maybe a bit of prayer, I came out unscathed. The 70 degree day we had here, though, almost did me in! My allergies were going CRAZY with the windows down in the car! Luckily I'll be in the 2nd trimester by the time spring rolls around and I may be able to go back on my allergy medicines by then (my precaution, not my doctor's--she told me I could stay on all my meds when we got pg, but I didn't want to risk it)!

~ Gas ~ How could I forget???? I don't think I need to say any more, though....

What I'm NOT experiencing:

Frequent urination
Constipation
Mood swings

Just goes to show you that every pregnancy is different! (this is what I keep reminding myself to keep myself sane)

I'll post sometime tomorrow (it may be a crazy day with two doctor's appointments and 3 meetings at work!) to let you all know how the appointment goes. Say a little prayer that we've got good news!

Less than...

...1 week to Christmas (since Christmas starts on Wednesday for us)

and....

....2 weeks until we see P (which is what DH decided to start calling the baby--and no, it doesn't stand for anything. lol)!

So much to look forward to, but so much stress as well!

Since we won't be in town most of next week (but will have someone staying in our house, all you would-be robbers...), we need to get a lot done in the next 4 days (bear with me while I write it all out here...)

• Wraps gifts
• Finish purchasing gifts (mostly online and a couple of GCs)
• Put together gifts
• Buy gift bags
• Do laundry
• Pack
• Make food for tomorrow (holiday potluck at work)
• Make food for Saturday (party at a friend's)
• Do Christmas cards if we're going to....
• Put my Secret Nestie gift in the mail
• Order gift for DH's cousin's wedding (we aren't attending, but want to send something since I slacked on the shower)
• Finish up everything for work
• Get an oil change
• Bake Christmas cookies (I really want to do this, but don't know if I'll have time)
• SLEEP (yes, I have to put it on the list or it won't get done)

I have no idea how it will get done since tonight is volunteering, then dinner with a friend (so won't be home until almost bedtime), then tomorrow is work all day again. So really we just have tomorrow evening, Saturday morning/afternoon, and Sunday to do it all. Ugh.

I do love Christmas, but will love it a lot more once this is all done!!!

Have a happy holiday, everyone!!!

How do people have healthy pregnancies?

It seems like almost everyone I know has had a miscarriage and that scares the shit out of me. I just feel like it's everywhere and it makes me wonder if there really are people out there who have healthy pregnancies that go a full 9 months. Pregnancy is so incredibly fragile. I sort of felt like as I get further along in this first trimester I can relax a bit more, but then I read about people who m/c at 9 weeks (and later) and I panic all over again. I knew in my head that we couldn't relax much until we hit 12 weeks, but part of me was getting used to being pg and just trying to enjoy it.

I'm so scared. I wish I weren't. I wish I could just relax and be at least somewhat naive about the whole thing and believe in my heart that this pregnancy is going to stick for the next 9 months, but I'm having a really hard time with it. And I know the stress of being worried isn't good for the baby at all, so it's this horrible vicious cycle. I worry that baby won't be okay, that causes more stress, making it more likely that baby won't be okay, then I worry some more... How do I relax and just try to enjoy this and not feel paralyzed by the fear of a miscarriage?

I want to be a mommy more than anything in the world and after the road we took to get here (not as long and painful as others, but it wasn't particularly pleasant), I fear having to start all over again.

Double-Edged Sword

For the past week, I've been experiencing some pretty constant nausea. Not fun. I'm nervous about what I can eat and have had a complete aversion to meat of any kind. I've also found that I have an interest in anything made with cream cheese. Weird, eh?

The problem is that yesterday I felt great. Why is that a problem, you ask? Well, it makes me paranoid that, with some symptoms beginning to disappear, my estrogen and progesterone levels are decreasing. Yes, I'm overly paranoid, probably, but I'm trying to prepare myself for all the different outcomes.

So while I hate the nausea while I'm experiencing it, when it's not here, it makes me worry. Neurotic? Yes, of course.

Oh the snot!

With an increase in mucus elsewhere (ahem...), my nasal passages are constantly congested. I'm ridiculously paranoid that I'm getting a cold (especially since DH has been fighting one for the past week and a half. Of course, the first trimester exhaustion combines with that congestion to REALLY make me think I'm getting sick. Ugh.

