To continue the good vibes...

Today is cycle day one. Yup, AF showed today. I am tempted to be brought down and depressed by this, so, once again, going to make a list about why this is good.

1) I can take the Diflucan I was prescribed since now I know I'm not pg. I've been shooting the crotch cream (yup, that's what I call it) for 3 days now, but I don't have to deal with it anymore because I can just take the single pill and have it all cleared up. Woot.

2) I can finally shop for a dress for DH's cousin's wedding. I've been putting it off because, hell, I could have been 4 months pg at the wedding if we'd gotten pg on the first shot (boy, how optimistic was I?). Even during this last cycle I didn't want to buy anything in case I had a crazy amount of bloat going on by 8 weeks. So if, by the grace of God, this cycle works, we will find out approximately the day before we leave (AF is due the day we leave town). What a depressing or exciting day that could be. I wouldn't think I'd be so bloated by then that I couldn't wear a cute new dress (or even one I find in my closet that fits again!).

3) I can get below 200 before getting pg! I hit 202.4 last night at WW, so if I work hard, I think I can get in the 100s by the end of the month!

4) I can continue my experimental drinking of wine. I LOVE Moscato wine (thanks, S!). It's definitely a dessert wine--SO sweet! I was nervous about drinking wine while trying to lose weight, but found that one glass (5 oz.) is only 2 points! I can typically spare 2 points in a given day and since I was still able to lose this week, I don't think it sabotaged me. So I'm going to try to drink more of it--I love it and after a long day, it's a great treat!

5) I can try to relax. If I were pg, I'd be worried all darn month that I was m/cing. So maybe I don't need to start that stress yet. I can just try to relax and enjoy this next month of spending time with DH.
So there, AF. I'm glad (???) you're here. Can't ruin my day with your silly cramps and stupid bleeding. Ha.

Changing my way of thinking

I wanted to log into blogger and post a blog bitching about some recent health issues that keep perpetuating themselves...and causing me to be sick (of some sort) for 3 weeks now. But by the time I got here, I realized that no one needs or wants to read that. And, well, shit happens, Allison...so suck it up.

So I am going to write a post about some things that make me happy right now:

1) A friend of mine offered to design my landscaping--for free (although I might babysit her little one sometime or something...)! I hope she understands the undertaking this is going to be--I know NOTHING about gardening and our flower beds are currently overridden with weeds. Ick! But I'm really excited to be getting that kick in the butt that I apparently need to get something done outside.

2) I get some time to myself this evening. I LOVE having DH around and spending time with him, but I'm actually looking forward to spending just a couple of hours doing my own thing (which I could totally do with him home). I think I'm going to put together a board we can hang near our kitchen where we can put pictures, invitation, etc. I doubt it will get done tonight (will probably need tools I don't know how to use), but I'm going to at least start it!

3) We're making plans to go to a Cleveland Browns game this fall with DH's whole family and I am SO excited! Just need to talk to BIL and SIL tonight (will see SIL at WW) to see if they're interested. Right now it's MIL, FIL, younger BIL (+1--maybe his GF, maybe a friend?), DH and me. Hopefully BIL and SIL will want to come. Tickets go on sale on Saturday morning at 10, so we'll be ordering them then!

4) DH and I are keeping up on the laundry that we started last weekend and I've been able to purge a BUNCH of clothes. I'm really proud of myself. Now just need to find a good cause to send them to.

5) I put on a formal dress last weekend that I hadn't worn since college--and I looked hot!!! lol

6) We're going to work on decorating our bedroom soon. It's already painted and has new furniture, but it needs something on the walls, so I'm going to print and frame some photos I took in NYC. I edited them last night with Photoshop, just to crop them a bit and spice them up a bit:

I think they look almost professional--a big feat for me!

See, just thinking about those things have made me feel better! Sometimes you just need to.....Accentuate the Positive!!!

Oh, and just for good measure...a picture of my beautiful niece, who always makes me smile.

Just tell me when

I've realized recently that BDing, for me, is a lot like eating. I have a hard time knowing when I'm actually hungry and when I'm just bored, at least until I'm totally famished. I also don't really seem to be "hungry" for BDing, so the only time it happens is when it's FWaP. I blamed my lack of a sex drive on the pill, but it's seeming like that wasn't the case because I still have very little interest (sad for DH, I know).

So I have WW that tells me how much I need to eat in a day. It scares the shit out of me that I won't know how much to eat when I'm pg--I'm just supposed to listen to my body. Yeah, I overeat when I do that.

And now we're TTC--so I know when we're supposed to BD. Unfortunately, I have very little interest outside of that time, which just royally sucks. I'd rather snuggle than BD, hands down, every night. I know that that's not necessarily good--a wife is supposed to want to have sex with her husband. It's not DH, it's absolutely me. I suppose I should make a better effort and maybe I'd want to more often. We'll see.

Shutting down

A couple of you know that I used to have anorexic tendencies. I was never officially diagnosed, but I didn't eat for a lot of my junior and senior years of high school. Whenever I was faced with a situation where I had no food choices--it was either eat unhealthy stuff or go hungry--I chose to go hungry. So I see those tendencies creeping back in and I'm not exactly sure how to fight them. I try to make situations so I can control them, but there's not much I can control when we're here. Therefore, I tend to shut down. It's easier for me to not eat at all than to just have a couple of chips or just one cookie, especially in an already stressful situation. Once I start, I have a hard time stopping.

I'm working on it. I believe just being aware of it has to be good for something. But I'm a work in progress.

No, I didn't lose 70 pounds at all by not eating--I always eat now. But when in situations where I don't have a healthy choice, it's hard for me to let my guard down a little and try portion control with unhealthy stuff, especially when I don't have any idea what the nutritional value of stuff is (and when I'm in a situation where everyone is eating everything in sight).

Can I cry?

I fully believe we're onto cycle #4 at this point--I've started spotting today, right on schedule. I know many of you are thinking "don't give up hope just yet--lots of people spot and are pg", but I really feel like I know my body at this point, and this is the beginning of the end.

So I'm sad. Rightfully so, I think. Like I always say--I know other people take much longer than this to get pg, but it doesn't change the fact that it makes me sad that it didn't work this time.

Also weighed myself on the ILs' scale--gained 2 pounds from yesterday morning. I'm sure it's bloat, but after all the crap I ate yesterday (I tried...but when all you have for dinner is 2 FF hot dogs and there are no healthy choices in the house, chips and dip and cookies sound pretty damn good), I just feel guilty. So when I told DH that I think the cycle is over, he tries to be all upbeat and says "well, at least you can focus on your other goal now". I respond with "I've gained 2 pounds in one day". So he gets frustrated and walks away.

Am I not allowed to be upset? Can I not cry and think about this for 15 damn minutes? We've been at his parents' house for a couple of days and I haven't been able to think about this cycle the entire time but they're gone for an hour or so--can't I take advantage of this time to be upset? I promise I'll do my best to be normal by the time they come back, but I need this time right now.

In an hour we need to leave to go to lunch at his grandma's house....spaghetti. Joy. No way to get healthy around that. So it looks like I'll just eat a tiny bit and be hungry, unless there are other options there.

Oh, and for those wondering, I'm still going to POAS tomorrow--I can't help it. But I'm not going to spend forever trying to find a line.

Standing up for myself

I have a really hard time standing up for myself when it comes to food and my ILs. They know I'm trying to eat more healthy and they have thought about that. For instance, my MIL got me some FF Ranch dressing for our salads the other night, which was so nice!

However, I also don't like picnic foods. None of them. I'll eat the meat, but no macaroni salad, pasta salad, potato salad, deviled eggs, baked beans, melon...so the only other option is potato chips, which I have cut out of my diet. Yeah, so we've had picnic foods for dinner both last night and tonight. Last night it was nice--they got chicken to grill, salad, tomatoes, and corn on the cob. No worries--I eat all that. Well, tonight we're having....brats (yum, but SO fatty...), hot dogs, baked beans, chips & dip, watermelon, and macaroni salad. So I asked if I could make some cookies. So I'll be eating hot dogs and my cookies. I have NEVER liked picnic foods, but have they ever noticed that? Of course not. 6 1/2 years around this family and they've never thought about it.

The problem is that I have a hard time standing up for myself and asking for stuff that I can eat (besides making the dessert...hey, I'm trying). I guess I just figure that it isn't important enough that they would remember so why would they change their menu for me? I just wonder when they'll notice that I eat nothing but the meat. Eh, probably never.

You might be wondering where DH is through all this? Yeah, he asks me wtf else you're supposed to eat at a picnic. Helpful, dear. Thanks. We cook out at our house all the time and I have no problems. So he's no help and doesn't say anything. Ugh. So eating around here is pretty miserable.

9 DPO and I'm obsessing

Yup, I spoke too soon when I said the 2WW was going smoothly and I hadn't been thinking about it too much. I've been feeling nauseous off and on for the last couple of days and have had some cramping recently. I've got to think it's PMS-cramping, but of course I wonder. Ugh. Will definitely be testing Monday morning--I can't wait any longer than that!!!

A weird place

I realized last night how odd of a place I'm at in my life. I'm trying very hard to lose weight (last night I got great news--I'm over 70 pounds overall and lost 25 with WW, which means I passed my 10% goal as well with WW) but I'm also trying very hard to get pg. I suppose it's good in the sense that AF can show and I can say "well, at least I have another 4 weeks to get my weight under 200 pounds". But it just seems weird. Like I'm in a race or something--which will win, the weight loss goal or the goal to be a mommy?

Slacker

Yup, I'm a slacker.

But there's a sort of good reason I haven't been blogging as much. I've been trying not to think about whether we're pg or not. I've been focusing on other things in my life and trying to... *gasp* relax. :) Yes, I'm in the 2ww...and I'm actually doing okay.

