Back from the doctor

Everything went well! She answered all of my questions, took a look at baby, and did a pap (joy...). The heartbeat was 170 (according to old wives' tales, that's in the girl range, but I'm guessing it's wrong!!!). The baby was measuring right on at 9w2d and they put my due date at August 3, 2009. What an amazing experience to hear and see that little heart just pumping away and to know that the baby is in there!

They did do a urine HPT and that made me the teeniest bit nervous! It still came up as pregnant, so that made me feel better :) Then we moved onto the u/s and everything.

During the appt, I asked if thyroid levels were a typical blood test they did (my maternal grandma lost 2 babies b/c of thyroid problems). The doctor said no, but that there's a study that I could participate in to have it checked. I enrolled in the study (took about 3 minutes), got a $10 Target GC, and when I went down for other blood work and they just took an extra vial of blood--no problem! It was all very easy and this way, if my thyroid levels are off, I'll know and we can think about treatment.

Such a relief! Now we just need to make it through the next few weeks and we can breathe even easier :)

I'm here!

First of all, Happy Holidays to all! I was away from a computer 12/22 through 12/28, so I missed wishing you all a Merry Christmas. We had a fantastic Christmas with our families and enjoyed spending time with them all, but are very glad to be home and in our own bed.

This post may completely random--lots of things to express today :)

What I'm experiencing right now:

~ Anxiety ~ Our first doctor's appointment is FINALLY tomorrow morning at 9:40 a.m.! Even though I've been consistently experiencing symptoms, I still worry and pray that everything is okay in there! I can't wait to see our little one!

~ Nausea ~ It showed up at almost exactly 6 weeks, went away at almost exactly 7 weeks, then came back on Christmas Day at 8.5 weeks. It's not horrible and, as I've been telling people, if this is as bad as it gets, I'll be just fine.

~ Twinges ~ I definitely wouldn't call them cramps--just some pulling pretty low every once awhile. I'm not at all worried about it and hope I shouldn't be!

~ Exhaustion ~ This has been one symptom that hasn't really gone away much in the last 5 weeks or so. I constantly feel like I could go to sleep. I still haven't fallen asleep on anyone, but I sure feel like I could!!!

~ Bloating ~ I write that as I sit here with my pants undone at work. LOL! These are some skinnier pants and I think they're getting packed away VERY soon. I have plenty of pants that fit sort of big and won't put as much pressure on my tummy. Pressure=nausea. Blech.

~ Headaches ~ They aren't horrible, but I think it's worse because I'm trying VERY hard not to take anything for them!!!

~ Acid ~ Blech. I burp up almost anything I eat and find that if I drink water around the time I eat it's even worse. It's really hard to get in a lot of water when you can't drink when you eat and you're eating all the time. I've tried Tums, but I have just been burping them up, too...and orange cream Tums the 2nd time around aren't all that pleasant.

~ Food aversions ~ It hasn't been horrible, but I have no interest in meat right now, so planning meals has been pretty difficult. I survived the holidays pretty well, but am hoping this is just a first trimester thing!

~ Nipple tenderness ~ They've been pretty sore since around the time of my BFP. Nothing horrible and it comes and goes, but it's definitely still there!

~ Congestion ~ Since I can't take anything for my allergies or a cold, I'm really paranoid about this. I was surrounded by sickness during part of the holiday, so I was really nervous that I'd catch it, but with the help of my Neti Pot and maybe a bit of prayer, I came out unscathed. The 70 degree day we had here, though, almost did me in! My allergies were going CRAZY with the windows down in the car! Luckily I'll be in the 2nd trimester by the time spring rolls around and I may be able to go back on my allergy medicines by then (my precaution, not my doctor's--she told me I could stay on all my meds when we got pg, but I didn't want to risk it)!

~ Gas ~ How could I forget???? I don't think I need to say any more, though....

What I'm NOT experiencing:

Frequent urination
Constipation
Mood swings

Just goes to show you that every pregnancy is different! (this is what I keep reminding myself to keep myself sane)

I'll post sometime tomorrow (it may be a crazy day with two doctor's appointments and 3 meetings at work!) to let you all know how the appointment goes. Say a little prayer that we've got good news!

Less than...

...1 week to Christmas (since Christmas starts on Wednesday for us)

and....

....2 weeks until we see P (which is what DH decided to start calling the baby--and no, it doesn't stand for anything. lol)!

So much to look forward to, but so much stress as well!

Since we won't be in town most of next week (but will have someone staying in our house, all you would-be robbers...), we need to get a lot done in the next 4 days (bear with me while I write it all out here...)

• Wraps gifts
• Finish purchasing gifts (mostly online and a couple of GCs)
• Put together gifts
• Buy gift bags
• Do laundry
• Pack
• Make food for tomorrow (holiday potluck at work)
• Make food for Saturday (party at a friend's)
• Do Christmas cards if we're going to....
• Put my Secret Nestie gift in the mail
• Order gift for DH's cousin's wedding (we aren't attending, but want to send something since I slacked on the shower)
• Finish up everything for work
• Get an oil change
• Bake Christmas cookies (I really want to do this, but don't know if I'll have time)
• SLEEP (yes, I have to put it on the list or it won't get done)

I have no idea how it will get done since tonight is volunteering, then dinner with a friend (so won't be home until almost bedtime), then tomorrow is work all day again. So really we just have tomorrow evening, Saturday morning/afternoon, and Sunday to do it all. Ugh.

I do love Christmas, but will love it a lot more once this is all done!!!

Have a happy holiday, everyone!!!

How do people have healthy pregnancies?

It seems like almost everyone I know has had a miscarriage and that scares the shit out of me. I just feel like it's everywhere and it makes me wonder if there really are people out there who have healthy pregnancies that go a full 9 months. Pregnancy is so incredibly fragile. I sort of felt like as I get further along in this first trimester I can relax a bit more, but then I read about people who m/c at 9 weeks (and later) and I panic all over again. I knew in my head that we couldn't relax much until we hit 12 weeks, but part of me was getting used to being pg and just trying to enjoy it.

I'm so scared. I wish I weren't. I wish I could just relax and be at least somewhat naive about the whole thing and believe in my heart that this pregnancy is going to stick for the next 9 months, but I'm having a really hard time with it. And I know the stress of being worried isn't good for the baby at all, so it's this horrible vicious cycle. I worry that baby won't be okay, that causes more stress, making it more likely that baby won't be okay, then I worry some more... How do I relax and just try to enjoy this and not feel paralyzed by the fear of a miscarriage?

I want to be a mommy more than anything in the world and after the road we took to get here (not as long and painful as others, but it wasn't particularly pleasant), I fear having to start all over again.

Double-Edged Sword

For the past week, I've been experiencing some pretty constant nausea. Not fun. I'm nervous about what I can eat and have had a complete aversion to meat of any kind. I've also found that I have an interest in anything made with cream cheese. Weird, eh?

The problem is that yesterday I felt great. Why is that a problem, you ask? Well, it makes me paranoid that, with some symptoms beginning to disappear, my estrogen and progesterone levels are decreasing. Yes, I'm overly paranoid, probably, but I'm trying to prepare myself for all the different outcomes.

So while I hate the nausea while I'm experiencing it, when it's not here, it makes me worry. Neurotic? Yes, of course.

Oh the snot!

With an increase in mucus elsewhere (ahem...), my nasal passages are constantly congested. I'm ridiculously paranoid that I'm getting a cold (especially since DH has been fighting one for the past week and a half. Of course, the first trimester exhaustion combines with that congestion to REALLY make me think I'm getting sick. Ugh.

Of course DH is paranoid, too, and is VERY worried that he's given me his cold. I was battling with nausea pretty badly one evening, so he called me at work the next day and asked how I was feeling. I told him the nausea wasn't too bad that day, but then realized he was actually making sure I hadn't gotten his cold! lol I'm sure I'll get one at some point, but we're in for a bad winter if I get one already!

I guess the exhaustion is my body's way of making me sleep when I really need it, but it's pretty bad timing with the holidays! I don't have energy to do any Christmas shopping or any of the things I need to do to prepare for the next few weeks. And I have no idea how I'm going to handle being in houses with lots and lots of food....ick. But we'll do the best we can because we're just working on keeping this baby as healthy as possible.

The BFP story

I know when I was TTC I always wanted to hear about the symptoms that people with BFPs experienced, so I thought I would post about what led up to my getting a BFP.

As you all know, I typically start spotting at 9 or maybe 10 DPO. As I posted on 11/19 (8 DPO), I felt just like I always did at 8 DPO--starting to get a little crampy and feeling a little blah.

5DPO--bbs started hurting (normally started at O and ended around 5DPO)

8DPO--light cramping, like normal, bbs still hurt off and on

9DPO--very light spotting like normal, was convinced cycle was over, bbs still a little painful

10DPO--spotting tapered off, some creamy CM, a couple of twinges in my bbs

11DPO--forced myself to go pee as soon as I got up so I wouldn't test, no spotting. Told myself that if there was no spotting when I went to pee again (around 2 p.m.) I would test. No spotting, so I POAS and got a pretty decent line.

I watched the urine wick over the stick and saw no line and wanted to cry. I got done and started to leave the bathroom when I thought I actually did see a line. I yelled downstairs to DH (who was entertaining guests during halftime of the OSU/M*ch*g*n game), "honey, would you please come help me look for something?" He came upstairs.

"What do you see?"
"Ummm...a line. "
"How many lines?"
"Two. What does that mean?"
"What do you think that means!??!"
"I don't believe you."
So then I POAnotherS.

And then he understood. And we cried. And hugged. And then we hid our excitement because we weren't ready to share our good news.

The first week or so (at least!) I didn't have any symptoms besides slightly sorer bbs and quite a bit of creamy CM.