Of course DH is paranoid, too, and is VERY worried that he's given me his cold. I was battling with nausea pretty badly one evening, so he called me at work the next day and asked how I was feeling. I told him the nausea wasn't too bad that day, but then realized he was actually making sure I hadn't gotten his cold! lol I'm sure I'll get one at some point, but we're in for a bad winter if I get one already!

I guess the exhaustion is my body's way of making me sleep when I really need it, but it's pretty bad timing with the holidays! I don't have energy to do any Christmas shopping or any of the things I need to do to prepare for the next few weeks. And I have no idea how I'm going to handle being in houses with lots and lots of food....ick. But we'll do the best we can because we're just working on keeping this baby as healthy as possible.

The BFP story

I know when I was TTC I always wanted to hear about the symptoms that people with BFPs experienced, so I thought I would post about what led up to my getting a BFP.

As you all know, I typically start spotting at 9 or maybe 10 DPO. As I posted on 11/19 (8 DPO), I felt just like I always did at 8 DPO--starting to get a little crampy and feeling a little blah.

5DPO--bbs started hurting (normally started at O and ended around 5DPO)

8DPO--light cramping, like normal, bbs still hurt off and on

9DPO--very light spotting like normal, was convinced cycle was over, bbs still a little painful

10DPO--spotting tapered off, some creamy CM, a couple of twinges in my bbs

11DPO--forced myself to go pee as soon as I got up so I wouldn't test, no spotting. Told myself that if there was no spotting when I went to pee again (around 2 p.m.) I would test. No spotting, so I POAS and got a pretty decent line.

I watched the urine wick over the stick and saw no line and wanted to cry. I got done and started to leave the bathroom when I thought I actually did see a line. I yelled downstairs to DH (who was entertaining guests during halftime of the OSU/M*ch*g*n game), "honey, would you please come help me look for something?" He came upstairs.

"What do you see?"
"Ummm...a line. "
"How many lines?"
"Two. What does that mean?"
"What do you think that means!??!"
"I don't believe you."
So then I POAnotherS.

And then he understood. And we cried. And hugged. And then we hid our excitement because we weren't ready to share our good news.

The first week or so (at least!) I didn't have any symptoms besides slightly sorer bbs and quite a bit of creamy CM.

Before I hit 6 weeks, I'd had a couple of waves of nausea, but nothing too huge (except on Saturday the 6th--that morning was rough). I was exhausted, though. *yawn* I can't stay awake past 8:30 or 9 most nights. And now...the "morning" sickness has hit me. I'm bloated (I think...I tried to ignore the state of my belly before). And I'm starting to believe I really am pregnant.

Survivor's Guilt

I know I will get all sorts of reassuring responses, but this is absolutely the way I feel...

Part of me feels guilty for being pregnant. After TTC for 8 months, I was starting to accept that we were going to have trouble TTC and had gotten myself into a group of people who were TTC, many of whom had trouble TTC. And now I'm not in it anymore and that's just weird to me. I feel guilty that I got out, that I'm pregnant, and they aren't. I love these girls and pray for them every day and hope to hear great news from them when they're reaching the end of their cycle. I want the absolute best for them and I want them to join me in the, for lack of a better word, life-after. Life after being categorized as TTC (if not trouble TTC).

Why did I get chosen when there are others who have been trying longer than DH and I did? And, in the same vein, why are there others who can get pg the first try? It just seems like it would be fairer if we all knew it would take 6 cycles to get pg and it did for everyone. But that's just not how it works. So even though I feel like I paid my pennance, I waited for longer than the "average" (whatever that means), I feel guilty for those that have been trying for longer.

Okay, okay....

I guess I didn't fool many (if any of you)...you figured out my secret anyway.

Just so you know, I did NOT lie to you....I have been ridiculously busy at work (12/1 is a big deadline) and haven't had much time to blog or anything. But I have been lying by omission.

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!! :)

I'll post all details later--I've even been writing stuff out like symptoms and everything and will continue to post here about all the personal stuff (lucky you) :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

No time for a real post--just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving! Be thankful for all the joys and blessings in your life. I am!