Yes, I'm anxious. Yes, I'm ready for next Monday (11 DPO--the date I'm forcing myself to wait for to test) to come. But until then, I'm going to be relaxing and maybe doing some small traveling.

I'm just excited the holiday weekend is upon us. That means sleeping in and doing a whole lot of nothing, if you ask me!!!

Hope everyone has a safe and happy Fourth of July!!

Facing the past

I am really starting to stress out about this weekend. This Saturday is my 10-year class reunion and I'm beginning to think about bailing on it. I don't know why I felt the need to see all these people again. The last time I saw them, I wasn't eating and was 150 pounds. Look at the ticker. While I know I'm doing GREAT, these people didn't see me at 274. They last saw me at 150. So while I'm living in the world of having lost 66 pounds, they'll look at me and see that I've gained 55. *sigh* I know a lot of people say that most won't be judgmental, but it doesn't matter much to me. It still stresses me out.

And then there's the fact that I'll get to have that horribly awkward interaction with my HS sweetheart. The way that relationship ended sucked and I still really regret everything that happened with him and miss him. No, not in the way that I would want to be with him again...but sometimes I think that if I hadn't cheated we would've ended up going to this reunion together. We were good together. Most people would tell me that I would've have cheated if there wasn't something wrong. That may be true, but even now, 9 years later, I can't come up with a real reason why I cheated besides the fact that he was far away. He was at a different university, minding his own business, doing his thing, staying faithful...and I wasn't. It was probably b/c of my low self-esteem, not that that's a real excuse. The thing we didn't have in common was my involvement in music--he was an athlete...and I cheated with someone who shared in my musicianship. So maybe that was it? I don't know...but I've kept up on him through Facebook and MySpace. He seems happy and I'm truly happy for him. I'm happy in my life, he's happy in his. So why should I see him again? Why even put myself (and my DH) through that stress? I'm still bouncing that thought around--do I really want to go to this? Why spend the $50 to go and be slightly miserable? My friends H and L will be there, but H has other friends she'll hang out with. Which will leave me and L. It'll be weird. And awkward. And unnecessarily stressful. So why am I doing this?

Two years ago today

we were married! Today is our 2nd anniversary and it actually hasn't been horrible. Yes, we're both sick, but because of being sick, we've spent the day together! No great plans, which is fine with me. We'll plan on going out to dinner somewhere nice to celebrate once we're feeling better, but for now we're sitting around playing Wii games and having Bob Evans for dinner (and Subway for lunch). lol

The past two years have been great and I can only imagine what the future will bring for us!

On a MAB note, I think I'm going to get a peak on the CBEFM tomorrow morning, so we'll definitely be trying tonight. Wouldn't it be neat to know we conceived on our anniversary? Of course, then there's the realization that our child would have about 13 years down the road...wait...9 months before my birthday is...my parents' anniversary?!??!! lol Oh well, s/he'll survive!!!

Who is this couple?

DH and I do NOT spend money on a whim. We're typically very conservative about it. Well, yesterday we went to Best Buy to pick up MarioKart for Wii (a planned purchase...I just happened to find it available) and ended up spending an extra $170 on Rock Band for Wii! We were told we could return it within 30 days and figured if we left it there, we'd never find it if we wanted it. So we now have lots of new Wii games within just a few days... We also got Wii Fit on Saturday! Oh well--we have the money...just wasn't particularly budgeted. We looked at each other and said "happy anniversary". It's the cotton anniversary...I can't come up with a way to make this fit the tradition, but oh well--I think I'd rather buy something for us that we'd both enjoy than try to buy something for each other. As a side note....we are LOVING all of our new games! They've been great to keep us occupied while we've been home sick.

Sick and sore

And no, neither of these is a result of MAB!

DH has had a cold since last Sunday and I started coming down with it on Friday--as of today, it's officially here. I feel pretty crappy, but actually better right now than yesterday when everything was just running down my throat. I'm still headed home from work once this training is over to get some rest.

And the soreness is because of the moving on Saturday. We helped friends move from their THIRD story apartment into their new house and my legs currently hurt worse than I think they ever have! Ugh. I'm pathetic-looking...can't even go up and down curbs without wincing.

Both of these may hinder the efforts to MAB, but we're still going to give it the old college try. ;)

Illness

I'm a person who HATES to be sick. Hate it. Maybe because I've had allergies all my life (so it seems...guess it's only been 22 or so years of my life....), but I hate blowing my nose, coughing, snotting, etc. So when DH said his throat was getting scratchy on Saturday, I tried to do what I could to make sure we didn't get sick. We didn't sleep quite as much as we should have, but I thought we did a fairly good job. Well, I guess not because he got sick. He's been home sick this whole week so far. Yesterday one of his eyes got really red and got me really concerned, so I sent him to the doctor today. He was diagnosed with viral pink eye that could turn bacterial, so they prescribed him an antibiotic that he can take if his eye starts to produce pus. So, knowing how contagious pink eye is, I'm planning on washing down every single thing in our house--twice! Ugh. His eye looks better today, so I'm hoping it's clearing itself up and doesn't start to pus. If it does.....ugh....bad news.

Have I mentioned that we're helping friends move this weekend? Yeah, bad time to be sick. So I'm REALLY hoping not to get sick (of any kind--DH has a cold AND pink eye!) before then. I'll be chugging the Airborne and getting tons of sleep just in case!!!!

Oh, and I forgot to mention what a kink this throws in our MAB plans. I got a High reading on the CPEFM this morning, which means I could O anytime in the next few days (which I doubt...it'll probably be more like 7 or 8 days!)...which means we need to get to BDing! Right, with him coughing in my face??!??!!

Exercise

Whenever I exercise, I go full throttle. I have a hard time not doing at least 45 minutes of cardio plus about an hour of lifting and I would go 5 days a week. But every time I jump into that, my weight loss stalls. So I'm trying to start slow. Last Wednesday night I told my WW leader that I was setting a goal to take a 1/2 hour walk every night that week. I walked Wednesday through Friday evenings, then didn't walk on Saturday (but we did work on the deck). Then I took a 1/2 hour bike ride with my mom on Sunday (which DH is letting me count as a walk). I went out last night and took a 30 minute walk by myself and will probably do the same tonight. That will make 6 of 7! Woohoo! To help inspire me, DH has given me a coupon booklet for a free massage if I take walks 6 of 7 nights Sunday through Saturday, too. So hopefully this will be the start of some motivation to get active (but not too active)! As long as I don't see a gain this Wednesday, I'll keep going, too. :D

Sorting through the schedule

Just have a lot to do in the next few weeks, so I need to sort through what and when, exactly, it's all happening...bear with me.

Tonight (CD 6): Scrapping date with a friend. Should be fun! Of course, I have nothing organized yet...but I'll come up with something to do! Must get DH off the couch (he's been home sick today and yesterday)

Tomorrow (CD 7): A.M. training. WW meeting in evening. DH wants to get yardwork done sometime--I'm guessing it'll be tomorrow night unless he's still feeling yucky.

Thursday (CD 8): Nothing particularly interesting during the day, but volunteering in the evening. Might need to pull things together for the weekend, depending on when DH wants to leave (He isn't sure if he wants to spend the night with a cat Friday night before we get up Saturday to move the friends. We didn't know when we agreed to go up Friday night that they have a cat. He's allergic and his allergies aren't a mere inconvenience. For him it means a pretty severe, constant asthma attack.)

Friday (CD 9): Performing my first training on the new system! Scary, but exciting at the same time. I'll have backup, which is good. And I already know the trainees, which is really good. Friday afternoon I'll be sitting through a training. In the morning DH is going to get allergy testing done. Then that evening we'll either be taking it easy and going to bed early or driving straight up from C-bus to Akron directly from work.

Saturday (CD 10): Maybe start BDing, just for the heck of it, in the morning. We'll see. ;) Only if we're still in C-bus, though. If we are, we'll be driving to Akron very early. Helping friends move all day long, then spending the night with them.

Sunday (CD 11): Driving back from Cleveland (where they're moving TO) and just relaxing to prep for the week ahead. Oh, and BD probably. :)

Monday (CD 12): Training in the morning. Not sure about the rest of the day.

Tuesday (CD 13): Our 2nd anniversary! Definitely BDing... :) Training in the afternoon.

Wednesday (CD 14): Training all flipping day. Ugh. Then book club that night! Woot! I'm always excited for book club. Must find energy & time for BDing. Will run and weigh-in right before I head to book club (so happy it's on my side of town this month!).

Thursday (CD 15): Anticipated O day. Finally get to see a part of the new system that I haven't seen yet. That should be a good day! Then training during the afternoon. Definitely BD.

Friday (CD 16): Training in morning. Maybe I'll take off the afternoon? Driving down to my parents' house that night and hanging out with my cousin and her DH.

Saturday (CD 17): My 10-year HS reunion. Oh crap--I need to put the check for that in the mail! Will do that tonight. Anyway, I imagine I'll spend the day with the parents then go to the reunion that night. Should be stressful.

Sunday (CD 18): Nada. Will head back home early afternoon to get settled in for another week.

Monday (CD 19): Training all flipping day again. Nothing in the evening.

Tuesday (CD 20): Afternoon training.

Wednesday (CD 21): WW in the evening, no SIL.

Thursday (CD 22): Volunteering

Friday-Sunday (CD 23-25): No work! Woot! DH and I will have to find something to do for the holiday weekend. We normally go to my parents' house, but since my dad will be gone for the weekend, I may suggest we go to his parents' house. Must avoid temptation to test.

Monday (CD 26): Nada. Maybe a painful meeting. May test. May not.