Before I hit 6 weeks, I'd had a couple of waves of nausea, but nothing too huge (except on Saturday the 6th--that morning was rough). I was exhausted, though. *yawn* I can't stay awake past 8:30 or 9 most nights. And now...the "morning" sickness has hit me. I'm bloated (I think...I tried to ignore the state of my belly before). And I'm starting to believe I really am pregnant.

Survivor's Guilt

I know I will get all sorts of reassuring responses, but this is absolutely the way I feel...

Part of me feels guilty for being pregnant. After TTC for 8 months, I was starting to accept that we were going to have trouble TTC and had gotten myself into a group of people who were TTC, many of whom had trouble TTC. And now I'm not in it anymore and that's just weird to me. I feel guilty that I got out, that I'm pregnant, and they aren't. I love these girls and pray for them every day and hope to hear great news from them when they're reaching the end of their cycle. I want the absolute best for them and I want them to join me in the, for lack of a better word, life-after. Life after being categorized as TTC (if not trouble TTC).

Why did I get chosen when there are others who have been trying longer than DH and I did? And, in the same vein, why are there others who can get pg the first try? It just seems like it would be fairer if we all knew it would take 6 cycles to get pg and it did for everyone. But that's just not how it works. So even though I feel like I paid my pennance, I waited for longer than the "average" (whatever that means), I feel guilty for those that have been trying for longer.

Okay, okay....

I guess I didn't fool many (if any of you)...you figured out my secret anyway.

Just so you know, I did NOT lie to you....I have been ridiculously busy at work (12/1 is a big deadline) and haven't had much time to blog or anything. But I have been lying by omission.

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!! :)

I'll post all details later--I've even been writing stuff out like symptoms and everything and will continue to post here about all the personal stuff (lucky you) :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

No time for a real post--just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving! Be thankful for all the joys and blessings in your life. I am!

(I will be really busy for the next week and a half or so, so if you don't hear anything from me, no worries!)

Healthy Recipe Thursday

I've decided on another new feature for my blog--Healthy Recipe Thursday! I have tons of great recipes that I'd love to share. I thought about doing a whole healthy recipe blog, but decided just to make it a feature here.

For my first healthy recipe, I thought it was only fitting to talk about cake. I could honestly eat cake every single day and be happy. So I want to share a great thing with all of you trying to watch what you eat: The Diet Coke Cake

Ingredients:
1 can Diet Coke
1 box chocolate cake mix

Mix in a mixing bowl and bake as you usually would (or, better yet, put it in a microwaveable bowl and microwave it for about 9 minutes).

That's it! No eggs, no water--just the Diet Coke and a cake mix. The calories will totally depend on how big your portions are and what kind of cake mix you use, but to calculate the nutritional information, just take it directly from the cake mix (making sure you're watching the portions given for the mix).

Another variation that I tried was white cake mix with Sprite Zero. I've also heard that you can play with different flavors of diet soda to spice it up a little.

I made this the other night, thinking I would do a chocolate cake. So I poured the Diet Coke (caffeine free, of course) into the bowl and went for my cake mix. No chocolate to be found...so we used white cake. It was a little gray, but tasted the same!

Enjoy!

Things I'm grateful for today:
- My boss is gone so I feel a teeny bit less pressure to work my tail off
- I get to go volunteer tonight and make a difference in some people's lives
- I also get to see some of my favorite people at Book Club

New Outlook

I've been reading another blog where the blogger writes the things she's grateful for at the end of each entry. I am planning on starting that so even when I'm down about the outcome of a cycle, I can remember there are things to be happy about.

That said, I'm pretty sure the cycle is over. I'm starting to feel crampy and bloaty, just like I do just about every 8 dpo. So I'm guessing we're onto cycle #9.

My grateful thoughts:
- I'm grateful that I have a job in this tough economy. I'm very frustrated by it right now, but I'm so glad I have it and that DH and I aren't struggling financially.
- I'm grateful that it's Beat M*ch*g*n Week! Go Bucks!
- I'm grateful that I have a great support system of women who truly care about me (thanks for all the awesome comments, ladies!)

Progress

Apparently my mind is making progress. I was starting to think I'd be in this rut forever.

As far as TTC is concerned, I had quite the breakthrough last week. I think I've finally realized that I CANNOT control everything. Really. No, REALLY. Yes, there are things that I can do to improve our chances, but if that sperm doesn't meet the egg, there's no way we can conceive. And I CAN'T control whether that happens.

My trying to control everything and give us the best shot possible to conceive has begun to become a drain on my sanity. And I can't allow that to happen any longer. So I'm not. Yes, I'll still chart and use the CBEFM, but if I forget to take a supplement, I'm not going to beat myself up. And if I want to do strenuous exercise during the 2ww, I will. I can't keep avoiding exercise and alcohol and ibuprofen and still live my life. I will continue to take my vitamins and the supplements to aid my CM production. If I take the B6, great, but if not, it will be okay.

So I'm happy about where my mind is at with that. For now. I realize I've had this revelation before...but I keep trying to return to it and I think I've found a good place now. Heck, I'm 6 DPO and haven't really thought about it much at all.

Yesterday was also a breakthrough for my weight loss. I went to JCPenney b/c they were having a great sale and I had a coupon (and you all know how much I love a deal!). There was a sweater I had seen previously that I wanted to get and I discovered a lot of clearance deals as well. I gathered about 15 items and made my way to the dressing room. I tried on quite a bit of things...but almost everything was too big! Woohoo! I was horribly nervous to shop in the Misses section, but apparently I didn't need to be. I'm officially in 14s, even in pants! Woohoo! So I got two pairs of dress pants, a button-up dress shirt, and the sweater for $40.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, before yesterday, I apparently thought I was a bit bigger than I am. And I'm finally realizing that this really is happening--I really am getting smaller. I still feel like a cow next to these silly college students prancing around, but find that some things are SO much easier now, including finding clothes :) I still visited the Women's section, but couldn't find anything to wear. 1X shirts are way too big and even regular XL are getting to be too big. Wow. I don't remember the last time I wore a Large or a 14. Heck, I even tried on a pair of jeans in 12 and they were darn close to fitting! They buttoned, but the thighs were a bit tight.

I'm in a good place right now :)

Two big things

No time to write, but wanted to post a couple of quick updates:

I'm pretty sure I Oed. Don't think my temps have ever been above 98 without Oing, so that's good. Don't know how good of one it was. Temps were slow to rise and my boobs don't hurt like they usually do (which I'm guessing is a sign of higher progesterone). But I did. I think it was on Tuesday--or maybe very early Wednesday, as my temp Wednesday wasn't spectacular.

Second--I eked my way into the 180s last night :D Weighed in a 189.6. Woot! My goal was to make it to 180 by Christmas and I might actually get close (typically average about a pound a week).

Pleasantly surprised...

....but only cautiously optimistic.

Woke up this morning expecting to POAS and get either another High or get a Low and be done with the monitor for this cycle. Well, I'm done with the monitor, but that's because I got a Peak! I know this still doesn't necessarily mean I'll O, but it means I'm having an LH surge and my body is trying to O.

I'm trying to stay as low-key as possible today. I'm going to try to do some meditation throughout the day and stay as low-stress as I can so hopefully O does come tomorrow (good timing, too, that we have a day off tomorrow--I can lay on my back with my legs up over my head for as long as I want). LOL

And the first thing I said when I saw that Peak was "Thank You" to God. I don't know why this was part of His plan, but it was--and I'm grateful.

Anovulatory, part 2

I'm sad. Yes, having an anovulatory cycle happens to everyone, whether they realize it or not. But when you're TTC. No, wait. When you're been TTC for 8 months, every month counts. This feels like a waste of a month. A waste of time spent waiting for O, waiting for that small window of availability to conceive a child. And when there is no window, it feels like you're waiting for nothing. And I feel lost right now, knowing that if I don't O, there's no chance for us this cycle. And that sucks.

Of course I do know I could just O late. But my week last week was horrible and stressful and I am sure it impeded my Oing, but who is to say that next week won't be horrible? And every week after that? We're getting into the busy season at work and that means more and more stress. Whether I want it to impact my life outside of work or not, it is, because it's impacting my body. So what do I do? How do I relax? I thought my evenings were pretty relaxing. I had volunteering, had a taste test, did some shopping, hung out with DH...spent my evenings doing things that I wanted to do. But apparently those 9 hours during the day where I'm at work just took over and impacted my life more than any amount of evening relaxing can repair.

This feels lot like getting a BFN at 9dpo. I allow myself to get sad about it, even though I know it's probably too early to really know for sure, thinking that, by getting sad now, I'm somehow protecting myself from when AF will start. But it never works. I still get my hopes up as AF approaches that maybe she just won't show. So here I am, getting myself all worked up and sad about not ovulating this cycle, when it could still happen. And as I allow myself to get sad right now, I'm hoping this will protect me when I realize that ovulation really isn't coming this cycle...but it won't work. So I'm going to try to pick myself up and keep hoping for ovulation, even if it's late, because I have to. If I don't, I'll just make my life even more miserable.

Follow Up to Yesterday

This could very well be an anovulatory cycle. *sigh* Just reminds me that it's not up to me. I think I have some OPKs downstairs that I might get out to start using so I don't waste the sticks on the CBEFM. My temps are just weird, getting a High reading on CBEFM for longer than normal, my bbs still aren't sore (they typically are by this point). I know it can still happen, but I think I'm going to give up hope at this point in the cycle. That way if I O, I'm pleasantly surprised (DH and I will still BD every other day for a little while), but I'm mentally prepared.

No O?

After getting all super-confident that my body was going to be crazy-regular, here I am doubting my body once again. I'm at CD 13 with a CD 14 O, typically. No Peak on the monitor. My temps have been all sorts of crazy since I started temping this cycle (CD 8). Usually my pre-O temps are down around 97.5...but the last few days they've been around 97.7, with CD 8 even being 97.9.