(I will be really busy for the next week and a half or so, so if you don't hear anything from me, no worries!)

Healthy Recipe Thursday

I've decided on another new feature for my blog--Healthy Recipe Thursday! I have tons of great recipes that I'd love to share. I thought about doing a whole healthy recipe blog, but decided just to make it a feature here.

For my first healthy recipe, I thought it was only fitting to talk about cake. I could honestly eat cake every single day and be happy. So I want to share a great thing with all of you trying to watch what you eat: The Diet Coke Cake

Ingredients:
1 can Diet Coke
1 box chocolate cake mix

Mix in a mixing bowl and bake as you usually would (or, better yet, put it in a microwaveable bowl and microwave it for about 9 minutes).

That's it! No eggs, no water--just the Diet Coke and a cake mix. The calories will totally depend on how big your portions are and what kind of cake mix you use, but to calculate the nutritional information, just take it directly from the cake mix (making sure you're watching the portions given for the mix).

Another variation that I tried was white cake mix with Sprite Zero. I've also heard that you can play with different flavors of diet soda to spice it up a little.

I made this the other night, thinking I would do a chocolate cake. So I poured the Diet Coke (caffeine free, of course) into the bowl and went for my cake mix. No chocolate to be found...so we used white cake. It was a little gray, but tasted the same!

Enjoy!

Things I'm grateful for today:
- My boss is gone so I feel a teeny bit less pressure to work my tail off
- I get to go volunteer tonight and make a difference in some people's lives
- I also get to see some of my favorite people at Book Club

New Outlook

I've been reading another blog where the blogger writes the things she's grateful for at the end of each entry. I am planning on starting that so even when I'm down about the outcome of a cycle, I can remember there are things to be happy about.

That said, I'm pretty sure the cycle is over. I'm starting to feel crampy and bloaty, just like I do just about every 8 dpo. So I'm guessing we're onto cycle #9.

My grateful thoughts:
- I'm grateful that I have a job in this tough economy. I'm very frustrated by it right now, but I'm so glad I have it and that DH and I aren't struggling financially.
- I'm grateful that it's Beat M*ch*g*n Week! Go Bucks!
- I'm grateful that I have a great support system of women who truly care about me (thanks for all the awesome comments, ladies!)

Progress

Apparently my mind is making progress. I was starting to think I'd be in this rut forever.

As far as TTC is concerned, I had quite the breakthrough last week. I think I've finally realized that I CANNOT control everything. Really. No, REALLY. Yes, there are things that I can do to improve our chances, but if that sperm doesn't meet the egg, there's no way we can conceive. And I CAN'T control whether that happens.

My trying to control everything and give us the best shot possible to conceive has begun to become a drain on my sanity. And I can't allow that to happen any longer. So I'm not. Yes, I'll still chart and use the CBEFM, but if I forget to take a supplement, I'm not going to beat myself up. And if I want to do strenuous exercise during the 2ww, I will. I can't keep avoiding exercise and alcohol and ibuprofen and still live my life. I will continue to take my vitamins and the supplements to aid my CM production. If I take the B6, great, but if not, it will be okay.

So I'm happy about where my mind is at with that. For now. I realize I've had this revelation before...but I keep trying to return to it and I think I've found a good place now. Heck, I'm 6 DPO and haven't really thought about it much at all.

Yesterday was also a breakthrough for my weight loss. I went to JCPenney b/c they were having a great sale and I had a coupon (and you all know how much I love a deal!). There was a sweater I had seen previously that I wanted to get and I discovered a lot of clearance deals as well. I gathered about 15 items and made my way to the dressing room. I tried on quite a bit of things...but almost everything was too big! Woohoo! I was horribly nervous to shop in the Misses section, but apparently I didn't need to be. I'm officially in 14s, even in pants! Woohoo! So I got two pairs of dress pants, a button-up dress shirt, and the sweater for $40.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, before yesterday, I apparently thought I was a bit bigger than I am. And I'm finally realizing that this really is happening--I really am getting smaller. I still feel like a cow next to these silly college students prancing around, but find that some things are SO much easier now, including finding clothes :) I still visited the Women's section, but couldn't find anything to wear. 1X shirts are way too big and even regular XL are getting to be too big. Wow. I don't remember the last time I wore a Large or a 14. Heck, I even tried on a pair of jeans in 12 and they were darn close to fitting! They buttoned, but the thighs were a bit tight.