Tuesday (CD 27): Training in the afternoon. Again, may test, may not.

Wednesday (CD 28): Morning training. WW in evening. Definitely will test if AF isn't here by then.

----

The whole purpose of this exercise is to point out that I have very little planned during the 2ww, which is pretty frustrating. As much as I'm not horribly excited about being so busy in the next two weeks, at least being busy means I'm not focusing on MAB (making a baby...my own new acronym). *sigh* Note to self--must make plans for the weeks of June 30th and July 6th!!!

Planning

I'm so tired of being in my head right now. There are so many things I want to do "when I get pregnant" and I can't wait for that day to come! I think about how to tell our families...when to tell everyone else...all the planned events we have coming up and how far along I might be for them...how I want to start a new blog that will be more for our family and friends to keep them updated on the pregnancy (and not be quite so honest as I plan on keeping this one)...but there's one problem--I'm not pregnant! I mean, I'm still okay with not being pregnant, but I'm just tired of thinking about things I want to do once I am!

This time next week we'll be BDing our little hearts out, I think.

Started the CPEFM this morning since today is CD 6. POAS, inserted it, and it told me Low. Fine and dandy with me. I expect to keep getting Low until maybe next Tuesday or so. The booklet warns that I might get a High reading earlier than normal with it, but I would guess it won't be too terribly early. But we'll see. Once we get the High we'll start BDing, though! Of course, this is complicated by a couple of things: 1) DH is sick right now. I don't want to get it if it's a cold. If it's allergies we need to figure out what meds will help, but if it's a cold, I hope he gets over it soon and 2) We're helping friends move this weekend. It's going to be exhausting and even more so if I get the possible cold DH has. Bodies will be a little sore for BDing, but you'd better bet we'll still do it! (haha)

Lots of things going on in the next few weeks for us...will devote the next post to that--stay tuned!

Moving forward

CD 1 of cycle #3.

And, surprisingly, I'm fine. I kind of just "knew" that last cycle wasn't it.

So new tactics (sort of) for this cycle. Starting using the CBEFM. Going to buy sticks for it tonight. Also think we'll invest in some PreSeed, which will simulate fertile CM, which I seem to be lacking.

Not sure if I'm going to continue to temp. It's sort of become an addiction for me, as I've been doing it for 6 cycles now and I find it really interesting how the temps act based on the time of the month. So I probably will--I can't really resist.

Going to try to relax more during the 2ww this cycle. That might mean finding extra stuff to do, even. Our weekends are really full. I'll probably O around June 25th or 26th (our anniversary is June 24th!), which means we'll be BDing starting Saturday or Sunday before (while we're helping friends move....). So from about the 26th or 27th on I want to keep myself busy. The weekend of the 27th we're going to my hometown for my 10 year class reunion. But that next week might be a little bit of hell for me, trying to keep busy, knowing it's a short week (we're out of work for the 4th on Friday).

I've set my goal to get below 200 pounds before July 4th. I really don't know if it's possible since that's less than a month away to lose 9 pounds. The way I've been losing I don't think I can do it, but I'm sure as hell going to try! I've been strict with my eating and will continue to do so, but haven't been exercising. I have a hard time taking it easy with the exercising--I typically either have to work out daily for 1-2 hours or I don't work out at all. But when I start suddenly working out that hard my body sort of freaks out and holds onto the pounds for weeks or months at a time. When I don't lose for a large amount of time, I have a hard time keeping up the exercise, especially with the heat of summer bearing down upon me. So I guess I just need to find something small that I can commit to. I'd love to commit to walking every night with DH for at least a half an hour. Wonder if I can get him to commit to that. We can start tonight. We'll get home from work around 4:30, fix our WW Chicken & Pineapple Stew for dinner, I'll head to my WW meeting at 6:25, go to CVS after WW at 7:30, get home around 8:30, go out for a walk, be ready for bed at 9:00. lol Guess that doesn't leave much time for actually getting stuff done around the house, does it? Oh well, there's always Friday night...lol And maybe we could take the niece for a walk tomorrow evening when we babysit?

Okay, I'm officially babbling. But I'm excited to make a plan--I want to commit to it. I'm posting it here so maybe someone out there in blogland will hold me accountable.

I need more to read

Okay really, people...those of you with blogs...I need more to read, so y'all need to get writing!

Of course, this call isn't going to do much today since I doubt most people are going to write something up and publish it before 4. And then tomorrow and Thursday and busy days, so I won't have as much time to read...so, really, I just need something to read right now. :)

Failure

I hold myself to really high standards most of the time and have a hard time accepting failure on my own part. I'm really disappointed and feel like there's something that I could and should have done better to allow us to get pg this month. Should I be miserable for the next few months and discontinue my Zyrtec D so that I actually have some CM? Should I have started eating the pineapple earlier? Should I have done a better job keeping my tummy warm?

I could sit and second-guess myself all damn day, but at the end of it all, I'll have the same result. I'm not pg and I need to pick my ass up and just move on. So that's what I'm going to do, starting now.

This morning I weighed myself in the basement, as I usually do. This is the same scale that read 274 back in the spring of 2005. And this morning I actually saw 208 on it. The lowest I'd seen before was 210. (the ticker in my blog is tracking my WW weight) So this has given me newfound hope that maybe, just maybe, I could get below 200 before getting pg. So I'm going to work even harder now. Of course, if I could just find the Wii Fit, it might help :)

And a friend gave me her CPEFM to try this cycle--I need to go out and get the sticks and read the booklet so I know what to do. I haven't decided yet if I want to stop temping for the month or not. I actually really enjoy seeing the temps and what they do...but temping can be a hassle on the weekends and when we're away from home.

Also going to buy some PreSeed. It's the only sperm-friendly lubricant out there. I'm not generating much CM, so I'm hoping it will help replace it. If it doesn't work this cycle, I might seriously consider discontinuing my Zyrtec D for awhile. The PreSeed is sold at a pharmacy near us, so I think I/we will drive down there sometime in the next few days to price it. If it's cheaper online, I'll just buy it online and have it shipped.

And other than that, I'm going to do my best to relax. Even though I know so many people say stupid shit like "all she had to do was relax and she got pregnant" and I know it's not really true...for my own sanity, I have to try to relax and refocus. This cycle was a little crazy for me and I don't know if I want to experience one like this again!

Nervous

Posting what I might have seen this morning makes it too real--a reality I'm not sure I want to believe in just yet because of the impending consequences--increased hope, etc. So I'm not posting it. But I might be posting something good tomorrow--at least I hope to. And if not, you know I'll be here, posting the bad stuff--lamenting, crying, whining.

Cross-eyed and sad

Just spent 3 minutes staring at the stupid stick, willing a line to appear. I thought I saw one...definitely a figment of my imagination, as each time I would see it, it would be in a different place. So yeah. BFFN.

Of course, I would be losing hope right now (especially since I'm feeling a little bit crampy) if it weren't for my friend, S. She didn't get her BFP until 13 dpo. So I suppose there's still hope. Not much, though. Now I just wish AF would come so we can move onto cycle #3.

Disclaimer: Yes, I realize 3 cycle is still WELL within the normal range. And yes, I am well aware that there are MANY people to take longer than that. I had a lot of people who told me they were sure it would take us no time to get pg....and I sort of held onto that, apparently. So I'm sad. And while I know I am allowed to be sad, I feel bad for being sad since I know many, many women who waited much longer for a BFP.

They're heeeeerrrrreeee.....

I got the tests in the mail today. When I first got them, all I could think about was POAS. But right now I don't really want the disappointment of a BFN. So maybe I'll wait until Sunday. We'll see. I'll keep you posted.

All I can think to say right now is THANK GOODNESS IT'S THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!! Woot!

Dose of reality

Just looked at a ton of triphasic charts that were BFN. Made me a little sad and gave me a horrible feeling in my gut. But at least it's reality. It may very well be the case for this month for us. But oh well--trying not to get excited but trying not to bring my hopes down too much. We'll see, I suppose. The waiting game just sucks. Tested this morning at 8 dpo and it was BFN. Of course, I figured it would be--it's pretty rare to get a BFP this early. So I'll test again tomorrow...and again the next day...and again the next...until AF shows her ugly red head.

But until then I still need something to take my mind off the 2ww. Work just isn't doing it for me today. I suppose I should try harder, though.

So happy for a friend!

A friend of mine just announced her BFP! I can't even express how happy I am for her. I jumped up and down in the kitchen just squealing when I read it. DH thought I was a nut, but I was SO hoping it was her month! Congrats, T & C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fudging Temps?

I don't even know what's going on with my temps these days. I posted yesterday about my possible thermal shift from 98.0 to 98.4 between Tuesday and Wednesday. Well, this morning, I woke up (sort of) and put the thermometer in my mouth. When it beeped, I took it out of my mouth and looked at it--98.06. Hmmm...well, sometimes when temping my mouth falls open and the temp is lower than it should be. So I retook it, just in case. I hadn't moved besides putting my arm out to hit the snooze bar. Second time it was 98.41. Just because I'm neurotic, I then felt I should check it a third time, to see which was the fluke. 98.40. So I laid there awhile longer (my alarm goes off before DH's but he gets into the shower first) and took it again, just to see. 98.42. Well, it's consistently higher. Is that because I'm awake now? Or was that first one actually faulty? So I wait about 5 minutes, thinking that if it's b/c I'm actually awake, it'll go up even more. 98.49. So it went up a bit more. DH came out of the shower and asked how many times I was going to take my temp. I held up 5 fingers. Then temped for a sixth time. 98.46. Yes, I'm neurotic. And still a bit unsure. I recorded 98.41 because, honestly, that's what I want it to be because I'm seeing a triphasic chart, which could suggest pregnancy. But who knows what my true temp this morning is.