Yes, I think I started coming down with a cold last Sunday (CD 7) and I know sickness can affect temps and O date, but damn. We had a plan. LOL Even as I type that, I laugh at myself. I guess I just keep learning that it's not about OUR plan...it's about God's plan. *sigh* I thought I was coming closer to coming to terms with that, but I'm not sure that's true. I'm a work in progress, I suppose.

So now it's just a waiting game. The plan was to BD only the day after the first Peak, but now I'm thinking maybe we should BD every other day until we get the Peak. Plus I've heard quite a few stories about conceiving with a cold b/c it enhances the CM (Enhances? Did I really just use that work about cervical mucus?????).

---------------
ETA:

I had forgotten to mention that my CP (cervical position) was all over the place and definitely pretty low yesterday, making me think that maybe I'm not going to O. Well, today it's definitely high--to the point where I had a hard time finding it. So I guess O is probably on its way. Now just to figure out if it'll come tomorrow or Monday...always a guessing game. :D

It might be working :)

All these drugs and supplements and everything might finally be working :) No real further details needed--just the relief of knowing that is really comforting.

And I got a High on the monitor on Monday, which was totally unexpected. But oh well--I assume I'll still get a Peak on Saturday. Maybe we'll BD tonight and Friday and just abstain on the day of the Peak so we get a good shot on O day. :D I'm not sure it matters, but what the hell...we've got to try something!!!

Feelings

I'm at the ILs right now. I always have lots of mixed feelings being here and this trip is no different. I don't know that I will ever get used to the dynamic of this family. I'm an only child and very used to being the center of attention, but I don't think that's all of it. It's honestly the feeling like I don't matter and I don't know if it's because I'm just the DIL or if it's because I'm married to the "pleaser" of the family. Either way, it hurts my feelings. MIL makes breakfast for everyone else. I don't like what she makes every time (it's always the same thing), so I typically go hungry until someone points out that I don't like it. Then MIL offers to make something...but after me being part of this famiy for 7 years, don't you think she'd notice that I don't like something (yes, I can get off my ass and make something myself, but there's nothing here that I'd prefer to eat--I suppose next time I need to bring my lite bread, spray butter, etc.--if she were making it, I would eat it even if it were healthy, but if I have to make it myself, I'm not making myself something completely unhealthy, knowing we're eating like crap for the remainder of the day)? I'm sure it's hard pleasing now 6 kids (three brothers with three significant others), but there are only 4 of us around most of the time, plus my niece. Of course, though, the niece comes first. When she's sleeping, we all have to be quiet. But when we're sleeping, of course she can run wild. MIL got woken up this morning at 6 by the dog. Her own damn dog. And she's bitching about it. But the niece wakes DH and me up well before I'd like to be up, haven't said a damn thing, but I'm exhausted. We're not doing this during Christmas. If this is the way it's going to be we'll either get a hotel or we'll not come up until Christmas Eve. I'm putting my foot down--I will NOT be this exhausted during my week off. It's not like we get a whole 2 weeks off (like BIL and SIL....). No, the only time we get off will be spent away from our home and I refuse to be exhausted when we get back to work because we didn't get any sleep.

Then add to all this frustration my own frustration with our inability to get pg (I'm having a hard time even writing the word right now). I look at my niece and adore her to pieces, but she's not my own. I imagined that we would be very pg by this point and the MIL would give a shit about me for once because I would be giving her another grandchild, but no...I'm still sleeping in the basement, listening to the kid scream and stomp above me.

There are so many things I wonder about the future and being here. When (yes....WHEN) I'm pg, will I get treated like the princess my SIL did? Will I get a good bed, without the sogginess, at a normal temperature, without a child running around above me? Will I ever get to eat things I like to eat? When we have a child, will they be loved as much as my niece? What happens when both kids are here? How will MIL choose? (I have a feeling I know the answer to this one)

Ah well, I suppose I should go act sociable, even though I'm exhausted and moody and grumpy and just want to go back to sleep (and yes, this is my excuse for sounding like a spoiled little brat--I'm honestly not sure I want to publish this post and have everyone know how whiny I'm being...but oh well--I have to get it out and it seems silly to write an entire post and not publish it).

Verge of a Breakdown

Here I am, minding my own damn business, working my ass off (having just gotten yelled at by the boss for being way behind on this work that I couldn't get done if I worked 12 hours a day), supposed to be getting help from everyone....and I can't focus and am blogging because there's a baby. In my office. Squealing, crying, whatever...with everyone ogling, giggling, oohing, and ahing...and I'm about to go crazy. I love babies. No, correction: I love babies that belong to people I know. But this is some random person's baby. Interrupting my damn work that I'm struggling to get done. That I'm supposed to be getting help on from people that are busy with the baby. And I want MY baby. I want a baby for people to ooh and ah at. I want MY baby to interrupt other people's work.

Ugh. I'm not normally this bitter. But today I am. Probably because of the stupid stress at work. Because I'm taking the brunt of this stuff not getting done even though it's because the people that are supposed to be helping aren't.

I hope the coworker doesn't read this and get upset. She might. No reason to get upset--it's just me venting and being upset about a baby. But I'm still posting because I have to get this off my chest.

Girl Time

Last night I went out to happy hour (or happy hourS, as DH called it) with some fabulous ladies. The group was centered around getting those of us TTC out to relax and commiserate. We met up at Applebee's and just hung out and it was fantastic. I am so incredibly glad I went. I don't have a ton of close female friends and I just love meeting new people--especially women who share common interests.

We had two "tag-alongs", who were ladies who I think were just trying to learn more of the things we've discovered through our TTC time--charting, body changes throughout the cycle, etc. We were happy to have them :)

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who were there. I really enjoyed getting out of the house, kicking back, and having some good girl time with some fantastic women. I hope we do it again very, very soon!

God's Will

Last night as we were going to sleep, DH and I were watching 17 Kids and Counting, the show about the Duggars, a family with 17 kids and one on the way. They're deeply religious and talk a lot about how they keep having children because it's God's will and He will stop giving them children when He is ready.

I'm sure they believe the converse--if you aren't meant to have children, God won't give you any. I'm guessing they don't believe in fertility treatments or, really, doing much of anything to improve the odds of getting pregnant.

Since I am trying to get reacquainted with God and have a better relationship with Him, I've given this a lot of thought. I just refuse to believe that it's in God's will for DH and me to not have children. I KNOW we will be great parents when our time comes. I do believe that it's in the realm of possibility that He just wants us to wait awhile and be patient and that's what I'm trying to accept in my heart, but I just cannot believe that the loving God that I know would want my wonderful, giving, loving husband to not be able to father children of his own or for me to not be a mother.

All that said, I believe it will happen in His time, not ours. Yes, we can do all kinds of things to improve our odds of conceiving. We can take all the supplements, pee on all sorts of sticks, take temperatures, etc. to be as prepared as possible, but if it's not time, it won't happen. And I, the control freak, am working to accept that. Today, in this moment, I understand that in my heart and I finally accept that we can't control it all. Even if we were to do IVF with ICSI (where sperm are injected into the egg and then embryos are cultivated and put back into my body), we don't have control over whether those embryos implant.

So we'll keep trying. And I'm sure each failure will still hurt, but we're going to do our best to move forward and better ourselves and enjoy the time we are without children so we can be better parents when the time comes.

(Note: I am saying this today...that's not to say that tomorrow I won't be crying again and ready to have a baby NOW. This is a roller coaster, after all...you can't have pitfalls without the uphill.)

Hope

I was letting myself believe.
I was letting myself think that this nauseous feeling in my stomach could be a sign.
I thought maybe, just maybe, these cramps are a bit different than my normal AF cramps.
It felt like my bbs were heavier.
Hell, I had even convinced myself that my normal PMS breakout was b/c I didn't wash my face like I should have (even though I did).
I had been Googling early pregnancy symptoms and reading and thinking that they were things I was feeling.

And then I went to the bathroom. And on that little piece of TP...spotting.

Cycle number 7 is over. Shit.

Just call me Debbie Downer

I have power. I can bring down the tone of a conversation with a single sentence; stop everyone from talking with one word...I am...Debbie Downer. :(

I just feel like I can't be positive. I've tried and tried, but I am having a really hard time not dwelling on the crap-tastic things we've been dealt recently. I don't want to be the one to drag everyone else down--and thoughts like that make me feel like completely retreating. Better to just not show up than show up and be a total downer. Ugh.

I know people have seen me recently and I've been fine. And a lot of the time recently I have been feeling fine. But these last couple of days have really gotten to me. I feel very little hope that things will work out in the near-ish future. I feel pretty sure that we have a long, hard road ahead of us. And I hate it. I would much rather be a positive, upbeat person...but today, in this moment, I can't drag myself out of this rut I've sunken into. Heck, I wonder if I should even bother posting this because I don't want to drag anyone else down, too. But I will, just because getting these feelings and thoughts out of my system have to help in some miniscule way.

Worst part of the month

A lot of people who are TTC say that the two week wait is the worst part of the month. The waiting, the wondering, knowing you can't do anything (really) at this point to change the outcome.

However, for me, there's a worse segment of the month from 9 dpo to about CD 5. I'd rather be sitting wondering for 14 days than to know for sure before I can even test. To be bleeding in some fashion for 11 days. Ugh. I'm tired of this spotting crap. I hate pantiliners and pads and tampons and dealing with all that. Back when my period was about 3 days long, I could handle it. Now I've got 5-6 days of spotting and then a 4-5 day long period. *sigh*

Even if it gets my hopes up, I really hope I don't start spotting tomorrow.