I'm in a good place right now :)

Two big things

No time to write, but wanted to post a couple of quick updates:

I'm pretty sure I Oed. Don't think my temps have ever been above 98 without Oing, so that's good. Don't know how good of one it was. Temps were slow to rise and my boobs don't hurt like they usually do (which I'm guessing is a sign of higher progesterone). But I did. I think it was on Tuesday--or maybe very early Wednesday, as my temp Wednesday wasn't spectacular.

Second--I eked my way into the 180s last night :D Weighed in a 189.6. Woot! My goal was to make it to 180 by Christmas and I might actually get close (typically average about a pound a week).

Pleasantly surprised...

....but only cautiously optimistic.

Woke up this morning expecting to POAS and get either another High or get a Low and be done with the monitor for this cycle. Well, I'm done with the monitor, but that's because I got a Peak! I know this still doesn't necessarily mean I'll O, but it means I'm having an LH surge and my body is trying to O.

I'm trying to stay as low-key as possible today. I'm going to try to do some meditation throughout the day and stay as low-stress as I can so hopefully O does come tomorrow (good timing, too, that we have a day off tomorrow--I can lay on my back with my legs up over my head for as long as I want). LOL

And the first thing I said when I saw that Peak was "Thank You" to God. I don't know why this was part of His plan, but it was--and I'm grateful.

Anovulatory, part 2

I'm sad. Yes, having an anovulatory cycle happens to everyone, whether they realize it or not. But when you're TTC. No, wait. When you're been TTC for 8 months, every month counts. This feels like a waste of a month. A waste of time spent waiting for O, waiting for that small window of availability to conceive a child. And when there is no window, it feels like you're waiting for nothing. And I feel lost right now, knowing that if I don't O, there's no chance for us this cycle. And that sucks.

Of course I do know I could just O late. But my week last week was horrible and stressful and I am sure it impeded my Oing, but who is to say that next week won't be horrible? And every week after that? We're getting into the busy season at work and that means more and more stress. Whether I want it to impact my life outside of work or not, it is, because it's impacting my body. So what do I do? How do I relax? I thought my evenings were pretty relaxing. I had volunteering, had a taste test, did some shopping, hung out with DH...spent my evenings doing things that I wanted to do. But apparently those 9 hours during the day where I'm at work just took over and impacted my life more than any amount of evening relaxing can repair.

This feels lot like getting a BFN at 9dpo. I allow myself to get sad about it, even though I know it's probably too early to really know for sure, thinking that, by getting sad now, I'm somehow protecting myself from when AF will start. But it never works. I still get my hopes up as AF approaches that maybe she just won't show. So here I am, getting myself all worked up and sad about not ovulating this cycle, when it could still happen. And as I allow myself to get sad right now, I'm hoping this will protect me when I realize that ovulation really isn't coming this cycle...but it won't work. So I'm going to try to pick myself up and keep hoping for ovulation, even if it's late, because I have to. If I don't, I'll just make my life even more miserable.

Follow Up to Yesterday

This could very well be an anovulatory cycle. *sigh* Just reminds me that it's not up to me. I think I have some OPKs downstairs that I might get out to start using so I don't waste the sticks on the CBEFM. My temps are just weird, getting a High reading on CBEFM for longer than normal, my bbs still aren't sore (they typically are by this point). I know it can still happen, but I think I'm going to give up hope at this point in the cycle. That way if I O, I'm pleasantly surprised (DH and I will still BD every other day for a little while), but I'm mentally prepared.

No O?

After getting all super-confident that my body was going to be crazy-regular, here I am doubting my body once again. I'm at CD 13 with a CD 14 O, typically. No Peak on the monitor. My temps have been all sorts of crazy since I started temping this cycle (CD 8). Usually my pre-O temps are down around 97.5...but the last few days they've been around 97.7, with CD 8 even being 97.9.