See, this is part of the problem of being based in science. I have become my own little experiment. Ugh.

7 dpo today. If I had my tests that I ordered, I theoretically *could* see a BFP today. But I'm sure I wouldn't anyway. Hope they come in the mail tomorrow so I can test on Saturday morning. That would be 9 dpo. Of course, I could start spotting any day now, really. So who knows?!??!

Our stupid fight

DH and I don't fight or argue much, but the other night it wasn't particularly pretty.

I had just made us a black bean pizza (SO yummy) and took it out of the oven and we were preparing to cut it and serve it. DH turned to me and asked "what kind of spice do we put it on it to spice it up?" And I snapped.

It seems that no matter what I cook, DH has to alter it in some way. It's just not good enough the way I cook it. I'm sure part of that is my own insecurities, but it frustrates me. Have I ever said anything to him in a calm, rational matter? Of course not--I honestly didn't think it frustrated me *that* much. But that night, it did. So I snapped at him and dropped a few f-bombs and he got upset and asked if I really felt like he was insulting my cooking by putting extra spices on everything and I told him yes and he, like a petulant child, said he'd never add spice to my cooking again. We sat in silence for a few minutes, then had a normal conversation about whatever was on TV and all was ok again.

Now I know I overreacted. And really, it all blows over just fine with us when we do argue, so it's not something I need to dwell on, but I started thinking about it again this morning. I know DH likes his food spicier than I do. So if we're having something that is otherwise spicy (chili...pretty much anything Mexican), it's okay that he adds something spicy to just "kick it up a notch". But when we're having something that has specific amounts of foods and things...and still insists on adding things to it without even trying it, it makes me feel like he assumes nothing I make could be good enough for him. And that sucks. I think I'll try my best to explain this to him sometime soon, just so he can see where I'm coming from, to avoid future arguments like that.

And I was worried...

Apparently this is what I get for being distracted this week from my weight loss and focusing more on making a baby. Take a look at that ticker over there to the right. That's right, I lost 2 pounds this week according to WW! Of course, my scales at home disagree, but who am I to argue with the WW scales??? hehe I attribute the loss to doing really well during the week (even at book club AND a work picnic last week!) and being pretty active this weekend, even though I ate pretty crappy. Still made the best choices I could when I had a choice, so I probably didn't eat my 35 flex points for the week, but I'm not sure. This weekend I'm going to try to keep active as well. I'm hoping to get a Wii Fit sometime soon, too. ;)

Of course, then there's the thought that I might actually be/get pg. I already have phantom pg symptoms....I've been nauseous since about 3 p.m. today. Ugh. I'm just going to wait until I get the tests and then I'll test and (hopefully) then I'll know. And if I were to be pg this cycle, I will need to figure out how the hell to eat. I think I should be eating more when pg, but I don't really know how to eat more while being healthy and conscious of what I'm putting into my body.

Oh well--will stress about that when/if the time comes.

I figured out tonight that if we don't get pg this month, we'll be BDing the week after helping friends move and before my 10 year reunion. Which means we'll probably either need to BD at a friend's house (ick) or at my parent's house (double ick). But we'll do whatever we've got to do! Then if we don't get pg THAT cycle, we'll be testing for cycle #4 around the time we head out to St. Louis for a wedding, assuming my cycles are all 28 days. Now that's forward-thinking for you. Or obsessing. Something.

Earlier tonight I was having a total MPD moment. Neurotic Allison would be saying "What if we missed my O? What if this thermal shift today is my actual O? What if we BD for 4 nights straight for nothing? What if something is wrong with me that is causing me to get a bunch of +OPKs?" Then calm, rational Allison says "If those things are true...we'll try again next cycle. And that's it. It's not the end of the world. Just no baby this month and I have more time to lose weight and possibly get below 200." Pessimistic Allison then chimes in "We'll probably never get pg. Lots of people were sure we'd have an easy go of it, but I'm sure that's not going to happen. My CM sucks and about the only thing I can do is go off my allergy medicine and hope that it gets better...but I'm sure it won't." And so on and so forth.....

Finally!

I put in an email to our wedding photographer last night...we're FINALLY going to get together this weekend to put together our wedding album! It's almost been 2 years and I think it's high time we get it done. So DH and I need to sit down over the next few days and pull out our favorite 60-70 pics to be put into the album.

I also realized that I don't think our attendants have pictures of themselves from the wedding...so I might start getting prints (or even just going through prints I already have!) and sending them out to our friends and family. We'll see how motivated we get. DH wants to give me a project so I can get my mind off baby-making for a little bit, so he suggested I work on scrapbooking. I will start organizing it, but I might wait for a friend to get back from OOT before I put too much together. She wants to have a scrapbooking date and we haven't been able to set one for awhile!!! So S., let me know if you're interested!! :)

Obsessing. Day #239723598

At least it feels like I've been obsessing for that long....it's exhausting!

Took my temp this morning after a rough night of sleep because of storms. Up to 98.40 from around 98.0. A second thermal shift? Interesting. I got online and looked for information on a second shift and found info on triphasic charts. Apparently part of the time it means pregnancy. Interesting. So, of course, now I'm thinking about it. A lot.

It only means something if my temps stay high again tomorrow. If they drop, it was probably from the off and on sleeping. Of course, they could drop sometime in the next 3 or 4 days b/c of an implantation dip. Ugh! So many options that may or may not mean something.

Last night I was on early- pregnancy- tests.com and ordered 20 tests (at DH's request...I told him the options and that's what he chose!). Paid $16 for all of them. I'm hoping they ship today and get here sometime this weekend. They tout that they can detect pregnancy as early as 7 dpo, which is tomorrow for me. Of course, I won't POAS until I get the tests...but you'd better believe I will test as soon as I get them every morning until AF shows (which I'm guessing she will).

So yes, I'm still obsessing. And I think I need something new to obsess about. I'm going to dive into work for a little bit but will probably post again sometime today--hopefully about something else!!!

Must not think!

So as you know, I'm in the 2ww. It's my first full 2ww without major distraction since last month we were in NYC for part of it (and, well, I'm not really convinced I ovulated anyway). So now I can't stop thinking about being in the 2ww. I'm only at 5 dpo, which means I've got at least another week until either spotting or testing.

Knowing that my mind runs a mile a minute in every different direction, what the heck can I do to keep my mind off of it? I'm at work most of the day and, while at work, I can concentrate on work. Sort of. I work and while I'm working at least every hour or so I'm thinking about baby stuff. When I drive...thinking. Watching TV? Yup, you guessed it. So what that means is that I need something new to think about. Something that will take 100% of my brain power. I don't know if something like that exists.

What am I doing right now, besides writing this blog? Oh, I'm shopping for CBEFM (a fertility monitor) sticks since I'm convinced that this cycle didn't work. A friend has offered to give me her CPEFM (thanks!!!) and now I'm seeing how expensive the test strips are. Of course, I say I'm convinced that this cycle didn't work in my head. In my heart, though, I'm still hoping that this will be it. I'm still doing all I can (although that's not much at this point) to make this work. And I know I'll be really sad when AF shows up in a week. But then I'll want to have those test strips. And I'll want to have the Pre Seed...so we'll get it. DH says he wants to get it in hopes that we won't need it.

So now I'm blogging. Reading online. Working (of course). And trying not to think. But it doesn't work. I hope our baby, whenever we get one, knows how much they were wanted and loved, even before they were conceived.

Reflecting on the weekend

Eating this weekend was pretty awful. We went to New Riegel Friday night. I got a chicken breast and had a salad without dressing....but ate fries with it. Then Saturday we got pizza. Saturday for lunch I suggested Wendy's and wanted a grilled chicken sandwich. Guess who ended up with a Chicken Cordon Bleu? Ugh. So I peeled off the bacon and cheese and just ate the deep-fried chicken. And fries. Had cold cuts for lunch on Sunday, though, so that wasn't bad. And I actually stood up for myself and requested some baked chips as well as the greasy fried ones. I never would have done that in the past, so I'm really proud of myself. Just going to get back on the wagon today and try to be good all week and try to work in some walks.

As far as baby-making for the weekend, it was weird. Neither of us wanted to BD at the ILs and we were exhausted on Saturday night. I got some positive OPKs and some negative, so I'm totally confused about those. But my temps have stayed up since Friday, so that's a good sign that I did O on Thursday.

As for my temps, though, they're being weird. If I retake my temp one after the other, I get really different temps. I try to be consistent--put the thermometer in the same place in my mouth, keep mouth closed, stay in bed...but they're still sometimes all over the place. I think I need to stop doing that because then I just pick my favorite. lol

But we BDed for good measure last night. Who knows why, but it was okay :)

I'm tempted to go buy some PreSeed since I seem to be having some CM issues. I found a pharmacy close to my house that has it, so I wouldn't have to order it online. Just curious if it's actually cheaper to get online or in the store. I think I'll run down sometime this week.

So now I'm officially in the 2ww. It's going to be a long 10 more days, I have a feeling. No big plans between now and next week, so nothing to take my mind off it all--just counting down the days until I could conceivably test!

Prayer Request

One of our closest couple friends (good Lord, is that English?) is going through some really tough stuff right now. They've experienced tragedy two times over in the last month. So if you're the praying type, please send some prayers to S & R!

Stressed about this weekend

Yes, these posts are going to be within minutes of each other. When I'm not obsessing about my cycle, I'm worrying about weight loss. So I just have to get some other thoughts off my chest.