Bloodwork

Just walked down and had my blood drawn for my progesterone test. I had myself all worked up (I'm not a huge fan of needles, even though I used to donate blood once every 2 months) and my anxiety was at full tilt, but I didn't need to be. The phlebotomist was a pro--very quick and painless. Now just waiting for the results. My OB says she should have them by tomorrow and if I don't hear from her tomorrow to give her a call. Hoping that they have them today... :)

And as all of my regular readers probably realize, D-Day is quickly approaching. Today is 7 DPO, which means Wednesday is 9 DPO. We'll see if either a) the B-6 is helping or b) we're pregnant or c) the spot-monster shows on Wednesday. If we get spotting on Wednesday, I'll be asking for a referral to an RE from my OB. I don't think we'll go forth with treatments right away, but I'd like to see what the RE would recommend as far as treatments, timeline, and what the cost of everything would be. Fingers crossed for no spotting Wednesday, even if it does mean false hope (ie. the B-6 helps increase the progesterone and therefore reduces the spotting but I'm still not pg).

On a side note, my temp this morning was 98.45, which is a bit higher than most post-O temps. *shrug* I'm going to temp the rest of the cycle to see when temp drops and what it correlates to.

What to do....

I'm sitting in my house ALONE. And it's weird.

DH and I spend almost every single moment together. We love the same TV shows and love to do a lot of the same things, so when he's not around, I'm a little overwhelmed.

Of course, there are things that I like that he doesn't and honestly that's what is so overwhelming! I've got less than 2 hours to fill...what do I do? Do I try to get to the next level on MarioKart? Do I do some knitting? Do I do some reading? Do I look for some trashy TV that he wouldn't be all that excited about? Do I take a nap? Do I take the time to organize coupons? Do I leave early and go shopping for deals?

I'm currently baking some cupcakes. I'm going to stop by his work around 7:15 to take dinner to him and two of his co-workers. Then I'm headed to Westerville to hang out with some friends, which, hopefully, will be nice and relaxing. When I'm on my way back from Westerville, I'm going to surprise them with chocolate cupcakes.

So I've got plans for the rest of the night...but what do I do now? It's not like I'm lacking for things to do...I just can't decide!!!

It's Friday!

If I make it through this weekend without a cold, I'm going to be really impressed. My throat is starting to hurt already and I feel completely run down. I've got really fun plans for tonight, so I'm hoping just going home and relaxing for a little while will help.

I guess I just want to show all my readers that I do actually have happiness in my life, even though the baby-making stuff makes me so sad so much of the time. And then of course I come in here whining about getting sick. I guess it's b/c I try my best not to whine too much IRL and so you, my readers, get to hear all about it.

Anyway, I'm hoping this is going to be a nice, relaxing weekend. We'll see, though. DH's work has gotten really bad and, without going into too much detail, I might see nearly enough of him this weekend. But we'll see. But I'd like to spend some time with friends as well as DH. I'm definitely going over to a friend's house tonight. Tomorrow I'm hoping some friends will come watch football with us. The rest of the weekend is definitely up in the air, though--we'll see what we end up doing.

Have a happy Friday!

Compliments

Okay, so I love compliments! I love hearing other people tell me how fabulous I am :) For some reason I really need the approval of others to feel better about myself (notice not "good"...just "better").

I'm just realizing, though, that I'm getting lots of compliments and comments about how great I look. I've worked my butt off to lose this weight and I feel good about it. However, I know darn well that no one would be telling me how good I look if they hadn't seen the "before" version of me. No one ever gives this many compliments to a girl who is a size 14. Yes, I'm down from a size 22 to a size 14, but sometimes it just feels like this there's this implied "you look so much better than you used to".

Just my not-so-deep thought for the day.

Alone

Some days (like today, apparently), I feel very alone. I know there are lots and lots of people out there who have been through the same things we are experiencing right now. I also know there are a lot of people who, even though they haven't been through all this, still love and support us and only want the best for us.

Even really knowing all this, I still feel alone. I feel sometimes like I have no one talk to talk to about anything. I feel like I know people who have struggled for YEARS and are still struggling, people who struggled for years and now have babies, people who have "oops" babies, people who haven't ever TTC, people who thought it took a long time in the moment, but only took 3 or 4 cycles...but I don't know anyone in our situation. And because I don't, I feel like no one can really know what we're feeling. I know that's not explicitly true, but it sure feels like it some days (like today).

Some people think we need to move forward with other testing and not waste time while others think we're moving forward with testing too quickly. Some people think we haven't been trying all that long and should just keep at it while others think we should seek the advice of another doctor. And while it doesn't matter to me what other people think--we're doing what's right for us and what our gut tells us is right--it's hard to talk to people when I'm hearing such differing opinions and thoughts. So I sit here feeling alone.

He didn't even buy me dinner...

My date with the dildo-cam is over. Surprisingly, it wasn't all that bad. I was pretty distracted looking at the images on the screen, so I wasn't paying attention to the low-level discomfort. Of course, I'm not sure what I was seeing, but my OB/GYN tried to explain it to me. She showed me my dominant follicle, which was 2 mm--still small, but definitely moving toward ovulation. She said we wouldn't see a truly dominant follicle until I was pre-ovulatory, or 24-48 hours before ovulation. So that probably means I'm about 60ish hours from ovulation, which is what I would have guessed, I think--I should O on Sunday or Monday.

She did find a little bit of fluid on top of my uterus, but said it wasn't a concern b/c it was a small amount and b/c I was pre-ovulatory. *shrug* I guess it can suggest some bad stuff, but she said not to worry about it, so I'm not. :)

Lining looked good (not that I was really able to see it or understand it...).

So it's over and I'm at home, feeling a bit like I was violated. So no BDing tonight for DH. I did reward myself with a homemade caramel and a new shirt from the medical center gift shop.

Hopefully we'll get the SA results soon...we're both pretty uptight and worried about it. My OB/GYN said that if we don't get results in a week to call her office and they'll call the lab about it.

Going to get bloodwork on CD 21 (10/20) to check my progesterone levels and then that will conclude the tests for this cycle and then we just get back to praying (unless, of course, they find something wrong). Well, actually, of course, either way we'll be praying. :)

Privacy

We haven't gotten the results of the SA yet, but I don't know that I'll be posting them until I can figure out if I can make some posts private or something. DH is pretty sensitive about the whole thing plus he's nervous about not knowing who's reading. I think he's most concerned that, because most of the Office of Student Life and many others throughout the university know him personally, someone's wife or someone he works with will read and he doesn't want work associates, as he put it, "knowing about his junk". So if you'd like to know the results, feel free to send me email (I think there's a link on the blog) or post your email address here--as long as I know who is finding out, it's fine--it's those random people out there that we know nothing about that we're both more nervous about.

Thanks for your understanding!!!

Bathrooms

I work in an office--cubicles and everything. However, that office is actually a former classroom. Working in a building that is also used for classes (there are two classrooms on the same floor as my office) has quite a few drawbacks. For one, there are constantly loud students hovering outside our office door.

By far, however, the worst side effect to having students in our building is the bathroom usage.

There is one bathroom on each floor of the building. There's a basement, 1st, 2nd, and 3rd floor and each has their own bathroom. The basement bathroom is a little sketchy. The 1st floor bathroom is used by all the people who come to go on tours through our office. The 3rd floor bathroom is a bit small. Therefore, EVERYONE in our office uses our bathroom. That was most obvious during the summer.

Now, however, there are students in and out of our bathrooms all day long. I know I, personally, prefer to use a bathroom that is clean. With that many people in and out all day, it is impossible to keep it clean.

On top of the cleanliness factor, there are a lot of people in this world that don't seem to understand two concepts of public bathroom usage--not talking on the phone and washing your hands when you're done. I can't even count the number of times I've heard people talking on their phone while using the bathroom. I can't bring myself to get noisy (which is what DH has suggested I do), but do I make sure to flush the toilet while they're on the phone so the other person is painfully aware of where they have chosen to have the conversation.

The worst part is the hand-washing, though. I may be overly clean with my hands, but I also am trying really hard not to get sick. I wash my hands with soap for 1-2 minutes--at least. I would say 3 of 5 people that leave the restroom while I'm in there don't wash their hands. 1 of the remaining 2 only splash a bit of water on their hands. And then they all go and touch the door handle . Ick.

So my co-worker and I have started turning on the water, washing our hands, getting the paper towel using our elbows, then using the paper towel to turn off the water and also using it to open the door. I get a lot of strange looks when walking out of the bathroom holding a paper towel, but it makes me feel a bit cleaner, so oh well--call me neurotic, go ahead :)

The deed is done

DH went this morning for his SA. I was going to buy him some materials for his viewing pleasure, but he pulled out the pictures I gave him for our first anniversary instead :)

So $255 later, we should have results in 3 to 5 days to my OB office.

And he has officially done his part. I hope above hope that it isn't a problem with him. Well, actually, I kind of hope it isn't a problem with either of us. Maybe it's just taking a bit longer for no real reason. Maybe we just need to learn to be patient. Maybe it's a lesson to me that some things just don't come easily.

So next we move onto an u/s. I've got a date this Friday at 3 p.m. with the dildo-cam. Don't worry, we'll use protection.

I should O either this weekend or early next week (tends to fall on either Monday or Tuesday). So you know what this weekend will bring....bow chicka bow bow ;)

You might notice the tone of this is a little more light-hearted. I don't know if it's the 6 months of experience, the high level of stress at work, or the fact that we're moving forward with some testing, but I feel more relaxed this cycle. I don't necessarily feel more hopeful, just less stressed about this.

Co-workers and their babies

My two closest co-workers have kids who are exactly 6 months apart. Their kids are adorable and, most of the time, I'm happy to talk about them and listen to them talk about them.

However, every once in awhile, I just have a hard time dealing with it. I really thought I would have a baby about two years younger than the one co-worker's....but no, that would mean I would need to be pg by now since I would need to be due in February or March.

I also think one of them (if not both) will be trying for baby #2 very soon. And it would make me very sad if they got pg before we did. So I'm always bracing myself for the announcement. I can't let myself think about what it would be like if they announced it...watching them get bigger...nope, got to stop today.