Yes, I think I started coming down with a cold last Sunday (CD 7) and I know sickness can affect temps and O date, but damn. We had a plan. LOL Even as I type that, I laugh at myself. I guess I just keep learning that it's not about OUR plan...it's about God's plan. *sigh* I thought I was coming closer to coming to terms with that, but I'm not sure that's true. I'm a work in progress, I suppose.

So now it's just a waiting game. The plan was to BD only the day after the first Peak, but now I'm thinking maybe we should BD every other day until we get the Peak. Plus I've heard quite a few stories about conceiving with a cold b/c it enhances the CM (Enhances? Did I really just use that work about cervical mucus?????).

---------------
ETA:

I had forgotten to mention that my CP (cervical position) was all over the place and definitely pretty low yesterday, making me think that maybe I'm not going to O. Well, today it's definitely high--to the point where I had a hard time finding it. So I guess O is probably on its way. Now just to figure out if it'll come tomorrow or Monday...always a guessing game. :D

It might be working :)

All these drugs and supplements and everything might finally be working :) No real further details needed--just the relief of knowing that is really comforting.

And I got a High on the monitor on Monday, which was totally unexpected. But oh well--I assume I'll still get a Peak on Saturday. Maybe we'll BD tonight and Friday and just abstain on the day of the Peak so we get a good shot on O day. :D I'm not sure it matters, but what the hell...we've got to try something!!!

Feelings

I'm at the ILs right now. I always have lots of mixed feelings being here and this trip is no different. I don't know that I will ever get used to the dynamic of this family. I'm an only child and very used to being the center of attention, but I don't think that's all of it. It's honestly the feeling like I don't matter and I don't know if it's because I'm just the DIL or if it's because I'm married to the "pleaser" of the family. Either way, it hurts my feelings. MIL makes breakfast for everyone else. I don't like what she makes every time (it's always the same thing), so I typically go hungry until someone points out that I don't like it. Then MIL offers to make something...but after me being part of this famiy for 7 years, don't you think she'd notice that I don't like something (yes, I can get off my ass and make something myself, but there's nothing here that I'd prefer to eat--I suppose next time I need to bring my lite bread, spray butter, etc.--if she were making it, I would eat it even if it were healthy, but if I have to make it myself, I'm not making myself something completely unhealthy, knowing we're eating like crap for the remainder of the day)? I'm sure it's hard pleasing now 6 kids (three brothers with three significant others), but there are only 4 of us around most of the time, plus my niece. Of course, though, the niece comes first. When she's sleeping, we all have to be quiet. But when we're sleeping, of course she can run wild. MIL got woken up this morning at 6 by the dog. Her own damn dog. And she's bitching about it. But the niece wakes DH and me up well before I'd like to be up, haven't said a damn thing, but I'm exhausted. We're not doing this during Christmas. If this is the way it's going to be we'll either get a hotel or we'll not come up until Christmas Eve. I'm putting my foot down--I will NOT be this exhausted during my week off. It's not like we get a whole 2 weeks off (like BIL and SIL....). No, the only time we get off will be spent away from our home and I refuse to be exhausted when we get back to work because we didn't get any sleep.

Then add to all this frustration my own frustration with our inability to get pg (I'm having a hard time even writing the word right now). I look at my niece and adore her to pieces, but she's not my own. I imagined that we would be very pg by this point and the MIL would give a shit about me for once because I would be giving her another grandchild, but no...I'm still sleeping in the basement, listening to the kid scream and stomp above me.

There are so many things I wonder about the future and being here. When (yes....WHEN) I'm pg, will I get treated like the princess my SIL did? Will I get a good bed, without the sogginess, at a normal temperature, without a child running around above me? Will I ever get to eat things I like to eat? When we have a child, will they be loved as much as my niece? What happens when both kids are here? How will MIL choose? (I have a feeling I know the answer to this one)

Ah well, I suppose I should go act sociable, even though I'm exhausted and moody and grumpy and just want to go back to sleep (and yes, this is my excuse for sounding like a spoiled little brat--I'm honestly not sure I want to publish this post and have everyone know how whiny I'm being...but oh well--I have to get it out and it seems silly to write an entire post and not publish it).