We're headed to the ILs this weekend, who have no idea what "eating healthy" is. It's obnoxious. They think only eating 4 handfuls of peanut M&Ms, rather than 6, is healthy. And yes, for them, that would be an improvement. However, for me, that doesn't help. So I plan. As I've always heard:

Failure to plan is planning to fail

I'm taking gallon-sized baggies of veggies with me so that when they start eating cookies and cakes and things, I can still munch, but on healthy things. I took veggies to my Book Club last night for the same purpose (these are actually leftovers from that). I'll be armed with my cauliflower, broccoli, and carrots.

But it doesn't stop with snacks. It seems every time we go there, we have Wilson's (hamburgers--NO healthy options), Jac and Do's (pizza), or New Riegel (BBQ--with sauce I don't like) for dinner. DH was eating some New Riegel leftovers the other night that his brother had given him and asked me something about eating it. I thought he was referring to the leftovers, but apparently he meant going there when we're at his parents' house tonight. Ugh. I don't like the sauce, there are NO healthy options (the salad is a bowl of iceberg with fatty dressings)...he should know that I wouldn't want to eat there. Then I'm the picky one when we're there b/c I want somewhere I can get something healthy. However, since we always go to the same place, I don't have a clue what they have to eat in town, but he and his parents always expect me to pick since I'm being picky. I don't know anything about food in that town! *sigh* So tonight I expect a silent battle between DH and me. He will want me to speak up and pick something for dinner, but I don't even really know what the options are besides those same three places. I will want him to pick somewhere where I can get something healthy. If he doesn't speak up, we'll end up having the fallback options. And his parents just don't get it.

So it'll be a struggle to say the least. So I'm doing what I can without a refrigerator (I would take yogurt, lite string cheese, etc. otherwise) and taking oatmeal and veggies with me. What a pain it is, but it's better than if I just ate what they wanted, didn't really enjoy it anyway, and gained 2 pounds! I'll keep my chin up, try to make the best choices I can when I have a choice, and just watch portions otherwise. It's all I feel I can do at this point.

Ah....being healthy in an environment where others aren't...what a pain. Why can't I be naturally skinny or just be happy being over 200 pounds??? lol Right.

Obsessed with the cycle

If it takes us many more months to get pg, I'm probably going to go crazy. (yes, it's only been a month and a half....and that makes me SO sad that I can't just relax...but I'm a control freak. I know I am. And I think I have an obsessive personality or something.) I have no idea how girls with TTTC do it. I just keep thinking about EVERYTHING. Of course, this was my fertile week (well, as fertile as I get, I guess!). I started using OPKs, which are supposed to tell you when you're getting an LH surge (the hormone that makes you ovulate), which should predict when you'll O. So I got negatives for awhile, but then went back to the stick after a few minutes and had a positive on Wednesday night. Woohoo! We had already BDed Monday and Tuesday nights, so we did again Wednesday night. Below is are pictures of my OPKs (the first has labels, the second I think has better light), for anyone who is interested...











Yes, I know they're huge. But I wanted you to see the labels I've attached. So I counted the one from 6:00 CD 14 as a positive...so we BD. :) Then with FMU CD 15, I definitely got a positive. But then yesterday after work, nada. Then a bit darker (you can't really see the dark front part of the line) late last night. Then this morning, another sort of positive... But yesterday morning my temp was 97.29 and this morning it was 97.91, which makes me think that I Oed yesterday. But a positive this morning doesn't seem right. So I'm confused. There's a link to my chart over in the sidebar. I tried tracking CM this month but because of my decongestant, I don't really have much. And I tried checking internally, but I'm not totally sure I was doing it right. So I don't know how much faith I'd put into the CM readings.


Worst part is that we're headed to the ILs tonight. I'd *really* rather not BD there, but we both know that we have to do what we have to do to make a baby! So I'm trying to figure out if I really did O or not yesterday and whether we could still have a chance. Ugh.

Must stop thinking about it!!!!!

Keeping it in

DH and I talk every few nights about what will happen if we see that wonderful second line. There are so many people that know that we're trying that I can't imagine being able to hold in my excitement. They are:

• Nesties
• CVSers (sort of...haven't talked about it for awhile)
• Co-workers
• SIL (and BIL, I would assume)

But that's it, really. So there are a ton of people inside the computer that know (including some people in the computer that I know IRL) and then my two (or three?) co-workers.

DH wants to wait until we're through the first trimester to tell anyone. My theory is that if, God forbid, something were to happen, I would want to have some support from the people who care about us. At least I assume that's the way I would feel. Let's just say that I feel that way right now. If you can't tell, I'm getting less and less sure of myself with each sentence I type!

How do you decide how large a group to tell? I want to tell our parents for sure. I figure if I'm not feeling well I should probably tell my boss. I can't imagine not telling my coworkers. I spend 40 hours a week with them and have been here through their pregnancies...so I know they'd have some great advice for me. I know I'd HAVE to tell the Nesties...which means there would be other people in my real life who would know... And I'm sure we'd tell SIL and BIL... So that list just keeps growing and growing.

Right now I want to tell everyone in the world we're TTC. Heck, I almost told the ladies at the jewelry store that when they were berating me for not getting my e-ring sized (it's about a whole size too big now). I just figure if my fingers are going to swell, I will be able to fit into my e-ring without doing any sizing or anything. So as hard as it is to not tell people we're TTC, I have a feeling it'll be even harder not to tell people that we're pg.

My life is full of "what if" right now and it's very frustrating for a control freak like me. For instance, if we get pg this cycle, we'll find out just before Father's Day. If we're pg, I'd love to do something for our dads for Father's Day. That also means that we'd find out about a week before we're supposed to help some friends move. If we are pg, I don't know if I'll be able to lift the heavy stuff I normally would. In the beginning of August we'll be going to St. Louis for a wedding. If we are pg, it will be a totally different wedding than if we're not. This year we got tickets to the Broadway Across America series and loved it. However, will I want to sit through those 3-hour long musicals if we get pg? I know I can't base decisions on the "what ifs", but these things run through my head every once in awhile.

Anyway, so I assume I'll be posting on the blog as we get into the 2ww and closer to testing...but I still have no idea who we'll tell or when...ugh. Any thoughts are appreciated if any of my readers have an opinion!

Choices

(I feel I need to add a disclaimer to this...I am NOT complaining about any specific person, just venting my thoughts in general. Please take no offense.)

I believe that, fundamentally, humans have free will. I choose to get up and go to work five days a week. I choose to stay up until 11 p.m. I choose most things in my life.

So it really bugs me when someone says "I don't have time for blah" as an excuse for not doing something (like cooking meals, exercising, shopping sales, etc.). It's not that they don't have time, they just don't make it a priority in their day. Priorities for me right now are (not necessarily in this order): saving money, spending time with DH, taking care of my body, making money (so we can eat, stay healthy, have a house to live in, etc.), and relaxing. There are probably others, but these are the ones that are coming to my mind during this rant. So I make the time to cut coupons and shop sales. I make the time to go to the grocery and cook most of our meals at home. I make the time to take walks. And if I don't take the time to do these things, I know it's because it's my choice.

Take last night, for instance. DH and I babysat for my niece. Would I have liked to take a walk or play the Wii or do something else last night before 9:30 p.m.? Sure. But we chose to babysit instead. I can't say "I didn't have time to exercise last night" because I could have changed my priorities. I chose to go straight from work to my BIL and SIL's at 5 p.m. I chose to eat dinner with them. I chose to sit around with my niece. I chose to hang out with DH and BIL after she went to bed, rather than go to the basement and get on the elliptical. I chose to stay and watch the end of Family Guy.

There are very few things that are out of our control. How you respond to them, though, is your choice. No more excuses--just know that you're choosing your priorities even though some of them may seem like no-brainers (being alive, keeping your child safe and happy, etc.).

It has begun

The insanity that will be my job for the next 6 months (at least) has begun.

We are implementing a new student information system that will integrate all the systems that were being used across campus into one system and we had our first training yesterday. It was long, but very good and I'm excited for the rest, but just know that it's going to get crazy as we start rolling out different parts of the system and have to train on the first part and the second and everything... So it's going to be crazy and I might be a little more stressed than normal. But it should be good--we've been working toward this for 2 years now. I'm just really glad to see it start coming to fruition.

TGIF! It's the beginning of a long weekend and I couldn't be more excited! I'm having lunch today with some wonderful women, have a long meeting this afternoon, then I'm done until Tuesday morning! No major, major plans yet, but I'm sure we'll get into something. One of our friends will be in town for a coed wedding shower on Saturday and will stay with us Saturday night, so we'll hang out with him Sunday morning and into the afternoon. Then on Sunday we'll be going to BIL & SIL's for a small picnic. Tomorrow I want to get some shopping done and need to get my engagement ring checked for the warranty. I'll also get a ring sizer while I'm out! I also want to do some CVSing and Targeting tomorrow so we can get some Wii games. :)

Have a happy and safe Memorial Day weekend!!!!

Surprised!

Had my WW meeting just now...and I actually lost this week! I'm a bit surprised because of the weekend we had (a bridal shower, a baby shower, and a birthday party!), but I'm down another 1.8 pounds, which is great! That means I'm down 62.8 pounds overall (17.8 at WW), which is really exciting. I'm sure I'll hit another plateau before I get close to 200, but I'd LOVE to see the 100s before getting pg. Of course, if we get pg this month, I wouldn't complain, either. ;)

Speaking of getting pg, I have to say that I'm nervous about what I'm going to eat when I'm pg. I now feel my "full gauge" more than I have in a really long time, but I'm just not sure how much I'll be wanting to eat...I guess I just need guidelines. I can count and count and count....but I don't trust my body to tell me when I'm full. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

So tired!

I have lots of thoughts swimming through my head most of the time. So many that I could probably write 5 blog posts a day about nothing. And then my few (but strong!) loyal readers would run away. So I won't.