Today it hurts listening to them talk about their kids. It's not their fault in the least. At all. But it just makes me sad and I wanted to put that out there to my readers. Most days I'm okay. Just not today.

It's real

Wow, this is all actually real. It's happening. How weird.

The diagnosis list even says "Unexplained Infertility". Damn. That caught my breath. I still don't think of us as "infertile"...don't know when I will, but 6 months definitely wasn't the cutoff for that...

I told the doctor our situation, told her about all the stuff we've done...and she said that about the only other thing she could recommend would be more sex. Um yeah...I'm tired of sex. But then she started talking about diagnostics and I was SO excited. She didn't try to blow me off or anything. She did tell me that she probably wouldn't recommend taking the plunge into treatments, but that it definitely may be a good idea to run some diagnostics, just to be sure we aren't trying and trying and it won't work on our own.

So the first step is a sperm analysis. I've even got the cup in a little brown bag with me right now. Apparently we can "extract the sample" on our own at home and just maintain it around body temperature (many people I "know" put it between their boobs or something in the car) and turn it into the lab. I'm going to ask DH to call them tomorrow and find out when we can get it done.

Step #2 is an ultrasound. I'm scheduled for an ultrasound at 3 p.m. on 10/10 to make sure I don't have polyps or fibroids. I'm not *that* clear on what these are, but I'll be doing my research on them over the next week and a half. Apparently my boss had 9 pounds of fibroids removed a couple of years ago. Holy hell. She said she could feel them externally, though.

Third step will be running bloodwork around CD 20ish which, for me, will be around October 19th or so. The bloodwork will be checking my progesterone level to confirm ovulation and see what that level is.

If everything else comes out good, the fourth step will be an HSG, which will check to be sure my tubes are clear. I imagine that will be sometime during the next cycle if this one doesn't work.

And I totally agree with the doctor that I don't think I'm ready to start talking about meds and procedures and things...just diagnostics make me feel like we're going somewhere and like we haven't been trying for nothing!

I'm so incredibly happy with my OB/GYN right now...she was very helpful and didn't try the whole "you're young" thing, either...*sigh* So much more relaxed and hopeful now.

And now DH and I have to have a discussion about what to try this cycle. Do I go forth with the next step, Robitussin? lol As if that's a big deal...lol I think I will--but will talk to DH about it.

------
Oh, and Miss S., could you please, if you talk to R., ask him to be discreet? I have no idea how DH feels about this whole SA thing and definitely won't need any teasing about it. ;)

For any of you left...

If there are any of you out there still hoping that this cycle isn't a bust, it officially is. The bitch has arrived in a blaze of....not so much glory. She's just here, is all.

So I'm off to hunt down some ibuprofen (Forget this Tylenol shit. I'll start taking it exclusively if we get pregnant!). Doctor's appointment at 10:50 this morning--hoping she takes me seriously.

Still no acceptance

I thought by the time I was turning 27 I would have some to a little bit of acceptance about the cards I was dealt. Most specifically, I thought I'd be okay-ish with my body. Not so much.

I'm tired of having a body where if I have one bad day and eat more than I should, I hold onto that food for dear life. I'm tired of hearing my co-workers eat and eat and eat (and of course not knowing what they eat at home...) and knowing that I can *only* have a little bit. I've already had 10 points today. I really want to eat this piece of banana bread that a co-worker made. And I'm actually hungry. So I know I should eat, but I'm afraid that it will take me over my points (and I'm afraid I ate into my flex points last night!). *sigh*

I guess these are the trials of anyone who is working on losing weight, but I'm just tired of it. I still feel like my body is much less forgiving than most. But I also know I did it to myself. I stopped eating for too long and my metabolism is all effed up because of it. But damnit, it's been 10 years! Shouldn't my body be tired of carrying around this extra weight and just want to get rid of it?

Tag! I'm it?!??!

I've been tagged again :) I was tagged by hopeful #1 over at Happy Hopefuls to list 8 random things about me. I was also tagged by Erin at Baby Fat to list 7 random things about me! Hopefully this can be a 2-fer :)

1) I love giraffes. I have no idea why, but they're my favorite animal. And I used to have this poster and adore it--it still makes me all sappy.



2) I was part of The Best Damn Band in the Land for five years. However, what a lot of people don't know is that I was an alternate my entire first year. This means I didn't get to march the ramp entrance until the beginning of my second year. It wasn't much fun, but I think it made me appreciate the marching I did get to do much, much more.

3) My first car (bought by my parents, though) was a 1991 Chevy Cavalier.

This wasn't the exact car--it looked a lot like this but was light blue. The thing I hated most about the car was the fact that it didn't have intermittent wipers. lol

4) I'm an avid chair dancer. No pictures needed. :) It keeps me energetic and cheers me up sometimes. I dance at work and in the car.

5) I can pick things up with my toes. I had a totally random picture of my toes that I can't seem to find...which is probably just as well :)

6) I married a prize-winning horse:

Not really, of course....I was actually posting this b/c I wanted to show off the bouquets that we made for my wedding. :)

See, these are the beautiful girls holding them:

7) This is a before picture:

Unfortunately, I don't have an after picture. But I LOVE soft pretzels. And I love to peel off the skin...then eat the skin...and smoosh together all the insides until it's a ball of dough. Once all the skin is gone, then I eat the insides. I take apart a whole lot of my food, too. Like Reese's Cups!:



8) I placed 2nd in a spelling bee in 3rd grade. :( This is really depressing because I'm a great speller normally! However, I was up against the boy I had a crush on and got nervous. And mispelled....are you ready for it???? SNACK! Yup, the fat girl mispelled snack. Ugh. I spelled it S-N-A-K. LOL!!!

And now I need to tag some people...(*runs off to look at Google reader*)

1. Danica at Accidental Single Girl

2. Manday at Life Without Dragons

3. RooManda at The Roo(ette) Zoo

4. Andrea at Tender Loving Lair

5. Kim at A Golfer and a Girl

6. R. at We Are the Ferraris

7. Amy at Pint Glasses and Sippy Cups

8. Sarah at TBDBITL OT

Picking up the pieces and moving on

Yesterday was really rough. Lots and lots of crying. Felt absolutely defeated. Felt like giving up.

I think it roots from me looking to 6 cycles of trying as some sort of a deadline. As if after 6 cycles there's something different. I also knew if it took 6 cycles I would be talking to my doctor. So now here we are. 6 cycles down....who knows how many to go.


So now we're just working on formulating a plan for next cycle. Do we try the Fertile CM stuff that one of the commenters suggested? How about the Robitussin? Is the problem even in me? What if I've been doing all these things for my body only to have the "issue" actually be with DH?

Well, step #1 has been completed. I called the doctor this morning and made an appointment for next Tuesday, the day AF will probably show (either Tuesday or Wednesday...haven't figured out if 13 or 14 day LP is more prevalent for my body). I'll ask her about how to go about getting a SA for DH. I think I have probable cause for requesting one...he was born underdeveloped and it's possible that in his prematurity his sperm may not be as good quality as we would like. The other questions will be harder...I have a feeling she's going to tell me to relax about stuff. But that's really hard when I KNOW when I'm ovulating and know we have perfect timing every damn month. I'm taking supplements out the wazoo and putting freaking plastic caps over my cervix to hold the sperm in. I have NO idea how much more I can do (besides different meds, of course, and more invasive procedures).

So we move forward. We look at all the options. I'll report back what we decide. We'll definitely keep using the CBEFM, the PreSeed, temping...may increase the Vitamin B6. May start on the Robitussin. May keep up with the Green Tea. We'll see. Right now I just wish AF would come and get it over with. I know she's on her way--what's the point in waiting now?

Today will be better. And tomorrow even better than today. When do I get to get off this roller coaster?

And..............

I'm spotting. Of course. Right on schedule.

I hurt all over.

Knees? Check.

Tummy? Check.

Head? Check.

Heart? Oh yeah.

I feel even more crampy today...have totally convinced myself that this isn't it. And that really frustrates me. I'd like to have some hope, I really would. Of course, the truth will come out when I go to the bathroom today. Every single time I'll be looking for the telltale spotting. And if it doesn't show...then the hope might creep back in.

I swore I wasn't going to keep track of symptoms, but I notice them, so why not write them down? These are between yesterday and today (most are consistent between the two days).

Nausea
Headache
Achy knees
Light period-like cramping
Achy thighs (like when I have period cramps)
Extra CM
High, soft cervix

Today is 9 dpo. If the spotting doesn't show today or tomorrow, I'll test on Saturday, which will be 11 dpo.

I hate the wait! I can handle the first week of the 2ww, but this last week is killer...especially with trying the B6, which hopefully will stave off the spotting, which is my telltale sign that AF is coming.

In weight loss news....

So last week I had a horrible WW week. Gained over 2 pounds. Ick.

Well as of last night I'm seeing a loss of at least 6 pounds since last week. WTF? I guess the gain could be water weight. Who knows.

But the best news is that yesterday morning I saw 189.6!!!! Not only below 200, but below 190! Wow. What an awesome reward to the hard work I put in. Will update the ticker tonight after my WW meeting with my official WW weight.

I was doing so well...

For seven days now I've been doing a great job of not overanalyzing every little thing I feel. I've taken everything in stride and just sort of taken note when my boobs were achy or tingly or whatever.

Until today.

I got up this morning with light period-like cramps. Most definitions I've read of implantation cramps have said that they're sharper, stabbing pains. So, of course, my "friend" Google and I went searching for what these period-like cramps could be. And, of course, I found lots of places where people talked about these type of cramps at 8 dpo who then went on to get a BFP.

Then, on my way to work, I started getting a headache and nauseous.