So today I'm going to complain about how tired I am because of being at ILs' house this weekend.

I have to preface this by saying that I adore my niece and my SIL and BIL. I really, really do. But I was pretty peeved this weekend when we were, yet again, sent to the basement to sleep. On a futon with a mattress about a half an inch thick. They tried to make it better by putting an air mattress under the futon mattress, but it deflated by about 2 a.m., so we were then feeling the metal bars of the futon. Because we were in the basement and I think houses don't have insulation between the floor and the ceiling of the basement, we could hear everything going on above us. Beginning at 6:30 a.m. Without fail. My 13 1/2 month old niece was making all sorts of noises directly above us both mornings. Didn't matter if she was happy or sad--it was loud enough to wake us up both mornings.

What were the alternatives for sleeping, you ask? Well, there were three other options for where we could have slept. We could have slept in the family room (which is a converted porch). Definitely would have been awake by 6:30 every morning there because there is no door. The second option would have been sleeping in the green bedroom/hallway (the house is set up weird and there are two doors in the room that used to be kept open and used as a hallway). This would have been okay--there's a daybed with a trundle in there and we could have made that work. However, BIL and SIL were sleeping in there. You know why? The last option is the yellow room. A full-sized bed, perfect for me...so cozy... But we couldn't sleep in there because my niece was in her Pack-n-Play in there. NOT because someone was using the bed. And my BIL and SIL don't like to sleep in the same room as my niece b/c she's a loud sleeper. Ugh. So we slept in the damp, cold basement on the futon. And I'm still not happy about it.

Told DH that if they tried to put us down there once I'm pg (God willing, of course), we will go stay in a hotel or not spend the night. No question. Ugh. I've never been so happy to sleep in my own bed.

Who are my readers?

I signed up for an account with Google analytics when I started this blog, just so I could see who my readers were. I have to say, I'm really excited by how many people read my blog when I update it! My last update day I got 10 readers (which makes me think people have subscribed to know when it's updated).

I was hoping people would end up on my site via some really amusing Google searches, but it hasn't happened yet. We'll see if it does eventually.

I also have discovered that my blog is linked on some friends' blogs because I'm getting some traffic from their blogs. And that also means I now have readers outside of Ohio (and Arizona...hi, Melissa!)--there's even someone in Germany!

Basically I just want to say hello to everyone who is reading--I'd love to know who my regular readers are!!!

Nothing exciting going on on the baby front. CD 5. Really hoping this will be our cycle. Was at a baby shower yesterday and it made me get anxious. And of course DH's family was asking me all weekend when we'd be expanding the family. I told them we got our fill of baby time with our niece...which really isn't true at all. lol But I didn't want to be snotty to them about it...as much as it was tempting to do so.

Starting to use OPKs this month, I think, just so we get a little warning before I O. Of course, the gyno just told us to have sex a lot...so that might be part of the plan, too. But with our crazy weekends (including a trip to the ILs the weekend I'll probably O....) I just want some more knowledge beforehand!

Signing off...it's lunch time.

I knew it!

I knew as soon as I posted it, she would show. She did. Onto cycle 2!

Come out, come out, whereever you aren't

AF still hasn't showed. Nope. CD 29 and still nothing. Got little bits of cramps still...little bits of spotting still...but no AF. I really thought she'd be here today, too. My chart from February showed 2 days of spotting, 2 days of nothing, then AF. I've had 2 days of spotting, today is day 3 of nothing... DH set a goal on Tuesday night of testing on Friday morning if still no AF. Temps dropped, but not a ton. Tuesday 98.15, Wednesday 98.03, today 97.91--dropping 0.12 each day. Waiting for that plummet. I'm sure it's coming tomorrow. Heck, I'm sure she's coming today.

This sucks. I hate the waiting. If she's coming, just come so we can move onto the next cycle. I'm okay with that. If she's not...then just don't!

Oh, I forgot to mention that this Zen thing is actually working pretty well. DH and I are interacting more, I'm relaxed a bit more (even if I don't sound like it above...). I'm trying to take care of my body better--thinking about what I put into it and how I treat it. We've been playing more Wii, working outside...I feel more in tune with him, which is a nice change. Plus I think us TTC has formed an extra connection between us. It's something we both want so badly and something we're working on together--win or lose. Now if I could just find more time to sleep, I'd be even better off. It's not going to happen until at least Sunday night now, though, since tonight we'll be preparing for our busy weekend and then we'll be OOT Friday and Saturday nights. I don't plan on posting again until Monday unless I have good news. So for any of you that actually read this and are hoping for some news...in this case, no news is bad news. ;)

Relax

I was just reading a new blog (well, new to me...) and she has recently taken on the project of making herself more zen...and it was really inspiring! I feel like I've been eaten up by stress recently and I need to let go. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, but I really want to. I'm going to enlist DH's help tonight.

I'm going to start by thinking of things we like to do together. Things OTHER than watching TV.

• Playing the Wii--Could we get more Wii games that would help us interact with each other?
• Playing board games--what games do we both like to play? Are there others we could get?
• We could start jogging again or even just taking walks.
• We should both start reading again--it was a great way to wind down at night.

I guess the main goal is to let go of the stress that I feel like has started to crush me every evening that I take home with me from work. It's not good for me or for my body.

And that's another thing someone else has opened my eyes to. Here is the quote:

If Life is a Game, These are the Rulesby Cherie Carter-Scott:

"The body you are given will be yours for the duration of your time here. Love it or hate it, accept it or reject it, it is the only one you will receive in this lifetime. It will be with you from the minute you draw your first breath to the last beat of your heart. Since there is a no-refund, no-exchange policy on this body of yours, it is essential that you learn to transform your body from a mere vessel into a beloved partner and lifelong ally, as the relationship between you and your body is the most fundamental and important relationship of your lifetime. It is the blueprint from which all your other relationships will be built."

This also goes along with the common Bible teaching that the body is a temple and should be respected as such. I need to remember that and start treating THIS body--the only one I will EVER have--better. Bring on the exercise! :)

Thoughtful

One thing that people who know me well know is that I am always thinking. If I am performing one task, I am usually thinking about 3 other things. I'm constantly planning, thinking about my bank account, thinking about stuff going on at work...if I'm not thinking about or doing at least 3 things at once, there's something wrong, typically.

So I now have something else to concentrate on--this TTC thing. If I wrote here in this blog every time I thought about it, you all would be REALLY tired of hearing from me! But I know the people in my life are tired of hearing me talk about it, so, for today, I'm going to ramble (not that most of my posts aren't rambling...).

I'm at the end of the 2ww (the two week wait--for those of you non-TTCers or non-message boarders, it is the "two weeks" from ovulation until your period comes). For me, it's usually closer to about 10-12 days. I probably ovulated around Friday, May 2nd and it's currently 10 dpo (days past ovulation). Yesterday morning I started spotting and getting a bit of cramping. This usually doesn't happen this far in advance of my expected monthly visitor and, because I think all the time about all this, has got me wondering about implantation spotting/cramping. According to sources online, this can happen when the fertilized egg implants in the uterus and typically happens 6 to 12 days (9 days on average) after ovulation. I can't find anyone that I know that has actually had it happen, though.

So this has my hopes up. Will this be it? Will we get pg in the first month trying? I doubt it. My head REALLY doubts it. My temps have dropped (although they've dropped lots this month--it's been weird), I'm cramping and spotting and yesterday was really only 3 days before my period could show. So it's not out of the question for me to just be getting my period. But there's this inkling that it *could* be implantation spotting and, therefore, I'm considering it.

I said my head really doubts that I'm pg. As much as logic tells me I'm probably not pg, my heart just so much wants to be pg that I can't see straight. I know we just started trying...I KNOW it can take a long time to get pg...but there are people who get pg the first try and I want to be one of those people! lol

So here I am asking everyone I'm comfortable asking whether they've experienced implantation spotting. No one has said they have. And I'm sure they're tired of having me ask questions. And they think I need to calm down and not think about it. But that's just not me. It's not in me to not think about something for very long, which is why I had to give the preface about me...I know it's not like me, but that doesn't stop other people from thinking that I need to relax and not think about it so much. I mean, I'm only in the first month, I should relax and let nature take its course...and I'm trying, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it.

Note that I'm using the verb "think". I'm not saying I'm WORRIED. Just thinking. Pondering. Considering. Cogitating. Ruminating. Thinking.

Seeing the world

Well, not really. Just seeing parts of the East Coast (I just had a heck of a debate whether to capitalize that or not). Went with my parents and DH to NYC, Atlantic City, and Philly May 3rd through May 7th. It was a really nice trip, but was glad to be home. DH and I were home sick the Thursday and Friday before the trip and the illness followed us through the weekend. Blech.

Not glad to be back at work, though. Same old stuff...different day. I thought this morning maybe it would be different. Maybe after being gone for over a week I would be refreshed. Not so.

Doesn't help that I'm PMSing. Already. On CD 26 (and CD 25.....). WTF? I've never started spotting and cramping on CD 25 before but of course AF wants to show herself early this cycle, to prove it didn't work. Of course it didn't...FF (the site I use to track my cycles) doesn't even detect an O this month. I think I did since there's a definite temp shift, but it sure doesn't seem to think so. I think I Oed right around the time we were sick. Of course. lol So that would explain why I'm not pg anyway. Oh well--I REALLY didn't expect it to happen quickly anyway, but it sure would've been nice!!! ;)

Anyway, just wanted to say that I'm alive (not sure who is really reading these days, anyway, but just in case....). Now if I could just take some more time off...I could really use a nap. :)

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the trip:

Cautiously posting again

So I said something in one of my posts that was pretty hateful and didn't think twice about posting it. I really shouldn't have posted while I was upset and I apologize to the person I hurt! The post has been removed. So, from now on, I'm going to be a bit more careful about what I'm posting (and, really, thinking and feeling).