I just re-visited Google and searched for people who had period-like cramps at 8 dpo but got a BFN. And couldn't find any. Great. Just get my hopes up a little more, wouldja?

This is going to be a long couple of days...

Tomorrow is D-day. As in, the day I have started spotting for the last 4 cycles. If there's no spotting tomorrow that at least means the B6 is doing part of its job. No, it still doesn't mean I'm pg, but at least I'll know the B6 is doing something. I know I shouldn't, but I'll probably test at 10dpo if no spotting tomorrow. If these are implantation cramps, then my HcG should be high enough by Friday to register on a stick, I think.

Damn it...I think I liked it better when I didn't have much hope.....

The things we do...

So far in order to make a baby, we've tried....

• Pre-natals (had to quit those b/c they were making me nauseous)
• Flintstone vitamins (still take them daily)
• Temping (did it every day from the beginning of the year for almost exactly 6 months...still do it for about 10-15 days per month. This means waking up at 6:15 every single morning to stick the thermometer in my mouth)
• OPKs (used OPKs during May cycle)
• CBEFM (have been using since June cycle--I'm getting good at POAS. Used a few times away from home, which means dragging monitor to the restroom for FMU and being discreet with disposing of sticks)
• Pineapple (tried during a couple of cycles--the core is supposed to have bromelain in it, which is supposed to help with implantation)
• B6 supplements with B super complex vitamin (started at the beginning of this cycle--makes me nauseous, gassy, and acid-y every once in awhile, but not if I take it in the middle of dinner and took it the night before)
• Timing BDing (of course)
• Pre-Seed (a sperm-friendly lubricant which is supposed to simulate CM)
• Laying down for at least 45 minutes after BDing
• Elevating hips
• Legs in the air
• And finally....a conception cap (a friend sent them to me b/c she ended up not needing them! Scary, yes...but we'll see if it was worth it! If it didn't work this cycle, we'll try it again next cycle with a more voluminous "sample" from DH--it was his 3rd "sample" in 24 hours...I assumed I'd O on 1st Peak day, but didn't until 2nd Peak day)
  
  So yeah, if this kid ever claims we didn't want him or her, I just might show them this list.

Guess what I'm wearing

And no, this isn't the beginning of some erotic post.... What I'm meaning to announce is that I'm finally wearing size 14 again! I was wearing a 12 when I graduated HS (maybe actually a 10, but I never bought any besides my prom dress), so maybe I'm getting sort of close! I have a feeling I'll be in 14s for a long time since my thighs will have to slim down considerably before I can fit into 12s and not look like a sausage casing stuff too full. But I still feel really good about myself!

Relatedly, for those who have been following my weight ticker recently, I gained this week...it was bad. Gained 2.4, actually. Ugh. The most frustrating part is that I was exceptionally good. We were at some friends' house, so I had little control over what I was eating. I had a salad when we went out Friday night with grilled chicken and very little dressing. I even didn't eat the shell to the salad (it was one of those deep-fried taco-salad type of bowls). I was proud. The next day I had a 4-point breakfast (cereal), a small lunch (ham sandwich), and avoided an Italian dip they had b/c I was sure it was made with full-fat cream cheese and full-fat mozzarella and know it was served with full-fat crackers. It killed me not to dig into that. And it actually made me a little pissy.

I was doing all this so I could indulge in a bratwurst. I hadn't had one in a really long time, but found that some aren't *that* bad. I tried filling up on fruit along with my bratwurst and then just sampling some of the goodies that we had. But as the Buckeyes didn't do so well, my diet took a hit as well. I indulged in way too much fruit pizza (I always love that shit)...but still don't think I used *too* many flex points.

So then Sunday was my family reunion. I had a McDonald's fruit & yogurt for breakfast, ate very small portions of everything at the reunion (was still overly full), then had a grilled chicken sandwich for dinner.

Monday night SIL and BIL invited us over for dinner. We have FF hot dogs (1 point apiece) and light potato chips. But then their other friends brought puppy chow. Damn, I love that stuff. I probably took a little too much of it, too.

Okay, so I overate some, but really, 2.4 pounds???? Ridiculous.

So now I've been weighing myself this weekend (as I always do--I'm fascinated by the natural fluctuation of weight) and since my meeting Wednesday night, as of last night, I have lost over 4 pounds. Who knows if that will hold. If it does, it sounds like my gain last week was mostly water weight from all the sodium. Or someting like that.

Either way, in the mornings I'm now seeing 190.4. Wow. Almost to the 180s???? How exciting! I am starting to feel like I should take a pic of the scale so my OB believes me when I tell her "no, really, I was down around 190 when I got pg!" lol The last time she saw me, I think I was still around 225. I don't remember--it's somewhere in my blog. But I dont' want to jinx myself, so I won't, but I will once we get a BFP!!!

Exhausted!

What a weekend!

Left town pretty much right after work on Friday and drove 2 1/2 hours to Cleveland to hang out. Went out to dinner, hung out, went to bed. DH and I were then kept up almost all night by their cat who sat outside our door meowing all night long.

Got up, went to Costco to look for healthier food (got some strawberries) and propane. Got the food, no propane. Drove all over town looking for propane--apparently they're not allowed to sell in that suburb. So we ended up at a BP. Went back to the house to watch some football. Went shopping with a friend, returned to find our other friends there! Ate good food, watched bad football. Late night.

Got up early to get back in the car. Said goodbye to friends and got in the car. Drove 3 1/2 hours to my parents' house for a family reunion. Went inside, loaded up mom's car, got back in the car and rode another 1/2 hour to the reunion. Hung out at reunion--had a great time. Got back in the car, rode 1/2 hour to Walmart. Ran in and bought a cord to transfer files from parents' old computer to new computer. Back in car to drive to parents' house. Went in, started messing with computer. Power goes out. Damn. Sit around dining room table and play Hands and Feet (a card game). Game over, DH and Dad win. Still no power. Went and sat on deck and watched the wind blow (it was blocked by the house, so we didn't blow anywhere). About 7 p.m., still no power, DH and I need to get home. Get in car for 1 hour drive home, blowing all over the highway. Got to our exit--there's power! Tried to get Wendy's, but waited through 5 light cycles and gave up. Went to McDonald's. Long line, but got out pretty quickly. Went home. Pitch black. Found flashlights and candles, inspected damage (there wasn't much), DH dragged the futon mattress up from the basement, took battery out of scale to put in clock radio and listen to the Browns game. Power came on around midnight.

Alarm went off at 6. Time to start the day. *yawn* What a long weekend that seemed too short!

One thing to say...

Go Bucks!

May tonight not be nearly as bad as I fear... (sorry, feeling a bit pessimistic right now)

B6 Update

Yes, it's only been a few days, but I already have an update on the B6.

I started taking both the B6 and the B supercomplex vitamins last week (today is CD 6--I waited until AF showed to start it). Since I have problems with vitamins sometimes, I need to take the pill with my dinner. So the first night (CD 2) I forgot and took it after dinner with a slice of bread. I also didn't take my normal Zantac that night (it's for allergies...at least that's why I started it). The next day I had horrible acid and nausea. Yuck. So I took my Zantac that morning and took the pills in the middle of dinner that night and all was well the next day. I forgot to take it the next night (CD 4) and remembered again last night. I got it ready and had it sitting next to me during dinner...and still forgot until I'd eaten it all. So I took the pills immediately following dinner. And today I've felt horribly bloated and slightly nauseous. Yuck.

I have no idea how long this is going to last. I don't think I'm going to feel much like BDing if I keep feeling all bloated and gross if I don't take the vitamin in the middle of dinner. This is ridiculous. There was food in my stomach already--shouldn't that be enough? Is this vitamin really going to make that much of a difference anyway? All I'm hoping it will do is reduce the amount of spotting I have before AF...maybe that isn't causing any problems anyway. Who knows.

Post #100!

I've been trying to come up with something really clever to post for post #100, but I can't come up with anything. Shows how clever I am.

So what I really want to say is thank you. Thank you to those of you out there who have shown your support and love through comments and emails and just by reading my blog. Knowing that you're all out there, listening, makes me feel better than you can ever imagine. And sometimes that's just the push I need to get through the day. So thank you.

And now that the pressure for a great post #100 is gone, I'm going to get back to my regularly scheduled whining. ;)

She's heeeerrrre.

Well la di freakin' da. She's here. Onto cycle #6. Stupid bitch.

I realized today how many things I imagined would happen while I was pregnant. I thought I'd be pregnant for football season (not a big drinker, so that doesn't matter much to me). I thought I'd be pregnant by my birthday (we'll find out the results of cycle #6 two days before my birthday). I thought I'd be noticeably pregnant by the holidays. I thought I'd be pregnant by bowl season (if we were to go to a bowl I would have to think about travelling while pregnant).

So now I'm looking forward to some of the things on my calendar and not really thinking about whether I'll be pregnant by then. Next weekend we're going to Cleveland for a house-warming party and to watch the USC game (yes, next weekend...CD 10-12...there's something oh so romantic about conceiving your child on an air mattress on the floor of a friend's guest bedroom). I have book club on September 23rd. My birthday is October 3rd. I'm hosting a Tupperware party on October 16th. We're going to an away football game in November. Then the holidays...I have a hard time imagining getting through those not pregnant.

So I guess cycle #6 is just going to have to work. Going to take my B6 vitamin now.

Oh, and I need to come up with a good post for my next one since it's post #100!!

Waiting....

Of COURSE I know she's coming...but that becomes less and less evident every passing hour that she doesn't show.

I was thinking, though, I'm cramping like she's coming. If, by some miracle, she didn't show, wouldn't that be bad news anyway?

Eh, I'm sure she'll show right around lunchtime...will either post when she does show or post results of POAS.