I did want to post today, though, to talk about my WW meeting last night. I go with my SIL who, last week, lost 1.4 pounds (if you remember, the same amount I gained). Well, this past weekend was her brother's wedding and apparently she didn't count a single point all week long. So she gained. 1.4 pounds. And guess how much I lost. 1.4 pounds. Ummm...are those scales rigged????? What are the odds? Anyway, we both are committing to BOTH of us losing next week. So I'll be working to make that happen. It'll be my last meeting before our NYC trip. I know we'll be walking all day while we're there, but I also know we'll be eating some decadent foods! So we'll see what happens after that!

Goodbye Blog

I apparently need a more private place to post my thoughts and feelings, where no one will get hurt if they read them, so I will no longer be posting to this blog.

My new theme song

It's been a rough day around here. I had a meeting across campus and was walking back--a group here has an event going on called "Best Day of Your Life". It's actually feeling more like the worst day of my life. But all I could think about is that if I were a student again, I just wouldn't have anything real to worry about. Thus the song.

I wish I could go back to college.
Life was so simple back then.
What would I give to go back and live in a dorm with a meal plan again!
I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad, and think, "Oh my God!I am totally gonna go far!"
How do I go back to college?
I don't know who I am anymore!
I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry-erase pen on the door!
Ohhh...I wish I could just drop a class...
Or get into a play...
Or change my major...
Or f*** my T.A.
I need an academic advisor to point the way!
We could be...
Sitting in the computer lab,4 A.M. before the final paper is due,
Cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,
And seeing the rest of the class there, too!
I wish I could go back to college!
How do I go back to college?!AHHHH...
I wish I had taken more pictures.
But if I were to go back to college,
Think what a loser I'd be-
I'd walk through the quad,
And think "Oh my God..."
"These kids are so much younger than me."

XXXXXXXXX

Post deleted

Athlete in a fat girl's body

I've come to the realization that this is what I am. And athlete in a fat girl's body.

I'm enormously more capable at athletic endeavors than at least 90% of women my size. Hell, I was probably about 235 when I was marching and playing all over the field. I can confidently say that I was an in-shape 235 pounder. I can't remember a time when I couldn't do a full aerobics class. Even at 274 I was fairly athletic. Yes, I got tired more often than I otherwise would.

I know people look at me and think there's no way I can run, do aerobics, lift weights, etc....but that's not true. I have more muscle in my legs than my DH could ever hope to have :)

I don't know the point of this....just needed to get it off my chest.

And remember....the scale doesn't lie

(yes, that's a quote from Celebrity Fit Club)

So I gained last night. And I freaked out. I'm withdrawing and I'm emotional and it pisses me off.

I know I'm overreacting, that it happens to lots of people...it's just that weight loss has been so frustrating to me for so freaking long and this just feels like one more setback and I'm tempted to just scrap the whole damn thing. I'm sure I'm overly emotional about it because AF showed today and I always get stupidly emotional around this time of the month, but it's really not entirely it. If it were someone else, I would tell them the same things the ladies told me, but when I try to listen and take those comments in, it just doesn't work. It's just a lifelong struggle for me and my thoughts have always been that I'm big enough that, once I figure out the correct path, the weight *should* just fall off of me. But it doesn't and it never will. I've cursed myself by being athletic and anorexic and everything. And I hate that I'm going to be paying for it forever.

So, basically, I'm still really, really down in the dumps today. I cried and cried last night and DH knew there was nothing he could say or do about it, so he just left me alone. *sigh* And I'm sitting here now stifling the tears as well.

I'm giving WW combined with the running another week to work. If I don't lose more than a pound next week (not asking for anything big!), I'm going to have to change something--either stop working out, since that seems to cause me problems every damn time, or change my eating plan again.

Guess I was mistaken

Um yeah....so much for that. Still no AF. Guess tomorrow will probably be CD 1.

This is it....(maybe)

Well, I think today is going to be CD 1. Temp dropped 0.8º from yesterday to today and I'm feeling crampy. Of course, that makes this cycle only 27 days....how weird.

So now DH and I have been having a discussion about if we're ready to do this. I've just gotten involved with some friends in trying to lose weight and get healthier. I've made great progress (just check out the ticker on the right!) and things are moving along and I have some great support now! DH wanted to know if I wanted to keep going with the weight loss and put off the TTC. I know I'll just have to lose weight after baby comes anyway, so is there a point to taking time off to keep losing before TTC? I'm not feeling like there really is. I think I'll keep trying to lose weight until we conceive, then focus on making baby healthy. If it takes awhile to conceive (which I assume it will), then all the better for my weight loss! And if not, well, then I'll be pregnant :)

So I guess that means this is really it. This is the cycle. We're going to try to have a baby. Now. Holy shit.

Well, okay, now isn't exactly the right word, I suppose. I mean, we won't even start "trying" for another 10-12 days or so...and then will keep on trying for quite a few days after that, as my chart this month said I ovulated between CD 8 and CD 19. I told DH that and he goes "that's a lot of sex!" Yes, dear, it is.

Still not using OPKs this month. I debated about it, but I'm just going to keep temping and try to estimate--I do want this to be fun, after all. If I can just relax and make it fun....

Of course, I've Oed betweeen CD 17 and CD 23 over the previous 3 months...which would put us trying May 2nd through May 8th. Yeah, guess when we'll be in NYC with my parents....May 3rd through May 7th. lol! At least we have our own room....could bring back a souvenir! lol

Okay, need to stop thinking about this for now or I'm going to have a panic attack.

In case you missed it....

I updated my weight loss ticker! Last night I was down 4.8 pounds from just a week ago!!!! With my niece's first birthday party in there, I didn't think there was any chance that I'd lost. I couldn't be happier!!!

With this weight loss as well as the formation of a Nestie Biggest Loser and weight loss support board, I'm starting to think that we might wait to TTC. Or at least just not be horribly anal the first few months. I wouldn't mind getting below 200 before getting pg--it was my original goal, but I didn't think it was attainable. Now that I've got just over 16 pounds to go, I'm starting to think I might be able to do it!

Still waiting to O. My cycles have been so weird since I went off the pill. My cycles have been pretty unpredictable and here I am at CD 22, still no O detected. My temps are still in the mid to low 98s, which is kind of low for me post-O. O well (hehehe)--we'll figure it out at some point. As long as my luteal phase seems long enough, I won't worry too much. I do need to schedule my annual exam soon, though...so I'll discuss these concerns with her if they continue. I should be happy, though--a lot of people don't even have as regular of cycles as I'm experiencing--between 29 and 33 days!

Happy (Belated) Easter!!!

Okay, so I'm a little behind with the post, but I wanted to say Happy Easter to all those who might happen upon my blog. :)

This Easter we went and visited the ILs, which was a nice trip. However, the entire time, I didn't spend ANY time really thinking about the true meaning of Easter. I honestly want my children to grow up in a church, knowing and focusing on the meaning of the religious holidays. How did I get so far away from my Christianity? I know it started with college--I had a church at home that I loved, but never really clicked with one on campus...and still haven't put forth any effort to find one in Columbus. That really should change. Of course, it's not going to change this coming weekend or probably the next...but DH and I have both always said that we want our children to have a church. Church was a focal point in my growing up, but wasn't for DH and I want to make that a priority when we have kids...which probably means we should start "shopping" for a church pretty soon!

Anyway, my point is that Easter is a very special time in the Christian faith and I want to recognize this day and the beauty that Christ has risen and is now seated at the right hand of God. In His death, our sins are now able to be forgiven and that is the greatest gift that anyone can ever give. Thank you, God, for sacrificing your Son so that my sins can be forgiven.

Is my uterus in my thighs????

No? It's not? Then why, pray tell, am I having excruciating cramps in my thighs in addition to my stomach and back????

I'm experiencing the worst cramps I've had since I was in college. I spent time in the fetal position this morning, waiting for the ibuprofen to kick in. Ugh. And so AF is here with a vengence.

Had first pregnancy "scare" since going off the pill. Of course, now it isn't so much of a scare as a "hey, we didn't plan it that way". :) (this may be TMI--you've been warned) My first cycle was 33 days, my second, 29, so I thought this month would be a really normal 28 day cycle. Not so. Yesterday was cycle day 30. I had spotted for a few days, but actually pretty much stopped spotting by yesterday. I thought--wow, there's not really a chance I could be pregnant, but... So I called DH and told him I'd wait for him to get back to test. No need for that now! But it's okay--all is still going according to plan.

On the subject of weight loss, though, I'm down another 1.2 pounds WITH PMS bloat. I was really excited. The BEST part is that, with those 1.2 pounds, I am officially down 50 pounds from my max weight. Of course, you get a sticker once you hit 5 pounds lost with WW...and I'm at 4.8. SIL got to her 10 pound mark, though, so she got her ribbon :) We were hoping to hit our milestones together, but it's okay--I'll crush that 5 pound mark next week.

I do have to keep reminding myself that I won't lose like so many of these ladies who are losing 10 pounds in two weeks at the meetings...I've been working to lose weight for a really long time. So 1-2 pounds a week is just fine by me!

The numbers are in.....

.......(drum roll, please)...........





I lost 3.4 pounds my first week!!! Woohoo!!!!

I know I can't keep that up and that's fine, but I'm just excited that changing up how I'm eating has made that big of an impact. I hope I continue to see results. :)

I hate to admit it...

...but I did it.