Stupid AF

The bitch just needs to get the hell here. I know she's coming, so what is she waiting for? The longer she waits, the more I start to think that maybe I *could* be one of "those" women who are sure AF is on her way and then get a BFP. And then that just means more heartbreak for me when she does show. I'm definitely crampy...have been spotting for 5 days...today is 14 dpo (my LP is usually 13-14 days)...so I know she's coming. But damn I still want to believe and get my hopes up, which only leads to more tears and frustration and sadness when she does show.

Stupid bitch.

It hurt to laugh

Yup, you read it right. I was just walking back from the bathroom (where, of course, my TP was tinted brown...) and was talking and joking with a co-worker as I passed her. And as soon as she passed, tears welled up in my eyes and it took everything inside me not to cry right then and there. My heart just hurts so badly...first bad news from my friend Kristen, then this.

Another failed cycle seems to be in our future. And I just don't know how to handle it. I try to just mourn it for a little while and then try to see the good in it, but I'm having a harder and harder time doing that the more it happens. I know 5 failed cycles doesn't seem like all that much to a lot of people, but that doesn't make it any easier. I still feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest.

And many of you will think "don't give up hope yet", but I'm having a really hard time with that, knowing my body and the fact that spotting at 9 dpo (tomorrow) means AF is on her way (in 4-5 days...ugh). And, really, what's the point in holding onto the hope? Why mourn later when I can just get it out of the way right now?

A friend asked me if my spotting so early was normal. I started reading online (I know, I know...) that spotting that early could be a sign of a luteal phase defect (LPD). I had no idea. So I'm thinking about getting some B6 for next cycle. But that just leads me back to my whole "letting go" thing. What does God really have in store for me? He's given me free will to do whatever I want...and he put whoever isolated this vitamin here on the earth...so should I take it? What if I keep just letting Him do whatever is His will and never ask a doctor or try any fixes? Will I be childless forever? At what point can I take it into my own hands and not be defying God? What a confusing, exhausting thought process.

I thought I was okay

..but now I'm not so sure. 8 dpo and I'm now back to overanalyzing every single thing. I guess I'm having a harder time letting go than I thought. Of course, I do realize that I can't control anything, but I'm listening to my body like crazy (and not of my own will), trying to decipher every pang and everything going on. I'm tired. I'm totally tired of doing this, but my being overly aware of my body isn't something I feel like I can control--I try not to think about it and I try to think about everything else...but it just isn't working today.

It doesn't help that some of the women on a local message board are posting about how they thought AF was on her way the cycle they got their BFP. It would just be easier for me to be let down when I see the spotting tomorrow than to keep believing it could happen. Good thing I'm not a huge drinker, because once the spotting starts I could go on a bender...lol!!! Right!

For those of you reading and thinking I'm being negative...I'm really not. I still have SO much hope in my heart that this could be the cycle, but I'm trying to be realistic and guard my heart so I don't feel so much pain when I realize that this isn't the cycle.

At 8 dpo I'm feeling some very sporadic pains in my lower right and lower left quadrants (one lasted for awhile right around where my leg and torso meet). No breast tenderness. Some heartburn last night and this morning. Right now I feel like I've got a lump in my tummy in the upper left quadrant, but I know that has nothing to do with it...still doesn't keep me from thinking about it. Oh, and I'm breaking out on my chin like I always do this time of the month.

So I say this prayer: God, please let this be the cycle. Yes, I realize that whatever happens is Your will and I will do my best to accept it and find the good in it. I know You will be there for me no matter what the outcome and I know there is a reason behind everything. But please let this be it. Amen.

New Layout!

How do you like the new layout? I thought it was cute. I normally read everyone's blogs on Google Reader, so I don't get to enjoy the layouts. I stole the source from another Nestie. It's from LeeLou Blogs. Let me know if you have any comments about it :)

6 dpo...and still overanalyzing

Have I ever said how much I hate the 2ww? 'Cause I do. Yup. HATE IT.

I'm 6 dpo today. Pretty much the absolute earliest that someone could have implantation. Yet for the last 24 hours I've been analyzing every twinge I feel.

I'm still trying very hard to just let go and let God take care of everything, but the control freak in me has a really hard time with that. So I think most of the time I'm doing a pretty good job, but any normal pang I feel, I start to think about what it could be.

I'm trying to come up with stuff DH and I could do in the evenings to help me take my mind off of it all...but I come up with nothing. Eating decisions just stress me out, so going out to eat wouldn't do it. Now that the Olympics is done, I suppose we could go back to playing Wii more often... :) Gotta find something, because as much as I want to "just relax" and let go, I can't help but wonder what's going on in there!

Well, I should know by sometime Thursday, which is 9 dpo and when my spotting normally starts. If the spotting doesn't start, then I'll probably test on Saturday morning, 11 dpo. Keep fingers crossed!!!!

Learning

I received the following comment on one of my recent posts:

I am glad to see your updates...b/c honestly you're blogging has taught me tons, so when it wasn't there, I was missin' it..

This made me feel so good--thanks, Amy! So, I thought I'd add a post welcoming ANY questions that anyone has about TTC or even just about me. I'm an open book and am very, very happy that this blog is serving a purpose other than just a place for me to vent!

I have spent a bit of time learning about TTC over the last year or so. I started out lurking on Babies on the Brain, a board on The Nest. After awhile, I felt like I had a good handle on things, so I started lurking elsewhere. I ended up finding the Trouble Trying to Conceive board and have learned a TON of things about fertility treatments there, which, in turn has taught me a lot of general TTC things. I ended up reading Taking Charge of Your Ferility, as well, to learn a lot about charting. Then I started charting back in December 2007 and have learned a lot about my own body and my body's tendencies from there.

I drove by myself to work today. This is significant because that means I wasn't chatting with DH on the drive and it gave me time to think. More specifically, it gave me time to pray. I haven't prayed regularly in a loooong time, but have been making a point to do it whenever I'm in the car alone. I prayed for all the people I know who are sick or hurting (emotionally and physically) and then took the time to thank God for my fortunes. All that then led me to start considering why I ended up lurking on the TTTC board and why I was drawn there. I decided that it could be one of four reasons. Either 1) God wanted to help me inform myself about TTC, 2) God wanted to prepare me for something to come in my future, 3) God wanted to make me a better friend to the people I know who are going through/have gone through fertility treatments or 4) God wanted to help me appreciate the fact that it's only been 4 failed cycles for us. Only time will tell which (if not all of these) will be true, but it really gave me something to think about (and pray about).

No O yet

DH and I worked damn hard yesterday...only to have no O yesterday. Which means that today should be the day. But dangit, we tried so hard yesterday! And I have gone off my daily decongestant, thinking that might help my CM. I'm miserable, but trying really hard! We'll try again once more tonight, then that's it--it's all in God's hands!

Off to a work retreat type thingy! Keep fingers crossed for us!!! :)

Quick cycle update

Trying *not* to focus on the cycle, but wanted to post an update for all those wondering (although I'll end up posting on the TTC update on the local board) about where I'm at.

Today is CD 13. The CBEFM started asking me for sticks on CD 7 and I've gotten a low CD 7 through CD 12. Since I Oed CD 15 most cycles, then CD 13 last cycle, I had thought I'd have gotten a High by now! POAS this morning and...Peak! Straight from Low to Peak (any insight on if this means anything special?)! Woot!

Well, you know what Peak means...gotta FWaP. lol I showed DH the monitor and he just started kissing on me...yeah, we were an hour late for work (and no, it doesn't last that long--it's more about the 45 minutes laying down!).

My temp dipped this morning, which typically happens the day before I O, so I'm guessing I'll O sometime this evening. Bring on the 2ww!

I'm trying my best to "just relax" (as much as I hate that advice--how awful) this cycle and let things happen however they will. That's one thing that does seem different to me--I'm not nearly as stressed headed into the 2ww. There's nothing I can do to change anything, so I'm trying not to worry. Actually, in general, I'm really trying not to let TTC take over my entire life. Which is partially why I haven't been blogging as much.

So that's where I am. We should know by the first football game of the season whether we're pg. Not that I'm counting. :)

Just a reminder

I've heard this song lots and lots of times before, but it hadn't really spoken to me until this past weekend. It's got a great funny twist, but it really does remind you that very little in life is permanent--eventually we'll move past this stage and be onto the next, whether for good or for bad.

From my (currently) favorite musical:


Only for now

PRINCETON:Why does everything have to be so hard?
GARY COLEMAN:Maybe you'll never find your purpose.
CHRISTMAS EVE:Lots of people don't.
PRINCETON:But then- I don't know why I'm even alive!
KATE MONSTER:Well, who does, really?Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.
BRIAN:Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.
GARY COLEMAN:Take a breath,Look around,
BRIAN:Swallow your pride,
KATE MONSTER:For now...
BRIAN, KATE, GARY, CHRISTMAS EVE:For now...
NICKY:Nothing lasts,
ROD:Life goes on,
NICKY:Full of surprises.
ROD: You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.
CHRISTMAS EVE:You're going to have to make a few compromises...For now...
TREKKIE MONSTER:For now...
ALL:But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!
LUCY:For now we're healthy.
BRIAN:For now we're employed.
BAD IDEA BEARS:For now we're happy...
KATE MONSTER:If not overjoyed.
PRINCETON:And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now...
GARY COLEMAN:For now...
TREKKIE MONSTER:For now...
KATE MONSTER:For now...
ALL:But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!
Only for now!(For now there's life!)
Only for now!(For now there's love!)
Only for now!(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (For now!)
Only for now!
Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (George Bush!)
Is only for now!
Don't stress,
Relax,
Let life roll off your backs
Except for death and paying taxes,
Everything in life is only for now!
NICKY:Each time you smile...
ALL:...Only for now
KATE MONSTER:It'll only last a while.
ALL:...Only for now
PRINCETON:Life may be scary...
ALL:...Only for now
But it's only temporaryBa-dum ba-dumBa-dum ba-dumBa dum ba-dumBa-da da da daba-da da-da da da-daBa-dum ba-da, ba-dum ba-daohhhh-
PRINCETON:Everything in life is only for now.

Withdrawing

I've received some really personally painful feedback at work, causing me to doubt everything that I stand for and everything that comprises me and my personality. The only way I know how to cope is to withdraw, so I am. You probably won't see me around or hear from me for awhile. I'm hurting a lot and don't want to spread the infectious depression to everyone else. All of you will be in my thoughts and prayers and hopefully by the time I talk to you all again, everyone's lives will be a bit happier.

Tag! I'm it!

I've been tagged by the beautiful Steph, over at Let the Journey Begin

Here are the tag rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you (i.e. me)
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger (me) know when your entry is posted

So, my challenge is to share six random things about myself. I can't promise anything, but here goes!
1) Most people know this one, but I graduated HS (and started college) when I was 16. I started kindergarten at age 4 and then skipped 2nd grade. And I wouldn't change and thing, no matter how estranged I felt from my college roommate when they were going to the clubs and trying to sneak drinks when I would have loved to just get in!
2) My mind works on an average of 3 thoughts at a time. I am usually done thinking something through before the thought makes it out of my mouth and, therefore, confuses the hell out of my DH when I start talking about whatever the original thought made me think of...
3) I'm the most ADD crafter that I know. I love to craft and have the knowledge to: knit, crochet, cross-stitch (counted and stamped), latch hook, sew, make cards, scrapbook, and paint. However, it takes a lot for me to finish a project that doesn't take more than a weekend to complete.
4) I took dance classes from kindergarten all the way through 12th grade. I took the normal combination class for the first few years, learning tap, ballet, and acrobatics, then, when I was 6 (the rest of the class was 7), decided to specialize in jazz.
5) I am a game show junkie. I could watch game shows any day or night. Love them. And I think this is the root of my love of reality shows because, really, what is a reality show besides a game show mixed with human interactions?
6) I'm a slob. There, I've admitted it. I have NEVER been a neat person and have had a really hard time finding the motivation to work on cleaning the house. When DH and I met, he was a neat freak--unfortunately, I've rubbed off on him more than he's rubbed off of me! I could go a LONG time without cleaning much of anything--bathrooms, towels, floors...as long as it's my own grime, I'm pretty okay with it. Yes, it grosses me out, but not enough to make me do anything about it. This is one other thing I'm working on changing by the time a baby enters our life.

So now it's time for me to tag some people:

1) My beautiful friend, Kristen, of I Would Diet For That
2) The fabulous new mommy and great friend, Julie, of Fink Bambino 1.0
3) Fantastic mommy of adorable twin little boys, Meghan, of The Adventures of Tader Baby
4) My great friend, Sarah, of TBDBITL OT
5) VERY new mommy of sweet Millie, Kenzi, of TTC our little Baby T
6) Fantastic crafter extraordinaire, Jan, of Jannypie's Craft Blog

Debbie Downer

I want SO badly to try to not be a Debbie Downer, especially after my celebratory post...but I started spotting today. Which, for my body, means cycle #4 TTC is over. So now I just wait for AF, who should show either Tuesday or Wednesday. And I'm incredibly depressed about this entire thing and have no idea how to get through it. I know it's only been four cycles, so it seems ridiculous to me...so many others make it through SO much more. But I just don't feel that strong right now. Right now I feel like spending the entirety of this weekend on the couch with no distractions, not getting dressed, eating like a pig. But that would really be pathetic. And I'm trying my damnedest not to be pathetic. So I just need to come up with some healthy coping mechanism, besides just being perky and masking my feelings all the time.

Time for Celebration!

I believe I had set myself a goal of being below 200 by the end of July. At one point I thought it would be impossible for me to reach, especially with a gain in the middle of the month.

Well, last night at my last weigh-in of the month, I weighed in at 198.8! So I made it!

Now to work even harder (if that's possible) at achieving that other goal... ;)

Rollercoaster (of love)

Yes, I've been singing the Red Hot Chili Peppers song (and yes, I know someone else sang it first) for the last day or two. I'm on a rollercoaster and it's all because of love. Because I already have so much love for this child that has yet to be conceived. He or she exists in my heart, even if s/he doesn't in my body.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty positive about everything--I have been feeling off-and-on nauseous, bloated...things sort of point to being pg. But today I woke up really just feeling that AF is on her way. I'm crampy like I normally am before AF (although it still seems early). I just have to expect that I'm going to start spotting tomorrow or Friday. So today I'm down again.

It's all very frustrating. I wish I could forget about it until Friday or Saturday, but I can't. Everything my body does, I focus on it. The fact that my mouth has been watering for 2 days (you know, like it does before you throw up), the fact that I've been having breast pain, the fact that I'm bloated, the fact that I was ravenous last night and couldn't stop eating...most people probably don't notice this stuff, but I dwell on it. And I can try to tell myself not to do it, but it doesn't help. *sigh* I try to relax and I try to not think about it, but nothing works. I can focus on my work, but the thoughts about what my body is doing is always in the back of my mind.

Healthy Treats

I've discovered a few healthy-ish treats that I wanted to share with everyone out there trying to watch their weight!

_____________________

Lemon Shake-Up

You've all probably tried the drinks at fairs and festivals. They put an obnoxious amount of sugar into a cup with lemons, ice, and water, shake them up, then hand over the calorie-laden drink. Well, I've found a good way to make them with zero calories!

You'll need:
1 lemon
1/4 to 1/3 c. Splenda
ice
water
martini shaker

1) Squeeze all the juice out of the lemon into the martini shaker.
2) Add the Splenda
3) Add about 8 ice cubes
4) Put lemons into shaker, then fill the shaker with water until about 1 inch from the upper rim.
5) Put lids on shaker and shake the hell out of it.
6) Pour into cup (sometimes the lemon halves don't fit) and enjoy!

__________________________

Pumpkin Ice Cream
From Hungry Girl

Ingredients:
1/2 cup Breyers Double Churn Free Creamy Vanilla fat-free ice cream
1 tbsp. canned pure pumpkin (not pumpkin pie filling)
1/8 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
2 low-fat honey graham crackers (half a sheet), lightly crushed
4 tbsp. Fat Free Reddi-wip

Directions:

1) Place ice cream in a small dessert bowl, and allow it to thaw just slightly (a few minutes).
2) Then stir in the pumpkin and pumpkin pie spice until thoroughly mixed.
3) Place bowl in the freezer for 30 minutes to allow the ice cream to firm up (editor's note: don't freeze too long or you'll never get it out of the bowl!).
4) Then top with the Redd-wip, followed by the crushed graham crackers.
5) Enjoy!

MAKES 1 SERVING (2 pts per serving)

_______________________________

I found a fantastic frozen pizza last night that I've fallen in love with. I got it at Kroger. I don't know about you, but I have a horrible time rationing myself when I'm eating pizza. I'd prefer to eat half a pizza. Well, half of this pizza is still only 480 calories (9 points for you points-counters...it has added fiber)! If you eat only a quarter of it, it's only 4 points per serving! Wow! Unfortunately, I forgot to write down the brand, so I'll have to look and post later. We added mushrooms to it, but you could add any veggies for free added flavor! Oh, and I needed to add a bit of Italian Seasoning to it as well. Yummo!

Everyone Poops....except me (TMI)

Apparently this is a book that is recommended for reading to little kids so they understand some of the natural, normal bodily functions.

Well, they're normal to everyone but me these days.

I've been eating well for awhile now. One thing WW really focuses on is getting lots of fiber (it's a great way to eat more food while counting less points), so I eat a ton of it. I eat whole grains, a bunch of fruit, and veggies. I used to be really regular. So why haven't I pooped but once in the last 7 days?

My mind immediately goes to my 2ww. If I were pg, my body would be increasing the amount of progesterone it produces in able to help sustain the pregnancy. So that, combined with the iron in my Flintstones vitamins that I take daily, could easily be causing the constipation. But I don't want to get my hopes up higher than they already are (which is actually pretty high).

So then I just think that maybe I'm taking too much iron and that, alone is causing the problem.

Or maybe it's all the bad food I had this weekend. It usually has the opposite effect...but who knows.

Either way, if I don't go sometime at work today, I'm going to be taking something tonight--this is miserable!!!

It's Monday

I've got all sorts of things going against me today...it's Monday, I'm 6 dpo, I'm at work, we woke up late, I'm (TMI) constipated... I should be in a terrible mood. However, I decided this morning that I wanted to try to be positive. I want to be cheerful and try to make people smile today.

All that sort of went to shit about 10 minutes after I got to work. I feel like I'm surrounded by negativity. Our office is quiet of any personal chit-chat, even though co-worker just returned from vacation. It's weird and it absolutely sucks. So now my positive mood is quickly being drained from me...but I'm still trying!

Happy Monday, everyone!

Lesson learned!

Someone last night at my book club (Kelsey/Kelsie--not the dog! lol) said something that made me think. She was talking about when bad things happen trying to think back to what you did in the past that made you "deserve" it.

A lot of friends told me they had a feeling we'd get pg the first cycle. I was *really* hoping they were right. But we didn't. And we're okay. But I'm sort of starting to wonder if God is having this take a little while (hopefully not a LONG while...just a little) because things have always (at least up until I graduated high school) come easily to me. I always got great grades but never had to study. I never practiced my trombone but still excelled. I hardly ever practiced piano, but it came naturally. I've always played different sports and did pretty well. So maybe God just wants me to work for something--to experience what it's like to NOT excel at everything I try.

Then I realize that I had to work for a lot of things since high school. I got cut from the band my first year and worked my butt off to make it every year after that. Having a good, healthy relationship apparently didn't come easily. My grades in college weren't good. I didn't get a job right out of college...so things haven't been all that easy in the last 10 years.

So I've learned the lesson already....it's okay, I get it!!!