I have always been one who wanted to be a rebel. But I'm not. I know that. But I hated Dave Matthews b/c all my friends loved him. I hated Labyrinth and Princess Bride because my friends loved them. And I hate Weight Watchers because it's the popular thing here at work. (I also hate Weight Watchers because they don't *really* teach how the points are calculated and want people to think in terms of points. It might work to help lose weight, but most people aren't really thinking about the "calories in=calories out" model)

Anyway, I joined. I'm doing it under protest, but I'm giving it a shot out of frustration of not losing weight. I think most of the frustration because I'm not eating enough and possibly b/c I was eating too much peanut butter each day. With the way I was counting my food, peanut butter counted as a protein, so it was basically free. In moderation. Well, I was having at least 4 T a day...probably more. I had it on toast in the morning and then with fruit/celery in the afternoon....probably a bit too much now that I look at it. Anyway, I'm not losing weight. And I should be. I'm freaking 228 pounds for goodness sake--how can I not lose weight when I work out 4 days a week and cut my food intake???? *sigh*

So I went to my first meeting with my SIL last Wednesday. The meeting was weird...not a big fan. But now I'm officially signed up for 10 more weeks. So I'm doing it. DH and I are counting points and trying to stick with it as much as possible. I'm not eating all my points every day, but I'm trying to really hard. I really, really am. Just need to adjust and eat a bit more during the day, I think.

I go back for my 2nd officialy weigh-in on Wednesday night. I hope I've lost something and continue to lose something. It seems like I've been losing and gaining the same 5 pounds for about 6 months now. And that isn't much fun and is really, really frustrating. I'm holding off on working out, even though I love to do it, just to see about cutting the calories and how that does for me. I don't expect a big loss like so many others have seen in their first week, just because I've been watching what I eat for so long now. But we'll see. A pound would be nice.

*******

Nothing new on the baby front. Still charting, still ovulating, still waiting. This time next week, I will probably be on my last cycle not trying. Holy crap. Which means in about a month and a half we'll be trying to have a baby.

Breathe.

No panic attack......

I want a baby, but I'm so scared!!! How will our parents react? How will our friends react? We'll be the first of my high school and college friends to have a baby...even though all my friends are at least 26. It will change SO much and that scares me to death. But I know that it'll change in a good way, too. We'll be parents. Responsible for a little person's well-being.

Insert panic attack here.

That Old Song....

When I was little, I was in Girl Scouts (well, I was a Daisy and a Brownie--then the whole group switched to 4-H). We used to sit in a circle and sing this song:

Make new friends
But keep the old
One is silver
And the other gold

I was singing it this morning and finally figured out why--I made new friends last night.

How does this really apply to baby-making and baby-wanting, you ask? Well, it makes me happy. I feel like I've gotten into this rut of going to work, coming home (sometimes via the gym), cooking dinner, then sitting on the couch for the entire evening with DH, just staring at the TV. I love the time we spend together, I really do. But getting out of the house was good for me last night. Of course, DH had an awful day and that really sucked for him...but I was doing something good for me. And I think I need to start doing more for me.

So this blog has been all about preparing for a baby and I realize now that I need to take better care of my mental health as well as my physical health. Basically, I need to be better to ME. And that's something I haven't done on a regular basis in a long time. So I'm going to start going to book clubs more regularly, going to game nights, making new friends (but of course, keeping the old...), exercising whether DH wants to or not, dealing (shopping at Target & CVS) and revisiting my old hobbies.

Along the lines of the old hobbies...I'm a crafter. Not nearly as much so as some people I know, but I love to cross-stitch, knit, paint, scrapbook...you name a craft and I've probably tried it and have some supplies for it in a room. I think I want to get back into knitting because of the book we read for book club--I miss it. So tonight I'm going to go to JoAnn's and pick out a new pattern and start something for me--not a baby blanket for someone else or something, but maybe a blanket for me...or maybe I'll get a cross-stitch pattern that I can put in our house. :)

So this is going to be my focus for a bit--going to chat with DH tonight about it and hope that we can find some stuff that he loves that he can do to make himself happy, too. I think it can only make us stronger in our relationship and as future parents.

Where does the weekend go?

Another Monday.

Blah.

It was a good, productive weekend, but I feel utterly exhausted sitting here at work. I think I was nesting this weekend. It was weird. I'm tired of living a life full of clutter. So, we worked to simplify our lives. We cleaned out and reorganized the kitchen cupboards. Now I just need a few plastic bins to put some stuff in so we can access it easier. We also cleaned up the basement and organized it--it was a mess. Cleaned the first floor and even made a chore list--just need to dole out responsibilities. It's awful--here I am 26 years old and still not doing chores on a regular basis. Our kitchen gets to be a mess with the dishes, our bathrooms aren't cleaned that often...it's gross. But that's all about to change. I'm hoping our new dishwasher will help take care of the dishes problem. We're both really determined now, but we'll see what this week will bring--that's the true test. If the house doesn't get cluttered during the week, we'll have an easier weekend and a whole lot less stress. I suppose, really, Tuesday will be the test since I'll be at book club almost all night and DH will be working late because of Obama coming to town.

Anyway, I guess I'm just saying that I feel like I'm finally really growing up and taking responsibility in our house. We just have a few more rooms we need to really go over--mostly our bedroom and closet. The biggest problem is that I have a TON of clothes that don't really fit anymore and aren't really all that flattering. However, if I get pregnant, I have a feeling that I'll just want to wear my "fat clothes" for awhile. Therefore, I don't want to get rid of them or have them altered to fit. But I just have too many pairs of pants that don't fit anymore--it's awful. I mean, it should be good, but it's actually really frustrating. So maybe we'll pack them away and then when I need bigger clothes, we can pull them out. Something has to be done--I have clothes ranging size 14 through 20 upstairs and the room is bulging with stuff because of it. So maybe our bedroom will be next weekend's project. Or maybe even during the week this week.

Side note: Got to get back to the gym this week. Haven't been since January, which was before DH got sick. Feeling better, but just haven't gotten back into the habit. It's bad news. I did do the Biggest Loser video this past week, which was good. I have gym clothes at work today and might go tomorrow after work. We'll see--need to discuss with DH. Not sure if when he says he doesn't feel like going I should push him to go or just accept it. Need to ask.

No stirrups...thank God

Went to my new OB/GYN yesterday. I don't think, if I had an established relationship with an OB previously, that I would have felt like I needed to go, but since I need to get one before having a baby, I figured now would be a good enough time. I was going anyway, so I took questions.

I wish I had funny stories about it, but it was pretty boring, as far as doctor's appointments go. Got weighed, talked to the medical assistant, talked to the doctor about my questions....and that was it. The doctor did tell me that I can stay on all my meds, including my anxiety and allergy meds, which is SO good. She said she'd only want me to gain 10-15 pounds during pregnancy if I stay the same weight as I am now. That didn't make me feel great...but I suppose it's incentive to try to lose another 10-15 before I get pregnant.

I had been thinking that I would wait until I get down to 200 to get pregnant, but I'm tired of waiting. Lord knows that my body doesn't seem to want to lose any more and I don't think I want to wait for years to lose those 10-15 pounds before getting pregnant.

So what are we waiting on? Well, if I were to get pregnant this cycle, I would be due on Thanksgiving. Umm....no thanks. Pregnant next cycle? We're looking at due on Christmas....again, no. So I guess it'll have to be the next cycle. The cycle starting April 18th or so....which would mean....conceiving a baby right around the time we'll be headed to NYC--which means not having to worry too much about being actually pregnant there...which is good.

Damn it, I think too much. I do. Why can't I just let this happen? Why do I have to plan it all? Because that's who I am, that's why. Damn it.

So what I learned at the doctor:

• Drugs are okay :) (well, the ones I'm already on)
• Changes should be made pre-pregnancy so pregnancy isn't so stressful
• No ab workouts once pregnant
• Lighter workouts once pregnant
• No soft cheeses (almost a deal-breaker for me....lol Yeah, right)
• Flintstones are okay, or could even just increase folic acid in my diet since prenatals make me nauseous
• I'm allowed to worry through the first pregnancy...but not after that :) Well, she sort of said that...but I'm trying to be prepped so I don't have to worry too much.

So that's that. So over two months still to wait to even start trying. And then who knows how long to wait after that.

Waiting

Assuming this cycle goes as planned (28 days, early enough ovulation for a decent luteal phase...), we're planning to start trying the end of April. Well, that cycle will start the middle of April, if all goes according to the way my cycles used to be.

Of course, last night I'm talking to my mom on the phone and she's talking about our plans to go to NYC for a few days with her and my dad. They want to think about going in May or June. What if we get pregnant at the end of April? What if we're gone when I need to test? What if I were to miscarry while we're gone? What if I've got morning sickness while we're gone?

I overanalyze everything--I know that. But there are so many what ifs and it feels like maybe we should put off trying another month. But why? I always think--why are we in a hurry? Why do we want to start having babies after being married for less than 3 years? But then other times, I just think--Why not? Why not start trying?

Are we REALLY ready for this? Will I ever feel REALLY ready? I don't think so. Some people say they felt ready until they got their BFP (big fat positive--a positive pregnancy test). Others say they felt ready until they got into a certain trimester, or were in the hospital ready to deliver. But me, this overanalyzer, I don't think I'll actually feel ready until that baby is in my arms. While I'm freaking out.

But DH doesn't think about it. He wants a baby--why not now? He doesn't even think about the big changes it's going to make in our lives...or the implications it could have...how miserable I might be travelling, how crappy I could feel for 9 months...

Yes, I'm overthinking. I know I am. But I really just can't help it.

I talked to my co-worker about the trip and whether we should wait to start trying until May. She told me to stop putting it off. She knows I'm a control freak and want to try to plan. But there are so many 'what ifs'...babies aren't easy to truly plan. So we'll still probably start in April. But I still might try for a vacation in early May--just in case.